3:33 am

Baru keluar bilik sejak tiga hari berkurung menyiap kerja yang menimbun. Hujan masih lebat di luar. Musim yang luar biasa. Peralihan monsun kata pakar kaji cuaca. Menikmati teh tarik sambil berborak dengan Hana di Skype. Mungkin tak ada kerja, dia hantar gambar caf au lait, kopi kegemaranya di Perancis.

Esok perlu ke gym. Badan terasa penat dengan makan, tidur dan rehat yang tak menentu. Sudah tiga hari tidur tidak lebih dari dua jam. Berjanji dengan anak-anak untuk bawa mereka menikmati ais kacang bersama goreng pisang sebelum ke perpustakaan awam.

Tak ada buku yang menarik di PBAKL 2015. Lebih mudah membeli secara online. Orang juga ramai, parkir tentu sesak. Anak-anak pun tak buka mulut minta bawa mereka ke sana. Rasanya tahun ini tidak ke pesta buku walaupun Hana bersungguh-sungguh minta di belikan beberapa judul dari penerbit indie.

_ _ _

Hari Jumaat mula bawa lori kontena. Aiman minta gantikan tempatnya kerana dia ada hal yang perlu di uruskan. Tanpa berfikir panjang terus sahaja terima. Ajak anak-anak teman naik lori untuk hantar barang dari Penang ke Johor. Umar tentu akan siapkan beg besarnya dengan pelbagai jenis barang. Mungkin ini masa yang sesuai untuk habiskan masa bersama mereka setelah beberapa hari memerap di dalam bilik.

Sebenarnya hendak lari dari ajakan Makcik Siti. Makcik Siti beberapa kali mengajak untuk bertemu dengan sweetheart Malaysia. Terasa malas dan tak berkeinginan untuk berjumpa orang dalam seminggu dua ini. Bila jumpa saja Aiman dan dia minta tolong, terus sahaja berikan persetujuan walaupun Umar pada mulanya tak setuju. Dia takut adiknya Adam di ambil Aiman.

_ _ _

“Kenapa aku suka dia? Ada banyak sebab. Dia tu sombong gila. Berlagak pulak tu.  Dah tu jual mahal. Paling aku suka, dia  garang. Garang nak mampus. Tak, dia tak perasan ayu. Bila aku kenal dia baru aku tahu dia manja. Dalam garang rupanya takut guruh. Aku rasa dia sangat comel hahaha. She’s my sweetheart dude. She’s a kind of woman in a once a lifetime. Aku tak mungkin akan sayang perempuan lain macam aku sayang dia. Aku tak pernah rasa jauh dari dia. Entah. Aku selalu rasa dia dekat dengan aku” - Karl, ini jawapan paling tepat yang aku boleh bagi selepas 15 tahun masa berlalu. Dulu kau pernah tanya tapi aku tak ada jawapan.

_ _ _

Hi babe. I miss you. You’re my mine and only mine. 

4:11 am

Tiba-tiba hilang minat. Tak jadi nak menduga lautan dengan kail panjang sejengkal. Pagi tadi kenal dengan seorang perempuan. Melihat pakaiannya, dia bekerja dengan TUDM. Tak pula bertanya lanjut. Banyak perempaun dalam dunia ini. Terlalu banyak untuk di buat pilihan. 

Seronok juga jadi solo. Boleh kenal dengan ramai perempuan. Perempuan yang perasan bagus, perempuan yang cerewet, perempuan yang easy going, perempuan yang tak berapa cerdik, perempuan yang membosankan dan bermacam lagi. 

_ _ _

Hana kata, kalau dia sudah kahwin nanti, dia nak ada pembantu rumah untuk mengemas dan membasuh. Hana kata lagi, tak perlu buang masa untuk buat semua itu kalau orang lain boleh buatkan untuk kita. Katanya, kita tak perlu habiskan tenaga dan masa yang berharga begitu sahaja. 

“Bagus jugak kan. Nanti laki ko maid boleh tolong mandikan”

“Ehhhh…melampau. Mana boleh”

_ _ _

Kopi sudah tinggal separuh. Nyamuk semakin banyak. Udara semakin sejuk. Tapi langit masih cantik dengan bintang bertaburan. Dunia ini, harus ku akui sangat sunyi tanpa orang tersayang di sisi. Segala yang ada seperti tak berharga.

Waktu abang sakit awak ada, selalu ada. Bila abang sihat, awak tak ada...

Abang rindu awak. Lama tak dengar suara awak. Lama tak tengok awak senyum. Lama tak dengar awak dengkur. Lama tak pujuk awak. Hidup rasa kosong. Ada banyak perempuan tapi tak ada yang macam awak. Sekurang-kurangnya tak ada yang comel tapi garang macam awak. 

Matilah abang kalau sampai mati abang kena rindu awak dari jauh…

3.21 am

Ia bukan satu rutin yang di sukai - membaca kembali catatan-catatan lama secara random. Teringat blog kita yang sudah lupa namanya (Just the Two of Us) rasanya. Link blog langsung tak ingat. Kalau ingat pun tak boleh nak buka. Private.

Membaca dua tiga catatan pendek tahun 2010. Kemudian secara scroll tahun 2014 – tahun lepas. Bulan April semuanya masih okey. Bulan Mei pun tak ada apa-apa rasanya. Bulan Jun bermula segala-galanya. Tak pasti tarikh yang tepat. Tak pula rajin hendak semak tarikh segala permulaan perbalahan.

Agaknya awak kira tarikh kita mula bertengkar. Ketika awak hantar e-mel, awak kata, sudah enam bulan berlalu. Saya pun tak pasti dan tak berniat untuk kata apa-apa. Masa berlalu sungguh pantas. Sekarang sudahpun hujung April.

Bulan Jun nanti sudah setahun kita berpisah. Perpisahan adalah sesuatu yang paling menakutkan. Dalam hidup saya, kehilangan awak adalah perkara yang paling saya takuti. Tapi kehendak Illahi tak boleh di halang. Sudah tertulis saya akan kehilangan awak dan saya redha.

Sejak awak tak ada, saya lebih banyak mengenal diri. Banyak perkara telah berlaku. Terlampau banyak untuk di catat di kertas yang kecil. Banyak yang saya simpan sendiri dari coretkan di mana-mana. Saya mahu menjadi lelaki dewasa yang lebih matang.

Saya semakin dapat biasakan diri. Hidup saya kembali seperti di zaman ketika saya masih di US dulu. Hidup tanpa telefon dan jadual padat yang terlalu menghimpit. Saya suka zaman itu. Zaman yang mencabar. Zaman yang membuat saya kenal erti cinta dan kasih sayang.

Saya cuma agak sedih bila ahli keluarga saya tak lagi menyebut nama awak. Nama awak semakin hilang, semakin di jauhi. Tak ada siapa yang mahu sebut nama awak lagi seolah-olah awak membuat kesalahan yang cukup besar. Saya mungkin rindu bila Ocio, Kak Ain mahupun Makcik Siti tak lagi bertanya tentang awak. Saya rasa sedih…

Kadang-kadang Ary tanya tentang awak. Saya kata saya tak tahu apa-apa. Memang betul pun saya tak tahu apa-apa perkembangan tentang diri awak. Kita tak pernah berhubung sejak e-mel terakhir dari awak dan saya pun tak berniat untuk hantar e-mel pada awak.

Saya tahu, saya tak mungkin dapat bertemu dengan perempuan garang seperti awak. Saya tak mungkin bertemu dengan seorang perempuan yang ada sifat-sifat seperti awak. Sifat-sifat yang buat saya selalu kagum dengan awak, bertambah sayang dengan awak.

Ia agak sedih dan tragik. Awak cinta pertama saya dan kita terkandas di tengah jalan. Sekarang jam 3.03 pagi dan saya teringat pertama kali saya call awak dengan penuh debar di dada sebelum kita berbual seolah-olah kita kenal lebih dari sepuluh tahun.

Selamat malam, sayang. Tidur lena. Mimpi yang indah-indah.

_ _ _

A first love always occupies a special place – Lee Konitz

Buang

Adam: Daddy! Daddy! Adam nak pergi toilet.

Daddy: Tahan kejab. Daddy cari stesen minyak.

_ _ _

Daddy: Dah ke Adam?

Adam: Dah daddy.

Daddy: Sekejab je? Basuh tak ni?

Adam: Adam tak buang air.

Daddy: Habis?

Adam: Adam buang angin. Adam keliru.

Daddy: Apa yang Adam kelirukan?

Adam: Adam keliru Adam nak kentut ke Adam nak buang air besar.

Daddy: Macam-macam Adam ni. 

Adam: Adam rasa nak buang. Daddy cakap kalau nak buang pergi toilet.

Daddy: Buang angin tak payah pergi tandas.

Adam: Adam mana tahu Adam nak buang apa daddy. 

Daddy: Adam takut nanti terberak dalam seluar eh?

Adam: (angguk)

Daddy: Tak apa. Nanti Adam mesti pandai beza.

Letting Go of Someone You Love

Letting go of someone who meant so much to you, who changed you in a drastic way, is incredibly difficult — but possible.

When we fall for a person and build a connection over a period of months or years, only to part ways, the damage done can bother us for years — even decades — to come.

People are the most important aspects of anyone’s life, because people have the ability to change us in ways nothing else can. The right one can turn hell into heaven, and the wrong one, heaven into hell. Sometimes we find the very same individual is capable of both.

Relationships that start off great often end in tears of despair.

It’s not something that one can often predict during the onset of a relationship; it almost always catches us entirely by surprise.

• We build a vision of your future together in our mind.
• We create hopes, dreams and build anticipation.
• We create a reality that revolves around our relationship…

…when that possible future becomes impossible, we crumble along with the future we hoped to see.

Letting go of someone who meant so much to you, who changed the person you are in a drastic way, is incredibly difficult —however, letting go is possible.

More than that, letting go is necessary in order for you to get your life back on track.

Take all the time you need.

I’m not going to sit here and tell you that “time heals all wounds” — because that’s nonsense. Sure, time heals many wounds. Most wounds even, but not all wounds.

Some wounds stand the test of time better than any of the remaining wonders of the world. Some wounds are so deep the only way time can remove them is by removing you along with them.

On the other hand, we sometimes find time is enough. Sometimes time shows us the feelings we felt were only to be felt in passing — as we passed on by and on to the next individual we love.

That’s why you have to give time a chance. Even if it doesn't do the trick of healing all your wounds, it will most certainly numb the pain. Time will turn those vivid memories into blurry renditions.

This may not solve your problem of letting the past lover go, but it will make life a whole lot easier for you to do so. The pain will get easier to deal with in time.

Meet somebody new.

First off, don’t hop into bed with the first person you see. What I've come to realize is by allowing yourself to fall in love with other people can go a long ways to your recovery.

“Just fall in love with someone new, you say? How easy!”

I’m not telling you to go out there and find the new love of your life, it was surely hard enough the first time around. What you can do, however, is allow yourself to fall in love in the shallowest of senses.

Don’t try to fall in love with an entire person, fall in love with bits and pieces. Allow your mind to wander and your imagination to draw conclusions that almost certainly don’t exist.

When people fall in love initially, it isn’t the deep sort of love that most of us search for — we may believe it to be, but that is why most of us become disillusioned over time.

When we initially fall in love, it’s a very shallow form of love. This is the most romantic kind of love as it is based on minimal information about the person in question — we take what little information we know, and we act as if that’s the only information we need to know.

Of course, once you find out more information about the person you've fallen for, you’ll surely snap out of it. Nevertheless, falling for someone on even the shallowest of levels reminds you of the capability for loving again. Think of it as a small step on a long journey.

Make it clear to yourself why you had to part ways and find a closure.

Have you ever had to stop yourself and rethink why exactly it was that you and this particular individual decided to call it quits? You’re not alone. As time passes, our minds wander into the past and recollect the past pleasant memories and emotions.

We transport ourselves into a time of deep love and passion — something very dangerous as your goal is to let that individual go and allow yourself to move on with your life.

Here is one way to try and find balance of thought and memory when moving out of a relationship. Every time a pleasant thought or memory of that individual and the life you once had enters your mind, counter with a negative thought or memory. Love exists in your mind and because it does, you can learn to have better control of it.

You may not be able to choose who you fall in love with and don’t fall in love with, but you can pair up an individual with enough negative feelings to naturally ward yourself off them.

You don’t need to convince yourself to hate this person, you can remind yourself regularly of why you had to call it quits to try and make your life a whole lot easier.

Make it clear to yourself why you need to let this person go completely.

Sometimes, relationships can be saved and passions rekindled. Sometimes, we know that when something is over and it needs to remain over.

It’s one thing to understand why you and them broke up. It’s another to understand why you and them must remain broken up.

Again, you have to be careful with allowing your emotions to run loose — emotions are complex and often deceiving. They pull you away from reality. Take a step back, take a deep breath, clear your head, and reason with yourself as to why you need to continue moving on with your life.

You need to remain clear on your intentions and reasoning. If you don’t, those emotions will catch up with you, and you’ll end up doing something you are likely to regret.

Take the time to imagine the perfect person and then point out which areas your past lover falls short.

This is something I believe too few people ever bother with. We all hope — expect — that we will one day find the man or woman of our dreams.

My question is: How will you know you've found love when you have no idea what would make up the man or woman of your dreams?

We all know no one is perfect, but that doesn't mean we can’t outline the characteristics we admire in a partner. Sure, you may never find someone who fits your criteria exactly, but that doesn't matter.

Your perfect partner is more of a guideline than a set of requirements — a guideline that you should use to compare potential suitors. Whether they fall short or not doesn't matter because, in the end, you still get the last say in the matter (well, you and whomever you’re courting).

This guideline is also often good for helping you understand how far off the mark your last love was. With this, you can gain a better perspective.

Find the love of your life.

I understand you believe the last person you were in love with was the love of your life, and you don’t believe you will find another — if you didn't then you probably wouldn't have read this far — but I’m here to tell you that as soon as you meet the real love of your life, the last one will become overshadowed.

This isn't to say you’ll forget the previous love entirely, but your new love will make the last one diminish in intensity. You may still think about this person occasionally — if the relationship had a deep love, it likely influenced you tremendously — but you won’t be yearning for this person in particular.

Love is like a drug… the supplier doesn't matter, as long as the supply is good. A new love drowns out the last. This isn't to say that you’ll entirely stop loving your ex.

I believe there are some people we never stop loving because they've become a part of us. Though, you might stop loving them romantically. As far as intense emotions and obsessions go, that’s enough.

via Ashish Matta

4.27am

Selamat tiba di rumah jam 2 petang tadi. Balik dengan penuh keberanian dan semangat baru. Pulang ke rumah sebagai manusia baru. Rawatan di UK dan Paris telah selesai sepenuhnya. Cuma perlu hadiri rawatan susulan dua kali sebulan.

Kemas rumah, susun perabot, masak dan makan bersama anak-anak. Kemudian duduk di beranda dan menikmati hujan lebat sambil makan ubi rebus bersama kopi o’ panas. Anak-anak tak kenal ubi rebus. Ini pertama kali meraka makan. Ubi rebus makan bersama kelapa parut memang menyelerakan. 

Alhamdulillah, sudah boleh berjalan sendiri tanpa tongkat. Esok boleh bawa kereta sendiri ke Langkawi. Sudah lama tak memandu 220km/j. Bertahun juga tak bawa superbike. Rasa seperti bermimpi dapat berjalan semula, memandu kereta, berlumba superbike, mendaki gunung dan buat pelbagai aktiviti.

_ _ _

Sesuatu yang bukan milik kita tak akan pernah menjadi milik kita tak kiralah berapa banyak usaha yang kita tumpahkan. Sesuatu yang bukan milik kita akan kekal bukan milik kita tak kiralah berapa banyak kasih sayang yang kita berikan. 

_ _ _ 

It feels good to be at home. Home sweet home.

Future

Do not look back,

No one knows how the world ever began.

Do not fear the future. Nothing lasts forever.

If you dwell on the past or future,

You will miss the moment.

Rumi

April 12, 2015

Selamat Hari Lahir duhai kekasih hati yang paling di cintai. Moga hidup awak di limpahi kebahagiaan dan kegembiraan hingga hujung nyawa.