To my dear,

It’s 11 p.m. The kids are already asleep. I made a cup of tea, sat on the balcony, and looked out at the sea. Tonight feels calmer. I read a hadith, and it made me feel both sad and guilty. Abu Sa‘id al-Khudri narrated that the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said “Verily, the best of men are those who are slow to anger and quick to be appeased, and the worst of men are those who are quick to anger and slow to be appeased” (Musnad Ahmad 11143, authenticated by Imam al-Suyuti).

More than ten years ago, I wrote in my notes that I am not a cool or calm man. As you know, I get angry easily. I have struggled with a bad temper since I was very young. I never liked fighting, but whenever I did, nothing good came out of it. I would hit as hard as I could. In boarding school, I was bullied, yet I never fought back. I always held myself back because my late mother made me promise not to get into fights. She wanted me to study hard, behave well, and work towards building a better life for myself. 

Not many people know that I have a black belt in martial arts. I trained in several, but the one I loved most was kickboxing—because it is raw, even violent. In silat, the head cannot be struck, in line with Islamic principles. But in kickboxing, there are no such rules. Knocking someone down gave me a strange sense of pride. You once saw bruises on my face. You asked me to stop, and I told you, “Boxing is my breath. I can stop seeing you, but I cannot stop boxing.” Boxing was how I let out the anger I carried.

This is my hansei, my self-reflection. I always feel guilty because I cannot control my temper as I should. You once said you would never marry a hot-tempered man, and yet you married me. I still remember the first time you saw me truly angry—how you froze and trembled. You were shocked. You never expected your husband to become so wild, maybe even dangerous. You came from a good family where everyone loved and treated you kindly. This was something you never imagined.

I am sorry for the times I lost control, for getting mad like an animal. And I am grateful, so deeply grateful that you chose to love this beast.

Always,

Abang

Malé, Maldives 

October 3rd, 2025