Where I Extend my Apology to Men.

Gentlemen, it’s urgent for me to convey this message to you.

Not just to my lovers, male friends, brother—but to all men everywhere.

I need to apologize to men.

“We have to let go of justifying emasculating men. Every complaint goes back to a need. And those needs can become a cancer. Instead of complaining, go back to the need; come from the need.” ~ Alison Armstrong

I apologize for—intentional and not—ever emasculating you in any way. For following any blind, knee-jerk, even socially acceptable, habit or trend that led to me making you feel like less than a man.

And just because it might have been unconscious on my part, does not make it okay, either.

I apologize for using my past experiences with a few dysfunctional men to assume you are all the same.

I apologize for letting my past programming about men—from family, friends, society, “feminists”—keep me from really getting to know you and seeing you for the beautiful human you are.

I apologize for participating in man-shaming of any kind just because I was in a group of women doing that, and I didn't have the courage to speak up for you.

I vehemently speak up for you now—every time.

I apologize for using anger as an excuse for emasculating you.

I apologize for using fear as an excuse to emasculate you.

I apologize for every time I rolled my eyes and said, “Men!”

Because I do not want to be that woman anymore.

I apologize for being so blind about myself, so blind to my own needs.

I apologize for not knowing, in myself, the need that was causing me to complain about (and to) you—for not taking the time and introspection to reach inside myself to find what I really needed and wanted from you.

And if I knew what I needed but did not communicate it, I apologize for not having been able or willing to communicate that clearly.

I apologize for rejecting your gifts of masculine energy, assistance, love and support, for not seeing you as the hero you truly are. I apologize for the hostility that always accompanied that rejection.

It was undeserved.

I apologize for meeting your anger, your impatience, your seeming indifference, frustration and stress with my own version of the same. I apologize for letting your masculine energy trigger, in me, a defensive, masculine, self-protected stance that pulled me out of my equally powerful, but softer, feminine energy.

I apologize for expecting you to think like a woman, for expecting you to immediately, willingly and easily express your emotions without first inspiring you from your head into your heart—the way only a woman can do for you.

I realize now that you needed that from me, but I was ignorant of how to get myself there, much less you.

I apologize for pulling back from my emotions and trying to be more logical, more exact, less feminine, less emotional. I know now that to be my emotional, feminine self is to call upon that polarization in you, is to call you up to be your best self.

I know that you need me to test you, to be my emotional self, to let you find your own way to lean into my emotions, as I lean into you and yours. I know that men need their women to be emotional because a man will meet the chaos of the world just as they meet and deal with the chaos of their woman.

I know you need me to be that for you—to help lift you up to your most powerful, aware self.

I apologize for underestimating you. I concluded, simply because you are a man, that I could not trust you and that I could not count on you.

I apologize for not trusting your timing, for my impatience, for insisting you do it my way just because you didn't seem to be doing it in the time I thought was correct.

I apologize for not letting myself be truly seen by you, not trusting that you would appreciate, honor and love me even more because of that. I apologize for being so bloody arrogant, proud and/or frightened that I wouldn't let you in.

I apologize for not showing you my heart, for not showing you my vulnerabilities, for not telling you my shameful, embarrassing stories, for keeping those walls around my heart so you couldn't get in, and I couldn't get out.

I apologize for having not been able or willing to meet and hold your vulnerability well, for shaming you or kicking the emotional shit out of you when you showed me your heart and told me your own stories of shame and pain.

I apologize for not, instead, holding that vulnerability gently, carefully and treating it and you with the respect and appreciation you deserve for trusting me with it.

I apologize for not doing my research, for not knowing how men’s brains work. I always thought you were purposely trying to piss me off.

I apologize for being so masculine that you had to polarize into a passive, feminine energy.

I apologize for being afraid of you and treating you like some kind of enemy to be guarded against.

I apologize for not letting you see my fear. I didn't let you see my fear because I thought it would make me less in your eyes. I didn't trust that I could step into your arms, your love, and that you could hold your own against my fear, my pain.

I apologize that I didn't see that you wouldn't judge me for being afraid, that you wouldn't try to make me act like a man, that you wouldn't try and shame me for my emotions.

I apologize for not trusting you to really see me and just accept me as that —a woman in need of your presence, presence that would have quieted the fear —had I allowed it.

“We women think we are crazy.”

~ Alison Armstrong

I apologize for pretending I didn't need and want you. I do need you. Not because I won’t survive without you, but because we challenge each other into that next, higher realm we are always seeking.

We are each already complete, and together, we are more.

I apologize for assuming you couldn't handle my wildness, my emotions, my passion, those times when I needed to thrash and wail or cry with joy and be the Goddess incarnate.

I apologize for those times when I assumed you couldn't meet my passion, when I needed you to ravish me, f*ck me hard and long—or slow and sweetly—but in my fear, was unable to be the vulnerability called for to allow you to do that.

I apologize if I ever saw you less than capable to meet me there in that vulnerability, that wildness, the pain, the joy.

I apologize for being so blind, so ignorant, so fearful—so programmed.

I am here now.

I am awake.

I am listening.

I am still learning.

Please forgive me.

via Grace Cooley

_ _ _ _ _

Min hantar.

A Champion

Pembedahan berjalan lancar. Doktor masih tidak berjaya keluarkan semua tumor. Jika tumor wujud di satu tempat sahaja dan tidak merabak, pembedahan akan jadi lebih berkesan. Oleh sebab tumor jenis ini merebak, radiation therapy perlu di lakukan untuk 6 minggu. Selepas itu perlu lakukan chemotherapy. 

Perlu makan 26 jenis ubat dan mengambil steroid untuk kurangkan kesakitan. Tenaga hampir tiada. Doktor kata kanser jenis ini boleh bertahan antara 5 hingga 10 tahun selepas diagnosis bergantung kepada jenis kanser dan saiz ketumbuahan tumor. 

Doktor suruh banyak berehat, kurangkan aktiviti luar - antibodi lemah. Mudah mendapat demam. Sepanjang hari tidur. Bangun untuk makan ubat. Masih guna IV untuk salur nutrisi. Masih di wad khas. Anak-anak bergilir datang temankan. Kalau giliran Adam, sehari suntuk dia tak mahu balik. 

_ _ _ _ _

Zaza hanya layangkan sekeping kad bernota:-

“Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion”

Zaza datang melawat ketika aku tidur. Seperti sebelumnya, masih ada jambangan bunga lili mengiringi kad bernota merah jambu.

_ _ _ _ _

Bila Zaza ada, Min tiba-tiba hilang.

Ibu...terima kasih.

Pembedahan berjalan lancar tanpa sebarang masalah. Bila bangun, ada bunga lili di atas meja berserta nota ringkas:-

“When hope grows, miracles blossom” - Elna Rae

Tak ada seorang pun yang tahu aku suka lili kecuali Zaza.

_ _ _ _

Sekeping kad entah dari siapa bertulis “I am a brain cancer survivor, so yes we do exists. I had a very rare and had less then a 5% chance to live. Don't give up hope”.

_ _ _ _

Ibu...terima kasih.

Sebelum Pembedahan

1.

Hidup, walaupun nampak di penuhi keceriaan, sebenarnya tidak - segalanya suram. Hidup seakan-akan telah mati. Hidup seakan-akan mahu tamat di sini.

I need you. Because you make me laugh more than anyone else, and I’m the best me when I’m with you. And because when you’re gone, nothing feels right until you return - Unknown

Awak... baliklah pada saya semula...

_ _ _ _ 

You have my whole heart for my whole life.

_ _ _ _

It is better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than to lose that someone you love with your useless pride — John Ruskin

2.

15.08.2014

I’m staying, with you...I love you...

16.08.2014

Sayang tak nak tinggalkan abang....

_ _ _ _

I love you, in the morning, in the middle of the day, in the hours we’re together and the hours we’re away. 

_ _ _ _

This time last year everything was so different.

My Heart

Cinta membuat kita kuat. Cinta membuatkan kita hidup dengan penuh harapan dan impian yang besar. Cinta tak seharusnya membuat kita rebah. Cinta seharusnya memangkin kita naik ke atas - melawan apa saja yang ada. Melawan selagi terdaya. Cinta tidak seharusnya membuat kita mengaku kalah.

_ _ _ _ 

Kalau saya tak sakit, tentu kita masih bersama. Tentu kita akan jadi manusia yang paling bahagia - sama seperti masa-masa dulu. Bila saya jatuh, tak ada tempat untuk saya berpaut. Bila saya rebah, tak ada tempat untuk saya terus bergantung. Saya seorang diri. Saya seorang diri untuk melalui semua ini...

Kalau awak ada, tentu awak tak akan biarkan saya jatuh. Tentu awak tak akan biarkan saya rebah. Tentu awak tak akan biarkan saya mengalah. Hidup tanpa awak ibarat malam tanpa sinaran bulan. Hanya langit kelam. Sungguhpun banyak bintang, cahaya bintang tak akan sama dengan terang bulan. Walaupun ramai orang di sekeliling saya, tak sama bila awak ada dengan saya...

Awak adalah seperti apa yang Paulo Coelho kata “You are the light of the world. Shine, and darkness will disappear”.

_ _ _ _

Pembedahan pada 16 September ini.

_ _ _ _

Perhaps I never loved enough,

If only I had love much more;

I would not nearly had so much,

Left waiting for you in store.

If I had given away my heart,

To those who came before;

It would be safer left parts,

But now you have it all.

Lang Leav (My Heart)

_ _ _ _

Abang rindu sayang. Rindu sangat...

“And I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you” - Kiersten White (The Chaos of Stars)

Untuk I, Puteri Berhati Waja

Ada banyak perkara yang sampai ke telinga aku. Ada banyak benda yang aku baca. Aku mengenali kau sebagai perempuan yang baik. Perempuan yang menjadi idaman ramai lelaki. Kau perempuan yang cerdik, berfikiran tinggi, pandai membawa diri, berpenampilan, dan tuturcara yang penuh susila. Aku tolak tepi segala gosip dan skandal yang aku dengar – tak kiralah siapa penyampainya – kerana aku percaya kau wanita yang baik.  Aku mengagumi karisma kau selama ini.

Aku harap kau pandai menjaga diri. Maklumlah, status baru yang kau pegang menjadikan kau sentiasa dalam perhatian. Jaga maruah, jaga diri, jaga peribadi. Kadang-kadang diam lebih baik. Manusia di sekelilingi kita kadang-kadang tidak faham apa yang kita rasa dan mereka mungkin saja tidak boleh terima apa yang berlaku. Ada banyak pihak yang mahu menjatuhkan kau. Ketika kita jatuh, musuh akan tersenyum. Aku harap kau tak lemah semangat. Kau perempuan berhati waja.

Kita dipertemukan ketika kau dan aku melalui fasa-fasa yang sukar dalam hidup – tekanan dan kesakitan. Di mata aku, kau perempuan yang aku sukar gambarkan dengan kata-kata -  kerana aku mengagumi kau. Semoga kau beroleh bahagia. Kau anak ayah. Jadilah kuat seperti ayah kau - di rempuh badai tidak rebah.

“Hidup ini memanglah pencarian diri yang kompleks, yang tersingkap oleh rentetan-rentetan kegawatan, kasih sayang dan kemanusiaan” - Baharuddin Kahar

Semoga kau tabah.

_ _ _ _

Umar kata dia pernah nampak kau di TV. Aku diamkan saja.

_ _ _ _

Kau masih cantik seperti dulu. Dengan status baru, tentulah akan jadi perhatian dan rebutan. Jaga diri. Hindar gosip liar.

Mimpi Indah Kita

Dunia ini terlalu kecil

untuk orang yang kecewa.

Dunia ini terlalu luas

untuk orang yang bercinta.

Dunia ini terlalu kecil

untuk manusia yang patah hati

Dunia ini terlalu luas

untuk manusia yang sedang bermimpi

Dunia ini bukan milik aku

tapi milik kita

dan aku sedang menggenggam

mimpi indah kita.

S2 Heights,

8 September 2014

12:13am

Di persimpangan antara Johor – KL selepas keluar dari tol UKM Bangi.

_ _ _ _

Dia hadir antara kita. Dia berjaya menarik perhatian awak. Tiga hari saya menjadi orang paling asing dalam hidup awak. Tiga hari saya menjadi bukan apa-apa pada awak. Seolah-olah saya tak pernah wujud. Tiga hari yang saya termanggu-manggu, berteka-teki dan tekaan saya betul.

_ _ _ _

“Saya kenal dia sehari tapi rasa macam kenal berbulan-bulan lamanya…”

_ _ _ _

Dan saya senyum setiap kali bait ini berputar dalam minda.

_ _ _ _

Semoga awak bahagia, sayang.

I’ll always remember you

Sudah beberapa minggu berlalu. Awak masih yang pertama saya fikirkan bila saya buka mata di waktu pagi. Masih juga yang terakhir saya fikirkan sebelum tidur. Awak masih segala-galanya buat saya. Saya tahu awak tak peduli kalau saya masih tunggu awak. Awak kata pada saya tunggulah seberapa lama yang saya mahu (dan awak tak peduli). Saya masih cuba lepaskan awak dari diri saya dan ia bukan sesuatu yang mudah. Saya masih di sini kalau awak perlukan saya pada bila-bila masa.

Bukan bermaksud saya tunggu awak. Entah, saya tak tahu kenapa saya masih fikir dan ambil berat tentang awak sedangkan antara kita sudah tiada apa-apa. Kalau awak perlukan saya, awak boleh cari saya. Saya masih di sini. Saya harap awak gembira selepas saya tiada. Itu yang awak mahukan. Kalau awak tak gembira, tentu ada yang tak kena. Awak akan kata awak gembira dengan cara awak sendiri – saya tahu. Sungguhpun awak tak gembira, awak akan kata awak okey.

_ _ _ _

Perempuan garang berhati ais. Sepuluh malah beratus-ratus kali orang tanya, saya masih tiada jawapan kenapa saya cintakan awak dengan sebegini dalam. Walaupun awak lukai saya berkali-kali, saya masih sayang awak – saya pernah bahagia dengan awak. Bahagia saya bersama awak lebih banyak dari luka yang awak pernah calarkan di hati saya. Bahagia yang awak berikan tak dapat di cari ganti…

_ _ _ _

I’ll always remember you. Every day that we had, all the good, all the bad.

To All The Heartbroken Men Who Act Tough On The Outside: Don’t Give Up Hope

I’m just going to go ahead and call out all you men out there. Yes, even you there, stud muffin, with your sweat-drenched, muscle-pumping, 5 o’clock shadow self. You, much like women, are either currently heartbroken or have been heartbroken by some audacious woman whom you thought was “the one.”

You can act tough, but I know that deep down, you are as soft as a teddy bear. Chances are, you have gone through the coulda, shoulda, woulda list. Sadly, you’ve been left with unanswered and empty questions.

Meanwhile, you are wondering how in the eff you’re going to get over this not-so-clever broad and if you’ll ever be able to move on.

So, in an attempt to help, here is an open letter to all those tough-on-the-outside, but soft-souled men: You’re going to be alright.

Dear Handsome,

I realize that at this current moment in time, you are hurting. You are examining every inch of your life and asking yourself how this happened and why.

While I don’t have the answers for you, and I probably never will, I can tell you that someone out there is waiting to love you with all her heart. She is wondering what it would be like to love someone as special as you, and to know what it feels like to be with someone she truly connects with.

I know you don’t see it now, and it will take some time, but this is for the better. It’s a growing point in your life; some things aren’t meant to last forever and they fall apart so better things can fall together.

I can tell you that whoever broke your heart didn’t realize how good she had it. Truth be told, she didn’t deserve to have you in the first place.

This person has conditioned you to work on yourself, and to help you become an even better man than you already are. You will be someone else’s dream come true. There’s someone in this world who looks at you and her heart beams. She smiles without even knowing it.

You are always on her mind, and you’re the first thing she thinks of when she wakes up. She ask herself how she went this long without knowing someone as awesome as you. That’s something to look forward to during this process.

When you’ve been damaged, the last thing on your mind is someone new. You grasp onto old memories, and just keeping asking, why? What did you do so wrong? Were you not enough? Did you not give enough attention? Did you not love her hard enough? Is there something wrong with you?

I only ask two simple things of you: Stop asking why and please don’t blame yourself. Insecurities can truly ruin any relationship, and nine times out of 10, it has nothing to do with you.

It hurts as if your heart has been stabbed with a million burning knives. You’re probably thinking you can’t move on from this, but I am here to tell you that you can and you will. Whether it’s centerstage or behind the curtain, someone cares and will be there for whatever you need.

You probably barely know or might not even know the person who is smiling at the thought of you right now.

When the timing is right, and the stars align in the night sky, it will all work out. Healing is a process, and it takes however long your heart needs.

Wake up each day thinking, “I can and will get through this,” and I promise that you will. Keep your beautiful face held high, smile and know that your future is waiting for you.

Take each day in stride, and whatever you do, please don’t shut down. You will close yourself off to a love that is waiting for you. Whether you see it or not, you are an incredible individual with so much potential to make someone happier than she ever imagined possible.

We have all been broken before, and it’s up to us to rebuild and move forward. It’s not the end; just think of how much better your next relationship will be. Forgive her, forgive yourself, make new friends, build bonds with new people and remember to smile.

To the woman who destroyed your amazing heart, thank you. Thank you for letting this incredible man go, and giving someone else the opportunity to love and cherish him the way he deserves. Thank you for quitting and allowing someone new to heal and mend his heart.

True love doesn’t quit, and you closed the door. No judgment, just a huge thank you. You are helping someone else’s future of pure bliss and happiness comes to fruition.

Keep your head up, handsome. She is out there and waiting patiently for when the time is right.

Sincerely, Your Friend

_ _ _ _

Min hantar. Katanya di ambil dari Elite Daily.com

Sekadar perlepas kata...

13 September tahun lepas awak dapat tukar ke Hospital Kajang. MO di hospital lama agak teruk. Selalu cari fasal dengan awak. Bermula bulan Jun (mungkin Mei) hinggalah Ogos, awak selalu risau dengan kerjaya awak. Awak buat perancangan – tukar hospital/sambung Master dan satu opsyen lagi yang saya sudah lupa. Kita melalui detik yang agak getir juga. Ketika awak di Korea, awak dapat berita gembira. Awak dapat tukar tempat kerja.

Jun tahun ini tak sama dengan tahun lepas. Jun tahun ini segalanya berubah. Kita melalui detik yang sukar, yang lebih sukar dari tahun-tahun sebelum ini. Kita cuba tapi nampaknya keadaan menjadi lebih sukar. Hari kita gaduh buat kali terakhir memang hari malang buat saya – MO cari fasal dengan awak, saya tanya soalan dan awak kata “Saya tak nak awak. Saya tak nak apa-apa dah”.

_ _ _ _

Saya tahu hidup dengan saya banyak derita dari bahagia. Banyak air mata dari senyuman. Mungkin saya pernah jadi beban dalam hidup awak. Mungkin saya tak pernah jadi yang cukup baik untuk awak. Saya tahu hidup dengan orang sakit tak bahagia. Banyak di rundung derita walaupun saya cuba sembunyikan sehabis baik. Saya faham kalau awak tak mahu hidup dengan saya. Saya faham kenapa awak minta saya tinggalkan awak. 

Waktu kita gaduh, waktu saya cuma pilihan kedua, waktu awak ada orang lain, saya bertahan – sebab awak cakap “Please, jangan tinggalkan sayang, walaupun kita gaduh teruk macam mana pun, walaupun sayang sakitkan hati abang macam mana pun, walaupun sayang tak layan abang macam mana pun...please...stay with me...”. Saya mungkin terlalu lurus – saya pegang apa yang awak cakap. Atas sebab itu saya tak mahu tinggalkan awak. Dan sebab saya sangat sayangkan awak…

_ _ _ _

Tak kiralah MO buat apa pun pada awak, tahanlah. Junior memang selalu kena buli. Tahun awal pekerjaan tak pernah menyenangkan. Jarang sekali buat kita selesa. Jangan putus asa. Saya tahu awak cintakan kerjaya awak. Saya tahu saya tak ada apa-apa. Saya tak mampu bahagiakan awak. Hidup dengan saya bukan hidup yang nyata. Yang ada hanya derita dan air mata.

Saya bangga mencintai perempuan seperti awak. Terus berbakti pada masyarakat. Jangan mengalah dengan halangan. Dunia ini luas untuk orang yang bercita-cita tinggi seperti awak. Kalau awak rasa awak sedang rebah, sedang jatuh – bangunlah. Bangun dan hadap apa saja yang ada di hadapan awak. Awak seorang yang kuat malah lebih kuat dari saya. Ada banyak takah yang perlu di daki. Saya tak ada dalam pendakian kali ini. Tapi saya percaya awak mampu lakukan.

Usaha tangga kejayaan.

12:12am

Dulu...


“Alaa... nak tengok. Bukak la kejab”

“Aip! Mana boleh!”

“Alaa... kenapa tak boleh pulak?”

“Tak boleh la. Ish! abang ni!”

“Kejab je. Bukak laaaa”

“Kan nak tidur dah. Baju kb seluar pink semua tak pakai”

“Alaa. Ngada je. Kejab pun tak boleh”

“Tak boleh la sayang…”

_ _ _ _

I love it when you call me sayang. I never told you how I really like it.

_ _ _ _

Sayang, semalam bulan cantik, bulan penuh. Halaman rumah terang-benderang. Seterang cinta kita (suatu ketika dulu)…

_ _ _ _

I lost one person I never thought I could lose - Unknown

All I can see is you...

Hari ini.

Daddy: Habis kek batik Kakak buat?

Huda: Licin daddy!

Daddy: Senyum lebar je ye. Mesti kek sedap.

Huda: Resepi mama.

_ _ _ _

Dulu…

“Sedap ke masak tadi tu?”

“Sedap!”

“Ye ke sedap?”

“Iyeeeeeeeee!”

“Sedap macam sayang eh?”

“Hee gatal!”

“Tak betul ke? Sedap macam sayang kan?”

“Iyeeeeee sedap macam sayang!”

_ _ _ _

Every time I look at the moon, all I can see is you.

Good night, sayang.

I miss you.

3.30am

*kiss your forehead*
_ _ _ _

I can’t lie. I miss you badly. Cuddling with you would be perfect right now.

Mimpi-Mimpi Indah

1.

Balik Malaysia. Untuk kali pertama dan terakhir tidur di S2 Heights. Rumah yang penuh impian dan mimpi-mimpi yang indah. Rumah yang penuh harapan dan cinta. Ambil keputusan untuk jual rumah ini walaupun berat hati. Rumah pertama yang di beli ketika mula-mula balik ke Malaysia dulu. Rumah ini yang paling dekat di hati.

Jam 2.22 pagi ketika melangkah masuk. Buka radio dan lagu yang sedang berputar ialah You’re My Everything. Yang aku mampu lakukan ketika itu cuma senyum dan banyak perkara manis bermain di fikiran. Dia pernah nyanyikan lagu ini untuk aku suatu ketika dulu.

2.

Esok ada kenduri kesyukuran. Hazira dapat melanjutkan pengajian ke UPM. Ia satu yang amat membanggakan buat remaja Pusat Komunit. Dapat berita ketika di Paris tempoh hari. Hazira menjadi ikon baru di sini. Menjadi pembakar semangat. Semua orang boleh berjaya jika mahu berusaha dengan tekun dan sabar.

Aktiviti di Pusat Komuniti berjalan seperti biasa. Ada beberapa program penting hingga hujung tahun ini di bawah pantauan dan seliaan Qhalib dan rakan-rakannya. Mereka ingin sumbangkan tenaga secara sukarela untuk membangunkan Pusat Komuniti ke tahap yang lebih baik.

Akan ke Sabah dan Sarawak untuk melihat perkembangan Pusat Komuniti di sana. Program sudah pun berjalan mengikut jadual. Ada beberapa penambahbaikan akan di lakukan a untuk lebih memberi keselesaan kepada pengunjung. Ada beberapa kotak buku akan di hantar ke sana.

3.

Hari Isnin nanti perlu ke butik bertemu JM untuk menempah pakaian bagi majlis perkahwinan Ocio. Perlu dua persalinan – akad nikah dan resepsi. Tempah pakaian untuk anak-anak sekali. Majlis Ocio pada pertengahan Disember nanti di Paris. Ocio mahu sebuah majlis yang ringkas.

Hadirin sekitar 250 orang sahaja. Keluarga Zara mahu resepsi di buat di Paris. Di sebelah pihak Zara tidak akan ada apa-apa resepsi. Ia sesuatu majlis yang agak ganjil sebenarnya. Belum pernah dalam sejarah majlis di pihak perempuan tidak ada. Keseluruhan persiapan akan di buat oleh pihak lelaki. Ia memang sesuatu yang amat ganjil.

Ayah Zara belum pernah sampai ke Paris. Jadi, dia mahu majlis perkahwinan Zara di jalankan di Paris. Oleh sebab itu, dia mempunyai alasan yang amat kukuh untuk ke Perancis. Bunyinya kelihatan amat pelik tapi itulah realitinya. Kad kahwin belum siap di cetak – Ocio masih belum siapkan senarai jemputan.

4.

16 September nanti akan jalani satu lagi pembedahan. Jadi perlu kembali semula ke Paris. Umar beberapa kali minta mahu di bawa ke Masjid Nabawi. Adam mahu berenang di Laut Mati dan Huda mahu melihat Al-Hambra. Moga cepat sembuh dan di beri kudrat untuk penuhi impian pengembaraan intelek mereka.

Mereka sedang membesar. Ada banyak persoalan dalam diri mereka. Mungkin, akan lama tinggalkan Malaysia selepas ini. Mungkin, tidak lagi menetap di sini. Belum ada perancangan yang rapi. Rancangan masih berubah-ubah. Berhajat juga untuk belayar bersama anak-anak bila sembuh sepenuhnya nanti.

20:01

“Kalau abang sayang sayang...lepaskan sayang”

_ _ _ _ _

Love is when the other person’s happiness is more important than your own – H.Jackson Brown Jr

Pantun (untuk sayang...)

Dulu, abang selalu call sayang dari US untuk baca pantun. Ia satu perasaan yang sangat bahagia untuk di kenang. Sangat manis dan buat abang bahagia. Walaupun sayang tak pernah balas walau satu pun pantun abang, abang tetap bagi sayang pantun.

Buah jambu di sangka kandis,

Kandis ada di dalam cawan,

Gula madu di sangka manis,

Manis lagi senyuman puan.

Dari mana punai melayang,

Dari paya turun ke padi,

Dari mana datangnya sayang,

Dari mata turun ke hati.

Kalau roboh Kota Melaka,

Sayang selasih di dalam tuan,

Kalau sungguh bagai di kata,

Rasa nak mati di pangkuan puan.

Arak-arak kelapa tuan,

Tidak tuan kelapa bali,

Harap hati kepada puan,

Tidak puan siapa lagi.

Lancang kuning lancang pusaka,

Nampak dari Tanjung Panji,

Sungguhpun kering Selat Melaka,

Saya tidak mungkir janji.

_ _ _ _

It’s tough. But I’m trying to get used to it. Hope you’re doing fine too.

A part of...

“I was happy despite all the tears…”

_ _ _ _

Even if we can’t be together in the end, I’m glad that you were a part of my life.

Being Apart

Abang rindu sayang. Rindu banyak sangat…

_ _ _ _

Badan cramp. Kalau dulu badan cramp boleh juga tumpang sandar. Awak ada dengan saya, selalu. Moga hidup awak baik-baik saja. Hidup tanpa air mata tentu lebih bahagia. Saya harap begitulah.

Kadang-kadang saya harap saya dapat benci awak - supaya rindu saya jadi berkurangan, sakit hati rasa lega tapi saya tak mampu benci awak. Benci awak buat diri saya lebih merana, lebih terseksa.

_ _ _ _

I thought I could handle the pain from being apart from you, but I can’t…