Awak... baliklah pada saya semula...

(17 September 2014)

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It’s 1:53 AM on September 27, 2024. I just returned from work, took a long cold shower, and I'm doing some laundry. While hanging the clothes, I remembered when you said, "I'm sorry for everything, abang." I paused; I had no words. I’m not sure why that moment suddenly came to mind. After three days of long hours at work without returning to my room, I’m exhausted but can't sleep. You’re on my mind. I really miss your voice. Would it be okay if I called you just to hear you  breathe, without saying anything? I’m fine with that. I don’t know how to stop longing for you or wanting you. I don’t know how to stop missing you or thinking about you. It feels like I’m searching for you everywhere I go, and this feeling is really overwhelming. How are you, sayang? Are you doing okay? How’s your pregnancy?

Talking to you has been the best part of my whole year.

(September 27, 2024)

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You don’t need to apologize. You never wronged me, and you never owed me anything. You chose a better path, a life with good possibilities and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s only me who can’t fully let go, because you will always remain someone special in my heart. Last year, even if just for a moment, I was grateful when you said hi after so many years. Saying goodbye is painful, but perhaps it’s what we must accept. Some people, after parting, count the days until they meet again. But not us. There’s nothing to count. Life keeps us apart. It’s risky, and we are weary of secrecy. My chest feels heavy. Sleep will not come. So I turn to the song you once gave me—You Are The Reason by Alexandra Porat. Thank you… for the song, and for the memory of you.

(September 21, 2025)