Siang

"Tak ada jual CD dah. Dulu dekat sini ada kedai jual kaset dengan CD. Kaset dulu mahal. Paling-paling RM 25"

"Abang beli kaset apa?"

"Lagu rock. Simpan sampai sekarang. Abang minat piring hitam tapi dulu mahal. Typewriter pun abang tak mampu beli"

"Typewriter? Untuk apa?"

"Zaman dulu kalau orang tak pandai tulis surat rasmi, dia cari typewriter. Typewriter tulis dapat upah"

"Tak pernah dengar. First time"

"Dulu orang susah, buta huruf mana reti mengarang sendiri. Abang dulu berangan nak beli tapi tak pandai guna. Salah satu huruf, tulis lain"

_

"Ra, kita pergi kedai haiwan situ kejab, boleh?"

"Abang nak beli apa?"

"Selain nursery, abang kan suka kedai haiwan"

"Please abang, no more haiwan"

"Abang nak beli ikan bagi Ara"

"Ikan?"

"Ha ikan letak dalam balang kaca bulat. Letak batu warna-warni, letak rumpai. Romantik, kan?"

"Untuk kita?"

"Ye. Letak dalam bilik kerja Ara tapi jangan lupa bagi makan kang mati"

"Astu kalau kucing abang makan acam mana?"

"Dia tak makan. Ikan hiasan, kecil je"

"If that’s what makes you happy, I’m okay with it"

"Romantik, kan? Bagi ikan. Nanti kalau Ara stres ke tengok dia. Boleh hilang stres"

"Terima kasih, abang"

_

"Ara tak happy eh dapat ikan?"

"Taklah"

"Ni…bunga…taklah bunga sangat. Small bouquet…abang buat tadi"

"Comelnyaaaaa"

"Kecil dari tapak tangan. Tu je barang abang jumpa dekat kebun"

"It's so cute!"

"Tak cantik sangat. Abang tak pandai susun"

"Cantik, abang"

"Wildflower, akar pokok, daun kering, rumput, ranting"

"Rajin aje buat craft. Thanks, love"

"Nanti abang bagi bunga. Abang kena sayang Ara ikut love language Ara bukan dengan cara abang"

"I’m okay with what you give me. You don’t have to overthink everything or figure me out all the time. Breathe. Live. Love doesn’t have to feel this heavy"

"Okey"

"My emotions are my responsibility, not yours to carry. Just being here is enough"

Malam

"Ehh dinosaur"

"Banyak tau movie best"

"Lama tak tengok tv"

"Now?"

"Abang nak tengok rugby kalau ada"

"Bisa di atur masss"

_

"Sampai terlondeh hihihi"

"Aip! Tutup mata. Nampak punggung tu"

"Calah dia tak pakai cepende"

"Lain tengoknya"

"Astu depan mata. Abang ajar"

"Apa abang"

_

"Yeayyyyy! Golllll!"

"Mana ada gol, Ara. Adeh"

"Came aje"

"Bukan main bola"

_

"Encem-encem, ketak-ketak, punggung mantap hihihi"

"Ey! Situ pulak. Tukar channel lain"

_

"Orang suruh tengok game. Dia tengok benda lain"

"Laju nau lari"

"Yela nak bawa lari bola"

"Acam bawa lari hati kita. Dup dap dup dap hihihi"

"Hahaha mengada"

20260419

"Bukan malas layan. Tak nak layan lagi"

"Acam tu ke layan wife?"

"Okey la dari abang layan perempuan lain"

"Dah layan pun kan"

_

"Okey pagi ni?

"Tak"

"Anak buat perangai?"

"Tak pun"

"Kalau letih, tinggal semua. Tak payah buat apa-apa"

"Okey"

"Dah makan?"

"Belum"

"Kembar biar Jaz jaga. Ara pergi berkebun ke tidur ke. Rehat. Anything I can do to make your day easier?"

"Abang, do you love me?"

_

"Before I make any assumptions and turn this fight into a war which I don’t want. Tell me what’s on your mind"

"Can I be honest?"

"It’s better than letting this turn into a war and dragging it on for weeks"

_

"Anyone can have trust issues. It doesn’t matter how long it happened. Something that’s broken needs time to heal"

"Am I someone you don’t trust?"

"Not being given access to everything you want doesn’t mean I don’t trust you"

"If you don’t trust me, and you don’t love me… then what am I to you?"

"Mana pulak abang tak sayang"

"Tanya hati abang… jujur dengan diri abang sendiri"

"Ara…"

"A man who cannot leave his past cannot build a new life"

_

"Ara tanya abang banyak soalan. Ara tengah nilai abang dalam hati Ara?"

"Abang rasa macam tu?"

"Ara dah penat dengan abang?"

_

"I’m working on myself. Please give me some time before you make any decision, if you already have something in your mind. These past two years really tough. More than ever"

"She is so much bigger in your world than you realize, abang"

_

"Since we met, I’ve felt sorry for you. The hardest part is seeing you still holding on to someone else"

"Ara…"

_

"You can’t get mad because she's not choosing you. You can’t expect her to wait forever. She deserves to know where you’re going"

"I know"

Panggilan telefon

April 17, 2026

Dubai

April 18, 2026

8:45 malam

"Abang? Tak pergi Spain?"

"Abang tahu Ara penat. Banyak minggu dah abang tinggal Ara"

"Kita okey aje"

"Work can’t wait but you come first"

_

"Ara dah makan?"

"Belum"

"Ni ada Japanese food. Tadi abang suruh Don bungkus"

"Tak lapar"

"Makan la sikit. Ada Italian food baru bukak. Kalau nak cuba, esok kita pergi"

"It's okay, abang"

_

"Ara tak suka tengok abang ke?"

"Taklah"

"Makan la sikit. Kalau tak suka abang pun tak apa tapi kena jaga diri. Makan la. Sedap ni"

"…………"

"Buka mulut. Makan. Hari tu cakap kalau boleh bernafas pun nak suruh abang buat"

"Takde selera"

"Abang tak nak jadi penyebab Ara sakit jadi Ara kena makan"

_

"Ara…bagi abang 2 tahun. Kalau lepas 2 tahun Ara rasa abang tak berubah dan Ara dah penat dengan semua ni, Ara boleh buat keputusan…abang minta maaf lukakan hati Ara…"

"Fix yourself, Tiger. I don’t want to lose you. Do it for your own good"

"Yes, ma’am"

_

April 19, 2026

12:30 malam

"Ra…bangun…jom kita keluar"

"Abang…"

"Jom keluar"

"Pergi mana?"

"Jalan-jalan"

_

"Sorry abang kacau Ara tidur"

"Balas dendam kan"

"Jet lag"

"Beria"

_

"Peluk kuat sikit"

"Dahhh. Eee mengada"

_

"Ra nak apa? Teh tarik? Kopi? Nescafe? Abang handsome ke eh silap hee"

"Air mineral"

"Botol biru? Putih? Hijau?"

"Hijau"

"Nak makan? Nasi goreng? Sandwich? Sizzling? Nasi campur?"

"Abang makan apa?"

"Lai chi kang dengan mi hailam

"Samalah"

_

"Abang tak okey Ara tanya banyak soalan, bukan banyak soalan, soalan deep, killer. Macam mana la tak kena hukuman gantung, peguam tanya soalan maut. Ara tanya soalan falsafah ke abang boleh jawab"

"Jawapan tak penting, abang. Kejujuran yang penting"

"Soalan tu buat abang tak selesa. Real talk makes me uncomfortable. Really"

"You need to sit with yourself to understand yourself"

"Yeah, but"

"I’m not going to apologize for that"

_

"Abang, kita nak bawa"

"Hati-hati dengan lori…bas"

"Jangan tidur tau"

"Ha"

_

"Okey la abang tidur dari abang raba"

"Gatal"

"Eh tak suka ke kena raba?"

"Mandi, bang. Yang itu kalau real talk suka aje kan"

"7 jam pun boleh hahaha"

_

"Thanks, love. Lamanya tak ride"

"Sekarang pun boleh 'ride' hehehehe"

"Sakit dada, kan? Astu rehat"

"Heeee"

"Bang"

"Quickie, quickie"

"You’re hard to resist, aren’t you?"

"Me or my thing? Ehem"

"Which one is the gentleman?"

"Both are charmingly gentlemanly and sweet"

"Really?"

"Once you taste me, even a thousand years won’t make you forget. I am an unforgettable man. The one you will run after, begging and crying. The name you try to forget, but never fully can"

"Amboi, bang!"

"Hahahahaha"

“I have a strong tendency, a bad habit that I believe no one knows about. I tend to repeatedly read things that hurt me hundreds of times. My mind remembers the words, letters, lines, and every symbol. I memorize them. I write them down until my heart feels like it is bleeding and screaming in pain”

"Kenapa Ara tak tahu pasal ni?"

"Yela dah tak ada dalam fail. Tu kan catatan lama. Puluh tahun dulu"

"Banyak yang abang sorok?"

"Cukuplah apa yang Ara dah baca dalam fail tu"

"Kenapa mesti sembunyikan?"

"Dah seminggu Ara tanya banyak soalan. Semua abang jawab. Abang penat. Bagi abang ruang sikit, boleh? Abang kan tengah kerja"

"Okay, sorry"

"Abang trauma berlapis-lapis. Ada dokumen abang minta doktor pisahkan sebab tu Ara tak dapat baca. Ada benda yang Ara tak boleh tahu"

"Tapi Kajang mesti tahu. Betul tak?"

"Abang tak nak gaduh"

"See"

"Apa?"

"Ara nak akses fail tu"

"Tak boleh"

"Kenapa tak boleh?"

"It’s my ugly side. My first and worst nightmare. Don’t cross that line. Kali ni je abang minta, jangan. Kali ni je. Abang tak boleh tanggung dah, Ara. Yang ada ni pun dah tak tertanggung"

"Kenapa Kajang tak tahu? Kenapa abang tak bagitahu dia?"

"She respects my boundaries. Doesn’t ask for much"

"Abang nak cakap Ara tak hormat abang? Macam tu?"

"Bukan, bukan. Dah, Ara. Abang sakit dada. Fail tu Ara tak boleh akses. Muktamad. Move on"

"No"

"Don’t do that… it will break my heart"

_

"If you knew, you wouldn’t look at me the same way. Please, can we just skip this? Not all trauma needs to be addressed"

"I value transparency"

Panggilan telefon

20260416

Dubai

1:30 AM — Dubai

Sleep: 2h 30m 49s. Alhamdulillah

Hydration (100 ml). Bed made. Cold exposure, facial ice, light mobility, 45-minute cold shower

Sahur: 3 boiled eggs, honey (1 tsp), 150 ml water

Grooming complete. Dressed in baju Melayu and sarong. Went to the mosque for salah

Returned to the hotel. Reading block: Chinese novel (near completion)

Recovery: 25-minute rest. Skincare

Day outfit: light pink slim-fit shirt, black slim-cut trousers, black leather penny loafers, black leather belt

Work block completed. Returned at 4 PM. Short rest. Spoke with my wife

Physical reset: quick shower, swim (4 laps)

Maghrib at the mosque.

Iftar: water, naan, olive oil

Post-prayer: Surah Ar-Rahman, Dalail al-Khayrat, 1 rakaʿah witir

Sleep: 1 hour

Reset. Shower. Prepared for night shift

Night outfit: camel crewneck sweater, navy pants, espresso brown leather Chelsea boots

Now at the office

Now at the office

Morning breakfast after night shift: sourdough toast, eggs, olive oil, hot cocoa

"Dia nak guna khidmat abang, kena ikut cara abang. Take it or leave it. Bukan kerja abang nak yakinkan dia"

"Abang cakap pasal kerja ke Kajang? hihihi"

"Ara ni kang haa"

"Gurau sikit pun tak boley"

"Orang tengah serius"

"Okey-okey, sorry"

"Dia demand minta macam-macam. Bayarnya tidak. Dah tak percaya buat apa hire abang. Senang cerita, my way or the highway"

"Uiii garangnya"

"Apa Ara ni. Abang cerita gelak je. Malas cerita dah"

"Alaaa. Abang"

"Orang dah panas hati dia gelak-gelak"

Panggilan telefon

Dubai, UAE

20260415

 

"Nostalgianya…rasa nak menangis baca. Pensel abang bentuk macam ni tapi jenama tak ingat. Yang ni mahal. Abang punya murah je. Hilang… cari tak jumpa-jumpa"

"Nak tak? Kita belikan"

"Tak payahlah. Abang dah tak pakai pensel"

"Simpan aje buat kenangan"

"Cukuplah simpan dalam ingatan…"

"Acam Kajang"

"Hmmmmm"

Panggilan telefon

Dubai, UAE

20260415

7:40 AM — Dubai

Slept for 3 hours. Alhamdulillah.

Woke up, got ready, and went for a 5 km jog. Returned to the hotel, took a shower, and changed into baju Melayu for prayer at the mosque.

After jamaah, recited Surah Yasin, read the tafsir, and completed Ratib al-Attas.

Came back to the hotel. Spent some time reading an article and jotting down notes. After about 45 minutes, took a hot shower and performed 4 rakaat of Dhuha.

Now getting ready for work.

Outfit: a mustard yellow blazer, a light blue shirt, burgundy slim-fit pants, a dark brown leather belt, and brown suede loafers.

Dubai is awesome. So am I.

Time for breakfast.

"Abang"

"Hmm"

"You need to sleep. When you don’t, you get like this. They’re married… and the truth is, she chose him. She’s happy with him, right?"

"Sakit dada"

"Anxiety spike?"

"Dah makan ubat tapi mata tak nak tidur"

"Then stop thinking about her. Your story with her is over, abang. She made her choice. Let her be happy"

"Comparative emotional rejection cuts deep"

"I know. You’re allowed to feel hurt but don’t let it consume you. Accept that she loves him more. Sometimes people choose what feels right for them… and this time, it wasn’t you. So, let her go"

"Hmmm…"

"Abang"

"Hmm"

"Okey tak?"

"Dada sakit tak boleh cakap banyak"

"You can move on and still carry a part of her. That’s normal. But you have to keep going. She used to be your whole world… now her world has changed, and you’re not in it anymore. You don’t have to like it… but you can’t run from it"

_

"Abang tertidur. Kelapa sakit"

"Dah makan ubat?"

"Ubat kanser tinggal sebiji. Tak perasan"

_

"Abang nak keluar dah. Balik lambat"

"Focus, okay?"

"Okey"

_

"Abang dah okey. Jangan risau. Dada je sakit. Susah nak nafas…tapi okey"

"You sure?"

"Abang hmm…I can’t believe her anymore…that’s the hurtful part that I’m afraid to face myself. I would always question my place, and that’s why I stepped back. I believed her in everything, but not about her feelings. Yeah… to answer your question, I am 80% sure that even if she comes back to me, she would run back to the man… who has always… had her heart…"

"It’s okay, abang. Just cry, let it out"

Panggilan telefon

Dubai, UAE

20260414

"Abang dah sampai hotel. 

Panas membara 

Oh jantungku 

Degup pantas kernamu"

"Sembang"

"Ala betul la sini siang panas terik"

"32°"

"Tak sempat pulak check. Sibuk"

"Sibukkan apa?"

"Ni, tak ada spender. Semua boxer. Warna hitam dengan putih je. Taruh la warna kuning ke, oren ke, turquoise ke, striking green ke.

Dalam kehidupan ini

Yang terindah

Melalui usia remaja

Senda gurau suka duka

Sering berganti

Meninggalkan kesan abadi

Oh berdebar-debar hatinya

Kali pertama bertentang mata

Inikah pengalaman

Harus ditempuhi tiap insan"

"Hello Jabatang Metrologi"

"E dengki"

"Tok koso"

"Ra, Ra, Ra. Abang nak mandi. Tak meriah la warna boxer. Kenapa tak letak spender? Hot, seksi dan mengiurkan. Fuh!"

_

"Ra, abang dah mandi. Nak tidur kejab"

"Tak pergi site?"

"Sakit kepala. Risau Ara tak nak cakap dengan abang"

"Kita okey aje"

"Abang minta maaf"

"Ara tak marah abang ada hubungan kalau niat nak kawin. Ara marah sebab isteri orang. Jangan bercinta dengan isteri orang, abang"

"Abang tak bercinta. Abang tak ada hubungan dengan dia. Pernah terlintas nak kawin tapi abang tak nak dia masuk neraka. Abang tahu hukum. Tak cium bau syurga. Abang takut Allah, tapi abang buat jugak. Abang sentiasa ada niat nak berhenti. Abang nak bagitahu Ara tapi abang tak tahu macam mana. Abang rasa bersalah dengan Ara, dengan suami dia"

"Abang happy dengan dia?"

"……………"

"Abang, jawablah. Ara tak marah"

"……………"

"Abang"

"Dia contact abang tanya khabar. Abang pun tahu dia tak nak abang semula. Abang yang tak bagi dia pergi. Dia banyak kali cakap nak pergi. Masa dia ada, abang rasa beban yang abang pikul ringan. Macam Allah angkat beban tu. Abang boleh tidur lena. Tak payah fikir apa-apa. Abang rasa berdosa. Abang fikirkan perasaan Ara, suami dia, anak-anak kita, anak-anak dia. Abang tak berani langkah ke depan. Masa abang kena sound, banyak yang abang nak cakap tapi abang pilih diam. Abang tak nak panjang cerita. Abang tak nak dia kena cerai. Abang tak nak anak dalam perut dia jadi pertikaian. Abang tak nak reputasi semua orang terjejas. Abang fikir keluarga Ara, keluarga dia, ipar-duai dia, perasaan anak-anak dia kalau tahu. Semua abang fikir termasuklah perkara paling berat sekali…melibatkan nyawa. Ara pun tahu. Lillahi Ta'ala, abang tak pernah terfikir nak duakan Ara. Abang tahu abang zalim dengan Ara. Abang minta maaf. Percayalah, anak dalam kandungan tu bukan anak abang"

"Ara percaya abang tapi sampai bila abang nak macam ni?"

"Abang minta maaf, Ara. Abang tahu maaf tak boleh ubah apa-apa. Hati Ara dah terluka…"

"Some things you just can’t change. Focus on yourself. You deserve to be happy too. Abang selalu dahulukan dia sampai abang lupa diri sendiri. She’s aware you’re married, so what’s her intention in coming back? What is she hoping for? Abang pun baik sangat layan dia. Boleh tak jangan baik sangat? Abang tak perlu fikir pasal dia. She’s happy where she is now. You won’t heal by getting answers. You heal by accepting the ones you may never get"

"Okey"

"Nobody stole your girl. Your girlfriend chose him over you. Her husband isn’t your enemy. She chose what she believed was best for her"

Panggilan telefon

05042026

"Still sakit perut?"

"Haah"

"Dah 5 hari, kan?"

"Tu la"

"Tukar secy, bang"

"Okey"

"Kita acam rasa dia sengaja beli masakan pedas"

_

"Tukar dah. PA baru belum ada"

"Dinding perut dia made in hell gaknya"

"Dia tahan pedas macam lidah tak rasa pun ada"

_

"Abang sampai Subuh. Abang ambil Ara balik rumah kita, boleh?"

"Kita dekat rumah"

"Bukan Hartamas?"

"Tak"

_

"Kenapa tak cakap dah balik?"

"Malas"

"Ara balik bila?"

"Rabu"

_

"Nenda pernah cakap it’s not wrong for a woman to lower her pride for someone she loves"

"Tapi tu konteks lain kan…ni kes curang…mana-mana perempuan tak boleh terima…"

"Bila terbang?"

"Sejam lebih lagi"

_

"Bang"

"Ha dengar. Mengantuk"

"Astu kerja 18 jam sehari acam mana tak penat"

"Banyak kerja"

Panggilan telefon

20260410

"Ra, budak-budak dah tidur. Jom keluar"

"Now?"

"Ye. Tukar baju"

"Kita nak pergi mana?"

"Saja jalan-jalan ambil angin"

_

"Banyaknya kereta"

"Weekend. KPM ada event sampai esok"

_

"Mesti la ada bilik kosong"

"Kita tak bawa baju"

"Abang dah bawa"

"Plan awal?"

"Tak plan pun"

_

"Hmm nak minta izin hmm boleh ke?"

"Kalau tak boleh?"

"Abang tak paksa. Kita boleh sembang-sembang…hmm…tapi abang tak nak sembang-sembang"

"Abang"

"Hmm?"

"Apa beza kita dengan dinosaur?"

"Ha? Dinosaur?"

"Iye"

"Kenapa dinosaur?"

"Hey, hot stuff. Go take a shower. Now"

"Did you just call me handsome?"

"No"

"I’m pretty sure I heard you say handsome"

"Nooo"

"I am handsome"

"Confidence is cute"

"I’m inexplicably charming. You can barely move or breathe when I’m near…you’ll begging me not to stop. I’ll take you beyond the galaxy"

"Impress me"

"Challenge accepted!"

_

Tenggelam dalam syurga dunia. 

Resort, Selangor

20260412

"Bang"

"Ha"

"Tidur depan sana"

"Abang nak teman Ara masak"

_

"Menung apa, bang?"

"Tak ada apa"

"Rindu orang jauh?"

"Orang dah bahagia…nak rindu apa, Ra…"

_

"Apa jadi ending cerita tu?"

"Sama macam mimpi abang tapi Ali tak bersama Asmida"

"Waheeda kawin dengan Fahim?"

"Ha'a"

"Kenapa Asmida buang Ali?"

"Dia macam nak Fahim semula. Before tu Ali nak Waheeda. Asmida cakap macam-macam pasal anak Ali. Hangin member"

"Ali hilang dua-dua?"

"Ha'a. Kenapa ending macam tu?"

"Memang macam tu. Susah nak explain"

_

"Dah habis masak panggil abang"

"Tidur tau"

"Ha"

_

"Katanya nak tidur?"

"Habis dah masak?"

"Dah"

"Duduk sini kejab"

_

"Tak payahlah, bang"

"Penat masak. Kaki lenguh tu"

_

"Bang…"

"Dah lena dia"

"Mengantuk…penat emosi…"

"Hmm…sorry, Ra…"

_

"Abang tak pergi masjid?"

"Kita jemaah sama-sama"

"Abang"

"Hmm"

"Bahu sengal"

"Meh sini abang urut"

_

"Urut sangat"

"Pakej"

_

"Posmen tak hantar surat. Office dah tutup"

"Norway ke Denmark dah tutup post office"

"Hihihihi"

"Alaa apa yang salah?"

"Kita nak surat cinta"

"Ooo cakap la nak surat. Abang tulis separuh-separuh lepas tu tinggal"

"Habiskan"

_

"Dalam perancangan ada"

"Kita acam minat Scandinavian design"

"Aih, ada baby ke? Tak pernah-pernah minat Scandinavia"

"Garden dia macam cantik"

"Rumah abang dulu guna konsep Japanese garden. Cuba dekat rumah sendiri sebelum kembangkan"

"Jepun tak minat"

"Abang pun tak berapa sangat. Survey untuk kakak angkat ke?"

"Acam mana tahu? Hihihihi"

_

"Keluar pukul 4. Takkan nak datang macam tetamu"

"Kita dah info awal abang balik rini so kita datang lambat cikit"

"Tak manis pulak sampai makan terus tak tolong apa"

"Emang tak reti penat"

"Jom la. Kita pergi awal. Bawa beg kita siap sana"

_

"Lega dapat pakai spender"

"Apa yang beza?"

"Selesa. Ala bra pun ada macam-macam jenis. Sama la"

"Pakai warna apa?"

"Koko hehehe"

_

"Kajian menunjukan pakai boxer tinggi sperm concentration dan tinggi total sperm count tapi tu bukan satu-satu faktor kesuburan. Kesan dia sikit je kalau tak pakai. Yang penting jangan pakai ketat"

"Tak pernah mengaku kalah"

"Dah kajian cakap macam tu. Ara jangan risau, abang jaga dengan baik. Kalau setakat pakai boxer tapi tak masuk gym, weight tak angkat, kayuh basikal malas, lari jauh sekali, makan tak jaga — masuk umur 40 kiok"

"Fine. Abang terbaik"

"Yeahhhhhh!"

"Tak habis pasal boxer"

"Memang la. Tu penting"

Rumah Kita

20260411

"Kalau Ara dah siapkan, tak payah abang kemas beg"

"Not sure you’ll actually wear those"

"Biasa abang pakai. Ada sekali dua je tak"

"Tak apa, abang. Ara tak kisah"

_

"Abang, Ara nak minta izin balik rumah Baba"

"Kenapa nak balik sana? Abang pergi sekejab je kerja"

"Kadang-kadang berpisah sementara itu lebih baik. Ara perlu masa untuk stabilkan emosi"

"Abang tak pergi kerja pun tak apa tapi abang ada kerja penting. Ara jangan macam ni. Abang tahu abang salah"

"Don’t overthink, Tiger"

"Hmm…"

"The real problem isn’t the answer. It’s facing it"

"Siapa yang bodoh buat cerita tu menyusahkan orang betul. Tak pasal-pasal jadi macam ni"

_

"Ara bagi abang keluarga, Ara bagi abang anak. Abang tak nak hilang Ara. Salah abang cuma abang minta Ara jangan buang abang. Abang tahu Ara penat dengan abang, masalah yang sama berulang-ulang. Abang tahu Ara banyak bersabar dengan abang. Abang tahu Ara banyak makan hati tapi…jangan buat keputusan tinggalkan abang"

"Suka fikir jauh sangat"

"Abang lahir sebatang kara, abang membesar tak ada keluarga. Ara sahabat karib abang, keluarga abang, kekasih abang, suri hati abang, kebahagiaan abang"

05042026

"Kartun pun seksi"

"Itu aje abang nampak?"

"Ha la. Dah mata lelaki nak tengok apa lagi benda depan mata"

"Kita suruh tengok laki"

"Ohhh hahaha ingat suruh tengok apa"

"Lambattt"

"Entah otak pergi ke mana"

"Emang time ni semua pasal abang naik"

"Apa yang naik?"

"Abanggggg. Eee dah la"

"Apa yang naik? Punai abang ke?"

"Merepek apa, bang? Acam hisap Dunlop aje"

"Yela apa yang naik?"

"Takde apalah"

"Pulak"

_

"Ooo haaa faham-faham hahahaha. Adui"

"Lepas 4 jam fahamnya"

"Lama tak urut kaki Ara"

"Urut ke apa ntah senanya"

"Hahahahahaha"

Panggilan telefon

07042026

"Yeah, things are rough here, but your voice makes it feel better"

"Abang okey? Kenapa nafas?"

"Okey"

"Are you okay?"

"Dada sakit. Berat"

"Work stuff?"

"Projek banyak sangat masalah. Kiri kanan depan belakang"

"Sebab minyak?"

"Dan beberapa pertikaian lain"

"Abang dah berbuka?"

"Dah. Teh halia"

"Sedapnya"

"Ceroi"

"Lah"

"Ra, kejab lagi abang call. Ada orang"

_

"Tadi ada orang cari gaduh tapi abang tak ada mood. Abang biar je"

"Good boy. Acam tu laki yang baik. No gaduh-gaduh"

"Tapi lepas tu dia ajak lawan tangan. Lepas tu dia kalah. Dia tak puas hati"

"Lepas tu?"

"Dia bukak buah nak serang. Seluar Ara beli selesa. Boot pun sedap pakai"

"Abangggggg"

"Lepas tu abang gerak balik. Mandi, solat, gerak pergi office. Ada meeting 11 malam - 3 pagi"

Panggilan telefon

08042026

Other than books, I enjoy watching films, especially those from the Middle East. I also love East Asian films, particularly because I appreciate their literature. I haven’t watched television for the past 12 years. I love films—the cinematography, the script, the locations, the actors, and the story. It all ended 12 years ago when a woman said to me, “Someone caught my attention…” Two strangers exchange a look. Their attraction turns into everlasting love. They get married, have children, and live the best life one could imagine. Perseverance and persistence make a great love story.

I miss watching films, enjoying my time on a lazy day, and experiencing stories from around the world. But in films, there is always a scene where two strangers look at each other with love. A look becomes a language. Two eyes meet, and something shifts. A pure opia moment. Eyes speak louder than anything in this world. Arthur Aron’s study found that eye contact can synchronize heart rhythms and brain activity. Four seconds of eye contact is enough to make someone fall in love. Pretty eyes can capture a man’s heart. In a heartbeat, the world can turn around. 

I stopped watching films. I stopped enjoying life. I stopped living. I was just breathing.

Just a random thought as I passed by a cinema today.

Wednesday,

April 8, 2026

Mumbai, India

In the garden of love,

my heart is a prisoner of longing,

forever bound to a beauty that remains just beyond reach.

— Unknown Writer

Personal Record

August 27, 2024

Japan is advancing solar energy innovation through Canon Inc.’s development of perovskite solar panels, a next-generation technology that offers the potential for more efficient and cost-effective energy production. Unlike conventional silicon-based panels, these systems utilize perovskite cells, a breakthrough associated with Tsutomu Miyasaka, which are known for their flexibility and high performance under diverse conditions.

To address durability challenges, Canon has engineered a protective material designed to shield the panels from moisture and heat, two key factors that typically limit lifespan. This advancement is expected to improve long-term reliability while reducing maintenance requirements.

The company is targeting mass production by 2025, aligning with broader national efforts supported by the Japanese government to accelerate renewable energy adoption. Looking ahead, perovskite solar technology is projected to play a significant role in expanding solar capacity and may eventually rival or exceed traditional photovoltaic systems as the technology matures toward 2050.

Personal Notes

Source: Unverified

Date: August 16, 2024

Why do you occupy my mind so constantly, keeping me thinking of you at all times?

_

In shadows deep where moonlight fades,

My heart, a weary wanderer, wades.

Across the sands of time and woe,

Where tears of longing ceaseless flow.

Your absence, like a piercing knife,

Cuts through the fabric of my life.

Each star a witness to my pain,

In silence, I call your name in vain.

The desert winds, they whisper soft,

Of love that once did lift aloft.

Now lost in dreams, a distant shore,

Where hope and sorrow intertwine once more.

Forever lost, I chase the night,

In endless search for morning light.

Yet in my chest, a hollow space,

Where once resided your embrace.

— Qais ibn al-Mulawwah

Personal Record

August 26, 2024 — 7:17 a.m.

Flower Shovel (꽃삽)

Lee Hae-in

“With a flower shovel, I dig the earth,

Planting seeds of hope,

In the garden of my heart.”

Personal Record

November 3, 2024

"Ra, abang tak sengaja"

"I have a bone to pick with you"

"Abang mamai tadi. Sorry"

"Abang masih ada perasaan dekat dia?"

"Ara, salah abang. Abang minta maaf"

"Abang masih sayang dia?"

"Ra"

"Kenapa abang tak jawab?"

_

"Kenapa mengejut bangkitkan hal ni? Sebab baby tu? Bukan anak abang. Kalau nak buat ujian DNA tak boleh. Abang tak nak ganggu keharmonian rumah tangga orang"

"Macam mana dengan keharmonian rumah tangga kita?

_

"Ara percaya anak abang?"

"……………"

"Kita tamatkan dekat sini, boleh? Memang salah abang. Abang kalah dengan ujian"

_

"Lipstick ex abang color apa?"

"Kenapa?"

"Color apa, abang?"

"Dia tak pakai lipstick"

"Lipstick siapa dekat baju abang?"

"Ha? Eh? Mana? Tengok sini"

"Siapa puny?"

"Abang tak tahu macam mana ada situ"

"Seriously?"

"Betul, abang tak tahu"

_

"Abang jumpa dengan perempuan tu? Berapa banyak perempuan abang ada?"

"Tak ada. Tak jumpa siapa"

_

"Baju ni pakai malam dekat office. Dalam bilik tak ada CCTV. Nanti abang check CCTV koridor"

"Mmm……okey"

_

"Ra, bangun"

"Tak nak"

"Bangun. Kita solat"

_

"Mandi dengan abang nak?"

"Tak nak"

"Cepat. Lepas tu ambil wuduk"

_

"Tak nak salam abang?"

"Tak nak"

"Sini la. Apa marah-marah abang. Esok abang nak pergi kerja. Meh peluk sikit"

"Tak nak"

_

"Abang, lepas"

"Sekejab"

"Lepas abang"

"Tak boleh"

_

"Kenapa Ara sangsi dengan abang? Apa yang abang dah buat?"

"………………"

_

"Wa kafā billāhi shahīdā. Cukup Allah sebagai saksi"

"Ara percaya abang… tapi hati Ara…mmm"

_

"Abang bukan tak nak jawab. Abang tak nak singgung hati Ara. Abang tak nak cerita lama rosakkan apa yang kita ada. Abang dah berdamai dengan takdir, dah redha, dah ikhlaskan tapi abang stuck"

"Abang masih sayang dia?"

"Tak tahu, Ara. Sama ada yang abang ingat nostalgia atau orangnya. Banyak kajian abang baca tapi belum jumpa jawapan"

_

"Macam mana Ara tahu?"

"Ketika Allah hadirkan rasa aman dan tenang, maka Allah hadirkan rasa mengantuk. You’ve been sleeping more. It made me feel like someone else gave you something I couldn’t. That’s when I started to wonder. But I didn’t say anything… you’ve been tired for so long"

"You give me calmness, but my mind crashes. It keeps going back to what she did… with him. I’ve tried to fix it, tried to move on… but it’s not working"

_

"Thank you for being honest with me. It hurts, but I appreciate it"

"……………"

"I do want you to be happy… but she’s still someone else’s wife, and…"

"I live with you. You know me inside and out. Some chapters are better left unfinished. Most things that stop halfway, if you force them to continue, end the same way"

"Belum cuba, belum tahu, abang"

"Abang dah ada Ara. Cukup. Titik"

Singapura

04042026

اللهم اشرح لي صدر

Allāhumma ishraḥ lī ṣadrī

O Allah, expand my chest for me

ويسر لي أمري

Wa yassir lī amrī

And make my affairs easy for me

واجبر كسر قلبي

Wajbur kasra qalbī

And mend the brokenness of my heart

واربط على قلبي

Warbiṭ ‘alā qalbī

And make my heart firm and steadfast

وعوضني خيرًا مما فقدت

Wa ‘awwiḍnī khayran mimmā faqadt

And grant me something better than what I have lost

فإنك أنت الجبار الرحيم

Fa innaka anta al-Jabbār al-Raḥīm

For You are the Restorer, the Most Merciful

"Yang seksi tu tak ada apa pun. Dia kan macam tak pernah ada masalah. Yang satu lagi ni. Tudung labuh, pakai jubah. Abang tak berapa suka dia"

"Sebab?"

"Dia try abang"

"Cantik tak?"

"Umur 20 tapi daring. Tapi tu la, abang kan perkasa. Mana goyang kena goda"

"Kecuali dengan cinta pertama"

"Ra"

"Acam ibu Ali cakap "Ali takkan tunduk dengan perempuan lain, Eda, kecuali Asmida". Cinta pertama berhantu"

"Ara mula, lepas tu mula la"

"Ibu Ali cakap bukan kita"

_

"Dia cakap warna kemeja tak sesuai dengan seluar"

"Abang pakai color apa?"

"Dark green + khaki + beige blazer

"Astu apa masalah?"

"Entah dia"

_

"Masa turun makan dengan budak bambam tu, abang ajak Widad"

"Widad acam mana?"

"Nampak tak okey"

"Sian dia. Acam boleh jadi gila kalau fikir"

"Yela. Tunang kawin dengan rakan sekerja"

"Perangai acam tiang jamban"

Panggilan telefon

01042026

"Abang, bangun. Kenapa tidur sini?"

"Tunggu Kajang…"

_

Habislah aku…hmm…

Rumah Mak Ucu

03062026, 5:45 petang

"Bang, ritu abang cakap Kajang pregnant, kan?"

"Ha"

"Baby boy ke girl?"

"Tak pasti. Kenapa?"

"Kita acam fikir acam mana nak pastikan baby siapa"

"Anak laki dia la"

"Acam mana nak confirm?"

"Takkan nak suruh buat ujian DNA macam Ali"

"Astu acam mana nak sahkan?"

"Bukan anak abang"

"Kalau anak abang acam mana?"

"Abang tak nak rosakkan rumah tangga orang. Jangan timbulkan benda yang tak ada. Nanti laki dia syak was sangka habis semua. Hal anak bukan benda main-main"

"Kita nak pastikan aje"

"Abang dah pernah minta baby tu dulu tapi dia tak bagi"

"Means anak abang, kan?"

"Dia tak bersedia tambah anak. Abang cakap kalau tak nak bagi abang. Tu je"

"Acam nak percaya acam tak"

"Ujian DNA abang tak boleh buat. Muktamad"

"Kita isytihar perang"

"Layan drama lepas tu mula la"

_

"Hari tu dah janji kan tak buat silent treatment"

"Acam lupa"

_

"Abang penat. Kejab lagi gaduh"

"Tak nak"

"Ara gaduh dengan dinding"

"Kenapa tak nak DNA test?"

"Tak ada keperluan"

"Astu bila ada keperluan?"

"Takkan ada"

_

"Abang tinggalkan dia macam tu je lepas kena sound. Abang tak nak panjang cerita. Abang diam macam pengecut. Kalau balas nanti panjang. Abang tahu abang curang. Abang minta maaf. Abang sendiri tak dapat terima kenyataan abang curang"

"Abang rasa Ara dapat terima?"

"Kenapa lepas 2 tahun Ara nak bangkitkan?"

"Sebab tiba-tiba abang nak stay KL"

"Abang rindu KL"

"Bukan dia?"

"Ara betul-betul nak gaduh tunggu abang balik. Sekarang abang kerja"

Panggilan telefon

02042026

"Teringin nak pakai burnt orange tapi tak boleh sama macam brick orange. Abang dah rujuk fatwa, kuning terang tak boleh. Soft yellow, mustard, khaki boleh"

"Kenapa tak boleh?"

"Dari segi hukum, makruh kalau lelaki pakai sebab sifatnya mencolok mata. Larangan bertujuan untuk menjauhi sikap berhias berlebihan dan menunjuk-nunjuk. Kalau warna tu sengaja di celup dengan bahan pewarna terang macam safron memang tak boleh. Satu lagi sebab, lelaki dilarang pakai warna yang dikhususkan untuk perempuan macam warna orange selain tak boleh pakai warna yang menyerupai agama lain"

"Astu acam mana Allah tak sayang? Babtu banyak ujian"

"Mandai je"

"Acam untungnya kita bersuamikan abang"

"Kan, dah la handsome, bergaya, wangi pulak, tinggi, badan ketak-ketak, tangan ada urat, rambut lawa, suara sedap, rajin pergi masjid, selalu puasa sunat, pandai main muzik, rajin. DIY pun reti. Tulis surat cinta pun power. Pakej lengkap. Fuh!"

"Tak pernah penat puji diri kannnn"

"Hahahahaha"

"Tapi yang buat kita jatuh cinta berkali-kali…sebab…cara abang jaga kita, cara abang hormat kita, cara abang letakkan Tuhan di atas segalanya. Hati tenang. Akhlak terjaga. Waktu orang lena, abang bangun sembahyang. Waktu orang lalai, abang ingatkan dengan lembut. Handsome tu bonus…errr tak. Handsome tu wajib. Kita suka laki handsome hihihi"

"Kira abang handsome la, kan?"

"Abang rasa?"

"Mesti la handsome"

"Astu jaga hati. Jangan terlanjur mencintai yang haram"

"Amboi, deep"

27032026

"Tadi berbuka abang makan Ara. Sedap"

"Apa, bang?"

"Makan ayam silap pulak makan Ara hehehe"

"Mengada tau"

"How's your day?"

"Good, steady. Nothing dramatic"

"Anything make you smile today?"

"Kembar baik astu rumah tak cepah. Hati kita aje cepah sana sini rindu abang"

"Amboi"

Panggilan telefon

31032026