“I have a strong tendency, a bad habit that I believe no one knows about. I tend to repeatedly read things that hurt me hundreds of times. My mind remembers the words, letters, lines, and every symbol. I memorize them. I write them down until my heart feels like it is bleeding and screaming in pain”

"Kenapa Ara tak tahu pasal ni?"

"Yela dah tak ada dalam fail. Tu kan catatan lama. Puluh tahun dulu"

"Banyak yang abang sorok?"

"Cukuplah apa yang Ara dah baca dalam fail tu"

"Kenapa mesti sembunyikan?"

"Dah seminggu Ara tanya banyak soalan. Semua abang jawab. Abang penat. Bagi abang ruang sikit, boleh? Abang kan tengah kerja"

"Okay, sorry"

"Abang trauma berlapis-lapis. Ada dokumen abang minta doktor pisahkan sebab tu Ara tak dapat baca. Ada benda yang Ara tak boleh tahu"

"Tapi Kajang mesti tahu. Betul tak?"

"Abang tak nak gaduh"

"See"

"Apa?"

"Ara nak akses fail tu"

"Tak boleh"

"Kenapa tak boleh?"

"It’s my ugly side. My first and worst nightmare. Don’t cross that line. Kali ni je abang minta, jangan. Kali ni je. Abang tak boleh tanggung dah, Ara. Yang ada ni pun dah tak tertanggung"

"Kenapa Kajang tak tahu? Kenapa abang tak bagitahu dia?"

"She respects my boundaries. Doesn’t ask for much"

"Abang nak cakap Ara tak hormat abang? Macam tu?"

"Bukan, bukan. Dah, Ara. Abang sakit dada. Fail tu Ara tak boleh akses. Muktamad. Move on"

"No"

"Don’t do that… it will break my heart"

_

"If you knew, you wouldn’t look at me the same way. Please, can we just skip this? Not all trauma needs to be addressed"

"I value transparency"

Panggilan telefon

20260416

Dubai

1:30 AM — Dubai

Sleep: 2h 30m 49s. Alhamdulillah

Hydration (100 ml). Bed made. Cold exposure, facial ice, light mobility, 45-minute cold shower

Sahur: 3 boiled eggs, honey (1 tsp), 150 ml water

Grooming complete. Dressed in baju Melayu and sarong. Went to the mosque for salah

Returned to the hotel. Reading block: Chinese novel (near completion)

Recovery: 25-minute rest. Skincare

Day outfit: light pink slim-fit shirt, black slim-cut trousers, black leather penny loafers, black leather belt

Work block completed. Returned at 4 PM. Short rest. Spoke with my wife

Physical reset: quick shower, swim (4 laps)

Maghrib at the mosque.

Iftar: water, naan, olive oil

Post-prayer: Surah Ar-Rahman, Dalail al-Khayrat, 1 rakaʿah witir

Sleep: 1 hour

Reset. Shower. Prepared for night shift

Night outfit: camel crewneck sweater, navy pants, espresso brown leather Chelsea boots

Now at the office

Now at the office

Morning breakfast after night shift: sourdough toast, eggs, olive oil, hot cocoa

"Dia nak guna khidmat abang, kena ikut cara abang. Take it or leave it. Bukan kerja abang nak yakinkan dia"

"Abang cakap pasal kerja ke Kajang? hihihi"

"Ara ni kang haa"

"Gurau sikit pun tak boley"

"Orang tengah serius"

"Okey-okey, sorry"

"Dia demand minta macam-macam. Bayarnya tidak. Dah tak percaya buat apa hire abang. Senang cerita, my way or the highway"

"Uiii garangnya"

"Apa Ara ni. Abang cerita gelak je. Malas cerita dah"

"Alaaa. Abang"

"Orang dah panas hati dia gelak-gelak"

Panggilan telefon

Dubai, UAE

20260415

 

"Nostalgianya…rasa nak menangis baca. Pensel abang bentuk macam ni tapi jenama tak ingat. Yang ni mahal. Abang punya murah je. Hilang… cari tak jumpa-jumpa"

"Nak tak? Kita belikan"

"Tak payahlah. Abang dah tak pakai pensel"

"Simpan aje buat kenangan"

"Cukuplah simpan dalam ingatan…"

"Acam Kajang"

"Hmmmmm"

Panggilan telefon

Dubai, UAE

20260415