Per aspera ad astra

It's 4:54 am, and I just reread my dissertation before submitting it at the end of next month. I went through it again, making edits, adding new citations, deleting unnecessary parts here and there until I felt it was apple of my eye and ready to submit. 

She has a symposium this Thursday. It's a good kickstart to learn new things, discover new opportunities, meet new people, listen to new ideas, get involved in new committees, and feel good about herself for doing something extra for herself on that day.

People can't take your character, your charisma, your knowledge, your dreams, or your health. Build something that people can't take from you. As the saying goes, 'Rome wasn't built in a day.' You can soar higher, my dear, if you believe you can do it.

Hahaha

"Kenapa perlu setia kalau boleh mendua hahaha"

"Tak lucu pun"

"Kenapa marah? Ada masalah apa tu?"

"Abang sedar tak Ara marah?"

"Ye, tahu"

"Astu?"

"As three?"

"Abang!"

"Jom balik rumah kita nak? Lepas gaduh kita bikin romantis hehe"

"Tak kuasa la"

"Kuasa berapa? 2? 3?"

"Abangggg!"

"Ara nak apa? Nak abang? Jommm!"

"Tak nakkk"

_

"Keluar dah torchlight dia"

"Ara nak tengok mata abang"

"Mana ada ambil barang"

"Astu happy sangat dah kenapa?"

"Happy pun salah"

"Abang cakap betul-betul"

"Betul la"

"Let's do a urine test"

"Tak nak"

"Kenapa?"

"Kita tak nak urine test. Urine test awak positif kita nak la hahaha. Yasha sedap, kan?"

"Tangan"

"Tak ada cucuk. Cucuk awak boleh tak hehe?"

"Abanggg!"

"Ha apa?"

"Urine test"

"Test la. Sendiri cari hahahaha"

"Abangggg!"

"Tidur la cik adik. Apa bising-bising. Mesti lapar, kan? Tapi abang tak rajin masak. Ha tidur"

Rama-rama

"Rama-rama dekat mana?"

"Dekat leher"

Jun 30, 2024

_

Whatever happens tomorrow, we've had today.

Conflict with Ara

After ending the call, I got into a fight with Ara, but it didn't last long—only around 5 or 7 minutes. When I received a text saying "Abang abang" at 9:41 pm, I acted like nothing happened. 

Ara and I have been at odds since yesterday. She questioned my loyalty because I refuse(d to swear, and she was angry that I went to Cheras yesterday and Kajang Utama today. 

I also changed the language on my phone so she couldn't use it, which made her furious as if there was no tomorrow. She can rebel, so why can't I? As they say, "All's fair in love and war."

My heartbeat

"أنت نبض قلبي وسر أفكاري، بك كل الحياة تزدهر."

"You are the heartbeat of my heart and the secret of my thoughts, with you all of life flourishes."

أنا سعيد

Taman Kajang Utama, Kajang

30-06-2024 / 5:50 pm

Menonton teater

Semalam menonton pementasan Teater Perdana Haji Murat bersempena dengan Sambutan Ulang Tahun ke 68 DBP. Teater ini di pentaskan di Balai Budaya Tun Syed Nasir, Wisma Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka Malaysia (DBP) bermula 26 Jun selama empat hari. Leo Tolstoy atau Lev Tolstoy merupakan sasterawan dunia yang terkenal dengan karya-karyanya yang berpengaruh seperti War and Peace, Anna Karenina, Resurrection, dan The Death of Ivan Ilyich. 

Novel epik Leo Tolstoy ini mengisahkan tentang sosok seorang pejuang Chechen yang bernama Haji Murat. Beliau merupakan seorang pemimpin yang karismatik dan di hormati baik oleh orang Chechen maupun Rusia. Beliau berjuang untuk kebebasan melawan regim di bawah kekuasaan Tsar Nicholas I untuk memartabat bangsanya, namun terjebak dalam konflik politik yang rumit di wilayah Kaukasus pada abad ke-19. Ia suatu kisah yang dramatik. 

Saya sekeluarga menikmati pementasan ini. Susun atur latarnya cantik, lantunan suara jelas (walaupun pemegang peran utama seakan sudah serak suaranya), pencahayaan juga memuaskan. Pelakon- pelakonnya berjaya menjiwai watak dengan begitu mengesankan sekali. Pementasan ini mengangkat tema pengkhianatan, kebebasan dan konflik antara budaya. Haji Murat merupakan karya terakhir Leo Tolstoy. Beliau meninggal dunia pada tahun 1910 di usia 82 tahun. 

Sri Hartamas, KL

30-06-2024

Spy

"Abang nak tanya, Ara ada buat call forwarding dekat phone abang?"

"Mmm…ada"

"Tracker dah letak. Yang tu pun buat jugak?"

"Ha'a"

"Tak baik spy orang"

"Spy suami sendiri"

"Abang nak username log call boleh?"

"Pelik"

"Nak check je. Ada log call keluar masuk, kan?"

"Ha'a"

"Hmm"

"Kenapa tiba-tiba abang tanya?"

"Tak baik la buat suami macam tu"

"Kalau tak buat salah tak perlu takut"

"Tapi spy orang tak boleh, kan? Salah"

"Tak pun"

"Ara rasa abang ada orang lain ke?"

"Abang ada orang lain ke?"

"Tak"

"Sumpah?"

"…....."

"Wallahi?"

"………"

"Sumpah abang tak ada orang lain?"

My lady

"O breeze, if you pass by the land of the beloved, convey my greetings; For the morning breeze has reminded me of her, and the evening breeze has reminded me of her." — Qais ibn al-Mulawwah

Bandar Tun Hussein Onn, Cheras

29-06-2024, 5.10 pm

Hospital

"Abang tak nak pergi"

"Not this time. Abang mesti pergi"

"Sakit dada je. Tak tidur kot. Memang dah lama sakit kepala"

"Berbulan dah, abang"

"Abang tak sedia nak hadap apa doktor cakap. Kalau abang sakit pun, abang tak nak tahu sakit apa"

"Abang tak makan, tidur lagilah. Depression abang makin teruk. Abang sedar tak?"

"Yela abang makan banyak lepas ni. Abang tidur 6 jam, abang tak stres. Abang janji tapi jangan suruh pergi hospital"

"Abang tak ada pilihan"

29-06-2024

It's 3:00 am

It's 3:00 am and I can't sleep. Today is the 13th day I haven't slept. My back hurts, my waist feels pain, and I have a headache. I am too tired. I want to sleep, I try to sleep, but I can't. My mind keeps thinking non-stop even when I go to bed. I feel like I am awake but asleep, or asleep but awake. Do you know what I mean?

And... I feel lonely... I miss her.

I didn't pray tonight. I didn't recite the Quran. I didn't work. I just stare at the ceiling.

Ibn al-Qayyim

Ibn al-Qayyim رحمه الله said:

"Be pleased with everything that Allāh does with you. For indeed He does not prevent you except to give you. He does not test you except to protect and save you. He does not give you ill health except to cure you. He does not give you death except to give life to you.

So beware of not being pleased with Him even for the blink of an eye. Such that you fall in His eye."

[Madārij as-Sālikīn | 2/208]

Penjuru hati

"Nak lari jauh jauh boleh tak..."

"Jauh hingga hujung benua?"

"Jauh...tempat paling terpencil...Takde orang boleh jumpa..."

"Dekat mana tu?"

"Kat penjuru hati abang..Ada ruang tak? Saya nak menyorok situ..."

Jun 18, 2024

I miss her even more

Well Ummi, I have a regret. I had some free time last night, but I didn't call her because I was too sad being on this island. I wanted to call her this morning, but Ara was around me. Ara has been seasick since we chartered the yacht, and I forgot to bring seasickness medication.

I planned to call her this evening, thinking she would be home by 5 pm. After Friday prayers, I checked my apps and saw that she was in trouble. I couldn't sit still, and all I could think about was whether she got caught. I sent her an email asking what happened.

She replied, "Hmm...tak boleh call dah...tak boleh dengar suara dah." When I asked if she got caught, she answered, "Entah eh...saya pun tak tau." It broke my heart. I was very sad, but I needed to stay calm. I kept reciting dua, hoping that nothing serious would happen to her.

If she didn't get caught by her husband and just wants to distance herself from me, that's fine as long as no one finds out what she's doing. She knows it's wrong, but she intends to end it. I believe Allah knows her intentions and will show her mercy. Allah is Ar-Raheem.

No more calls... I'll be sad. I used to climb to the rooftop to call her because it was the safest place in my house. I would also call her in the bathroom, pretending to take a shower so Ara wouldn't catch me cheating. Cheating takes a lot of energy, but I can't stop myself from wanting her.

Will this all just become a memory now? I would climb to the rooftop, even though I nearly slipped and fell a few times. It's midnight, Ummi. The atmosphere is so dark, and my eyes can't see clearly. I'll miss the bird chirping when we start our conversations. She likes the bird chirping.

She said she can't call me because she uninstalled the app. Maybe she doesn't want to tell the truth. Maybe not now. It's okay. I'll wait quietly for another chance to hear her voice. I hope I'll get to listen to my favorite sound once again someday. Her voice is like a love song to my ears.

I miss her even more…

Krabi International Airport

28 June 2024

Reda dengan takdir

"Abang fikir apa? Menung je"

"Tengok budak main"

"Really?"

"Malam ni abang kerja. Empat client dah setuju beli. Nak sign agreement"

"Tahniah, abang!"

"Ara jangan risau. Abang okey"

"Tak baik tau tipu-tipu bini"

"Kenapa orang suka datang sini?"

"Famous. Mesti la semua orang nak datang"

"Macam ais krim, tak ada sijil halal pun orang beli"

"Jangan ingatkan kitaaa. Abang ni"

"Sabtu malam dah tempah? Malam penting tu. Jangan lupa"

"Dahhh"

"Laju"

"Abang…it hurts to just sit around and wonder what she's doing here, right?"

"Yang paling susah, yang paling berat…menerima takdir. Reda dengan Qada dan Qadar yang Allah tulis untuk kita, kan? Yang tak perlukan duit untuk Fi sabilillah, tak perlukan pedang untuk berjihad, tak perlukan apa-apa kecuali hati…yang tabah untuk teruskan kehidupan…"

"Sabarlah, abang. Ara tahu abang kuat"

"Ara, bacakan abang satu ayat Quran yang Ara suka"

"Dan berapa banyak dari Nabi-nabi (dahulu) telah berperang dengan disertai oleh ramai orang-orang yang taat kepada Allah, maka mereka tidak merasa lemah semangat akan apa yang telah menimpa mereka pada jalan (agama) Allah dan mereka juga tidak lemah tenaga dan tidak pula mahu tunduk (kepada musuh). Dan (ingatlah), Allah sentiasa mengasihi orang-orang yang sabar. Surah Ali Imran ayat 146"

"Terima kasih, Ara"

Krabi, Thailand

27-06-2024

Menambah luka

Jika kita menyayangi seseorang dan kita pergi meninggalkannya, janganlah datang kembali.

Tidak di ragukan, ada bahagia yang bersulam saat kita bersatu tapi lebih banyak air mata.

Biarkanlah dia sendiri, dia pasti tahu cara untuk merawat luka tanpa kehadiran kita.

Kehadiran kita tak akan mengubah apa-apa melainkan menambah luka yang sedia ada.

Krabi, Thailand

27062024

Gone with the Wind

Photo credit: Unknown

Krabi

32° feels like 41°

Someone

May you find someone who texts you in the middle of a busy day not only when they’re free.

May you find someone who calls you beautiful even when you don’t feel that yourself.

May you find someone who calls you when they are around people not only when they are lonely.

May you find someone who pushes you to be better even if you’ll be better than them.

May you find someone who sees you the best person even in your lowest states.

May you find someone who loves you in all your phases and moods.

May you get loved the way you’ve always wanted.

(Unknown)

Moving forward

Sometimes, even if it's difficult — even if it's something you're not used to doing — the leftover matches you once used to light their paths are what remains to burn the bridges.

(Unknown)

The power of love

Love is a beautiful and powerful emotion that touches the depths of our souls. It is the ultimate force that brings two individuals together, despite all odds and obstacles. Love lifts us up, carries us through the darkest times in life, and makes us feel like we can conquer the world.

It is a feeling that transcends time and space, knowing no boundaries or limitations. It is what makes life worth living and gives us a reason to wake up each day. Love is a divine gift that we should cherish and nurture with care, for it has the power to heal, transform, and renew us.

Whether it's the love between two individuals, the love of family and friends, or the love of a higher power, it is a powerful and essential force that we all need in our lives. Let's celebrate love, cherish it, and spread it wherever we go, for it is the most beautiful and precious thing in this world.

April 19, 2023 / 3:03 pm

Kod rahsia Netflix

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Kredit: Michelle Souza Tudella

I love you, always...

I'm sorry I didn't pick up your call. I feel weak, and I don't want you to hear my voice. I don't want to tell you that I'm not feeling well. Maybe old memories bring nostalgia to my mind. I don't want to feel abandoned like before. Keeping silent always seems like the best thing to do. I don't want to ruin anything.

I can see you trying to fix yourself. You don't know that I love you completely without wanting you to change anything. You are perfect just the way you are. You are beautiful, smart, kind, and the universe loves you. I am not permanent in your life; I am not your destiny, but at least I knew you.

Maybe I didn't receive the best love from you, and I know I don't deserve it, but I feel blessed to love someone as amazing as you. I had so much love for you, but sadly, you are not written for me. You are not mine to keep. I can't sleep beside you at night. You are not the first person I see when I wake up.

You are far, far away from me, and that's okay. I want to write more, but I'm too tired.

I love you, always...

May 25, 2024

Si manis

"Sayang laki tak boleh ada abang dalam hidup awak"

"No"

"Abang tak nak contact saya dah ke?"

"Abang tak cakap apa pun"

"Kenapa Tuhan temukan kita tapi tak berjodoh?"

"Entah apa Dia nak ajar. Kalau tak berjodoh, (hilangkan?) rasa ni"

"Abang nak surrender?"

"Masa makin sikit. Tekanan makin tinggi"

"Kalau tak surrender tak boleh?"

Panggilan telefon

16 Mei 2024

Boikot

"Kita anxiety sana sini kacau laki orang. Laki kita dah acam semut. Pergi mana orang suka kerumun"

"Haha ingat abang gula ke apa"

"Acam risau laki kena sondol"

"Siapa je nak laki awak. Hari raya kena tinggal. Ara je nak"

"Kena tinggal tak apa, bang. Yang penting duit"

"Eh dia"

"Influencer kan show off duit raya laki masing-masing bagi astu Tila sibuk aje tanya abang bagi kita berapa"

"Semua habis dia nak tahu"

"Itu la pasal"

"Ara nak beli handbag ke?"

"Kita dah boikot sejak kes saman. Duit kita tak laku"

"Dah hilang satu customer"

"Abang ingat tak? Tahun lepas kita tak dapat beli? Berapi tau hati kita"

"Tak cantik design tu. Tak rugi pun"

"Mmm sedih la"

"Ara pakai apa pun cantik kalau dah orangnya cantik"

"Maceh. Sejuk hati kita"

"Bonda dengan Nenda boikot sama?"

"Semua kita ajak boikot hihi"

"Power!"

"Sian buaya. Habis kulit dia kena potong buat beg. Sakit tau. Abang tahu tak? Kejam la dia orang"

Panggilan telefon

14-04-2024

Lelaki pilihan syurga

"Sayang la Lotus ni tak pandai manage. Dulu ada Hang Jebat, Hang Tuah 5 saudara. Sekarang ada Emira, Evora, Eletre. Abang minat Emira. Lawa"

"Mula-mula kita acam "Lotus supermarket ke?". Cilap. Kereta rupanya"

"Kereta la"

"Astu cakap la kereta. Abang cakap Lotus. Perempuan fikir Tesco"

"Macam kaki Tesco sangat. Barang dapur laki beli, barang basah laki jugak"

"Lelaki pilihan syurga hihi"

Jun 19, 2024

Merelakan

"Kalau satu hari nanti abang tak boleh lagi berhubung, can you let me go?"

"I dont have a choice...kan?"

"Haah"

"Tak ada pilihan, nak tak nak, kena jugak...sooner or later....i still have to face it..."

"Yup"

June 26, 2024

____

Yang paling berat dalam dunia ini adalah merelakan.

November 13, 2023 / 7:07pm

My secret affair

"Because it hurts deeply when you say we are nothing"

What are we actually? Should I call you my secret affair or my fabulous scandal? I won’t call you that because you were once my lover and still are precious to me. You are the most important person in my life. You don’t want to name us. You said it’s not important. Did we start dating each other again? No, we just continued our relationship that broke down in June 2014, a decade ago. Is that correct? It is, isn’t it? So now we agree we have a relationship.

"I feel worthless. I feel pointless"

This is the new you. When I left you, this feeling never appeared in you. It’s now like a new best friend. Why do you always feel worthless? Did you ever feel like this during our relationship a decade ago? As far as I remember, no. Who makes you feel worthless when I always treated you like a trillion-dollar diamond?

"You can’t call me a friend either"

I won’t address you as my friend. You are not my friend. You are my everything.

"Yet I still can’t let this go"

Neither can I, my dear.

June 18, 2024

I'm just a loser

"We both have our regrets....we both have fault...yet after all these years...despite having our own people...no one, nothing could dismiss our longing for each other...

I deeply wish to have a life with you... Is there a difference between a wish and a hope? I wish for it, but I'm not hopeful...am I a hypocrite for feeling so? Its difficult to explain...but all I know is that, I wish for it, but I dont dare to ask for it...not from you...not from the Almighty...

I love you, from the bottom of my heart...I miss you with every cell in me...

I m sorry....I m just ranting...I m not making sense..."

_

Thank you for being honest with me. I won't ask you for anything. You already have a good life to share with a perfect partner. The best man wins. I don't deserve you. I'm just a loser. 

 

If you decide to leave me next time, I will try not to hold you back like I did before. This time, I will let you go—forever. I will always love you as I always have. I will always wish you the best.

Maybe this is the right time to stop begging the Almighty for something that isn't meant for me. I will try to let it all go. I will try to be tough. I will try to move on. I will try to live a better life.

Hat Yai International Airport

26-06-2024, 8:13 pm

Mencintaimu…

"Tak pernah pun tunjuk"

"Alah benda buruk je"

"Sekarang dah berapa hari abang sayang Ara?"

"2,743 rasanya. Kalau tak salah"

"Mmm lama tak, bang?"

"7 tahun, 4 bulan, 8 hari, 3,943,920 minit. Eh betul ke? hahaha"

*peluk*

"Peluk kuat sikit"

(tt)

Hurtful words

Take care with your words. There was a time when someone said something harsh to a person I love. The words were so sharp that they cut deeply, even though they weren't directed at me. I was just there listening to their conversation, and I still remember it to this day. I really hate that person and can't even stand to see his face.

It suddenly popped into my head...

Monster

"Tiger, you good?"

"Okey"

"Abang mengantuk? Mata merah"

"Monster"

"Dah berapa hari?"

"4/5 hari"

"Jangan marah, jangan pukul orang okey?"

"Okey"

"Promise?"

"Tak boleh janji"

Ambil berat

"Tolong tanya Zara, Hana okey tak. Abang teringat dia"

"Tak kuasa eh. Skandal dia suruh kita. Apahal"

"Abang mesej nanti panjang jadinya"

"Astu Zaza boleh je"

"Ara seru-seru dia datang balik tapi abang tak reply"

"Kita tak tanya pun"

"Boleh tolong ke tak?"

"Malassss"

"Macam la Ocio tak ada nak tolong"

"Ambil berat nampak"

"Ara jangan mula"

"Abang yang cari gaduh"

"Abang minta tolong je"

"Gatal"

"Nak tolong garu telor? Boleh jugak"

"Eeeee!" *baling bantal*

"Orang offer tak nak. Tak nak sudah"

24-06-2024

Hana

You cross my mind a few times. Are you okay? How's your work? You weren't in nanotechnologies or robotics (I was wrong; who was in this field?). You were in O&G. Please wear your yellow suit (isn't it yellow?)—I don't want you to get burned if you work offshore.

There's not much else to say. I hope you are okay and living a good life. I was browsing books and found a novel, "Fight Club" by Chuck Palahniuk, and I remembered you.

Hana, thank you for always supporting me when I was hopeless. You are indeed a good friend. I'm sorry that I often scolded you and hurt your feelings.

I know I'm not a good person. I didn't even know your full name.

Take care, Hana.

24-06-2024

Mengenang masa silam

"Kita akan sama-sama lebih derita. Saya tak mahu awak habiskan seluruh usia awak mengenangkan saya. Mengenangkan kasih sayang kita. Ada banyak perkara yang kita harap kita boleh ubah tapi kita tak mampu nak ubah apa-apa. Kita cuma mampu menulis di atas kertas segala yang kita mahu. Tapi, bukan semua yang kita mahu kita akan dapat.

Banyak perkara yang kita mahu dan kita tak dapat."

Ogos 2013, Krabi

Pisey

Raysha: Daddy, daddy

Daddy: Raysha nak apa?

Raysha: Daddy makan

Daddy: Nak makan apa?   Berry?

Raysha: Tak nak

Daddy: Pisang?

Raysha: Tak nak

Daddy: Selalu makan je

Ibu: Lily nok pisey dok?

Raysha: Nok!

Daddy: Laa hahaha adoi. Pisey eh. Okey, okey

Senyum sikit

"Ara okey?"

"Okey"

"Mood okey?"

"Okey"

"Mental health okey?"

"Okey"

"Fizikal okey?"

"Penat…"

"Penat travel ke penat jaga anak?"

"Jaga anak…"

"Ara nak abang buat apa untuk ringankan beban Ara? Tambah lagi dua babysitter?"

"………"

"Nak kerja tahun depan? Kalau nak, cakap dengan abang. Abang nak cari tempat sesuai. Nanti duduk cottage susah nak pergi kerja. Abang nak sediakan environment yang baik untuk Ara. Anak tak apa, abang boleh jaga. Lagipun budak dah besar"

"Abang nak buka taska ke apa? Banyak nau  babysitter"

"Satu anak satu pengasuh"

"Ara pandai beranak, Ara pandai jaga anak"

"Kerja?"

"Tak kot"

"Abang orang business. Abang tak tahu selok-belok dunia lain kalau tak ada orang fahamkan abang. Abang tahu buat duit, cari duit. Kalau ada peluang Ara boleh tempatkan diri, Ara nak ambil peluang, I will always support you. I won't clip your wings. You can fly even higher than me. I won't feel insecure with you. I will do whatever it takes to help you grow and achieve your goals"

"Thank you so much, abang"

"Abang tak nak masalah kerja jadi masalah antara kita"

"Ajak kita dating astu serius je. Cenyum cikit"

23-06-2024

A poem for you

هرگز از یاد تو نخواهم رفت

عشق تو در دل من خواهد ماند

دل مرا تو چون آتشی افروختی

شعله‌ها تا ابد در من خواهد سوخت

در غم و شادی همراه تو خواهم بود

در هر لحظه تو را همدم خواهم 

داشتتو چو خورشید درخشان جهانی

نور تو تا ابد در دل من خواهد تابید

Translation:

I will never forget you

Your love will remain in my heart

You have kindled a fire in my heart

The flames will forever burn within me

In sorrow and in joy, I will be with you

In every moment, I will have you as my companion

You are like a radiant sun in this world

Your light will forever shine in my heart.

_____

Saying fewer words won't hurt you, so I'll just send you a poem.

Destiny or Love?

We fall in love many times in our lives. Sometimes, love stays, but people leave. Not everybody with whom we dream of spending the rest of our lives will stay forever.

Nothing comes easy to us and love definitely tops that list. It is said that those who are in our destiny, we meet them eventually but what makes all the difference is how hard we work to make them stay.

A relationship is never perfect because humans are not perfect either. We are a cosmos of imperfections and flaws, but those who look beyond our flaws and make us fall in love with our imperfections are the ones that truly love us.

You don’t meet someone and instantly call them your soulmate. You get to know them first. You learn about things that keep them awake at night and get excited every time they call.

You laugh and cry with them. They make you feel warm and loved. They understand you. You try to be patient with them.

You don’t ask them questions. But listen to them when they talk about things that hurt them. You both let each other see your vulnerable selves and feel liberated.

You don’t run away when you both have an argument. Yes, you get mad and need some space but after some time, you try to talk and understand each other.

When things get tough, you don’t leave, but stick with each other through thick and thin. you work hard in building a relationship and trust each other.

(Unknown)

Duduk sebelah pun rindu

"Ara ni kan. Time abang meeting la nak send macam-macam. Nak jalan gedik-gedik, pusing-pusing. Waktu lain elok je"

"Kita buka FB astu jumpa video ni astu rindu astu jumpa video lagi astu ingat New York abang bagi kita bunga. Ada orang kasi acam tu ke? Persoalan kejab"

"Abang minta dengan waiter masa konon nak pergi tandas. Dia orang beria "good luck" ingat abang nak melamar Ara"

"Kita faham kita kekal cantik hihi"

"Rajin betul la kacau orang"

"Kita buka aje, semua video ingat abang. Duduk cebelah pun rindu tau"

26-06-2024

Kangen Dhewe

Saklawase tresna tanpa pamrih.

Catatan pinggiran

Perjalanan kali ini tidak di susun - barangkali saya malas dan tak punya semangat untuk merancang percutian dan isteri pun seperti biasa - tidak masuk campur malah membiarkan saja perjalanan yang tidak teratur ini. Hari ini saya ke Narathiwat. Tak punya banyak perancangan - hanya ingin melawat Narathiwat City Museum dan Museum of Islamic Cultural Heritage and Quran Learning Centre. Tak berani berjalan-jalan di Narathiwat. Daerah ini agak berbahaya berbanding Pattani dan Yala. Kalau bukan kerana ingin melihat manuskrip lama tentu saya tidak ke sini. Esok, selepas melawat muzium, saya akan bergerak ke Songkhla - menginap dua hari sebelum bergerak ke Krabi.

Saya melihat anak-anak semakin membesar. Tumbuh menjadi remaja yang aktif - masih suka bertanya, masih suka meneroka, masih inginkan jawapan kepada banyak persoalan. Dan saya, seperti biasa menjawab setiap soalan dengan tenang dan penuh hikmah - dari persoalan sejarah, geografi, geopolitik, keagamaan, seni dan budaya. Saya masih bercerita tentang apa yang saya tahu. Setiap ibu bapa merupakan sumber maklumat pertama anak-anak. Mereka juga tidak takut-takut melontarkan pandangan - jika salah saya betulkan. Jika bertentangan - saya raikan. Anak-anak juga sudah punya pandangan sendiri. Dunia ini tidak bersifat binari dan tentulah pandangan kita selalu berbeza.

Malam tadi kami tidak ke mana-mana. Berehat di resort, berbual dan memandang langit. Hari ini ada lintasan ISS (International Space Station). Saya selalu mengajak anak-anak melihat langit di waktu malam - mengira bintang, melihat buruj dan memandang bulan. Ada kalanya saya rindukan Ummi yang suka melihat bintang - berbaring di luar kawasan rumah, memandang ke langit dan berbual tentang banyak perkara. Saya rindukan momen-momen kecil ini - ia tak akan kembali lagi. Saya tahu Ummi tak akan melihat saya dari atas sana - tetap saya seperti anak kecil berharap sang ibu akan merenung saya dari balik awan seperti dalam kisah dongeng. Dalam pelukan seorang ibu, ada kehangatan yang tak tergantikan.

Agaknya, ketika menginjak usia tua kita akan selalu mengenang nostalgia lama. Kita mengenang zaman silam ketika kita belum faham erti kerasnya dunia. Dunia ini sangat keras kata Ummi. Kita harus perlu bertahan - pesannya lagi. Membesar tanpa ibu dan ayah bukanlah suatu hal yang mudah. Saya tak pernah tahu nikmatnya hidup memiliki keluarga - tapi saya tahu orang yang kasihkan kita tidak akan mengabaikan kita. Hidup ini tentang menyayangi dan di sayangi orang lain. Hidup ini tidak lama - sebentar saja. Tiba-tiba kita sudah tua. Kata orang bijaksana, "Hidup adalah tentang perjalanan, bukan tujuan akhir. Nikmati prosesnya dan belajarlah dari setiap langkah yang diambil."

Narathiwat, Thailand

25 Jun 2024

Perangkap hati

"Cantik bulan"

"Bulan mana satu?"

"Bulan ada satu je"

"Ye ke?"

"Ye"

"Abang nak cakap apa dekat bulan malam ni?"

"Tak ada apa"

"Belanja ayat manis satu, bang"

"Kejab buka ColorNote*"

"Itu untuk kita ke untuk bulan?"

"Pandai peguam ni. Pandai perangkap orang, pandai perangkap hati orang"

*تسکین محبت کے صرف دو ہی طریقے تھے یا دل نہ بنا ہوتا یا تم نہ بنے ہوتے۔

Translation:

In the realm of love, solace could only be found through two paths: either the heart had never been crafted, or you had never existed.

23-06-2024

Melayu mudah lups

"Abang dah lupa banyak benda tapi sekarang abang ingat…teruk betul perangai abang dulu. Sebab tu, Tuhan tak bagi apa abang nak. Abang tak layak…"

"Macam mana boleh ingat?"

"Dah teringat…"

"Sedih betul hidup abang"

"Haah"

"Kenapa mesti sedih?"

"Kita hancurkan harapan orang…Tuhan hancurkan harapan kita…tapi kita lupa apa yang kita pernah buat…"

"Abang selalu cakap, Allah yang atur hidup kita. Abang lupa?"

"Tak…"

"Macam abang selalu cakap, hidup ni sementara je. Tak payah stres astu sekarang stres"

"Semua petik ayat abang" "Melayu kan mudah lupa, macam abang. Kita Patani hihihi"

23-06-2024

Kb

"I just...dont want to lose you again....Melampau ke saya ni?"

"Tak"

"I cant get "the whole you"... I m ok with just a small piece....."

"Small piece macam dapat kb je kan hahaha"

"Kb tu the best piece tau"

"Haah hahaha"

"Good night abang..."

"Selamat malam kekasih"

Jun 19, 2024

_

I pasted this conversation during a meeting, which lifted my spirits as usual. I didn't sleep last night. She suffered from dizziness and vomiting from 1:34 am to 4:09 am. Today, she has diarrhea and went to bed early. I hope she will recover soon.

To face reality

أحلام تتلاشى كالغيوم في الريح

Dreams fading away like clouds in the wind.

Teruk

"Saya teruk betul ya..."

Tak…abang yang teruk. Teruk sangat…

_

أحبك ولكني لا أستطيع أن أك معك

I love you but I can't be  with you.

Catatan pinggiran

Hari ini tak dapat melawat Museum of CPM History (Muzium Sejarah Parti Komunis) di Chulabhorn Peace Village 10 kerana sakit dada. Esok Ara tak mahu ikut. Dia nak berehat. Bonda dan Baba datang. Hans pun ada. Madu Bonda pun ada.

Mungkin esok pergi dengan anak-anak saja - Unar dan Adam. Huda…hmm masih tak mahu bercakap.

Hope

I’m reading her email, but not the screenshots. There are a few from her personal blog (she has several). They were all about hope—the hope I consistently shattered. It’s not her fault if she doesn’t believe in me. I won’t give her any false hope. I won’t discuss ‘us.’ I want to talk about anything else. I’ve destroyed her dreams, our dreams, too many times. She’s a smart woman who learns from her mistakes. She won’t repeat the same mistake. She’s in good hands now, living a fulfilling life. I shouldn’t disrupt her world with my selfish aspirations. I’ll control my words, emotions, and thoughts to avoid hurting her.

I still love you

"قلبي مكسور وأنا ما زلت أحبك."

Translation: "My heart is broken, yet I still love you."

Yala, Thailand

21 June 2024

Breastfirst

"Esok kita nak breakfast apa?"

"Pulut ikan rebus"

"Okey. Esok kita breastfirst"

"Apa, abang?"

"Esok breakfast"

"Abang cakap apa tadi?"

"Tak ada apa"

"Tengok tu gelak-gelak"

"Breastfirst hehehe"

"Tu aje kerja orang laki"

"Haah tu je dia tahu hehe"

"Dah la abanggg. Sengih-sengih"

22-06-2024

Happiness

مُسکرانے پہ نہ جا، شرطِ مسّرت یہ ہے

کہ تہہِ دل میں کہیں گوشہء افسوس نہ ہو

"Do not go smiling, the condition for happiness is that deep in the heart, there be no corner of regret."

(Khursheed Rizvi)

Nyamuk gatal

"Ara ada apa-apa tak nak letak sini? Nanti orang ingat Ara gigit"

"Alaa tak bawa"

"Merah, kan?"

"Ha'a"

"Ara la gigit"

"Bila ehhhh"

"Lama dah. 17 Mei hari tu"

"Astuu tuduh kita"

"Balik KL tempah hotel. Nyamuk banyak nak gigit sini, sini, sini"

"Nyamuk gatal"

"Sorry…abang hmm…"

"It's okay. Abang kan busy"

"Busy bukan alasan abaikan isteri. Kejab kunci pintu"

_

"I miss you"

"Rindu Ara…"

_

"Breakfast"

"Satu minit"

22-06-2024

Alasan

"Aku dekat Siam. Ara nak kawinkan aku. Apa alasan aku nak bagi?"

"K*** tak up kahkahkah"

"Mangkuk la"

Are you okay?

I got chest pain again today. All I can remember is her. Is she okay? Did any clinic staff interrupt her session with her patient? Is she hurt or in pain? I search for her face in my mind, wondering how she is doing. She sent me two emails early this morning. I haven't read them yet. Maybe later, when I feel a bit calmer and my emotions are more stable. Maybe later, when my mind stops processing everything and accepts this fate. "We can't ask someone to sacrifice for our own happiness," they say. I feel sorry for asking her to make a sacrifice when I myself don't want to do it.

I will stop trying to find a way or thinking of how to get what I want. Sometimes, the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. Having her around is enough, I guess. 

I'm sorry, babe.

Yala, Thailand

22-04-2024

Mengemis cinta

"Tak mesej Zaza?"

"Tak"

"Gaduh?"

"Ye kot"

"Astu?"

"Tinggal je benda tak bermanfaat. Buang masa, habis tenaga"

"Macam tu je?"

"Haah"

"Dia tak meroyan?"

"Ada la sikit"

"Mesti gaduh besar"

"Tak. Malas nak gaduh. Letih. Dua, tiga hari abang tak mesej. Jarak dah sikit, abang tak mesej terus tapi abang bagitahu dia. Abang tahu apa dia nak tapi abang tak boleh bagi. Buat apa nak buat dia mengemis cinta abang. Mengemis cinta orang ni sakit"

"Mmmm"

22-06-2024

Jangan berharap

"Buat apa, sayang? Fokus ya amat"

"Baca tentang Nur Muhammad, al-A'yan al-Tsabitah"

"Apa tu, bang?"

"Tarekat"

"Abang jangan gatal nak bertarekat"

"Belum apa-apa dah sound"

"Solat tak cukup ke, bang?"

"Jalan menuju Tuhan kan banyak"

"Astu pilih jalan paling senang?"

"Apa dia?"

"Kita senang aje. Kita taat dengan abang, 8 pintu syurga terbuka untuk kita"

"Dah jumpa jalan siap dah"

"Mesti la. Jalan mudah ke syurga"

"Mudah ke?"

"Tak pun"

"Susah eh ikut cakap abang?"

"Sikit"

"Bahagia dengan abang?"

"Ha'a"

"Okey, tidur. Abang nak membaca"

"Abang jadi tak?"

"Apa?"

"Kawan kita"

"Balik KL tak ada kerja lain. Kerja nak kawinkan abang je"

"Mungkin dia baik untuk abang"

"Ada satu lagu. Lupa pulak lirik"

"Dah lama Ara tak dengar abang menyanyi. Menari pun tak. Abang tak happy, kan?"

"Okey je"

"Setuju la please"

"Ara…berharap kepada makhluk kita akan kecewa. Belajarlah hidup tanpa harapkan apa-apa dari makhluk supaya kita tak bersedih"

"Macam mana nak pujuk abang mmm"

"Sakit Ara…kalau harapan kita musnah. Hati yang sakit tak ada ubat…"

22-06-2024

Tak nak merah

Daddy: Kenapa tu? Tak nak baju merah? Okey, kita pakai warna lain

Selepas 5 minit

Daddy: Tak nak jugak? Habis nak pakai warna apa? Pakai sama daddy? Nak?

Daneal: Nak!

Tak nak makan

Daddy: Good girl. Hasha dah makan. Pasal apa Raysha tak nak makan?

Raysha: Tak nak

Daddy: Kecik-kecik dah pandai diet eh. Makan. Haa macam mana nak besar kalau tak makan?

Raysha: *suap daddy*

Daddy: Okey, daddy dah makan. Raysha pulak makan

Raysha: Tak nakkkk

Daddy tak sedih

Raysha: *bagi tisu*

Daddy: Nak buat apa tisu ni?

Raysha: *lap mata daddy*

Daddy: Daddy tak sedih. Raysha kan ada. Mesti la daddy happy

Mengemis cinta

Sehina-hina perbuatan adalah mengemis cinta seseorang.

Yala, Thailand

21 Jun 2024

Payung

"Baby"

"Nak ais krim?"

"Tak nak"

"Nak apa?"

"B"

"Ha?! Nak abang?"

"Eee tak la"

"Habis tu tadi cakap"

"Kita panggil je"

"Ooo"

"Abang…terima kasih payungkan kita…"

*senyum*

"Comel" *cubit pipi*

"Handsome kan"

"Perasan"

19-06-2024

Dia bukan untukku

Im terdengar Bonda cakap dekat Ara "Kesian Im menangis dekat sejam tadi". Im menangis dalam bilik. Pintu tertutup rapat. Betul Im menangis dekat sejam. Memang Im sedih sangat hari ini sebab dia cakap "Abang boleh buat apa. Kita tak boleh buat apa". Im jawab "Abang tengah cari jalan". Betul Ummi, Im buat solat Istikharah hampir setiap malam. Im sedang cari jalan tapi Tuhan belum berikan petunjuk.

Tadi malam, dia cakap "Abang...hmm....i m ok...us...just like this....whatever we have now....i dont dare to ask for more....i m just glad i still have you in my life...still getting a moment of your time, your attention, your affection". Ummi, maksudnya, dia takkan tinggalkan suami dia untuk Im. Betul tak, Ummi?. Dulu dia tak pilih Im. Takkan sekarang dia berubah hati. Mungkin juga dia tak mahu menaruh harapan.

Mungkin itulah maksud petunjuk yang Tuhan titipkan - berpisah supaya tiada siapa yang terluka…

_

Im baru habis solat. Sekarang pukul 4 pagi. Im ke dapur. Tekak terasa haus. Bonda sudah bangun. Bonda hidang kek lapis Sarawak bersama teh panas. Sedapnya. Bonda cakap "Apa yang Allah bagi, apa yang Allah tak bagi, itu yang terbaik. Sesuatu yang datang daripada Allah semuanya baik". Im diam. Tak tahu nak cakap apa. Mungkin itulah pujukan yang paling menenangkan saat ini. Im mesti belajar terima hakikat ini.

_

Petang tadi dia cakap "Saya taktau apa yang saya tunggukan.....tapi saya tetap tunggukan abang....saya taktau apa yang saya harapkan....tapi saya masih menaruh harapan pada abang".  Semalam Im rasa down sebab Im rasa dia tak nak Im. Tapi hari ini lain pula. Mungkin dia keliru atau tidak pasti atau tidak tahu apa yang dia mahukan. Tak apa, Ummi. Im boleh pujuk diri sendiri. Ummi jangan risau. 

_

*Wahai yang Maha Mengasihi lebih daripada segala yang mengasihi, kami mohon kemudahan yang tidak ada kesulitan sesudahnya. Kecukupan yang tidak ada kemelaratan sesudahnya. Keamanan yang tidak ada kekhawatiran sesudahnya. Kebahagiaan yang tidak ada derita sesudahnya. Amin.

Pattani Darussalam

19 Jun 2024

*Kutipan doa daripada Dr.MS

Reda

Hai Ummi,

Dulu Im reda bila dia pilih orang lain. Bila Im sudah terima dia hak orang, dia datang kembali. Kenapa dia perlu datang semula? Untuk apa sebenarnya? Im pun tak pasti. Im rasa down sangat sebab dia cakap dia tak minta lebih sedangkan Im cuba cari jalan untuk hidup dengan dia. Sebenarnya Im tahu dia cuma nak hubungan kami sekadar begini saja. Tak lebih dari ini. Cukup apa yang ada - tetap juga bahagia. 

Mungkin Im yang salah faham. Mungkin Im yang berharap lebih. Mungkin dia tak nak di beri harapan - dia takut di kecewakan. Dia tulis "Reaching out to you, contacting you again and telling you how much I miss you, and missing us too, does not mean I want you that way". Tentulah dia takkan pilih Im. Dulu, kini dan mungkin selamanya. Itu hanya impian. Sebahagian impian hanya tinggal kenangan.

Kalau Tuhan nak Im reda untuk kali kedua, Im belajar untuk terima. Memang hidup tak berikan apa yang kita inginkan. Kata dia, "I broke your heart before with my betrayal, I cant be a heartbreaker again, to a different man. Sitting with him here, staring at him, he had make every effort to keep me happy. Perhaps I can live a life without him, but I cant hurt him. He doesnt deserve that". Inilah hakikat sebenarnya. 

Dia sangat sayangkan suami dia dan Im perlu sedar diri. Im tak nak letakkan dia di persimpangan untuk memilih. Tentu Im akan kalah seperti.dulu. Satu masa nanti, salah seorang antara kami akan berundur dan teruskan hidup seperti sediakala. Tiada hati yang akan terluka. Dia bukan untuk Im - cukuplah Im sayang dia dari jauh. Kalau dulu Im boleh reda dia pergi, tentu Im mampu lakukan kali ini. Im akan cuba. 

Hat Yai, Thailand

20 Jun 2024

Potong kambing

"Kita potong kambing boleh tak, bang?"

"Tak payah la"

"Boleh la. Please"

"Bukan benda besar pun"

"Abang tak pernah sekali pun buat untuk diri abang. Kalau orang lain, cepat je abang suruh potong kambing"

"Ara hantar makan dekat rumah orang tua"

"Ara nak buat majlis untuk abang"

"Benda kecik je"

"Orang tahu ke abang tak pergi Brazil sebab sedih anak tak membesar depan mata? Orang tahu tak abang beria tolong anak orang, anak sendiri kena tinggal. Orang tak tahu abang sedih balik aje anak dah pandai macam-macam. Sedih, kan?"

"Hmm…"

"Kenapa abang diam?"

"Ara nak gaduh dengan abang malam dah ni"

"Abang aje yang pelik. Nak buat kenduri ke, nak sambut birthday abang ke tak pernah sambut pun masalahnya, beli hadiah ke, kena tanya abang.. Kalau untuk orang lain tak perlu pun tanya"

"Tu la orang perempuan. Tak layan dia rindu. Bila layan ajak gaduh"

"Malas cakap dengan abang"

"Haa tidur"

*tutup lampu*

"Abang nak baca buku"

"Tak kuasa kita layan"

"Salah abang ke?"

"………"

*buka lampu*

*tutup lampu*

*buka lampu*

*tutup lampu*

"Araa…jangan merajuk"

"Tangan tu sana eh"

"Sana mana?"

"Abangggg"

"Shh…jangan bising. Tidur"

20-06-2024

Dating a hard-working man

Dating a hard-working man is not for everyone. That's why most of these ladies like boys with no life perspective that give them all the time in the world. Going out with a hard-working man is to understand that he will not always be available for you, not every day have relationship time, not every day has attention and not every day will be going out day. You need to understand that he will mostly be tired and he'll only need to take a bath and sleep, repeats the same thing on some days as a routine. The face is tired, the body is no longer the same, the hair is messy but all in all he will obtain real SUCCESS with or without you. Treasure the little time your men are giving you as they are trying to work out the SUCCESS code.

(Unknown)

Pipi

"Phi Phi Island paling cantik tapi hari tu tutup. Tak tahu dah buka ke belum"

"Ehhh pipi abang kenapa?"

"Kenapa?"

"………"

"Ara ni kan……"

"Aww gerammm"

19-06-2024

3 sen

"Dia buat pengumuman apa hari tu?"

"Telur turun 3 sen"

"Lagi?"

"Itu aje"

"Gempak kemain buat pengumuman. Tu je?"

"Ha'a"

"Telur siapa yang turun 3 sen tu?"

"Telur ayam la abang ni"

"Hehehe"

19-06-2024

Selamat malam

"Why we were not honest with each other.."

Jun 17, 2024

_

Ummi,

Dia hantar e-mel. Catatan 2010. Kenapa dia tak pernah cakap pun dia boleh kerja locum dekat klinik, tak perlu on-call lepas kahwin? Kenapa baru sekarang dia bagitahu? Im naK tidur. Kepala pening. Masa solat rasa nak tumbang. Hidung masih berdarah lagi. Sudah lebih dua minggu.

Tears

I am weeping profusely until I have a headache, my neck aches, and my eyes are sore.

Isteri solehah

"Abang tak tidur?"

"Baru habis dengan client"

"Client tak reti tidur ke? Dah malam tau"

"New York. Mana nak tidur"

"Orang raya. Abang kerja"

"Client nak cepat. Jalan terus 4 macam minggu lepas"

"Acam tu kita nak uit la. Acam nak banyak cikit hihi"

"Dan-dan buat suara comel"

"Abang nak minum? Acah isteri colehah hihi"

18-06-2024

A part of me

The scars you've left remind me of all the memories we've shared; they're so beautiful that even if all I have are remnants of us—they still keep me going. You will always be part of who I've become today.

(Unknown)

Mature love

How mature love feels like:

1. Mature love understands the concept of ‘me-time’. They don’t invade your personal space. They understand that sometimes people just need a companion, not a listener.

2. Other people have feelings and mature love knows this. They don’t invalidate your feelings or listen to you just for the sake of it, but to understand your point of view, too.

3. Immature love wants drama. Mature love doesn’t. they like to sort things out quietly. and if they’re at fault, they acknowledge, apologise, and work on themselves to be a better person.

4. Immature love doubts the other all the time. “do you love me?”, “where were you?”, “who were you talking to when i called?"

5. Mature love doesn’t need reassurance or explanations. they are patient. They understand the simple truth of love – if there’s no trust, there’s no love.

6. Mature love understands that two people don’t have to end up as one complete person. ‘we’re individuals with different interests, but it doesn’t mean we can’t be together and help each other grow in love.’

7. Immature love will fight with you over late replies, for falling asleep early, and expect you to talk all day. Mature love understands that you’re an independent person with a life of your own.

8. Everyone has a past. Immature love is threatened by your past lovers and strangers. Mature love understands that you’ve a history and they believe in you.

9. Immature couples argue about the things that happened in the past. Mature love fights for the future.

(Unknown)

Love came first

You don’t move on after loss, but you must move with. You must shake hands with grief, welcome her in, for she lives with you now. Pull her a chair at the table and offer her comfort. She is not the monster you first thought her to be. She is love. And she will walk with you now, stay with you now, peacefully. If you let her.

And on the days when your anger is high, remember why she came, remember who she represents. Remember. Grief came to you my friend because love came first. Love came first... 

(Donna Ashworth)

Iye ke ni?

Ara: Princess bangun awal buat macam-macam astu kemas bla bla bla

Nenda: Iye ke ni? hehe

Ara: Iye laaaa

16/06/2024

Warisan dan tradisi

Ummi,

Kami ziarah 5 buah keluarga hari ini. Seronok mendengar cerita dari zaman kegemilangan Kesultanan Pattani, peperangan merebut wilayah dengan pihak Siam hinggalah tersebarnya orang Melayu Pattani ke Malaysia terutamanya di Perak. Ramai orang Pattani tinggal di Perak. Dari zaman dahulu, mereka ini kaya-raya dan banyak tanah. Mereka tak pandang tanah suku atau setengah ekar. Satu keluarga sekurang-kurangnya memiliki 10-15 ekar tanah. Kegiatan ekonomi utama mereka adalah pertanian.  

Orang tua-tua di sini masih lagi mampu bertutur dalam dialek Melayu-Pattani, sedangkan orang muda kebanyakannya sudah tidak fasih berbahass Melayu. Mereka lebih gemar berbahasa Thai. Di Satun dan Songkhla, mereka tidak mengaku sebagai orang Melayu sebaliknya lebih berbangga berbangsa Thai. Bahasa Melayu Pattani akan pupus sekiranya penuturnya semakin berkurangan. Dialek ini lebih kurang sama dengan loghat Kelantan tetapi berbeza fonologi, suku kata dan lenggok percakapan.

Semalam, Bonda masak rendang ayam hutan. Baru pertama kali makan. Lembut sungguh dagingnya. Bonda masak tak pedas. Perut tak sakit. Sedap sangat. Hari ini Bonda masak tomyam putih. Makan bersama mihun. Ada juga pulut mangga. Malamnya Ara masak sup tulang tapi lupa letak garam. Tentulah Nenda membebel panjang. Nenda suka makan masin walaupun banyak kali di tegah - dia tak endah. Orang tua selalunya degil. Begitulah sifat sejatinya manusia bila sudah meningkat usia.

Jun 17, 2024

Father's Day

Ara dearest,

If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have the joy of being a father. Thank you for carrying our quadruplets and for choosing me to be their dad. I am deeply honored. I hope I can be a strong role model for our children. I will guide them, teach them, instill values in them, spend quality time with them, encourage them, and strive to be the best father I can be.

Thank you for the gift of "The Diary of a CEO" by Steven Bartlett. It was a book I had always wanted to read but kept forgetting to buy.

June 17, 2024

I hurt her even more…

I poured out my deep feelings that I had kept for nearly a decade in a long email. It made her sad and feel down. She said in a message, "Saya teruk betul ya..." I didn't intend to make her see herself as "bad" back then. No. I wrote the email while I was on board from San Jose to Singapore. I missed her badly, so I started writing. Sadly, I don't have many memories with her. I do have some, but I can't remember much. My mind keeps half of the memories, and it likes to store the bitter ones. They are still memories, but they are bitter. For me, at least I have something to remember, even if it hurts.

She loved me with all her capabilities, giving me the best she could. I saw that she gave me all she had. Maybe I wanted more and felt it was not enough, even though she had given me her very best.

Another issue arose, and now she misunderstood my words that I tried to explain. I hurt her even more…

Pattani Darussalam

June 18, 2024

Anak sendiri di tirikan

Bonda: Im nak rendang? Ayam hutan sedap

Imran: Boleh jugak nak rasa

Ara: Bonda tak tanya Princes pun. Tanya abang je

Imran: Kejab abang ambil. Ara nak apa? Peha? Kepak?

Bonda: Makan, Im. Dia boleh cedok sendiri

Ara: Sampai hati tau anak sendiri di tirikan mmm

16/06/2024