I had trouble signing into my Hotmail account, so I chose to use the Gmail account that you created for me. This went on for months. Today, I was lucky enough to finally log in. Microsoft has buried Skype, and now I have nowhere to turn when I miss you. Maybe you were right when you wrote in our blog—that you only missed me, but never wanted me back. I got the wrong idea. Some people say we miss the nostalgia, not the person.
Still, I feel joy when I write to you, even though I don’t want to get caught—not by my wife, nor by your husband. This longing, or perhaps this suffering, feels as though it is designed for me. I don’t want to ruin your life or your marriage. I love my family too; they mean a lot to me. We were taught that love is exclusive to one person. Is that true? We both love our partners—each remarkable in their own way—yet here we are, caught in something undefined.
In 2005, the New England Journal of Medicine reported that intense separation distress can manifest physically: weakening the immune system, affecting the heart, and even causing Takotsubo cardiomyopathy—what people call “broken heart syndrome.” Missing someone dear raises cortisol, the stress hormone, and prolonged absence can disturb sleep. I feel this deeply. My nights are restless. My body lies down, but my mind refuses to rest.
I still haven’t managed to get deep sleep like I did last year. I cannot sleep peacefully; my mind remains awake. Losing you was hard, but it became even harder when I started feeling guilty toward my wife and your husband. The burden of infidelity eats away at me from the inside, leaving me restless. I feel like a bad person. Sometimes, I wonder how I allowed myself to drown in something I had always avoided—the act of infidelity.
I am a weak man. I gave time and space, and it happened. I could have said no, but I chose not to. That was my fault. I wanted to write about other things, but in the end, I wrote this instead. That failure rests on me. I had wanted to write about other things, lighter things, but in the end, my heart betrayed me, and these words are all that came out. They are a mirror to my choices, my failings, and the tangled truth I cannot escape.