Friday, August 30, 2024
3 minit
"Sayang dari mana?"
"Mesti bangun tidur, kan?"
"Ha. Raysha tepuk-tepuk. Terlelap"
"Bangun tidur aje ada "sayang" hihihi"
"Panggil salah. Tak panggil salah. Nak kena ni"
"Dah kena dah pun hihihi"
"Nak kena lagi hmm?"
"Kena apa tu?"
"Kena jerat"
"Siapa yang jerat?"
"Siapa yang ada penjerat?"
"Kita tak ada"
"But why do I always think about being inside you?"
"You do?"
"Yes, I do"
"How often?"
"All the time"
"Mulut manis"
"Cium la sikit"
"Abang…Maghrib…"
"3 minit"
Bangkok, Thailand
30-08-2024
Early morning
There’s a special magic in making love early in the morning, particularly on a rainy day. It’s a feeling that’s hard to put into words. Some scholars suggest that in early Islamic times, being intimate with one’s spouse before the Jumu'ah prayer was considered a highly rewarding practice, though I haven't found the exact hadith to confirm this. With children around, such moments are rare, but when they do occur, I cherish them deeply. They offer a unique connection and many special benefits.
Bangkok, Thailand
30-08-2024
Jangan
"Tak apa ke satu bilik?"
"Astu nak keluar?"
"Tak…kalau Ara tak selesa abang boleh tidur bilik abang"
"Astu kita tak payah ada sini"
"Abang cakap je"
"Jangan cakap"
"Ha okey"
_
"Ara…hmm…boleh pegang?"
"Sejak bila kena mintak izin?"
"Tanya je"
"Jangan tanya"
"Ha"
Bangkok, Thailand
29-08-2024
Thursday, August 29, 2024
Maafkan abang
Ara tidur lena. Aku buka phone dia. Di Telegram, dia ikuti isu "Apa nak buat selepas tahu pasangan curang?". Aku buka Facebook dia - banyak video berkaitan curang. Aku tak tahu guna Facebook. Apa yang Ara tunjuk - itulah yang aku buka. Aku scroll sekejab kemudian tutup. Aku jadi sedih, tertekan. Ara tentu lebih lagi.
Tangan lembut
"Tak cakap pun datang"
"Spot check"
"Oo patut la"
"Tadi siapa?"
"Secy"
"Baru?"
"Haah"
"Kenapa kita tak tahu?"
"Nak bagitahu macam mana dah gaduh"
"Cantik"
"Sementara. Yang lama ada kerja tempat lain"
"Tak tanya pun"
"Apa pulak tu"
"Dia basuh baju abang?"
"Dia hantar. Orang dobi basuh"
"Bini tak boleh basuh. Orang lain boleh"
"Tak nak rosakkan tangan bini yang halus lembut ni"
"Mmm"
"Tangan tu pegang benda lain je hahaha"
"Eeeee!"
29-08-2024
Belum habis merajuk
"Ara? Buat apa sini?"
"Jumpa abang"
"Dah habis merajuk?"
"Belum"
"Perang dah tamat?"
"Memang tak la"
"Tapi rindu?"
"Takkk eh. Kembar aje. Kita tak"
"Peluk boleh?"
"Mmm"
"Susah apa dukung je la sampai bilik"
"Jangan eh. Malu tau orang nampak"
"Boleh la"
"Dalam bilik"
"Haaa okey hehe"
29-08-2024
Wednesday, August 28, 2024
Painful lesson
Hara my love,
It's 3:03 AM. I'm just back from work. I'll take a quick cold shower and then jump into bed, hoping to sleep. I remember on January 21, 2024, you asked me a simple question that I didn't answer because I was too tired at the time: "Which is more agonizing: being the one who leaves or the one who is left?"
Well, both are hurt—whether someone leaves you or you leave someone. The pain, scars, bruises, and struggles may be different, but pain is pain. It’s sad when the person who gave you the best memories becomes just a memory. The painful lesson is that it is often loss that teaches us about the worth of things.
Pathum Wan, Bangkok, Thailand
August 29, 2024 / 3.18 am
Isteri dari neraka
Hai Ummi,
Nampaknya Zara lancarkan perang sebab dia marahkan Im. Dari New York City, Im ke Niagara Falls, New York. Sub-bandar, banyak pokok dan ada restoran Bangladesh yang menjadi tumpuan orang Islam mencari makanan halal. Niagara Falls ke rumah Ocio tak jauh. Lebih kurang 2 jam 30 minit. Habis kerja Im bawa anak ke sana. Im tak menginap di rumah Ocio.
Im jumpa Hana tapi tak berbual panjang. Zara rekod video dan hantar pada Ara. Ara call. Tentulah jadi punca percakaran. Dia asyik ulang "Abang nak latte?". Im tahu kerja Zara tapi Im tak cakap apa pun. Malas nak gaduh. Gaduh dengan Ara belum reda. Panaslah juga hati bila Zara jadi penyampai. Ara memang tak suka Hana. Tak pasti pula sebabnya.
Im bawa Ocio keluar hari Jumaat. Mula-mula pergi gunting rambut. Kemudian pergi solat Jumaat di Masjid Toronto. Masjid ini asalnya gereja. Setelah di beli, di jadikan masjid. Selesai solat Jumaat, Im bergerak ke Rochester. Perjalanan mengambil masa lebih kurang 2 jam 20 minit. Im tak bawa laju sebab ada anak-anak. Santai-santai saja. Bukan nak ke mana.
Masuk saja bandar Rochester, Im cari butik. Im nak belikan Ocio baju. Sedih tengok baju dia - gelebeh dan pudar. Buruk sangat. Masuk butik, Ocio pilih baju. Dia beli t-shirt dua helai dan seluar slack. Baju dia pilih harga $550 sehelai. Seluar Im $120. Biasalah Ocio - dia suka barang berjenama. Pilot, banyak duit. Businessman tak boleh hidup macam pilot.
Im bayar pakaian dia, dia bayar seluar Im. Di kaunter semua kad debit di tolak. Kad kredit sudah limit. Rupanya Ummi, kad bank Ocio hanya ada $10 sahaja. Merah padam muka dia macam nak menangis. Im bayar, kemudian Im ajak dia pergi makan. Ocio makan 2 pinggan nasi, 2 gelas kopi panas. Nescafe tak ada. Ocio suka Nescafe - kaw punya.
Ocio makan bersepah. Air tumpah kena baju. Im lap, bersihkan. Dia minta maaf. Im cakap "Tak ada hal". Masa Im keluar dengan Ocio, kembar dekat hotel dengan Jaz. Susah nak jaga kalau bawa ke kedai makan - tak boleh duduk diam setempat untuk satu tempoh yang lama. Nanti menangis pula. Tak pun lari sana sini. Penat pula nak kejar.
Sampai di hotel anak-anak sudah tidur. Ocio nak mandi, Im tolong bukakan baju. Ummi, hmm Ummi tahu tak…badan dia ada kesan lebam. Ada yang masih baru. Im tanya "Lebam kenapa?" Dia tak jawab. Isteri dia pukul dia ke, Ummi? Lebam kena pukul rasanya. Sedihnya Tuhan sajalah yang tahu. Im pernah dengar isteri dia maki dia "Sabar bodoh".
Im sapu krim. Pakaikan dia baju. Lepas solat dia tidur. Lena dia tidur. Telefon dia bergetar. Isteri dia call. Dia tak jawab. Im suruh letak mode senyap. Bising - susah nak tidur. Malamnya Ara telefon dan kami macam biasa bercakaran. Kali ini tentang hal yang tak ada kaitan. Ocio tidur lena sepanjang malam. Anak-anak pun tak bangun. Lega sangat!
Hari Sabtu tak ke mana pun. Pusing-pusing Buffalo naik kereta. Berhenti beli coklat dan makan. Pergi taman, kembar nak main. Ocio termenung jauh. Im ada niat nak tegur pasal isteri dia tapi tak jadi sebab Ara call dan kami bergaduh. Im tengok dia stres. Tak nak tambah beban. Licin duit bank isteri sapu bersih. Kalau nak ambil pun tinggalkan sikit.
Sampai rumah, Ocio tanya pasal duit dia. Isteri dia cakap semua belanja beli ubat. Tak logik. Duit Ocio banyak. Im tahu sebab Im yang uruskan akaun dia sebelum dia kahwin. Dia pakai barang branded tapi dia tak boros. Ocio ada banyak duit sampingan. Mana pergi semua duit dia? Tak mungkin duit habis dalam masa setahun. Tak masuk dek akal.
16 Ogos 2024
Makan malam
"Ara, jangan letak phone. Abang nak ajak dinner malam ni. Boleh?"
"Mmm"
"Jom la. Dah lama tak makan sama"
"Acam tu aje ajak dinner?"
"Ada cara lain ke?"
"Entah"
"Hmm. Dulu sebab tak reti abang cakap dengan Baba. Kalau reti, dah lama ajak direct"
"Kita busy. Okey, bye"
"Takkan nak hantar limousine baru nak keluar"
"Astu?"
"Mana pulak nak cari"
"Entah"
"Ara marah sebab apa sampai lama merajuk? Abang buat salah apa? Cuba cakap"
"Buat tanya"
"Malam ni 8:30. Jangan lupa"
"Siapa nak keluar dengan awak?"
"Ara suka ke, Ara tak suka ke, Ara kena suka. 8:30 abang datang. Jangan nak mengada sangat"
"Astu ajak keluar astu marah"
"Mana ada marah"
"Ajak dinner acam samseng paksa-paksa. Kita tak suka"
"Hmmm…haih"
"Astu nak mengamuk"
"Tak nak keluar sudah"
"Fine"
"Merajuk sampai tua"
"Acam tu la perangai. Bengis"
"Nak keluar ke tak?"
"Tak"
"Tak nak sudah"
"Menyampah"
"Kawin dua baru tahu"
"Astu pergi la. Buat apa cari kita?"
"Siap je la. 8:30 abang datang. Jangan nak macam-macam sangat. Ikat dekat katil baru tahu"
"Acam tu la laki"
Panggilan telefon
Bangkok, Thailand
28/08/2024, 8:30 pagi
Hi little one
During pregnancy, a woman's brain shrinks in size. This is why some pregnant women may experience small, sometimes subtle deficits in tasks, like recalling items from a list they have studied, or remembering to do certain things in the future. After delivering the baby, it would take up to six months for the mother's brain to regain its original size. The cells in the brain reduce in size without reducing in number. In other words, neuron density remains the same, which is why the brain capacity returns to normal after childbirth. A study published in Nature Neuroscience revealed that pregnant women experience a decrease in gray matter in specific brain regions responsible for social cognition and forming attachments. However, this loss of gray matter actually enhances a mother's feelings of attachment to her baby and improves her ability to understand their needs and emotions. Using MRI scans, researchers examined the brains of pregnant women before and after giving birth. They discovered that the reduction in gray matter in specific brain regions actually improves the brain's efficiency in understanding nonverbal cues from newborns. This change enables mothers to quickly identify potential dangers and enhances their emotional connection with their babies. The first study was published in the American Journal of Neuroradiology, and it’s entitled, “Change in brain size during and after pregnancy: study in healthy women and women with preeclampsia”. The second study was published in Nature Neuroscience and it’s entitled, “Pregnancy leads to long-lasting changes in human brain structure”.
— Unknown
I came across this and thought of you. How are you, little one? I hope you are doing well. I really want to see your mom's bump, but I won't have the chance. I need to distance myself from her. I should have done it a long time ago before things got out of hand and nearly ruined everything—hindsight is 20/20. I don't know why I miss you. Maybe it’s because I’m a part of you?
I had a dream that your mom got into an accident. I was following her from behind when a car crashed into hers, causing it to spin several times. I rushed to save her. She was unconscious. I kept saying, "Bangun sayang," I carried her, got into my car, and rushed to the hospital. I saw your mom's car explode. As I drove, I kept trying to wake her, holding her hand, but she didn't respond.
When the doctor put her on a stretcher to take her to the labor room (or surgery room, I’m not sure), she held my fingers. I walked with her to the door. The doctor asked, "Encik suami dia?" but I didn’t respond. I waited outside the room patiently. When she was stable, I walked to the ward but didn’t enter because I saw your dad arriving, so I just left. I didn’t see your face.
Monthly allowance
It was supposed to be a short workday, but I ended up working extra hours because an official demanded a bribe. They are asking for a monthly "allowance" and there are five of them.
When I refused, they started finding faults and threatened to shut down the site, even though the project hasn’t begun yet.I held a quick meeting with the staff to plan our next steps.
Besides the monthly allowance, they are also requesting a high-middle-income car, a house, vacation allowance, and a large budget for their festival, all based on the project’s value.
I got back to the hotel at 5 PM, had a cold shower, and went to the mosque for Maghrib prayer. After a short break, I continued working on several documents. It’s been a rough day.
My mental health isn’t in the best shape, but I’m pushing myself to stay focused on my work and ignore the inner turmoil. I’m exhausted, haven’t eaten yet, and I need to take a nap.
Tuesday, August 27, 2024
Cold war
Hi dearest,
I want to end this cold war between us. I really want to fix this because I don’t want to lose you. Can we sit down and talk? I don’t want to raise our kids in a broken family. We can fix this and provide a better environment for them. We should lead them by example, shouldn’t we? I’m ready to come home this week. I really miss Umar, Huda, and Adam, and I’m worried about how things are going with them in Costa Rica. Please come home with me. Home isn’t the same without you, and the kids expect you to return.
I’m sorry for any mistakes I’ve made. I just don’t know how to fix things unless we start talking. Please stop the silent treatment. Can you?
"حبكِ لي... هو العمر..
هو كلّ ما أملك، هو الحقيقة الوحيدة التي تجعل الحياة تستحق أن تعاش."
"Your love to me... is life itself...It is all I have, the only truth that makes life worth living." — Nizar Qabbani
Pathum Wan, Bangkok, Thailand
28-08-2024 / 3:53 am
Monday, August 26, 2024
Burung merpati
Hai Ummi,
Sekarang jam 3:03 pagi. Im baru selesai Solat Tasbih. Rasanya inilah solat paling lama yang Im pernah buat. Selesai solat, Im baca Surah Ali Imran dan tafsirnya. Nama Im di ambil dari surah ini. Kemudian Im bersiap untuk berkerja. Malam ini ada meeting. Berkerja sambil bercuti.
Sebelum solat tadi Im mandi laut. Sejuknya air laut! Mengeletar di buatnya. Malam ini Im tidur di yacht (lebih menyerupai cruise). Yacht ini mempunyai 5 kabin, 10 katil dan 6 bilik mandi untuk 15 orang penumpang. Sepanjang hari tak turun ke pantai kerana cuaca panas membahang. Hilang mood.
Ara tidur awal. Dia mabuk laut. Im lupa bawa pil. Tiga kali dia muntah. Huda memancing. Dapatlah 3/4 ekor ikan. Adam dan Umar snorkeling. Kembar seperti biasa berlari girang "Fish", "Fish" ke sana sini. Umar dan Adam nak bawa kembar naik paddle tapi Im tak izinkan. Risau terjatuh.
Hari ini hari ke 12 Im tak tidur. Im cuba tidur tapi tak lena. Tak sampai sejam Im terjaga. Degupan jantung tak berapa baik. Seluruh badan sakit dan sudah tentu sakit kepala. Kalau keadaan ini berterusan pasti kesihatan Im akan terjejas. Malam ini mata degil - pejam pun tak mahu.
Im tetap akan melangkah pergi - cepat atau lambat. Kejujuran dia sangat Im hargai. Tentu itulah petunjuk yang Tuhan berikan. Setiap takdir, kata Bonda adalah indah Keputusan yang dia buat pasti saja mempengaruhi hidup Im juga. Berat meninggalkan, berat lagi melepaskan.
Dia tak minta apa-apa pun - hanya sekadar ada dengan dia. Im perlu ada supaya ruang yang ada dalam hati dia terisi. Im tahu dia tak mahu lepaskan Im pergi. Im tahu dia tak mahu lagi berpisah - tak apa walau tak hidup bersama. Dia cuma mahu Im selalu ada. Dia cakap "You are my inner peace."
Hari ini Im tak ada mood. Im beritahu dia, Im tak mesej dia malam ini. Dia sedih. Rasa sedih di hati dia, Im dapat rasakan. Tak sampai hati, Im mesej dia. Dia tukar last seen dari online ke invisible. Comel pun ada. Lucu pun ada. Lembut sikit dari dulu. Tak sekeras masa lalu.
Dulu, dia tak pernah berlembut. "You pick the wrong girl". Keras dan tegas. Kalau Im terasa hati, Im senyap saja. Dulu dia penuh dengan emosi - cepat melenting, cepat marah, cepat merajuk, cepat menangis. Hati ais kadang-kadang cair juga. Bukan salah dia. Salah Im yang manjakan dia.
Sekarang, kalau Im garang sikit dia tak suka. Im gurau kasar sikit pun dia tak suka. Jiwa halus, Ummi - tapi tak nak mengaku. Biasalah perempuan. Kalau tak ego bukan perempuan namanya. Hati kering, tapi sebenarnya keras kerak nasi. Lama-lama lembut juga. Jinak-jinak burung merpati.
Krabi, Thailand
27-06-2024
Perbualan lama
"Tak lapar ke marah-marah?"
"………"
"Abang minta maaf kalau abang buat salah"
"Memang pun"
"Dulu masa Ara kerja, abang jugak basuh baju, lipat, iron, susun dalam almari. Tak ada hal pun"
"Mmm"
"Abang tahu Ara susah nak sesuaikan diri. Dulu kerja sekarang tak kerja. Penat tak sama, stres tak sama, masalah tak sama. Environment tak sama. Abang cuma nak bantu"
"I feel incapable in everything when you lend a hand. It's a simple task, but I still mess it up"
"Abang tak cakap pun Ara tak mampu. Abang tak maksud apa-apa pun. Cuba jangan fikir bukan-bukan"
"Mmm"
"Ara penat?"
"Tak"
"Stres?"
"Tak"
"Habis tu?"
"I feel inadequate when it comes to house chores"
"Kenapa nak bebankan diri dengan benda tak penting tu?"
"You're so perfect and want everything just right. I can't keep up with that"
"Abang tak boleh rumah sepah. Abang tak suka. Bukan sebab nak perfect ke apa. Abang memang tak boleh. Tak payah la kita besarkan benda ni"
"Ara teruk sangat ke di mata abang?"
"Tak"
"Mmmm"
"Abang tak nak Ara buat kerja teruk sangat. Tak payahlah dedikasikan hidup untuk selesaikan kerja rumah"
"Mmm kita lapar"
"Abang dah buat bihun sup"
"Ayam?"
"Haah"
"Jom turun. Lapar tau marah-marah"
"Sudahnya"
(tt)
_
Baca perbualan lama - rindu…
Self care
I finished work at 11:30 a.m. and went to the spa for a massage and a milk and honey bath. Afterward, I visited the salon for a hair treatment and a haircut. Once back at the hotel, I took a shower and then went to the mosque for Maghrib prayer. I broke my fast with wagyu steak, a simple maki sushi, and a cup of mugicha while savoring a poem by Qais al-Muwallah: "I am in love with Layla, and I am mad for her. I have no control over my heart, and my heart has no control over itself." It’s a beautiful poem. What a wonderful day it has been.
Dojima, Kita Ward, Osaka, Japan
26-08-2024 / 8.01 pm
Sunday, August 25, 2024
I miss you
Good morning, Lavender,
Here’s a little note from Osaka: “If you love me and lose yourself, it’s the most heart-wrenching part of our love.” True love means staying true to yourself, not losing yourself in another.
Oh, Ara, the summer heat in Japan is relentless—humid and still, with no breeze. I wear sunscreen, a hat, and sunglasses all the time, and I drink a lot of water. Today, I’m off to a site visit.
Can we find a way to end this cold war between us? My heart aches for you.
Love and only love,
Abang
Osaka, Japan
20240826
Min
Min,
Aku rasa aku buat salah besar bila aku singgah sebentar di Hospital Kajang dari Bandar Sri Sendayan. Saja jalan-jalan di Sendayan - lihat vila kemudian singgah solat di Masjid Sri Sendayan. Malamnya ada ceramah Dr. Omar Suleiman tapi aku tak pergi - tempat terhad dan aku tak daftarkan diri. Cadangannya nak bermalam di sana tapi tak bawa kembar. Bila sudah sampai Sri Hartamas, malas pula nak keluar semula.
Aku parkir di tepi. Aku cakap dekat Ara "Abang nak tidur" sebab aku rasa letih sangat sampai aku malas nak fikir apa-apa. Lama aku tidur. Aku terjaga selepas sejam. Ara tak kejutkan aku. Dia kata dia tak sampai hati nak kejutkan sebab aku tidur lena. Masalah tidur tak pernah selesai. Di Krabi pun aku tak tidur langsung - sepanjang malam aku isikan waktu dengan aktiviti - berharap malam cepat berlalu.
Aku meracau sebab aku mengigau - tertidur dekat-dekat waktu Asar. Rasanya sudah lama aku tak meracau. Aku nampak air muka Ara berubah sedikit tapi dia cuba selindungkan. Berpura-pura tak ada apa yang berlaku. Agaknya aku terlalu memikirkan, jadi terbawa-bawa dalam tidur. Aku minta maaf, aku cakap tak akan berlaku lagi. Aku tak suka buat Ara kecil hati. Aku tahu dia tersinggung.
Ara mudah di jaga. Dia tak banyak kerenah. Dia tak cerewet. Dia makan semua jenis makanan tapi dia tak suka makan kedai tepi jalan kecuali kedai Siam. Dia suka makan di hotel. Kadang-kadang aku bawa dia ke kafe atau club house atau resort. Lebih kurang sama dengan aku tempat dia melepak. Ara tak pandai mengemas. Bilik selalu bersepah tapi dia hygiene - kotor dan busuk dia tak suka.
Kalau pergi makan, dia tak order jus. Dia risau pembancuh air tak pakai sarung tangan. Dia tak suka pergi public toilet. Memang jarang sangat (aku masih boleh kira dengan jari) dia ke tandas awam. Di rumah, aku tak berkongsi bilik air dengan dia. Barang pun kami jarang berkongsi (sebab aku tak suka berkongsi, dia pula hygiene). Meja solek penuh dengan barang dia. Aku guna meja solek lain. Kami ada dua meja solek.
Pernah sekali sebelum kahwin, aku tak ingat kami berbual tentang apa tapi aku cakap "Ye la, laki ada 3 jenis air - air mazi, mani dan wadi". Respons dia "Habis la tilam Ara. Kotor la nanti" - anxiety dia menjelma. Aku rasa nak gelak terbahak-bahak. Mujurlah di tempat awam. Dia ingat air lelaki 4 baldi agaknya. Aku tahu dia anxiety jadi setiap kali tukar cadar aku gunakan beberapa lapis.
Ara tak ada best friend. Dia cuma ada kakak angkat. Itulah kawan gaduh dia. Ara jenis yang mudah let go orang sekeliling dia. Dia suka berterus-terang. Tak suka berteka-teki terutama dalam soal hati. Dia tak suka serabut. Kalau serabut, dia tinggalkan saja tak kisahlah betapa penting orang tersebut dalam kehidupan dia. Dia hampir let go kakak angkat dia sebab buat dia stres. Dia tak fikir panjang. Ambil jalan mudah.
Kata Ara "Sebab abang nasihat. Kalau tak, kita let go kakak angkat kita" padahal itulah orang paling dia rapat, paling dia sayang, paling baik dengan dia. She's easy to let go of people, no matter how important they are to her. Dia takkan fight untuk orang. Dia suka lelaki matang. Dia tak suka lelaki banyak cakap. Dia suka lelaki handsome yang jaga badan dan penampilan. Lelaki banyak makan pun dia tak suka.
Dia beritahu aku apa yang dia suka, apa yang dia tak suka. Dia boleh jadi perempuan paling matang bila di ajak berbicara. Di lain waktu, dia memanglah sangat manja. Kalau aku tak kahwin dengan dia - aku tak tahu pun dia manja. Kalau dia mengedik kenalah layan. Waktu aku baca buku atau dengar podcast - waktu itulah dia nak mengedik sangat. Kalau tak layan, nanti dia cakap "Kenapa abang tak layan kita?".
Satu perkara yang aku perlu sesuaikan - Ara tidur awal. Pukul 9 malam dia sudah mengantuk. Sebelum berkahwin, jarang dapat bergayut malam. Dia bangun jam 3 pagi baca Penyaksian Saksi-Saksi, bersedia untuk kes pagi nanti. Kemudian bersiap ke mahkamah. Tinggal di KL - perlu hadiri kes serata Malaysia. Kadang-kadang dapat call dari anak guam di tahan polis. Bergegas pula ke balai polis.
Keluarga dia tak pernah anggap aku orang luar. Selalu minta pendapat aku sebelum buat keputusan. Abang dia tak ada masalah dengan aku. Kembar dia pun okey. Dalam keluarga sebelah ayah dia, Ara seorang sahaja perempuan - sepupu dia semua lelaki. Adik-beradik ayah dia semua lelaki. Ayah dia manjakan dia sampai tak izinkan dia buat kerja rumah. Itulah sebab dia tak pandai buat kerja rumah.
Panjang betul aku tulis pasal Ara. Sebenarnya aku takut dia tinggalkan aku sebab bosan dengan aku yang masih dalam circle yang sama walaupun tak nampak tanda dia bosan. Aku tetap risau untuk jangka masa panjang. Bila dia dengan aku, dia sangat keanak-anakkan. Aku pun suka manjakan dia. Bila dia tak sampai ambil barang, dia minta aku dukung - bukannya tak ada tangga. Saja, nak manja.
Min bila nak balik?
(Julai 14, 2024)
Saturday, August 24, 2024
and I miss you, a lot…
Good morning, Ara,
I don't like to say "good morning" because I was accused of bothering someone else's wife, which is true. I wish I could tell you about this, but I can't. We haven't talked, and I don't have any friends to confide in. My world feels like it's turned back 10 years. I also dislike June; it reminds me of someone saying goodbye and leaving without looking back.
Since I met you, my world has changed a lot. Please don’t leave me. You are the one I have. You gave me a sense of family, cooked for me, and rode a bicycle with me. We did many things together, and I think you are awesome. You know how to crack jokes, and we always laugh. Laughter is the best medicine. You don’t have to be perfect to love me; just being you is enough.
Don’t you miss me? I’ve been waiting for your calls, but there have been none. I miss your voice. I'm so bored here; I haven’t gone to work and have lost my mood. I just lie on the ground, looking at the night sky, wishing everything would be okay like it used to be. I’ve lost interest in doing anything. I read all the recipes you sent me and replay videos of our dancing moments.
and I miss you, a lot…
Kobe, Japan
25-08-2024 / 6:14 am
Pilu
Aku sampai rumah 12:45 pagi. Sebelumnya ke Bandar Sunsuria. Turun dari pesawat terus saja ke Masjid Sultan Abdul Samad, KLIA untuk solat Maghrib. Hari Rabu, jadual dia di Sepang. Katanya, bulan ini terakhir kerana dia tak mahu lagi memandu - jauh. Aku tak pernah ke sana. Dia bercerita tentang jalan raya yang semakin besar dan melebar Dia menyebut beberapa nama tempat yang aku sendiri tidak lagi familiar. Aku sudah lama tidak ke Sepang.
Aku masih belum habis business trip. Sepatutnya ke Jepun tapi sewaktu di Hong Kong, Jepun mengeluarkan amaran tsunami mega kerana Taufan Ampil. Banyak penerbangan domestik dan antarabangsa di batalkan termasuklah penerbangan aku. Aku ambil keputusan balik ke KL untuk bawa anak-anak berjumpa ibu mereka. Aku tahu Ara juga rindukan kembar. Perancangannya tidaklah lama kerana masih ada kerja belum selesai.
Mertua yang baik hati faham yang aku selalu sibuk. Bonda rindu cucu. Dia minta aku tinggalkan kembar dengan dia. Dia kata aku nampak penat dengan mata yang sedikit lebam. Aku sampai dari Hong Kong 7:15 malam -terus saja ke PR untuk mandikan dan beri anak-anak makan. Mujurlah mereka tak meragam. Aku bergerak ke Hartamas jam 10 malam. Niat cuma ingin hantar anak-anak tapi Bonda ajak masuk ke rumah.
Aku keberatan pada mulanya. Ara masih belum balik. Dia tak tahu pun aku datang. Bonda hidang nasi tapi aku tak ada selera. Aku naik atas, masuk bilik Ara. Ada beberapa helai baju di atas lantai. Aku kutip semuanya, asingkan dan letak di dalam bakul. Aku bawa ke bawah untuk di cuci - tak banyak sangat pun. Aku naik semula ke bilik - kemas barang atas meja, susun pakaian, kemaskan katil dan vacuum. Aku masuk bilik air - bersih.
Habis kemas bilik, aku bersihkan diri kemudian bersiap. Aku turun bawah tunggu Ara balik. Ara balik hampir jam 12. Ara masuk rumah, aku ajak dia makan tapi dia tak nak. Dia naik atas - masuk bilik kembar. Kembar sudah tidur. Ara masuk bilik, aku ikut. Aku cuba berbasa-basi tapi dia buat tak tahu saja. Aku masuk bilik dan cuba tidur. Jam 2:30 pagi aku masih tak dapat tidur. Aku keluar dan masuk bilik Ara. Aku duduk di birai katil - dia tidur lena.
Ara terjaga. Aku cakap aku nak tumpang tidur sekejab sebab mata tak mahu lelap. Aku tidur bawah - atas karpet. Aku keluar bilik ambil AirPods. Bila aku masuk, Ara sedang pegang phone aku. Aku tak tahu apa yang dia tengok. Tiba-tiba dia marah. Dia suruh aku keluar tapi aku tak nak jadi kami bergaduh. Aku diam. Aku dengar setiap apa yang Ara cakap. Paling aku ingat "I can love you and still let you go." Pilu hati mendengarnya.
Ara menangis teresak-esak. Aku cuba tenangkan tapi dia menolak. Aku teman Ara hingga dia berhenti menangis. Dia terlelap. Penat menangis agaknya. Bila dia tertidur, aku pun tidur. Aku sedih lihat dia sedih. Dia merasakan dirinya tidak mencapai standard yang aku inginkan. Dia merasakan dirinya gagal menjadi yang terbaik. Tak ada manusia yang sempurna. Kata John Steinbeck, "We are as God made us, and the gods are not perfect."
Esoknya, aku ke Seibu, TRX. Aku harap Ara suka hadiah yang aku belikan. Kemudian aku singgah MPH. MPH TRX merupakan cawangan terbesar di Malaysia. Ruang pamernya sangat luas. Ini bikin aku sangat teruja dengan konsep susun latar yang lebih segar dan moden. Pilihan bukunya yang banyak benar-benar buat aku merinding ketika mengitari mencari buku yang sesuai di beli. Pelaburan kali ini nampaknya sangat berbaloi.
Aku beli beberapa buah buku untuk Ara - pelbagai tema dari jenayah (pastinya), psikologi, sejarah dan karya tempatan. Aku suka beli buku dalam bahasa Melayu. Sekarang sudah banyak penerbit mandiri tetapi genre buku masih belum ada kepelbagaian. Buku dalam bahasa Melayu banyak yang bermutu tinggi bukan semuanya sampah tetapi memerlukan lebih banyak penambahbaikan dari segi persembahan dan kandungan.
Ada beberapa hal yang aku tak suka dengan buku Melayu terutamanya karya pop. Penulis berlumba-lumba menulis kisah lelaki kacak yang jahat merogol perempuan dan di paksa berkahwin. Jalan cerita kahwin paksa ini sudah tepu tetapi masih popular. Terdapat sesetengah novel, adegan ranjangnya sangat melampaui batas. Terkini, karya Anjell berjudul Lelaki Astatine menjadi perdebatan kerana mempromosikan soft sex.
Novel ini di cetak 80,000 naskah sempena PBAKL dan habis terjual. Kalangan pembacanya adalah murid sekolah rendah. Ini menimbulkan suasana tidak nyaman buat ibu bapa dan kalangan pendidik. Penulis pula perempuan berniqab dan masih belum bernikah. Aksi panasnya hebat. Anjell merupakan penulis terkenal. Buah tangannya laris seperti pisang goreng panas dan sentiasa mendapat permintaan ramai terutama pembaca muda.
Idea serong yang di cambahkan perlulah berpada-pada kerana pena seorang penulis boleh mempengaruhi pemikiran pembacanya. Terdapat satu dapatan tidak rasmi mengatakan bahawa perempuan sekarang cenderung menyukai bad boy. Sesudah berkahwin dan di sepak terajang barulah sedar realiti tidak seindah fantasi. Penulis perlulah lebih berhati-hati dalam berkarya kerana tahap pemikiran pembaca berbeza-beza.
Rumah Ummi
22-08-2024 / 4:21 pagi
Friday, August 23, 2024
Love is a beautiful pain
It's 3:33 am. I was awake after a nightmare—a Hiace van exploded, and I failed to save her. When I woke up, I was disoriented, but then I realized I was on an airplane bound for Japan. After half an hour, I began to feel a bit calmer. This is not the first nightmare I've had; a few days ago, I dreamed of her in an accident. She was hurt badly.
I think about her constantly, non-stop. My thoughts are always with her. I've stayed away from my inbox, not opening or reading it. The more I read her emails, the more I miss her. Longing is painful, but this love is both beautiful. It makes me feel alive and makes me want to live for a hundred years. Who in love doesn’t want to live forever?
I don't blame her for the chaos in my life. I choose to reply to her emails and always wait for her messages, even if it's just a simple "Hi abang." Reading her emails makes my day. When she’s around, I feel completely perfect. I can finally sleep peacefully. I sleep like a baby. My mind is at peace, and nothing feels void. I feel like I’m finally at home.
I prefer being awake rather than sleeping, but she is the opposite. She says that in dreams, she can do whatever she wants. She loves kissing me, but I'm too shy to kiss her. Years ago, I wasn't that timid. Maybe I’m too old for that. She’s now wild and adventurous, while I am a timid old man. She is so marvelous at seducing me, making the room so heated.
Sometimes she distances herself from me, trying not to be too uncontrollable. She says she doesn’t trust herself, and I smile, thinking about how sexy she is when she’s high. She’s still like a kitten, making me happy. Sometimes she’s okay, sometimes she’s not. Her mood goes up and down like any other person. When she’s happy, she talks nonstop.
I never feel like I’m wasting my time with her. I could sit in silence for hours, and it would still feel fulfilling and necessary. A phone call without hearing her voice is enough. That’s how it is. Even just hearing her breathe brings me peace. Silence is also a language of love. You don’t always need to talk; love has its own language, and there is beauty in silence.
I’m still hopeful for a phone call, but I know I can't have it anymore. I don’t want to cause any trouble. This week is her last working in Sunsuria City. After this, I won’t be able to check on her, as I don’t know her work schedule, but that’s okay. Maybe I should stop doing that too. Maybe then I can move on, start living, and leave the past behind.
I miss our conversations but haven’t opened the chat app. Life has become unbalanced, and I’m trying to stabilize, but I haven’t managed it. My mind keeps traveling to her—wondering what she’s doing, what she’s eating, and how her days are passing. Longing for someone is painful, but loving them is beautiful. Love is a beautiful pain.
On board for Japan
24-08-2024
Soulmate
"Soulmates do exist. It took a while to believe that, but now I know it's true. The reality is you don’t get to choose who you fall in love with, and you don’t get to choose who falls in love with you. It’s an uncontrollable force that just happens, and when it does, it changes everything. You know they’re your person when you can be tired together or bored together, but every moment is still filled with the energy that’s good for your soul. It’s in those quiet moments, when not much is happening, that you realize how deeply connected you are. You look at each other and there’s a comfort, a peace, that you can’t find anywhere else and when you never want them to stop talking because hearing them makes the world not so quiet anymore, that’s when you know. They take care of your heart and everything about you that no one else would care to know. They see the parts of you that you try to hide, and they love you even more for them. There’s not a single love that is perfect, but there are hundreds that are real. It’s messy and beautiful and worth every single second. That is what love is; this is what it means to find your soulmate." — Unknown
Good night, everyone. I hope that one day you find your soulmate and live with them forever. True love happens only once, and I hope you are all fortunate enough to experience it. Daddy wants your love story to have a happy ending. Always remember that love is beautiful and when you fall for someone, love them deeply. Don’t regret giving your love to someone, even if you don’t get the same in return. Love is pure and doesn’t ask for anything back. Sleep tight. Daddy will be away for work for a few days.
My wife’s favorite artist
Joshua Bell is an acclaimed violinist, widely recognized as one of the foremost talents in the world. My wife is an admirer of this distinguished artist.
Unfaithful
I'm roughly 89% certain that Ara knows I'm cheating on her, but she has chosen not to address it. She just doesn't know with whom I’m being unfaithful. Regardless of whether she brings it up or not, it still causes her pain.
Masjid Saidina Abu Bakar As-Siddiq, Bangsar
23082024 / 4:30 pm
Thursday, August 22, 2024
Love will hurt
Ara, my darling,
Dr. Jezamine Lim once said, "Love will hurt. The closest will hurt you the most." I’m deeply sorry for the hurt I’ve caused you. Your feelings mean more to me than I can express. I’m heading out for work tomorrow, and when I return, I’ll be taking our kids back to Costa Rica. I don’t want to add any more stress to your life. I understand you have an appointment with a counselor.
I’ve learned that "Never make a person your comfort place; you wouldn’t realize when this comfort place will become a haunted house because people change." Despite changes around us, my love for you remains unwavering. You’re the one I yearn to return to at the end of each day. You’re the one I want to share my experiences, joys, and triumphs with.
Our love story might be unique, but it’s profoundly meaningful to me because of you. You are the woman I cherish deeply, and I am immensely proud to have you in my life. Please don’t be just a chapter; you’re integral to my story. I miss the intimacy we shared—carrying you to our bedroom, our private moments, being close to you. On this Friday night, I long for those moments.
Forever yours,
Abang
Mont Kiara, KL
23-08-2024, 4:08 am
Min
Min,
Minggu lepas setiap malam aku mimpi buruk - bangun terkejut tapi aku tak call Ara. Aku tak nak susahkan dia. Dia penat jaga kembar demam. Dia tak tahu pun aku bangun terkejut - dada dan kepala aku sakit sangat. Dalam minggu itu juga aku cirit-birit sepanjang minggu dan Ara tak tahu. Lesu jadinya.
Minggu lepas, hari Asyura jatuh pada hari Selasa. Isninnya aku puasa Tasau', Rabu pula Ahada 'A-syara, Khamis puasa sunat, Jumaat hingga Ahad puasa Ayyamul Bidh, Isnin sambung puasa sunat. Hari Selasa barulah tak keluar masuk tandas. Esoknya aku balik Costa Rica. Penerbangan transit di Panama - sejam lebih.
Aku sampai lapangan terbang jam 4 petang. Sampai di rumah 50 minit kemudian. Jalan tak begitu sesak. Cuaca tak begitu panas. Anak-anak sedang mandi di kolam ketika aku sampai. Nampak saja kelibat aku, semuanya nak keluar dari kolam. Anak aku pandai berenang sebelum pandai berjalan. Hebat, kan?
Aku masuk rumah, Ara di dapur sedang siapkan minum petang - Earl grey tea, cookies, dan ubi goreng. Aku naik atas, letak beg, masuk bilik - sejuk. Ara sudah hidupkan penghawa dingin dan air freshener perfume. Pakaian sudah tersedia di atas katil - kain pelikat berwarna ungu bersama t-shirt roundneck.
Aku masuk bilik air, sudah tersedia tuala dan bathrobe juga muzik iringan. Aku terlelap hampir satu jam. Kalau tak kerana Ara kejutkan, memang tak sedar tertidur. Mungkin kerana terlalu lama menunggu untuk minum petang tapi aku tak muncul jadi dia naik ke tingkat atas mencari aku. Aku tertidur dalam jakuzi.
Ketika Ara kejutkan, senja sudah berlabuh. Aku bersiap untuk solat Maghrib dan ajar anak mengaji. Selepas Isyak, makan bersama anak-anak sambil bercerita hal sekolah. Kemudian aku tidurkan kembar. Aku bacakan puisi untuk kembar. Selain kisah nabi dan cerita tauladan, aku suka bacakan puisi untuk anak.
Aku bukan nak menulis sangat sebenarnya. Awal pagi tadi ketika membaca aku terjumpa kutipan kata-kata Hemingway jadi aku teringat sepuluh tahun dulu di Paris. Eropah sudah di penuhi imigran. Agak celaru landskapnya. Aku lebih suka Eropah yang dulu. Rindu zaman muda. Min apa khabar? Sudah balik?
“If you are lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life, it stays with you, for Paris is a moveable feast.”
(Julai 27, 2024)
Wednesday, August 21, 2024
Tuesday, August 20, 2024
Love is a choice
Ara, my dearest,
Every flaw carries its own kind of beauty, and I know I’m not perfect either. I don’t expect you to be perfect. What matters is that you are true to yourself, and that’s why I love you so deeply. Love is a choice—a choice to stay, to work through challenges, and to build something strong, even when it’s tough. Please don’t ask me to leave. I’m here for you, and I won’t leave just because you feel you aren’t the perfect wife. I’m your husband, and I made a promise to stand by you and never hurt you. No one else can have me but you. I want to be with you and only you, and I see how you’ve stood by me for the past six years.
You’ve given me a beautiful world, and your support and encouragement have brought me to where I am today. I am at my best when I’m with you, and I couldn’t have reached this point without you. We have a wonderful, happy life together, and I miss everything about you—our deep conversations, your laughter, your touch, your hugs, your kisses. Don’t you miss me? I miss hearing you say, “I want to hug you until I smell like you.” No matter how difficult things get, I’m not going anywhere. Life and love can be hard, but tough days don’t last forever. After all, it’s always darkest before the dawn.
I’m usually reserved and don’t open up to many people. If I’ve shown you the real me, it’s because you’re incredibly special to me. You understand me better than anyone else, and I believe we can always start over. A strong relationship requires a lot of forgiveness to endure. Please forgive yourself for your flaws and weaknesses. I help you because I love you. As your husband, it’s my role to support you just as you support me—whether it's cooking my favorite meals, buying things for me, or handling tasks like paying for my books. A relationship requires both parties to be involved.
Let’s put an end to this conflict and start fresh. I was looking forward to celebrating our 6th anniversary, but instead, we’ve been at odds for nearly a month. Can we go out for dinner when I get home? Maybe we can sail like we used to or go hiking together? My evenings feel empty without you. Everything seems dull when you’re not around. Our cat misses you too—she’s quiet and hasn’t been the same. Even the little monkey isn’t stealing our bananas anymore. They all miss you and the way you bring joy into our home. We all love you dearly. Please come back so we can start again. Can we?
"Abang selalu ada untuk Hara. Abang mahu menikmati setiap detik bersama Hara. Kita raikan hidup dengan senyuman, gelak ketawa dan perbincangan-perbincangan sederhana berat. Abang mahu Hara tahu yang abang berasa beruntung mengenali Hara. Abang bersyukur Hara hadir dalam hidup abang. Abang gembira bersama Hara. Abang jatuh cinta bukan kerana rupa paras Hara tapi kerana santun budi yang Hara miliki. Hara memiliki segala-galanya. Di mata abang, Hara begitu sempurna." (09/08/2017)
"أحبك أكثر من أي وقت مضى، وكل لحظة بدونك كالعمر بأسره."
"I love you more than ever, and every moment without you feels like a lifetime."
Footnote: Just so you know, I’m rocking some cute yellow boxers right now. Would you want a peek?
Second footnote: I really miss dancing with you.
Endless love,
Abang
Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam
August 21, 2024 / 3:28 am
Good night, sayang
I was smiling, remembering how you wanted to make me smile a few months ago. I was shy and trying to stay calm while you happily teased me.
You’re still on my mind before I go to bed. Can we go to sleep and meet in our dreams? In our dreams, it’s just the two of us, happy forever.
It’s a full moon tonight. I’m lying on my bed, gazing at the moon and whispering your name. I miss you, sweetheart. Good night and sleep tight.
Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam
21-08-2024 / 12:43 am
Ho Chi Minh
Landed in Ho Chi Minh from Manila around 8 a.m. The flight was fine, and after a two-hour nap, I felt pretty refreshed. Checked into the hotel, showered, and got ready for work. The project kicked off about two weeks ago, so I came to see how things are going, meet the project manager, understand her plans, and tackle any issues. This time, I am placing my trust in a woman to lead the team. I hope she proves me right. Met with the project team management too.
Afterward, I returned to the hotel, rested for 30 minutes, and took another shower before heading to the mosque for Maghrib prayers. Once back, I had a big meal: two plates of chicken rice, a bowl of vegetable soup, three tuna sandwiches, and a glass of mango juice. Rested for an hour, then went boxing. Found out that 15 minutes of boxing can burn as many calories as an hour in the gym. I returned to the hotel after the gym closed at 10 p.m. and took a long, warm shower.
Now I’m unwinding with some puzzles before bed.
Good night to me.
Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam
20-08-2024 / 11:51 pm
Monday, August 19, 2024
Mpox
I’m still fasting today for Ayyamul Bidh and only had 2 buns and a cup of hot cocoa for sahur—wasn’t really in the mood for anything heavy. I saw that Mpox is now spreading in the Philippines and Indonesia, and Malaysia had 9 cases recently. It’s lucky I postponed my move to Jozi in South Africa this year. For now, I’m just sticking around CR.
Ninoy Aquino International Airport, Philippines
August 20, 2024 / 4:24 am
Alhamdulillah
It’s 3:33 a.m. in Manila. I’ve just wrapped up my work, gone back to the hotel, grabbed my bag, and hurried to the airport for my next flight. My wife is with the kids, allowing me to concentrate on my work. I haven’t eaten a proper meal yet; I broke my fast with just a bottle of water and some dark chocolate. Overall, it was a good day, and I’m feeling like I’m on top of the world. Alhamdulillah.
Metro Manila, Philippines
20240820
Work like a dog
32°
Feels like 40°
I'm sweating, baby. It's too hot in Manila, but Krabi is much hotter than this town. Costa Rica? Even hotter. For the sake of money, work hard like a dog. Who let the dogs out. Who, who, who, who?
Metro Manila, Philippines
19082024, 3:35 pm
Sunday, August 18, 2024
Kuikat hatimu dengan kalbuku
Abang baru balik dari solat Jumaat. Abang pergi dapur, makanan sudah tersedia di atas meja tapi abang tak ada selera. Semalam abang berbuka dengan roti. Sampai malam abang tak makan. Pagi tadi abang makan roti dengan kopi untuk alas perut. Perut abang pedih - mungkin sebab tak makan. Abang teringin makan nasi kenduri. Kalau Ara ada tentu Ara masakkan untuk abang.
Abang rindu Ara. Rumah sunyi. Abang tercari-cari bunyi rantai kaki tapi tak ada. Abang masuk bilik Ara. Semua fail tersusun rapi. Tak ada barang bersepah di atas meja. Lantai pun bersih - mungkin Ara sudah vacuum sebelum balik. Dari cara Ara kemas nampaknya seperti lama Ara akan tinggalkan abang. Abang minta maaf buat Ara marah. Abang tak ada niat untuk lukakan hati Ara.
Ara tanya "Kenapa abang tak marah?" bila lihat bakul pakaian yang penuh di bilik mandi. Tak ada sekelumit amarah dalam hati abang. Sepanjang di Brazil, abang jaga emosi supaya mood abang stabil bila balik nanti. Sehari sebelum balik, mood abang tak begitu baik tapi abang tak hiraukan sangat. Abang ke Brazil untuk tenangkan diri dan tak nak balik dalam keadaan yang sama.
Maaf, abang tak sempat tulis surat ketika di Brazil. Abang tulis sebenarnya tapi tak sempat habiskan. Abang minta maaf buat Ara kecil hati. Memang menjadi kebiasaan abang menulis sepucuk dua surat untuk Ara apabila abang keluar berkerja tapi kali ini abang gagal. Perjalanan antara satu negeri dengan negeri yang lain agak memenatkan dengan jam transit yang panjang.
Ara marahkan abang sebab abang basuhkan baju Ara? Tak, abang tak anggap Ara tak mampu menguruskan hal rumah tangga kita malah abang berterima kasih kerana Ara uruskan semuanya dengan baik sekali. Tanpa Ara tentulah semua urusan tak selancar sekarang. Ara uruskan bil-bil rumah, kemas kini stok makanan kita, dan segala keperluan anak-anak.
Ya, hal-hal kecil tapi besar maknanya bagi abang. Abang tak mampu uruskan semuanya tanpa bantuan Ara. Ara tahu tak? Abang balik awal dari Brazil sebab abang dapat rasakan emosi Ara tak stabil sejak kes pembunuhan Nur Farah Kartini. Ara cakap "Terlalu empati buat kita terlalu beremosi. Rasa serabut". Kemudian keluar pula keputusan penghakiman Zulfarhan Osman.
Sebelum itu, Ara berkongsi cerita tentang kes kanak-kanak autisme yang mati di bunuh. Kes ini banyak yang tak kena kata Ara. Lebih-lebih lagi apabila peguam yang di lantik menarik diri walaupun terdapat desas-desus mengatakan beliau sebenarnya di pecat kerana isu etika guaman. Kes-kes yang bertindih ini memberikan kesan sampingan kepada emosi Ara. Itu yang pasti.
Abang juga faham Ara bersimpati dengan nasib 6 bekas siswa UPNM yang bakal menghadapi hukuman gantung sampai mati akibat membuli jika Mahkamah Persekutuan mengekalkan sabitan. Media mengulang semula video lama ketika suspek kelihatan "ceria", ketawa tanpa secalit wajah penyesalan kerana hukuman yang di berikan amat ringan iaitu penjara 18 tahun.
Abang masih ingat Ara bercerita tentang kes kematian Esha, seorang pempengaruh yang menjadi mangsa buli siber. Tertuduh, setelah mengaku bersalah hanya di kenakan hukuman denda RM 100. Kata Ara, akta tersebut di gubal pada tahun 1950-an dan belum di pinda. Ara geram dengan suspek bernama Shalini yang senyum melirik ketika keluar dari mahkamah.
Abang selalu rasa kesal atas setiap tindakan yang abang ambil. Kadang-kadang abang rasa bersalah rotan anak-anak dengan teruk sewaktu depresi abang di tahap kritikal. Ada orang kata, abang tak segarang itu dengan anak-anak - ya, betul, tapi emosi dan persekitan banyak mempengaruhi abang. Kadang-kadang abang rasa abang bertindak terlalu ganas.
Abang masih ingat Ara takut hingga terketar-ketar bila pertama kali lihat abang marah. Sampai sekarang abang rasa kesal yang amat. Abang minta maaf buat Ara takut. Abang tak nak ulangi kesilapan abang jadi setiap kali kita berselisih faham - abang lebih banyak diamkan diri. Abang takut tersalah / terlepas cakap yang akan buat hati Ara lebih terluka. Berdiam diri lebih baik.
Abang diam bukan sebab abang tak nak layan Ara. Abang tak nak bertengkar dalam rumah. Abang tak nak pecahkan barang-barang. Abang risau abang hilang kawalan dan angkat tangan pada Ara. Abang cuba elakkan sesuatu perkara yang tidak di ingini. Kita manusia biasa. Apabila datang amarah, syaitan turut berbisik. Lebih baik diam dari menyesal di kemudian hari.
Ara tentu tahu abang tak suka rumah bersepah, kain baju berlonggok, lantai berhabuk, meja melekit dan segala macam lagi. Abang mudah naik angin bila lihat rumah tak teratur. Biarlah orang kata rumah seperti muzium sekalipun - itu memang sifat abang. Abang suka rumah yang kemas, teratur dan bersih. Abang tak boleh ubah sifat ini. Abang minta maaf kalau buat Ara stres.
Abang tak pernah suruh Ara buat apa-apa kerja rumah. Kalau Ara tak nak jaga anak pun - abang okey. Tak masak pun tak apa. Abang faham Ara penat. Kadang-kadang, bila abang lihat Ara tidur lena - abang tak sampai hati nak bagi salam. Abang cuba jadi suami yang prihatin dan memahami walaupun abang selalu gagal. Abang minta maaf atas segala kekurangan abang.
Abang tak menginginkan dunia miyabi. Cukuplah wabi-sabi dan segala kekurangan yang kita miliki asalkan kita dapat hidup bersama dan saling melengkapi. Abang ada Ara, Ara ada abang. Bila Ara buat khilaf, abang tegur. Bila abang buat salah, Ara betulkan. Perkara pertama dalam perkahwinan bukanlah cinta tapi ketenangan. Dari ketenanganlaah akan lahirnya mahabbah.
Ara jaga diri. Abang jauh. Kalau jadi apa-apa susah. Ara tenangkan hati, rehat secukupnya, lapangkan fikiran, selalu istighfar, jangan lupa selawat, tidur sepuasnya. Abang tunggu Ara balik. Jangan tinggalkan abang lama-lama (sebab abang lelaki terhangat di pasaran - kalau orang pinang abang macam mana?). Ara balik nanti kita bina hubungan yang lebih baik.
Kata bijak pandai, "For marriage is about divine unity of two, not unity of one". Sama-samalah kita muhasabah diri dan perbaiki kelemahan diri masing-masing. Abang tak nak kehilangan Ara. Abang sayang Ara. Hari ini hujan - sejuk. Abang minum kopi sambil baca buku tapi ingatan abang pada Ara - cantik, jelita, mempersona. Pandang tak jemu. Rindu segala-galanya.…
Kuikat hatimu dengan kalbuku,
Abang
Rumah kita
7 Ogos 2024
Saturday, August 17, 2024
Friday, August 16, 2024
Takdir dan ketentuan
Apa yang sudah ditakdirkan pasti akan terjadi pada kita, sedangkan apa yang tidak ditentukan tidak akan berlaku pada kita.
(Penulis asal)
Catatan 10 Ogos 2024
Rochester, New York, USA
Bird fly
Daddy: Kesian daddy penat kejar. Daddy dah tua
Hasha: Cloud
Daddy: Haah. Cantik kan
Hasha: Bird fly
Daddy: Mana? Daddy tak nampak pun
Hasha: *gelak*
Daddy: Suka dia kenakan daddy
Rochester, New York, USA
20240810
Nooo
Daddy: Jangan jalan. Adoi letih la daddy nak kejar. Makan dulu bagi habis ni
Raysha: Daddy eat
Daddy: Apa pulak daddy. Raysha punya kan
Raysha: Nooo
Rochester, New York, USA
20240810
I'm truly sorry
Ara, my darling,
If one day you happen to find my personal blog, please do not get mad at me. I have copied all our conversations here, whether we were in a lovey-dovey mood, feeling sad and sorrowful, or having arguments and fights. It isn't my intention to write about the bad side of you, no. It's just that the reality of a relationship is far different from what is portrayed on television.
There was a time when I tried to pour out what was inside my heart to someone I was close to (we had fought that day), but that person thought I was complaining about you. No, I wasn't. I was just trying to release what I was carrying in my heart. It weighed on me. That person said that she didn't like hearing me complain about my wife. I realized something that day.
Men and women think differently. When a woman talks about what their partner is doing that they don't like, for them it is just pouring out their heart, but when a man does the same, a woman thinks that the man is complaining about his wife. But still, there is a thick line between pouring out and complaining. The difference is in the way we absorb those things.
I thank her. From that day, anything that I didn't like, I talked straight to your face. You pay attention and listen, of course, after countless fights. I wrote down our fights as a long lesson. I keep reading and trying to analyze the core problem and try to tackle it the best way. Every relationship is unique and has its own strengths and flaws. We won't have the same love twice.
But I am worried if one day people come to my blog and think I write all our arguments to show that you are the problem and I am the good one. That is not my intention. I keep records so I can track what problems we encountered. We had a smooth journey during our dating period, but now it's a different world. We have had a roller coaster relationship.
I learn from my past relationship. She said that I was the hero and she was the villain. I don't want to repeat the same mistake. I want to grow and have a better mindset. I want to tackle issues with a low tone. I try not to raise my voice. I don't want my bad temper to ruin our life. You almost peed yourself the first time you saw me lose my temper. I try to be a mature man.
I learn that with different people, we have different journeys. It's difficult at first and still difficult. Sometimes it's me who ruins beautiful things. We have our own battles, but you handle them much better than I do. I always stumble here and there, saying a thousand apologies and still repeating mistakes. I am sorry if you find it hard to understand me. You have tried your very best.
I love you, all of you. There are times when I want to give up on you, but I always keep in mind that you never once gave up on me. You are patient with my moods. I should do the same for you. A real man will always take care of his ship and the people in it, no matter how challenging the hardships may be. You are my partner; let’s sail together and continue our journey.
Much love,
Abang
Toronto, Canada
August 11, 2024
_
I wrote this a few hours before our intense argument, and I said some hurtful things. I'm truly sorry. I lost my temper.
Bolehkah aku bertanya?
"Tuhan, Bolehkah aku bertanya. Mengapa Engkau tumbuhkan rasa cinta, sayang dan rindu di antara aku dan dia jika semua itu terlarang?Bukankah yang terlarang harus di jauhi? Tetapi mengapa Engkau selalu dekatkan kami? Bukahkah Engkau tidak akan pernah pertemukan dua insan yang saling mencintai tanpa alasan dan tujuan. Maka aku hanya berharap jika dia tak tertakdirkan untukku di dunia. Kuharap Engkau izinkan aku bersamanya di surgaMU kelak."
(Penulis asal)
Masjid Kowloon, Hong Kong
17 Ogos 2024, Subuh
Semut masuk kain
"Dah sampai rumah?"
"Dah"
"Dah makan?"
"Abang nak latte?"
"Hantu lapar sebab ada upacara. Awak lapar sebab apa? Rindu suami?"
"Tolong sikit"
"Sunyi betul hidup tu. Kena pergi rumah mayat baru terisi hahaha"
"You shut up!"
"Okey sayang hehe"
"Mmmmm"
"Tu bunyi kegeraman ke kesedapan hahahaha"
"Youuuu!"
"Call me handsome, pretty"
"…………"
"Kejab eh. Semut masuk kain"
"Mmmm"
"Hehehe tergoda ke"
"Tak pun"
Panggilan telefon
Hong Kong, China
16/08/2024
Tak rindu?
"Ara? Sorry. Abang tidur"
"Tak rindu kita?"
"Haa? Rindu"
"Tipu"
"Kenapa pulak ni?"
"Tengok video"
"Kenapa?"
"………"
"Ara lapar?"
"Tak"
"Hmm…"
"Kenapa diam?"
"Abang mengantuk. Baru dapat tidur"
"Fine"
"Ra…Ra…kejab, kejab…"
"Apa?"
"Video tu kenapa?"
"Buat tak faham?"
"Mengantuk. Pagi abang call boleh?"
Panggilan telefon
Hong Kong, China
16/08/2024
Be tough
I didn't open the chat app. I know that if I open it, I'll try to call you, but I can't make the call. The night is so peaceful, and I just want to sit silently next to you.
Tsim Sha Tsui, Hong Kong
August 16, 2024 / 3:09 am
Thursday, August 15, 2024
Rohingya Crisis
I’m at the laundry washing the kids' clothes while reading about the Rohingya crisis. A source reports that the Japanese government has decided to provide the International Organization for Migration (IOM) with $2.7 million in assistance for the Rohingyas and host communities in Cox's Bazar. Some sources also indicate that Japan has offered to take in 1,000 Rohingyas. However, the Bangladeshi government has emphasized the need for a long-term solution. They noted that by the time the flight lands, another 1,000 Rohingya babies will have been born. While Bangladesh appreciates Japan’s gesture, they believe it is not a viable solution. The government asserts that Myanmar must take back its people, and Bangladesh will not admit any more individuals from Myanmar.
Kowloon, Hong Kong
16082024 / 6:16 am
Life is beautiful
Hi Hana,
Thank you for your email. My inbox was flooded with your messages, and I’m sorry I didn’t reply sooner. I’m also sorry that I can’t offer you the same feelings you had for me nearly a decade ago. Thank you for always being there for me as a good friend since we were in Paris.
Humans have been advised for generations to avoid trouble—don’t make trouble, don’t seek it out, and don’t be involved in causing it. We often break our own rules for someone, but I can’t break my principles for you. I don’t want any trouble, and you should avoid it as well.
You’re a smart woman studying at a prestigious university in the UK and have a promising career. Don’t jeopardize everything you’ve achieved for a man. It’s not worth it. Trust me. Love will come to you in unexpected ways, and it will come eventually. Don’t rush anything. Life takes time.
Over the past decade, life has changed a lot. You’re now in your 30s. Plan your life ahead. Find a good man who understands your career, supports you, and applauds your achievements without holding you back—someone who isn’t insecure about your success.
A partner greatly influences your well-being. Choose wisely. Choose someone who is gentle with you even after conflicts, someone you can look up to as an example, and someone who doesn’t complain about sharing responsibilities. A good man is hard to find, but I hope you find one.
Life is beautiful when every breath we take is filled with love, but I can’t be a part of it.
Your friend,
Robot tua
Sandar
"Ara…"
"Apa?"
"Uish garangnya"
"Kenapa? Tak percaya?"
"Nak makan Ara boleh tak?"
"Tak nak"
"Malam Jumaat…rindu…"
"Eleh"
"Drive ke?"
"Abang nak latte?"
"Hmm….Ara dari mana?"
"Entah"
"Nak sandar boleh?"
"Sandar sana"
"Sana mana? Di antara dua **** eh?"
"Awak kenapa?"
"Rindu…"
"Astu?"
"Shhh…drive je. Drive me crazy hahaha"
"Tak lawak pun"
"Panggil la abang"
"Whatever"
"Call me anything you want, but I prefer you call me tonight haha"
"Menyampah"
"Ara sampai abang letak phone. Sorry pasal hari tu"
"Dah sampai"
"Sekejab…"
"Apa?"
"Tak ada apa. Bye……"
Panggilan telefon
Tsim Sha Tsui, Hong Kong
15 Ogos 2024
I miss you
I miss you a lot. I gaze at the moon and miss you even more. I didn’t write, read, or listen to music. I want to feel something. It’s been a long day, and I can’t sleep. You occupy my mind and affect my mood. I feel sad and depressed. This void needs to be filled with nothing but you. I just lost one person, and the whole world has become so empty.
I opened the Play Store, hoping to find an app that could ease my emptiness, but I couldn’t find one. I scrolled, wishing for an app named "Sayang." Each time I miss you, I could open the app. It would accompany me like you did and text me the way you did. But I couldn’t find the app, and I continue longing. I want to sleep. Can we meet in a dream?
Tsim Sha Tsui, Hong Kong
August 16, 2024 / 2:09 am
Wednesday, August 14, 2024
Plane crash
In the recent plane crash in São Paulo, Brazil, 8 oncologists were among the fatalities. The group was en route to a conference hosted by the Brazilian Bone Marrow Organization. Out of the 15 oncologists scheduled to attend, 7 had taken an earlier flight and were not on the ill-fated aircraft.
Kopi
Kataku,kopi di campur garam itu enak, lemakseperti diriku.Jeda"Abang masin dan pahit?" balasnya lembutaku ketawa kegirangantak menyangka itu detik terakhir perbualan.Sha Tin, Hong Kong15 Ogos 2024 / 3:48 pagi
Cerita lewat malam
Pukul 10 malam, masa untuk tidur. Luqman, Raysha, Daneal, Hasha kembar 4. Dalam dunia ini ada kembar normal - seiras dan tak seiras. Kalau kembar bercantum kita panggil kembar siam. Ramai orang tak tahu ada kembar parasit. Kembar parasit yang terkenal ialah Jean Libbera. Kembar Jean bernama Jacques tapi Jacques tak ada kepala dan anggota badan. Dia hanya ada 2 kaki dan 2 tangan kerana dia melekat pada badan Jean. Dia bergantung sepenuhnya kepada Jean untuk terus hidup.
_
Selamat malam, kembar. Kembar tidur, daddy nak cari fail. Mana tahu kalau ada rezeki jumpa semula fail daddy yang hilang. Kalau Ibu merajuk lama, daddy berhenti kerja jaga kembar. Jadi kembar tak perlu travel jauh. Penat kan, travel? Kita pindah luar bandar, cari rumah dalam hutan dan hidup seadanya. Daddy tak nak susahkan Ibu. Ibu nak kerja. Dua bulan sekali kita balik lawat Ibu. Asalkan daddy tak berpisah dengan kembar. Itu saja pilihan yang daddy ada dan itulah pilihan terbaik yang daddy mampu buat.
July 11
I don't know where to start. Maybe I've just realized something. I'm sorry that I didn't understand you didn't like the idea of me doing something to have you in my life. Actually, I did some research about your work abroad so we wouldn't have any arguments about it like we did in the past. I looked into the requirements, experiences, skills, and so on. I wanted to talk to my wife about us, but I couldn't find the right time.
I'm sorry if, in these past six months, I've destroyed your peace of mind with my behavior. I know it's been hard for you to cope with my attitude. It's not your fault; it's mine. It's my internal conflict and constant "mind talking" that always shifts my mood. My head is always having a "conference," and it's hard to stop. It constantly reminds me of everything. I'm sorry if, in these six months, I have burdened you. I am truly sorry.
I’ve started to love staying here. In fact, this is the longest "holiday" I've ever spent here. I used to stay around 7-10 days only, but this time I had a reason to stay a bit longer—to see you from a distance, to see where you work, to admire you from my car window, thinking about how life would feel if I could be near you, embrace you, hold your hand, and taste your sweet lips. You are all I want in this life. Nothing compares to your existence.
I am sorry that I have this feeling of wanting you in my life, even though I have been defeated again and again. I know I won't be your choice. You have your reasons, and that is not your fault. I feel ashamed for wanting you more and more. I should know where I stand, but I always forget. Hope is sometimes a terrible thing. We chain ourselves to something uncertain. Hope is something too big for us. I also want to stop hoping.
I have been happy, sad, depressed, and struggling in these past six months, but I do smile a lot reading your texts or talking to you. I used to climb to the rooftop just to have a phone call with you. On the rooftop, the atmosphere is quiet. I can listen to your melodious voice without any disruption. That is why you hear the birds chirping. I would climb again and again just to have a chance to hear your voice. It’s a beautiful memory to remember.
I miss your lap to lay on and your shoulder to lean on. When I was in Goa, you asked me who I leaned on for my strength. Back then, it was you. When you left, I had nobody to turn to. I learned to rely on myself, but relying on oneself without anybody feels so draining. We need to learn to rely only on God, and it is not an easy task either. Life has its ups and downs, but the best moments and the best person I shared them with were you.
I have written too much. Sorry for wasting your time reading my scattered thoughts. I just wanted to say goodbye. I will be leaving tomorrow for Mumbai. I will fly to Costa Rica on July 13. The kids start school on July 15. Well, you asked how long I would be here, so here is the farewell. Perhaps this is my last email. I want to take pride in my dignity and no longer seek anything from you. I feel ashamed for having begged. A man shouldn’t beg for love.
I feel so ashamed. I'm sorry that I loved you too intensely and didn't know how to love you properly. I often misunderstood you or caused you to misunderstand me. In truth, I failed at loving you. I have nothing to offer other than my heart and a willing ear to listen to you. I have loved you in the wrong way, and still to this day, I can't seem to make it right. We continue to argue, and misunderstandings persist between us.
I should stop writing, and I feel sad because it’s like I need to hang up the phone. I am sorry that I wasted your time 16 years ago. No amount of apologies could repay your time. I am sorry for hurting you in any way. I am sorry for any harsh words that wounded your soul. Thank you for being my lover, my companion, my advisor, my confidant. Thank you for being my everything. I know what love feels like because of you. It drives me to madness.
I am so lonely without you… each poem I read, each love song I listen to, always makes me think of you. I have a lot of questions to ask, but when we are on the phone, I become clueless and forget everything. I just focus on your voice and forget what was on my mind. Can I kiss your forehead before I go? Goodbye, my first love. I'll always love you and never know why. Missing you in silence has tortured my heart each passing day.
July 11, 2024
The only one
"In the most selfish way possible, I want to be the only one who has your heart. I want to be the one who understands it completely, the one who holds it close. I don't want anyone else to feel your touch or experience the warmth of your presence. I don't want anyone else to kiss your lips or taste the sweetness that I cherish. I want to be the one who kisses you goodnight and wakes up with you each morning. I want to be the reason you smile, to see the light in your eyes from the smallest things that make you happy. I want to be the one who brings you happiness and makes you laugh until you cry. I want us to be in the same book and to end in the same chapter. I want to be your last everything. In the most selfish way possible, I want all of you forever."
— Unknown
Monday, August 12, 2024
Do I really want you?
Do I really want you? I showed clear signs to you even though you didn't like it. I spent hours with you, giving you my time and attention, and I know that is absolutely not enough. Our longing isn't just longing; it is more than that. You long for physical intimacy as much as I long for your body. Yes, that is what our longing means, at least for me. You want me as much as I want you in bed, swirling, creating a dance of love without words, leaving marks and bruises all over our bodies from midnight to dawn. This feeling makes it hard for us to even breathe. It’s like adding fuel to the fire.
The question is, what are we going to do now? My marriage is at the breaking point. Maybe your marriage is too. Do we really want to leave our partners and start a new life? Honestly, I don't know. I have a lot on my mind and can't think clearly. Is this the chance we've been waiting for? Is this what we want? Is this the starting line of our new relationship? I can't figure it out. I am thinking more than twice about leaving my wife. I know you will think a million times before asking for a divorce. We began this love affair and ended up like this. We didn't cover our tracks well enough, and now the cat's out of the bag.
I want you, even though I am so terrified to have you, and you know the reason. You can keep questioning me over and over again. I'm used to it. I don't even get angry about that anymore. I thought when we stopped contacting, it would be over, but it is not, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to build a new relationship after breaking my wife's heart. I want to seek her blessing. Really, I do. I always intended to tell her about us. I want her to know that I am trying to regain my past with you. This is not just a chance; it is the start of a bigger disaster if we don't control the damage.
A note in the departure room
Hmm
Selamat sampai. Tiba-tiba sakit tekak. Rasa nak demam. Telan dua biji panadol. Luqman menangis tanpa henti. Check suhu. Tinggi. Badan panas. Demam. Dalam penerbangan tadi dia meragam. Berdiri, dukung barulah dia lena tidur. Sampai hotel, buka phone. Ada mesej dari Ara. Mesej forward “Beware of homewreckers. Don’t fall victim.” Semua orang sudah terima mesej. Ada panggilan masuk dari Makcik Siti. Telefon, makcik tanya "Kamu ngape? Demo kabor dalam wassap kamu kaco rumoh tangga Ocio.". Hmm… Tak terang apa pun. Malas.
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