Emotional distance

I don't open the apps.

I don't read the chat.

I don't re-read her emails.

I write one email at a time.

I want her to focus on her husband without thinking about me. Her husband wants her attention and love. Maybe he feels like something is missing in their relationship. Perhaps he thinks she is only physically there, not emotionally. Men can sense these things. He limits her phone time at home not just because he suspects her of infidelity, but because he sees her spending more time on her phone than with him. He wants more. He wants more from her: more attention and affection. He wants to be her everything. I know how it feels to be unvalued, unwanted, and craving attention. I know how loneliness feels in a relationship. 

Ya Rabb, may she be a source of coolness in his eyes, bringing them closeness, happiness, and enjoyment of each other's company. Ya Rabb, I do not want to be the third wheel in their marriage. Forgive me and remove me from being the cause of the downfall of their marriage.

Masjid Awliya, New York

May 5, 2024 / 5.00 am

Separuh sayap nyamuk

"Merengek je eh hehe"

"Ee jangan la. Abanggg"

"Manja"

"Alaa kenapa buka laptop? Alaaa"

"Dah habis kerjakan Ara kena la buat kerja"

"Alaaa"

"Dia tak bayar, dia pulak nak ambil tindakan sebab abang langgar agreement"

"Apa maksud langgar agreement?"

"Dalam agreement ada tempoh masa. Masa kita buat kerja, dia asyik tukar pelan, arah kerja itu ini. Kerja yang patut kita buat jadi tergendala. Progress tak selari dengan tarikh. Dia gunakan alasan tu untuk tak bayar. Bila tak bayar, kita tak boleh buat kerja untuk next step. Dia salahkan kita padahal salah dia. Payment pun selalu lambat. Semua benda asyik nak tukar. Nak tambah macam-macam tapi tak nak tambah duit. Mana boleh macam tu"

"Pembelit"

"Dia lupa, kenikmatan yang kita dapat atas muka bumi ni hanya separuh sayap nyamuk. Apa yang kita tak dapat pun, hanya separuh sayap nyamuk. Tapi manusia selalu lupa"

05-05-2024

NYC

Just you

"Senyum je hari ni"

"Happy. Orkestra best sangat. Dinner best. Night walk best"

"Abang tak best?"

"Tak hihi"

"Ada ke tak best"

"Abang tak sedih pasal projek? Kesian abang mmm"

"Dia bayar kita tak bertambah kaya, dia tak bayar kita tak miskin. Amount tu kecik cuma penat la buat kerja"

"Kenapa manusia jahat?"

"Ara jangan susah hati. Minor project je. Boleh cover"

"You made me happy, but inside, you need to deal with so many things"

"My thoughts are solely consumed by you. No one else. Nothing else. Just you"

"Mulut manis. Jual harga paling tinggi tau astu cuti setahun kita nak pergi travel"

"Ingat nak baby hahaha"

"Abang cakap dah cukup"

"Travel mana? Mana Ara nak pergi?"

"Mana kita belum pergi?"

"Syurga"

"Abang ni kannn"

*keluarkan bunga*

"Heeeee"

*senyum*

*peluk*

04-05-2024

NYC

_

Malam yang bahagia. Wahai Tuhan pemilik sekalian alam, kekalkanlah kebahagiaan ini. Amin.

My wife

My wife always seeks my permission before responding to any messages from her male friends. While she is fine to reply to messages from her clients or colleagues without asking, she still prefers to check with me first. She did not have male friends as she went to an all-girls school from elementary to high school. She does not store the contact numbers of male friends in her phone or connect with them on social media. This sets my wife apart from other women.

Tak bayar

"You good, sayang?"

"Okey"

"You sure?"

"Dua projek abang orang tak nak bayar"

"Banyak ke?"

"Banyak jugak. Abang dah hentikan kerja tu semalam. Dia tanya pulak kenapa tak nak teruskan"

"Such a nutjob. You didn't even pay but you still expect people to keep working"

"Satu lagi tu hmm buat dengan orang kenal…tu leceh. Dia cakap dah siap buat apa nak bayar"

"What?! Dia gila ke apa, abang?"

"Semua langgar agreement"

"Abang tak ambil tindakan?"

"Tak. Malas"

"Mmm…kesian abang"

"Tinggal sekejab construction. Abang ada kerja lain. Nak pergi menjual. Kalau lepas, makan besar. Ara doakan abang, okey?"

"Sure, sayang"

"Duit je Ara. Ada la tu Tuhan nak uji. Mesti ada benda besar Tuhan bagi nanti"

"Law firm pun sama,bang. 60% sebelum prosiding, 40% after case habis. Hangus je. Tak pun mintak diskaun gila-gila. Ambil kes kawan-kawan tak nak bayar legal fees. Bayar duit kopi ikut suka dia. Geram je"

"Dunia, Ara. Janji semalam dah dengar "Abang jahat, abang berat" haha ceria hati hari ni"

"Shhh…abang ni kan. Eee"

"Apa yang berat tu hmm? Abang ke benda abang haha"

"Tak tahu hihi"

04-05-2024

NYC

Malam nan indah

"Abang jahat"

"Abang berat hihi"

— Ara

May 4, 2024 / 2.35 am

New York City