18 September 2026 — Home

4 a.m. 

Sleep but half-awake — writing an erotic letter to her. I see her in my dream — close enough to write about every inch of her. Feel the presence of her. The letter didn't finish. I woke up. I had a headache. 

9.00 a.m.

Log in to my Hotmail. I read random emails of hers. It was clear — something I missed before, or maybe my delusional, blind self. I deleted two emails. Previously, I had deleted another email.

9.05 a.m.

My habit — I write down any quotes or poems that remind me of her. Save them safely for her letter to craft in. Now, I have burned a quarter of the paper. They are now useless, soon becoming trash.

"Kita dah sapu. Acam mana dia ada sini?"

"Ara spray lupa buang kot"

"Ey awak, pemastautin tetap bilik kita ke?"

"Mana dia nak jawab. Kan dah mati kering tu"

"Mmm…mesti abang cakap kita tak kemas. Kita dah kemas. Kita dah…kita tak reti kemas gaknya…"

"Abang tak cakap apa pun"

_

"Jab g Ary cakap abang ikut cakap bini"

"Biar la abang buat"

"Kita nak lipat senanya"

"Tak apa. Bukan susah pun"

"Bertukar-tukar astu kita acam okey aje asenya sistem acam ni"

"Okey je. Abang tak ada kerja. Saja nak kemas"

"Mata abang sakit an tengok barang kita cepah"

"Tak. Abang suka kemas bilik Ara"

"Barang kita bebankan mmm acam serabutkan otak abang, kan?"

"Tak"

"Excessive OCD"

"OCD je. Tak ada excessive"

"Sama aje. Salah kita ke translation banyak typo"

"La ilaha illallah. Budak ni"

"Banyak kali tau abang complaint. Siap mention imbuhan salah, takde koma, pemilihan terms tak tepat and abang cakap nak beli edisi lain"

"Abang kemas bilik je, Ra. Apa sampai ke buku terjemahan?"

"Sebab kita beli"

"Kan dah cakap penerbit careless"

"Kita ase acam salah kita. Tak perfect. Abang kan suka perfect"

"I'm sorry that you interpreted (it) that way. I had no intention of hurting you or complaining. I was just sharing my thoughts with you. I'm sorry"

"It's okay"

"Betul…abang cuma cakap je. Tak sangka sampai macam tu fikir"

"Lama tau kita pendam"

"Berapa lama?"

"Dua minggu"

"I'm sorry for my attitude. I won't do it again. Terima kasih tegur abang"

"Bang, nak cucur kembung kuah sardin?"

"Boleh. Kopi pekat sikit"

Ogos, 2026

"Pedasnya ayat"

"Itu pun Ara dah cakap pedas"

"Sentap kita dengar. Terkejut. Abang tak pernah tau cakap macam tu"

"Abang boleh cakap lebih dari tu tapi abang tak suka sakitkan hati orang. Ada setengah benda lebih baik kita simpan. Bukan semua benda kita boleh lafaz. Some words cut deeper than a knife. Apa yang kita cakap hari ni, orang boleh ingat sampai mati. Abang kalau boleh pilih tak nak melukakan"

(2025)

"Dulu Ara pernah tanya, kenapa abang tak bagi hati abang dekat Ara. Ara cakap abang bagi sikit je. Ara nak tahu sebab apa? Sebab abang dah tak percaya cinta. I’ve stopped believing in love"

"Kenapa, abang?"

"Love is uncertain, possessive, jealous, and sometimes destructive. It destroyed me completely. I didn’t see the world the same way anymore. Salah abang…terlalu bagi muka sampai orang pijak kepala. Tak takut dengan abang, tak takut hilang abang. Lesson learned the hard way"

(2025)