Regret and loss in love

"Loving you is a privelege but being loved by you is a blessing."

Dec 31, 2023

_

I can't see you smile, hear your voice, or listen to your snore every night. I've lost everything, but the most painful loss is the privilege to say "I love you." I regret not saying it every day. I guess I was too shy to express it. I regret not acknowledging how happy you made me feel every time we laughed while gossiping. You weren't meant to be my destiny, yet I will miss your company for the rest of my life. I am burdened with a lifelong yearning.

Nov 29, 2023

Kari kambing

"Katering lambat. Abang order nasi minyak, ayam masak rose, acar timun, kari kambing, pulut kuning, rendang ayam, cendol pulut"

"Sedapnya. Macam kenduri"

"Masa makanan sampai abang dah balik. Dia orang call bagitahu buat doa selamat. Seronok makanan banyak"

"You are so kind walaupun pelik tapi I tetap sayang you hihi"

"Kejab lagi nak keluar"

"Pergi mana?"

"Klang. Ambil yong tau fu, popia basah, kuetiau goreng kerang, roti jala, sagu gula merah, pengat pisang. Lama tak makan pengat. Sagu gula merah lagi la, bertahun"

"Amboi borong semua favourite dia. Favourite kita tak beli pun"

"Favourite awak tak payah beli. Sentiasa tersedia 24 jam "

"Abanggggg!" *pap pap pap*

Peluk bantal

Dulu...

"Alaaa kenapa susun bantal dekat tengah ni?”

“Majuk”

“Alaaa kenapa majuk pulak?”

“Abang tak nak layan sayang”

“Abang kan tengah buat kerja. Habis nak tidur macam mana?”

“Peluk bantal”

“Tak nak peluk abang?”

“Tak mo”

“Boleh tidur lena ke peluk bantal? Hahahaha”

“Tak nak kawan abang”

“Buang bantal, tarik sayang rapat, peluk kuat-kuat. Tak majuk dah kan?”

(tt)

_ _ _ _

Some memories never fade….

28 Ogos 2014

_

I vividly remember that moment. You were very affectionate with me and would get easily upset if I focused on my work instead of talking to you. Yes, those were such sweet times when we were still together.

Jerit

"Abangggg, bangun laa"

"Ngantuk"

"Bangun laa"

"Tidur"

"Tak nak. Susah la kawin dengan orang pelik"

"Pelik lagi"

"Abang tu"

"Apa?"

"Bangun la. Hari ni istimewa"

"Semua hari sama je"

"Abanggg bangun laaa"

"Ah tak nak"

"Kita jerit"

"Jerit la"

"Abanggggg! Bangunnnnn!!!"

"Ara! Shhh! Terjaga semua nanti"

"Biarlah. Siapa suruh abang tak nak bangun"

Seluar

"Kenapa pakai seluar?"

"Ha?"

"Kenapa tak pakai baju? Panas ke?"

"Tak pakai baju pun salah?"

"Abang jangan la pelik"

"Apa yang pelik?"

"Selalu abang pakai kain, tak buka baju. Malam ni tak. Abang demam ke?"

"Sini. Banyak betul cakap"

"Takkk. Kita risau je"

"Dah pakai kain, tanya kenapa tak pakai seluar. Pakai seluar, tanya pulak kenapa tak pakai kain"

"Abang tu, pelik"

"Kejab, nak tukar seluar pendek"

"Lagi la pelik. Abang tak pakai shorts. Abang kenapa? Abang nak mati ke? Alaa jangan laaaa"

"Mati terus haha"

Female ghost

I arrived safely in Manila and went on a three-day work trip to check on the construction progress. Everything went well, but I still noticed the presence of a female ghost. However, I managed to finish my tasks and returned home earlier than planned, as my wife requested, before December 31st.

Hantu kacau tak?

"Ara masak apa? Lapar"

"Nasi kenduri hihi"

"Nasi pun sedap, Ara pun ehem wangi"

"Jangan eh. Nenda ada sana"

"Mana ada buat apa"

"Hantu kacau tak?"

"Tak. Duduk diam je"

"Nasib baik. Kalau tak, hangus dia kita gorengkan"

"Amboi"

Go-kart

Daddy: What were you guys doing when daddy went out of town?

Umar: Ibu took us to go karting

Kakak: We went shopping!

Adam: We had dinner at a Korean restaurant

Kakak: And Ibu let us go to the cinema, but she didn't come with us

Adam: Daddy, we watched the best movie!

Umar: Kakak kalah hahaha

Daddy: What about the twins? Did they cause any trouble?

Kakak: They were really cooperative

Every moment

"I reached out to you because I miss you, whatever life brings....I always thought, why isnt it you I having it with.....

I wanted to be you who I shared every moment with...every ups and downs...all that life has to offer..."

_

You realize how much you truly miss someone when something happens, good or bad, and the only person you want to tell is the one person who isn’t there

Dec 9, 2015

3 33 am

"I love you to no end"

Sept 12, 2012

_

I love you endlessly...

Permanent ink

"…your special place in my heart is still there...unshaken.."

_ 

Some things,

and some people,

are written

in your soul

with permanent ink.

(JmS torm)

30-11-2023

Jujur

"Kita check YouTube history abang"

"Jujur"

"Asal semua lagu sedih. Paling sedih Mimpi yang Pulang"

"Pulang ke hilang?"

"Beza ke? Sama je kita dengar"

"Lain la"

"Hawu. Kita stalk abang je"

"Tak ada kerja kan"

"Ha'a. Apa beza pulang dengan hilang?"

"Abang pun baru first time dengar. Tak pernah dengar sebelum ni"

"Abang jangan layankan sangat perasaan"

"Lagu je"

"Tak, abang layan lirik. Kita tahu"

"Tak ada kerja sungguh la"

"Siapa suruh abang tak ada medsos. Kita bosan la. Asyik makan je"

"Semua nak ambil tahu eh"

"Ha'a wajib. Asal lagu abang sana sini mati. Cinta je mati"

"Lagu jazz tak ada mati ke?"

Peluk

"Cantik Ara malam ni"

"Kita rasa berat kita naik"

"Biar naik. Sedap sikit peluk"

"Selama hari ni tak sedap ke?"

"Hahaha"

My personal journey

Years ago, when you left me, I felt lost and didn't know where to turn. I searched for a way to escape my sadness but couldn't find one. That's when I started reading the Quran. I read the translated version and tried to understand its meaning. Since then, I have become addicted to the Quran. I carry it with me everywhere and read it whenever I can. Then, I stumbled upon a verse that mentioned your name, and an overwhelming sense of serenity washed over me, causing a smile to grace my face for the first time in what felt like an eternity.

Whenever I long for you, I repeat that verse from the Quran until I feel a sense of contentment. It's incredible how Allah has a way of comforting His followers, even in the smallest gestures like uttering a beloved name that holds a special place in my heart. Since that moment, I've come to realize that you never truly departed from my life. You remain with me, albeit in different ways. If you had not departed, I might have never experienced such a profound love for the Quran. The Quran has a remarkable capacity to nourish our hearts.

In my moments of confusion, I find guidance from Him. He grants me a small but immensely meaningful gift: the act of uttering your name. I am grateful to your parents for bestowing upon you such a beautiful name. Whenever I yearn for your presence, I turn to reciting surahs from the Quran, just as I am doing now. Through the pain of a broken heart, I have discovered the path to making the Quran my most cherished companion. The Quran reveals stories of prophets and their trials, from which we can glean valuable lessons.

Pavilion Residences, Bukit Bintang, KL

27-12-2023, 3.54 am

Mimpi Yang Hilang

To catch a glimpse of you

What time did you arrive home, or are you currently working the late-night shift? I visited Taman Delima today, reminiscent of the old days, but unfortunately, I couldn't locate your house as I seem to have forgotten the address. Next time, I will make sure to wait in front of your house, hoping to catch a glimpse of you. By the way, how did your housecall service go? I hope your business was successful. Once you achieve a monthly income of RM 12,000, please treat me to a cup of coffee, alright? It's not just wishful thinking; I genuinely believe in your ability to accomplish it.

 

Kajang, Selangor

26-12-2023, 8.08 pm

Meeting with former client

Today, I had an impromptu meeting with a client I had worked with in the past. They had reached out to me expressing their interest in finding ways to increase their income. They invited me to meet them at the Impian Golf & Country Club in Kajang to discuss the matter further. The meeting lasted around two hours and 45 minutes, during which we explored different opportunities and strategies for generating additional revenue.

Boundless sea

In the depths 

of twilight's embrace,

Where shadows 

dance and moonlight traces,

I surrender, 

heart and soul, to thee,

As waves surrender 

to the boundless sea.

In your presence, 

I find solace deep,

A sanctuary 

where passions leap,

For I crave your touch, 

your tender art,

A symphony composed 

within my heart.

Our desires entwined, 

an eternal flame,

Burning fierce, 

yet never knowing shame,

I yearn for you, 

as you yearn for me,

A union destined, 

a love set free.

Together we'll wander, 

hand in hand,

Beneath the stars, 

on love's sacred strand,

No distance too far, 

no tempest too strong,

For our souls are bound, 

forever belong.

So let us yield 

to love's enchanting might,

And weave 

a tapestry of passion's light,

For in surrender, 

we discover the key,

To a love that's pure, 

forever to be.

_

"It's a beautiful poem"

"Abang suka?"

"Suka sangat…"

"Hihi"

"……"

"Abang kenapa?"

"Boleh tak Ara doakan abang? Abang tak nak ingat orang lain. Setiap kali abang ingat, abang rasa bersalah dengan Ara Tapi abang tak mampu kawal. Abang dah cuba tapi gagal"

"There are some people who hurt us so deeply that we can never forget them"

"Abang rimas tapi tak tahu nak buat apa. Abang takut satu hari nanti Ara tinggalkan abang sebab hal ni. Abang dah jumpa psikiatri, abang dah makan ubat tapi sama juga"

"All storms shall come to an end, sayang. Let Allah handle your affairs. Jangan fikir sangat nanti murung"

"Okey"

"Tengok orang poligami, hati siap sayang 4 tau. Abang anggap ajelah abang sedang pra-poligami"

"Ada ke macam tu"

"Tak payah fikir berat-berat. Abang tu dah tua"

"Tua pun tak apa asal perkasa. Ada orang surrender hahaha"

"Eeeee! Jangan la" *pap pap pap*

"Hehehe"

"Apa?"

"Garang"

"Hola. Singo"

"Singa apa manja je hehehe"

"Jangan laaaaa. Abangggg"

"Tak nak surrender malam ni? Hujan…rintik…sejuk"

"Tak nakkk"

"Tidur. 3.30 pagi abang gerak"

Dads deserve appreciation too

I am thoroughly enjoying the precious moments I'm spending with my father-in-law. We have been immersing ourselves in various rejuvenating experiences, including cupping therapy, traditional massages, spa and sauna sessions, and even treating ourselves to professional hair styling.

_

I didn't get a chance to spend my life with Walid. May all fathers receive the attention that we used to give to our mothers. Dads need appreciation too.

How is your dad? Is he healthy? What is he doing after retiring from his job?

I want you

"I am surrendering myself to you"

"I want you as much as you want me"

Pavilion Residences, Bukit Bintang, KL

25-12-2023, 3.45 am

Quality time

Ara decided to take her mother and grandmother for a relaxing day at the spa. They enjoyed getting reflexology treatments and went shopping at Suria KLCC. It was a great chance for them to spend time together and bond.

Kenangan lama

Kita yang ajak dia baring. Kita yang lentok kepala dekat bahu dia. Kita baru nak betul badan sebab nak peluk dia (lepas cakap ayat-ayat cinta). Kita baru senyum-senyum nak kenyit mata.

Penat buat roti ye, sayang?

Tidur lena mimpi indah.

Selamat malam.

16 Oktober 2013

_

I still remember this moment until now. You went to bed early because you were so tired from baking bread.

Did you still sleep in the same bedroom you used to?

Kelip-kelip

Nampak kelip-kelip, teringat awak.

My father-in-law

I had a fruitful season with my father-in-law discussing and listening to metaphysics. He is such a great man to spend time with. Every time I buy a book for myself, I also buy one for him. Now he buys books for me as well. It's wonderful. I plan to go to Kinokuniya with him before returning to San Jose.

Melawat tempat bersejarah

Cuti kali ini bawa anak-anak melawat Perak Utara - Muzium Perak, Kota Ngah Ibrahim, Rumah Kapten Speedy, Bukit Larut dan Kota Raja Bersiong. Sempat juga menaiki bot menyusurii Pusat Eko-Pelajaran Hutan Paya Laut Matang di Kuala Sepetang. Kuala Sepetang atau lebih di kenali sebagai Port Weld merupakan sebuah pusat tourism dan perikanan yang amat popular suatu ketika dahulu kerana fungsinya sebagai pusat perlabuhan terawal dan memiliki landasan kereta api pertama Malaysia yang menghubungkan Port Weld dengan Taiping.

You're beautiful

After a game of polo with Ara, I decided to bring her to a Vietnamese restaurant, knowing her fondness for Vietnamese rolls and che, a traditional Vietnamese tea.

"You look like a million dollars today"

"Thank you"

"*You're beautiful

You're beautiful

You're beautiful, it's true

I saw your face in a crowded place

And I don't know what to do"

"Memang pun. Tengok je. Cakap la hai ke apa ke"

"Apa pula. Kan senyum"

"Lepas tu tunduk. Geram kita"

"Nervous Lawa sangat haha"

"Mengada"

"Kita nak perempuan biasa-biasa je tapi Tuhan bagi yang cantik sangat. Cantik sangat-sangat"

"Kalau kita dah tak cantik, abang still sayang kita tak?"

"Kita tengok nanti macam mana haha"

"Eeee!"

"Mesti la sayang. Sayang sampai syurga"

"Mulut manis"

*You're Beautiful by James Blunt

Shadia

Ya Rabb, it has been almost a week since she last responded to any of my text messages. Please watch over her and keep her safe.

Searching for someone

Sometimes, we search for someone not because we've lost them, but because we've lost a part of ourselves that can only be found in their presence. 

— Unknown

Pasar Dato' Keramat

22-12-2023, 5.40 pm

Merayu Tuhan

Tak berubah

Ombak tetap setia menghempas pantai, biar bertahun lamanya air laut tetap asin tak berubah rasa.  

Batu Ferringhi, Penang

21-12-2023, 12. 44 pagi

Gembira

"Biar dia orang penat main dari penat emosi"

"Pandai abang ambil hati budak-budak"

"Abang tak ada zaman kanak-kanak macam ni"

"Jangan la sedih"

"Umur 7 tahun dah fikir nak cari duit. Sepanjang hidup abang cuma kerja. Kerja apa yang abang tak buat"

_

"Pakcik, boleh ke makan semua makanan?"

"Semua kita punya"

_

"Pakcik boleh ke makan 50 sate?

"100 pun boleh"

_

"Pakcik, boleh ke ambil ais krim 3 perisa?"

"Boleh"

_

"Pakcik, ni apa?"

"Ketam"

"Saya tak pernah makan ketam"

"Hari ni boleh makan. Sini pakcik tolong buka"

_

"Pakcik, bila kita boleh makan? VVIP selalu datang lambat"

"Semua yang ada sini tetamu pakcik"

"Saya VVIP pakcik?"

"Ye"

"Gembiranya!"

_

"Terima kasih pakcik"

"Kenyang semua?"

"Makanan sedap!"

"Dah habis borak, tidur. Esok kita pergi solat Subuh dekat masjid"

"Terima kasih pakcik. Kami gembira"

_

"Terima kasih pakcik peluk saya. Saya tak ada ayah"

"Pakcik pun tak ada ayah"

"Bila saya dewasa, saya akan jadi ayah terbaik macam pakcik"

The reality of love and relationships

The saddest and most awful truth is that those who love each other are not always the ones with whom they end up spending their lives.

The Jerai Hill Resort

20-12-2023, 5.43 am

Can we go for a walk?

"Can I keep you forever?"

"Why do you think you can't keep me forever?"

"Abang, am I good enough for you?"

"Why do you think you are not good enough for me?"

"Let me sleep on it. I'll give you an answer once I wake up"

"Laa"

"Asyik suruh kita fikir. Abang tak letih ke fikir?"

"Tak"

"Abang sayang kita tak?"

"*You are the finest, loveliest, tenderest, and most beautiful person I have ever known—and even that is an understatement"

"Mmm…"

"Hmm"

"Abang, abang"

"Hmm"

"Abanggg jangan la tidur"

"Mana ada tidur"

"Abang malas layan kita eh"

"Tak la"

"Abang mmmm"

"……"

"Jangan la tidur. Kita nak bual"

"2.30 pagi dah. Tidur la"

"Tak nak"

"Nak apa? Ayat cinta?"

"Tak nak"

"Nasi goreng?"

"Tak nak"

"Ais krim?"

"Tak nak"

"Habis nak apa?"

"Hihihi"

"Orang tanya tak nak jawab"

"Abang, abang"

"Ara nak apa sebenarnya?"

"Can we go for a walk?"

"Sekarang?"

"Ha'a"

"Pagi nanti kita pusing habis satu Hartamas. Sekarang kita tidur dulu"

"Tak nak"

"Yelah. Jom"

"Hihihi"

_

"Abang jangan mati tau"

"Ha?"

"Sunyi la kita kalau abang mati"

"Semua orang akan mati"

"Abang jangan mati. Kita cakap jangan, jangan la"

"Ha ye"

"Abang pegang tangan kita sampai kita tua tau"

"Ye"

"Sampai kita kerepot"

"Ha"

"Abang, thanks jalan-jalan dengan kita"

"Seronok?"

"Ha'a. Abang, boleh tak jangan pergi sana…kita tak nak abang mati"

"Abang pergi dua tiga minggu, lepas tu abang balik"

"Lama…"

"Sekejab je"

"Tak payah pergi, please. Kita tak nak abang pergi sana"

"Abang jaga diri. Janji"

"Kalau kena kepala macam mana? Siapa nak jaga kita?"

"Tak. InshaAllah"

*F. Scott Fitzgerald

Kuala Lumpur

19-12-2023, 4.25 pagi

Dating

"Cantiknya Ara hari ni"

"Kita hari-hari cantik"

"Tapi hari ni cantik lagi"

_

"Terima kasih bawa kita keluar dating"

"Ye"

"Cakap la sama-sama sayang. Tak romantik la abang ni"

_

"KL ni mana nak cari laicikang?"

"Panda"

"Hish!"

"Apa marah kita"

_

"Abang tak beli cakoi?"

"Nak ke?"

"Tak nak"

"Abang nak cari laicikang berbuka nanti"

"Berbuka kita je senang hihi"

"Saja kan"

Lingering emotions in relationships

My psychiatrist says that relationships can be complicated, and it's not uncommon to have lingering emotions for someone even when you're in a committed relationship with another person.

Kuala Lumpur

18/12/2023, 9 am

Nasi lemak sotong

"Ara, 6..20 dah. Bangun"

"Tak nak"

"Okey, tak jadi beli nasi lemak sotong"

"Berani abang tak beli"

"Amboi pandang macam nak makan orang.. Bangun cepat"

"Dukung"

"Bangun"

"Dukungggg"

"Awak nak satu rumah tahu eh"

"Nak pregnant la. Boleh minta dukung"

"Laki dah tua. Tak larat dah dukung"

"Alaaaaa"

Ayat cinta

"Abang"

"Hmm"

"Kita tak boleh tidur"

"Pejam mata. Nanti tidur la"

"Tak boleh jugak"

"Ara nak apa?"

"Ayat cinta"

"Tadi dah bagi"

"Nak lagi"

"Mana ingat"

"Cepat la"

"3.30 pagi dah ni. Esok je la"

"Tak nak. Nak sekarang"

"Kejab nak Google""

"Cepat la"

"Ayat cinta tak ada. Abang je ada. Nak?"

"Tak nakkk. Sempittt"

"Sempit la best. Boleh himpit-himpit"

"Abanggg sana laa"

"Shhhh"

"Abanggg"

"Shhhh"

"Mmmmm"

"Hmmm"

"Mmm"

"Dah, tidur"

"Abanggg"

"Hmm"

"Sayang abang!"

"Tidur"

"Eee tak romantik langsung"

Treasure of the heart

Terima kasih kerana menemani saya melihat bintang, langit dan bulan walaupun pada hakikatnya saya hanya merenung panjang tanpa dapat melihat apa-apa.

Saya: Abang tak nampak bintang pun.

Awak: Sayang tolong jadi mata untuk abang eh.

Manis.

30 Mac 2013

_

Memories are timeless treasures of the heart. — Unknown

_

Hi Hana,

Did you gaze at the moon tonight? Can you see the stars? Uncle didn't see anything. The sky is dark. Maybe it's going to downpour.

Hujan emas di negeri orang

Daddy: Berjalan tempat orang luas pengalaman, berjalan tempat sendiri mengenal kearifan tempatan. Tahu akar budaya, asal usul supaya tak lupa diri

Adam: Orang lain pergi luar negara dia condemn negara sendiri

Umar: Hujan emas di negeri orang, hujan batu di negeri sendiri. Lebih baik di negeri sendiri

Daddy: Senyap je Kakak. Umar: Fokus makan

Kakak: Kakak diet, okey

Adam: Kakak nak kerja airlines, daddy

Daddy: Tu daddy sokong!

Kakak: Daddy, best tak kerja airlines?

Daddy: Best tapi daddy tak lama jadi steward. Tak dapat banyak ilmu. Pengalaman pun tak banyak. Tapi best la

Umar: On ke tak on Kakak?

Adam: Kenapa daddy tak jadi pilot?

Daddy: Daddy tak minat. Nenek suruh daddy jadi doktor pun daddy tak minat. Dengan sengaja daddy tak score paper bio. Lepas tu daddy kena marah dengan nenek. Pedih telinga kena bebel

Umar: Daddy sunyi tak Nenek tak ada?

Daddy: Mesti la sunyi. Kalau ada Nenek, masa dapat tahu Ibu pregnant boleh call Nenek, tapi daddy tak ada rezeki macam tu. Nanti menantu daddy pregnant, Umar call daddy, okey?

Adam: Kesian daddy

Daddy: It's a part of life. Hidup kita akan ada kekurangan tapi banyak kelebihan yang kita ada, orang lain tak ada. Kita fikir yang kita ada. Yang kita tak ada, jangan fikir sangat sebab nanti kita sedih kita tanya Tuhan kenapa orang lain ada tapi kita tak ada. Tuhan bagi nikmat kita bersyukur, Tuhan bagi ujian kita bersabar. Tak boleh sabar pun, sabar juga. Nak tumbuk dinding ke apa ke lepas tu pujuk hati tambah lagi sabar.

Umar: Khusyuk makan

Kakak: Kakak dengar la

Umar: Dengar boleh, percaya jangan

Kakak: Youuu! Sabar, sabar

My soul

"Kerajaan dah mansuh Akta 498. Mengorat isteri orang bukan lagi jenayah. Abang bila lagi?"

"I ignored so many people for one person"

"Abang…sorry. Ara gurau je"

"It hurts me so much. I ignored so many girls for her, yet she ignored me for him, someone she only knew for two days..."

"……"

"I trusted her, but she stabbed me in the back. You know how I feel? I'm seriously shattered. I hardly trust people"

"You still holding out for her to come crawling back to you?"

"Every day, until she shows me her wedding card. My time is up"

"Sekarang pun, kan?"

"Tak terfikir dia datang balik"

"Kalau datang?"

"Nak datang, datang je la nak buat macam mana. Takkan bini kita nak tengok saja"

"Tahu pun Jangan kacau laki kita. Lumat kita kerjakan"

"Amboi. Tak main kerat. Lumat terus sekarang haha"

"Tapi kalau laki kita pilih dia, kita nak buat apa kan. Suami hanya pinjaman. Tak di ambil Tuhan, di ambil orang. First love always wins"

"I have found the one whom my soul loves"

Maxwell Hill, Taiping

17-12-2023, 2.09 am

Kelapa muda

"Abang, Bonda nak sate. Nak abang je yang beli. Aaaaah geram kita"

"Dah order. Lepas Isyak ambil"

"Kenapa tak guna Panda?"

"Selama ni kan Ara yang order. Abang mana reti"

"Panda je la"

"Kita orang lama. Walk- in"

"Itu la kita kawin dengan orang tua. Nasib handsome hihihihi"

"Kelapa tua banyak santan. Sedap masak. Kelapa muda harap manis je lebih"

"Kelapa muda la sedap"

"Sedap apa thanks abang selalu hahahahaha"

"Hey!" *pap pap pap*

"Tua la sedap. Manis, berlemak, cukup serba-serbi"

"Abang jangan macam-macam eh"

"Mont Kiara sebelah je kalau nak balik sana malam nanti hahahaha"

Kerat 18

"Lamanya sembahyang Jumaat"

"Lepas solat, pergi kubur lepas tu pergi Datuk Keramat cari cakoi"

"Kenapa tak pergi Kajang?"

"Jauh"

"Pelik"

"Pergi yang dekat jimat masa"

"Kenapa tak pergi Kajang?"

"Kenapa ulang soalan?"

"Saja. Nak kepastian"

"Kajang esok. Hari ni mana ada"

"Tiba pergi Dato' Keramat. Mesti ada apa-apa"

"Tak ada apa"

"Ye ke?"

"Ye"

"Abang jangan macam-macam. Kita kerat 18 nak?"

"Amboi. Macam potong ayam"

Penerbangan

Dalam penerbangan paling lama di dunia - dari New York ke Singapura.

Philosophy of Mind

 

Luqman

"Bila daddy dapat tahu Luqman dalam rahim Ibu, daddy gembira sangat, tapi daddy tak ada keluarga untuk di hubungi. Daddy cuma mampu sujud syukur. Kemudian, daddy dapat tahu Luqman ada kembar. Tuhan kabulkan permintaan daddy untuk memiliki anak sulung lelaki. Daddy harap dia mampu menggalas tanggungjawab menjaga keluarga apabila daddy sudah tiada. Semoga Luqman di kurniakan akal fikiran yang cerdas seperti Luqman al-Hakim, sihat tubuh badan, dan di beri kesempatan menjadi pejuang yang membebaskan Al-Aqsa satu hari nanti."

Cari penyakit

"Taklah. Kawan abang cari PI. Dia syak bini dia ada lak lain"

"Ooo"

"Lupa simpan mana"

"Ara nak tanya, tapi jangan marah"

"Mula la tu"

"Nak tahu je. Abang kenal laki orang Kajang?"

"Tak"

"Pernah tengok?"

"Sekali. Gambar kawin"

"Mana? Nak tengok!"

"Dah masuk mesin. Hancur lebur"

"Sehancur hati abang"

"Kenapa Ara tanya?"

"Kenapa abang tak belasah je dia?"

"Bukan salah dia"

"Dia siapa?"

"Amboi banyak tanya"

"Jawab la"

"Tak tahu"

"Kenapa tak siasat?"

"Abang nak tahu hal bini dia je. Hal dia buat apa"

"Takut sakit hati?"

"Tak"

"Bistu?"

"Tak nak tahu. Tak payah ambil tahu"

"Umur berapa?"

"Sebaya katanya"

"Kalau jumpa, abang cam tak?"

"Tak ingat muka. Tengok sekali imbas je"

"Sekian soalan"

"Kalau orang Kajang, mesti la ingat"

"Amboi! Senyum simpul"

"Tersenyum secara tak sengaja"

"Abang tidur luar malam ni. Jangan peluk kita. Peluk Kajang sana"

"Hartamas sedap masalahnya hehe"

"Tak kuasa kita. Pergi la Kajang"

"Jangan la marah. Usik sikit dah cemburu"

"Siapa cemburu?"

"Apa tu marah-marah nanti lekas tua"

"Biar tua. Biar arghhhhh!"

"Ah sudah! Cari penyakit"

Main kombat

"Apa pula salah daddy. Kembar pun tak salah. Ibu yang salah. Siapa suruh Ibu bangun"

"Abanggg dah 2 pagi"

"Kembar bangun minum susu lepas tu tak nak tidur, ajak main"

"Abang pun satu. Layankan aje anak nak apa semua bagi"

"Ibu jangan kacau kita orang main kombat"

"Haishhhh!"

Sweet fire

Checking my email has become a routine, even though I know deep down that there won't be any messages from her. We have already said our goodbyes. It's difficult, it hurts, but what else can we do? We find ourselves longing for a connection even in our separation. The tiniest bit of connection has the power to fill the void in our hearts, which relentlessly yearns for each other. It's truly a curse to miss someone so deeply that forgetting them seems impossible, and it brings immense sadness.

Embrace the pain of longing, for it is love's sweet fire. — Rumi

Rusuk yang bengkok

"Ara jangan la cakap pasal sate. Tengok hari tu Bonda tanya. Buat malu je"

"Bukan sate, sate Kajang. Kalau sate je kita okey. Spesifik"

"Abang yang suka sate. Tak ada kaitan dengan orang Kajang"

"Nampak tak? Dah mention. Geram kita"

"Betul la Arwah Ummi suka sate Kajang. Dulu selalu beli. Seorang dapat makan 5,6 cucuk je. Harga masa tu pun dah mahal"

"Sorry…kita tak tahu. Abang tak cakap. Salah abang"

"Dah Ara belum apa dah main serbu"

"Salah abanggg"

"Perempuan mana pernah salah"

"Ha'a. Kita kan datang dari rusuk yang bengkok. Salah abang tak betulkan"

"Ada je nak menjawab"

Jangan pergi Kajang

"Abang, balik KL jangan pergi Kajang"

"Dah nak buat apa pergi Kajang?"

"Kura-kura tanya"

"Belum kemas beg dah warning siap"

"Awal tak kalut hihi"

Ecstasy

"Sepatutnya kena tambah "In your ehem, I found my ecstasy" hahahahahaha"

*pap pap pap*

"Extreme pleasure tu hahahahaha"

"Abangggggggg eeee! jangan la"

"Orang puji pun marah"

"Abangggggg!"

"Confirm tak cari lain hahahaha"

"Abang jahatttt!"

I found my forever

My beloved one,

Each time you kindly express gratitude after our intimate moments, a gentle warmth envelops my heart. Your thankful words make me feel deeply valued and honored, igniting a passionate desire within me to craft even more magical experiences for us in the future.

In your eyes, I found my home, and in your heart, I found my forever.

Eternally yours,

Sugar baby

Rumput di seberang sana

"Entahlah Ara. Mana kita tahu hati orang"

"Tapi macam tak patut je"

"Kita tak ada kuasa nak persoal takdir yang Allah tulis untuk kita. Dah itu ujian dia. Kenalah terima"

"Beratnya…"

"Semua ujian berat bersesuaian dengan kemampuan kita. Selagi Allah rezekikan kita hidup bersama, jaga apa yang ada depan mata. Rumput memang selalu nampak hijau di seberang sana padahal yang kita pijak tak kurang cantiknya"

"Kan"

"Macam Abu Nawas cakap, semua perempuan yang ada di luar sana sama macam isteri kita, cuma bentuk dan warna berbeza. Apa yang ada pada perempuan luar, ada juga pada isteri kita"

"Kannnn"

"Kita kena selalu anggap isteri kita lebih baik dari perempuan lain. Contoh, isteri kita tak reti kemas tapi bila masak, lauk banyak macam kenduri"

"Contoh punnn"

"Hahaha betul la"

"Abang nak makan apa petang ni?"

"Kerabu maggi"

"Lain mace"

"Teringin"

"Kungfu tok sey doh?"

"Tu lebih isteri kita. Kerabu maggi makan dekat rumah je. Kerabu sedap, yang buat pun ehem sedap juga hahaha"

"Galok eh galok"

Feeling of heaviness

The weight of this emotion is truly overwhelming. I find myself eagerly anticipating the moment when this burden will be alleviated, yet it appears that the only viable path forward is to exercise greater patience.

My beautiful moon

"I still think of you whenever I admire the beauty of the moon…"

_

You are the Moon, renowned for your serene beauty and gentle silver light.

Senja dengan rona merah

"Cantik, kan?"

"Senja dengan rona merah yang berbilang, seperti perasaan - membawa kita terbang ke suatu dimensi"

"Mmm…"

"Jom masuk. Nak Maghrib"

"Alaaa"

"Esok pulak main buaian"

"Tak nak"

"Jom abang kata"

_

She asked me what I saw in her eyes and I told her that I saw the reflections of thousand sunsets each one more beautiful than the last.

— Unknown

Kerat 14

"Kita tengah bangga orang cakap pasal lelaki-lelaki yang berjihad dekat Gaza; gagah, tegap, perkasa macam abang"

"Nak beli apa?"

"Hihi alaa macam mana tahu ni"

"Monster?"

"Alaaa mana tahuuu"

"Monster tak boleh. Baru je cat"

"Kenapa abang cat merah?"

"Tak ada la merah sangat. Macam merah hati kan?"

"Merah jugak"

"Entah. Masa tengok rasa cantik"

"Bila nak ride? Kita pergi London nak?"

"Baik balik Malaysia terus"

"Jom la"

"Ara bawa, abang okey"

"Tak nak. Kita nak peluk abang"

"Kalau superbike tak apa jugak. Ni monster. Bila nak sampai. Ahhh malas abang"

"Kita cari laki lain"

"Abang kerat Ara 14 nak?"

"Mona Fendy kerat 16"

"Ye la. Ara kurang 2"

Tumbuk dinding

"Abang…dah okey?"

"Dah tumbuk dinding semalam rasa okey sikit"

"I'm married to an eccentric man hihi"

"Eh takkk"

"May I see your finger?"

"Okey je"

"Ilmu apa tu tumbuk dinding jari tak patah?"

"Rahsia haha"

"Masa Ara dapat tahu Haff teruk kena belasah, Ara nervous gila. Ara macam, abang buat ke"

"Apa kaitan dengan abang?"

"Tak ada kaitan. Saja cakap"

"Ye la tu"

"Ara lega sangat. Temui damai di hati gitu hihi"

"Orang tu sakit, dia seronok"

"Siapa suruh dia kacau bini abang kannnnnn. Mendapat la"

"Taktik nak abang mengaku eh"

"Takkk"

"Dia apa cerita?"

"Macam abang cakap"

"Abang cakap apa? Lupa dah"

"Entah, kita pun lupa"

"Pulak"

"Pegang muka kita lembut je tapi tumbuk bata pecah. Begitu hebatnya laki kita hihi"

"Mengata abang"

"Takkkk"

"Bangun. Jom solat"

"Malas"

"Tahajud dua rakaat je"

"Malas"

"Apa ni semua malas"

"Laki ada, semua kita malas"

"Laki tak ada rajin eh"

"Ha'a. Dah khatam Quran"

"Tu baru pergi berapa minggu. Kalau kawin baru, mahu seminggu sekali khatam"

"Tak, kita khatamkan dia dulu. Eh, ada hati nak ambil laki kita"

"Sayang"

"Siapa je tak sayang laki"

"Sayang laki jom solat"

"Alaa malas"

"Dah malas sudah. Abang nak mandi"

"Nak ikut hihi"

"Tu rajin"

"Mesti la hihi"

"Dah ikut kena solat"

"Tak nak la ikut"

"Yela-yela ikut tak payah solat"

"Hihi dukung la cepat"

It's you, always you, only you

"Abang…luka tak?"

"Tak"

"Patah?"

"Tak"

"Kenapa tumbuk dinding? Abang kan ada punching bag"

"Entahlah. I have lost my mind"

"Do you miss her?"

"Tak"

"Abang... you can tell me anything"

"I want to move forward. I want to live with you. I want to forget her. Merindu dia buat abang sengsara. I feel drained"

"Sayang, letak ais"

"Tak nak"

"Kalau sakit macam mana nak tolong orang?"

"……"

"It's okay, sweetheart. Life gets messy sometimes. Take a rest. Don't quit. I can't bear to lose you. Your kids love you. You've done well up until this point"

"……"

"Maybe you're not the problem. Maybe she is. Who knows if the person she chose over you has let her down. She thought he was better than you, but she was mistaken. Who knows, maybe she was calling you back into her life for a second chance. Sometimes people return to what they have lost"

"……"

"Since we got married, I've lost count of how many times you've punched the wall without breaking your finger"

"Ara……hmm"

"It's okay. I know you love me. I know your heart is for me. I never doubt it. Every girl wants a solid dude, right?"

"……"

"If she comes back, let her in. If she wants you, she will work hard to win back your heart"

"It's you, always you, only you"

Seeking professional help

Today, I decided to get professional help, so I'm currently waiting at a psychiatric hospital to see a psychiatrist. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Ara. She wants to make sure I'm mentally ready to pursue whatever I want to do. Unfortunately, Costa Rica lacks proper facilities to handle mental health patients, so I decided to walk back home. The place made me feel uncomfortable, and I don't have confidence in the institution's ability to provide adequate treatment. I believe Malaysia would be a better option in comparison.

Mimpi

"Abang mimpi apa?"

"Kena kepung dengan askar, nak kena bakar. Dah nyala api. Lepas tu dengar tahanan selawat Nabi . Sampai turn abang,, api dah nak sambar nasib Ara kejut"

"It's just a dream. Don't think about it, okay?"

"Sakit kepala. Ramai dalam tu nak kena bakar"

"Mana ubat abang?"

"Dalam beg"

Anak kecil

"Tentera semua ada sini"

"Penat Ibu cari"

"Lepas minum susu, baring-baring dah lena"

"Senang je abang tidurkan dia orang"

"Tadi belajar million ada 7 kosong, billion ada 9 kosong, trilion ada 12 kosong, sextillion ada 21 kosong, decillion 33 kosong, centillion ada 303 kosong. Lepas tu cerita pasal Panama Papers"

"Duit je eh"

"Haah haha. Dia orang bangun kejab lagi nak buka kotak buku. Tiga kotak tu semua buku kembar"

"Banyaknya"

"Seronok ada anak kecil tapi abang dah tua nak ada ramai anak. Nasib Tuhan bagi 4 terus"

Geram

"Marah lagi eh?"

"Tak"

"Diam je dari tadi"

"……"

"Jangan la marah"

"Abanggg"

"Apa?"

"Abangggg"

"Tak baik masam muka dengan abang. Abang dah balik jauh. Rentas 4 negara. Naik turun kapal terbang"

"Abang tu"

"Kan dah minta maaf"

"Kalau kena kepala macam mana?"

"Tak kena, kan?"

"Kalau kena"

"Kalau kena ma…"

"Jangan sebut"

"Ara masak apa?"

"Rasa nak je gulaikan abang!"

"Amboi. Marah sangat tu"

"Gerammm!"

Cold water immersion

I am taking an ice bath.

Baju berlubang

"Kenapa baju abang?"

"Kena dawai kot"

"Kalau dawai tercarik. Yang ni berlubang"

"Ada la tu kena apa-apa abang tak perasan"

"Kena apa?"

"Kita masuk investigation room ke?"

"Ha'a. Ara nak jawapan"

"Abang tak pasti kena apa"

"Betul abang tak tahu?"

"Hmm…apa yang Ara fikir betul. Abang tahu tapi masa tu abang terpaksa keluar"

"Kenapa tak bagitahu Ara?"

"Abang tak nak Ara risau"

"Setiap saat Ara risau…"

"……"

"I don't want to lose you. Kalau kena kepala macam mana?"

Minyak wangi

Daddy: Wanginya. Nak pergi sekolah ke mana ni? Perempuan mana boleh pakai minyak wangi. Pergi tukar uniform

Kakak: Kakak tak pakai perfume

Daddy: Habis minyak wangi siapa?

Umar: Kakak spray dekat beg

Kakak: Tak haram kan, daddy hehehe?

Daddy: Ada je la idea dia

Kain pelikat

"Dah-dah cukup. Kenyang dah"

"Sedap tak?"

"Sedap sangat"

"Berapa bintang?"

"9/10"

"Hihi"

"Kenapa kurus? Tak makan?"

"Makan"

"Ambil nasi. Lebih sikit"

"Kata dah kenyang"

"Lauk sedap"

"Cukup?"

"Sikit lagi"

_

"Duduk sini"

"……"

"Buka mulut"

"Ara dah makan"

"Buka mulut"

"……"

"Makan banyak sikit"

_

"Jom abang dukung naik atas"

*senyum*

_

"Lega dapat mandi"

"Abang masam"

"Ha? Ye ke?"

"Hihi taklah. Gurau je"

*sembur minyak wangi*

"I miss your scent"

"Lama tak bau perfume Ara"

"Rindunya tengok abang pakai kain pelikat"

_

"Laa tak tidur lagi?"

"Tak"

"Buat apa lagi tu?"

"Rambut ada, dahi ada, kening ada, mata ada, hidung ada, telinga ada hihi semua ada"

"Bibir?"

"Ada"

"Betul ke ada?"

"Err……hihi"

Never truly apart

I'm going back tomorrow. It feels hard to leave this place, but people don't always have a choice. See you next time. I am happy for you regardless of what has happened between us. I do get mad at you sometimes, but one mistake can't change what I once felt for you. Take care of your husband and kids. May all of you live in happiness until the end of time.

_

We remain forever connected, separated but never truly apart.

Yours in fond remembrance,

Imran

Tak sedap hati

"Abang…abang hidup lagi, kan? Abang tak mati, kan? Abang…abang…"

"Ara, kenapa nangis ni?"

"Ara mimpi abang mati kena bom. Badan abang berkecai. Ara tak jumpa abang"

"Mimpi je tu. Dah, jangan nangis"

"Abang balik, please. Ara takut"

"Abang tak boleh balik lagi"

"Please, abang. Ara nak jumpa abang. Kalau abang mati, Ara tak dapat tengok abang"

"Ara jangan fikir. Abang okey"

"Please abang. Lepas tu abang pergi la sana balik"

"Ara…"

"Ara tak sedap hati. Please abang"

"Okey, esok abang balik"

"Janji?"

"Janji. Dah, jangan nangis"

"Tak dah"

Panggilan telefon

3-12-2023

Rindu tak berhenti menggoda.

Di malam sunyi 

hati rindu terasa

seperti burung 

terbang mencari sang saudara

oh, cinta yang jauh 

bagaimana mungkin terlupa

kau di sana, aku di sini 

tapi rindu tak berhenti menggoda.

_

Rindu Ara. 

Without you

A cup of hot tea, jazz music, and a bonfire - without you, I am lonely. I miss you, darling.

1-12-2023, 11.35 pm

Unforgettable

Tonight, while enjoying a cup of hot tea and reading my wife's favorite Japanese novel, I find myself listening to this song that she loves. Even though it used to make me fall asleep quickly when I first heard it, I have now come to enjoy it.

Winter is coming

Winter is coming to Gaza, and it's going to be very cold. Because of the ongoing conflict, many people in Gaza have had to leave their homes, and now they don't have anywhere to live. Their houses and buildings have been destroyed. These people are used to living in houses without heaters, fireplaces, or hot water, especially during winter. But now, it's even harder for them because they don't have warm clothes to wear. The war is still going on, and there are worries about people's survival because diseases are spreading too. 

The Gaza truce has ended

The extended truce has been end even Hamas request for permenant ceasfire. This morning, more than 20 Palestinians killed since Israel resumed attacks on Gaza after expiration of truce. Confirms that more than half of Gaza’s housing units — around 40,000 — were completely destroyed by Israeli bombardments. People are now living in tents or hospitals, and this place is becoming too overcrowded.

I continue to live with the pain

It saddens me and triggers memories from our past when I hear about someone being unfaithful in their relationship. I'm aware that you used to have feelings for me, but those feelings changed when you fell in love with someone else. If my place in your heart hadn't been affected, you wouldn't be with him now. It's a simple equation. What if I were the one who betrayed you? Would you be able to forgive me? Would you treat me with kindness again? My heart still hurts, and the pain remains with me every day.