Saturday, May 30, 2026
Thursday, May 28, 2026
I was sitting on the rooftop, looking at the night sky, thinking about you. That little corner still holds memories I keep close. Then I heard a car door. I climbed down and saw Huda standing near the gate. I was shocked to see her there.
Tonight, I climbed up there again with coffee. It’s 4 a.m. now. Everyone is asleep. The sky is bright, and for the first time in a long while, I looked up at the moon and truly admired her beauty. The moon is beautiful, just like you.
I watched a few scenes from Puteri Gunung Ledang — not the full film. First the Keraton dance, then Bisik Batin. M. Nasir played Hang Tuah in the film version, while Stephen Rahman played him in the theatre production. You really adored him. I got jealous.
Before that, I was listening to “Tinggi-tinggi Gunung Kinabalu, tinggi lagi sayang sama kamu.” Earlier, my wife sent me a video of a Sumandak dancing to several traditional Sabah dances with the song playing in the background.
Then the playlist moved to Shanon Shah’s Dilanda Cinta, and later Kuimpikan Bintang by Sean Ghazi. Did you ever send me one of his songs before? It sounded so familiar, but I can’t remember any of them. My memories betray me.
I wish I could talk to you about Huda. To ask for advice or guidance. She’s been crying all day. I want to contact you, but I know I can’t, even though every part of me still wants to. How has your Eid been so far? I hope everything is good on your side.
I should probably climb down before my wife wakes up. She already warned me not to sit up here at night. But this rooftop feels calm… almost like sitting beside you for a little while, listening to your stories or your heartbeat.
I miss you, sayang. I miss you so much.
Wednesday, May 27, 2026
Pagi raya
Daddy: Kenapa balik tak bagitahu? Daddy boleh ambil dekat airport
Kakak: *menangis*
Daddy: What's wrong?
Kakak: I can’t continue my studies. I dropped out
Daddy: Kakak berhenti belajar?
Kakak: *angguk*
Daddy: Okey
Kakak: You’re not disappointed?
Daddy: You tried your best. It’s okay. We’ll talk about it later
Kakak: Daddy, I’m so sorry,… I legit feel like I failed you
Daddy: I’m always proud of you. You’re doing good
"Kenapa abang kawin dengan kita? Abang kan sayang Kajang"
"Kenapa?"
"Abang okey aje kan kalau kita mati. Kan?"
_
"Kenapa ni?"
"Kita terfikir. Senanya dah lama fikir. Abang kan tak nak dia mati"
_
"…abang tak faham Ara nak apa dari abang"
"Kita pun acam tak faham diri sendiri"
_
"Ara tak bahagia dengan abang? Cuba cakap jujur"
"Bahagia aje"
_
"Kalau Ara tak happy dengan abang, bagitahu macam mana abang nak perbaiki. Abang dah cuba bahagiakan Ara…tapi kalau Ara tak bahagia…cakaplah. Kita bincang"
"I’m tired of competing with memories"
_
"Kalau Ara tak bahagia…jangan paksa diri. Jangan seksa diri. Abang nak Ara happy"
"I feel like you’re not scared of losing me"
"Siapa cakap?"
_
"I’m too drained to discuss right now, but I’m willing to save our relationship if it’s on the brink. I feel like I’ve tried to convince you, but I failed. The ball is in your court. I can’t make the decision for you"
"You’re giving up on us?"
"I never regret sharing my life with you, but if I keep hurting you in any way, I feel terrible. I want you to be happy. Your happiness matters more to me than my own. We can’t keep living together if I continue hurting you"
_
"Ara…bangun…kita solat sama"
"Sekarang pukul berapa, abang?"
"3.10"
_
"Kita nak bincang apa-apa?"
"Tak"
"Lapar?"
"Tak"
_
"Abang tahu abang buat salah yang di sengajakan. Sesiapa pun tak boleh maafkan kesalahan macam tu. Ara mungkin dah tak percayakan abang…hmm…salah abang…"
"I’m not sure what’s wrong with me, I feel like I’m overreacting"
"Abang ada sepanjang malam untuk dengar apa Ara nak cakap"
20260521
"Solat berjemaah dengan syarat lima waktu di masjid selama 40 hari. Wajib dapatkan Takbiratul Ihram pertama bersama imam. Kalau masbuk atau pada rakaat kedua tidak dikira"
"Syarat siapa bang?"
"Bapak mentua abang"
"Siapa?"
"Berapa banyak mentua abang ada, Ra?"
"Satu"
"Habis tu?"
_
"Baba tanya je. Tak wajib pun"
"Astu lulus ke acane? Tak fahamlah"
"Dah makan ke belum?"
"Belummmm"
"Tu sebabnya"
"Goreng ikan… abangggg"
"Eyyy"
"Hihihihihi"
_
"Ada fikir Kajang tak?"
"Bosan je cari gaduh dengan abang"
"Kita tanya aje"
"Tak nak fikir. Bini orang. Fikir bini sendiri nak cari gaduh apa hari ni"
"Jahat tau"
_
"Abang pernah dengar tak "A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her — Oscar Wilde""
"Dapat dah tajuk"
"Wilde suggests that romantic love brings chaos and vulnerability, whereas a lack of love allows for superficial contentment and stability"
"Betul dalam situasi tertentu"
"Macam abang sayang kita, kan?"
"Tak"
Panggilan telefon
20260511
"Tu la abang lambat jumpa Ara. Kalau jumpa cepat pun, abang macam ni jugak. Mata tak berapa nampak. Insecure lebih, jealous memanjang"
"Dia tak rasa ke dia orang ketiga? Nampak sangat ambil kesempatan"
"Biasa la oportunis. Pantang ada peluang. Tapi salah perempuan. Dah tahu bini orang layan pergi layan. Mana laki tak panas hati. Ending dengan ex ke laki dia? Mesti laki dia. Takkan nak pilih ex. Biasa kalau dah kawin, mesti pilih yang kita dah kawin. Tak pilih dah ex"
_
"Orang kalau nak pergi, dia pergi je. Dia tak tengok keadaan kita. Bukan sebab dia tak sayang atau tak ada hati perut…sebab kadang-kadang… stay lebih menyakitkan…untuk kedua-dua pihak. Kita kena faham, tak semua yang berpisah sebab tak sayang. Banyak yang berpisah sebab terlalu sayang tapi keadaan tak menyebelahi kita. Keadaan yang memaksa. Pergi dalam keadaan masih sayang itu menyakitkan"
"That’s why people say love can’t fix everything"
_
"Alaaa betul. Nayla pilih Firdaus. Ex terpaksa kekal ex"
"Drama Melayu. Dah orang ada bini datang lagi apa benda. Datang pulak waktu hujan huuuu orang tengah syahdu buat anak, dia sibuk"
"Merepek aje scene tu"
"'Awak menyesal? Abang tak menyesal'. Memang la, dah sedap tanya lagi hahahaha. Terus terrujuk tanpa sengaja"
20260524
"Ra, jom mandi sungai"
"Tak nak. Sejuk"
_
"Aduuu orang nak mandi dia ada pulak"
"Siapa?"
"Bawa anak apa dah malam. Tepuk la anak tu jangan bagi nangis"
"Bab tu kita tak nak"
_
"Jangan la bergayut atas ni. Dalam ni ada budak kang budak takut. Pergi duduk atas gunung bawa anak sekali"
"Abang bebel tu dia dengar tak masalahnya"
"Pergi sana. Sana ada banyak pokok besar. Jangan kacau sini. Haa duduk sana tahu"
_
"Ada lagi tak?"
"Tak dengar pun"
"Dah kot. Anak menangis tu bawa la jauh sikit"
"Tu la pasal"
20260525
Monday, May 25, 2026
Imran Handsome
- : This is a hyphen
– : This is an en dash
— : This is an em dash
👨: This is Imran Handsome
20260405
Monster
"Monster kacau teruk. Tu balik tak minta"
"Kita macam sus tapi hold nak tanya. Monster buat apa?"
"Bisik Kajang berseronok dengan laki dia atas katil. Moaning apa semua tu"
*peluk*
"Abang okey dah"
_
"Ra, sini kejab"
"…………"
"Nak peluk. Abang minta maaf cakap berambus ke apa hari tu. Abang tak boleh move on dari benda tu. Abang minta maaf, Ara"
"Kita dah lupa. Lama dah, kan?"
"Abang tak boleh lupa…abang rasa abang jahat sangat sampai cakap macam tu…"
"Kita yang provok abang"
"Tapi salah abang. Abang tak jaga tutur kata"
"Lupakan, sayang"
20260524
Anak kecil
"Abang okey?"
"Abang happy ada anak kecik. Seronok betul minggu ni. Tengok kembar buat art, bercerita, pergi sana pergi sini. Terima kasih bagi abang anak"
"Kita tengok abang lain aje. Risau tau"
_
"Tadi abang baca orang tulis kena lebih menghargai isteri"
"Abang okey tak ni?"
"Okey"
"Penat tak?"
"Penat jugak"
"Astu rehat, bang. Kembar dah tidur"
"Abang tengok je. Kang kalau bunyi terjaga"
"Tak terbangun. Masing-masing dah sampai bulan"
"Eh?"
"Iye, bang"
"Lambat nak siang"
"Orang tua ni kan. Masuk bilik sana"
"Ha"
_
"Ra, haa tadi pasal kena lebih menghargai isteri"
"Kenapa, bang?"
"Abang nak mandi? Nak ikut?"
"Haaaaaa haaaaaa"
"Hehehehehe boleh?"
*senyum*
"2 boleh? 3 lah. 3 round"
_
"Orang baru nak cakap degar-degar"
"Skip the talking stage, baby"
"I know…you miss it growing inside you. Moving slow at first, then faster, becoming rougher"
"Really?"
"Yeah"
"Then what are you waiting for?"
_
"Terima kasih daun keladi, esok lusa nak lagi hehehe"
"Mengada"
20260524
Thursday, May 21, 2026
Tindih
"Jangan tindih kita"
"Bila? Abang baring elok je tepi ni"
"Meminta di tindih hihihi"
"……………"
"Loading ke, bang?"
"Hahahaha yela slow sikit"
April, 2026
"Bila? Abang baring elok je tepi ni"
"Meminta di tindih hihihi"
"……………"
"Loading ke, bang?"
"Hahahaha yela slow sikit"
April, 2026
Nota paling ringkas
"Hai Ara. Abang dah sampai"
"Banggggg"
"Simple betul nota kali ni eh. Tekap bibir je. Buka coklat nak makan…ehhh. Amboi, merah menyala lipstick"
"Sedap tak?"
"Apa?"
"Coklat, bangggg"
"Sedap la dah dark chocolate"
"Hihihihi"
"Kang mengeras tak jadi apa"
"Apa yang mengeras, bang?"
"Buat tanya"
"Hihihihi alaaaa"
"Tunggu la abang balik"
"Tak sabar sangat"
"Tengok tu"
"Happy working, darling"
"Habis la abang"
"Fokus, bang"
"Dia buat hilang fokus lepas tu suruh fokus"
Panggilan telefon
Mei, 2026
27 April — 3 May
MON–WED
Island trip: Jet skiing | Kayaking | Snorkelling | Boat rides | Sunset views
THU
AM: Biodiversity Exhibition @ Rimba Ilmu + Halaman Bookstore
EV: Squash (Umar & Adam)
FRI
AM: Visit Ummi’s grave
NOON: Jumu’ah
NIGHT: Dinner with in-laws
SAT
DAWN: Recite al-Ma’thurat
AM: Imam al-Ghazali Lecture Series @ Kajang
PM: Collector’s Picks @ Amcorp Mall
NIGHT: Dinner with BB
SUN (All)
DAWN: Recite Ratib al-Aidrus
AM: Gardening | Earthing
NOON: Cooking
PM: Jamming
NIGHT: Recite Surah Ar-Rahman
Wednesday, May 20, 2026
Sahur
Oat + telur suku masak 5 biji + kurma Ajma 1 biji + habbatussauda + madu + air masak
_
"Bang"
"Hmm?"
"Kaki abang"
"Kenapa?"
"Nothing"
_
You & me. Legs touching under table
Buka puasa
Nasi putih padi huma, gulai tempoyak ikan kembung, brokoli kukus, telur mata, sambal belacan, pucuk betik, buah naga.
_
"Tambah, bang"
"3 pinggan dah, Ra. Kenyang"
_
"Kerja okey?"
"Okey. Semua okey"
_
"Penat?"
"Haah…"
_
"Terima kasih, Ara…masak. Sedap. Semua sedap"
"Seronok tengok abang makan"
"Sini tangan. Lama tak tengok jari. Lama tak cium jari rajin masak sedap ni"
_
"Ara urut…Abang dah ngantuk"
"It’s a good time to rest your body and mind"
_
"Ara"
"Tidur, bang"
_
Sampai KLIA 6 petang. Sampai rumah 7.30 petang. Buka puasa 1 Zulhijjah bersama Ara dan anak-anak.
Tuesday, May 19, 2026
Tak minat
"Ramai laki jawab dekat komen 2,4,6"
"Yela laki suka yang berisi"
"Serius?"
"Laki semua suka. Sebelum kawin, nak yang lawa. Dah kawin, nak yang pandai urus rumah tangga. Tu Islam bagi kawin 4. Melengkapi kekurangan. Sebelum kawin nak kepuasan luaran. Dah kawin baru tahu lawa kalau tak berfungsi tak ada guna"
"So, pilihan abang?"
"1 dengan 5 tak minat. 1 keding peluk tak sedap. Ada cakap segi tiga kecik, nipis hahahahaha"
"5?"
"Pendek, kurus tak minat"
"Sebab?"
"Tak ada sebab. Dah tak minat. Ada orang kata takut masuk tak muat hahahahahahahahaha"
"Abangggggg! Ke situ aje"
"Apa? Orang cakap, bukan abang"
20260502
Monday, May 18, 2026
Berasingan
"Naik kereta asing tak guarentee tak jadi apa tapi sekurang-kurangnya boleh kurangkan risiko sama ada kena bunuh / perkosa dalam kereta"
"Betul"
"Tu sebab abang cakap, nak keluar ke dating ke apa naik kereta asing. Kita tak tahu apa akan jadi. Mood manusia cepat berubah. Kadang benda kecil boleh meletop. Kurang-kurang kalau drive sendiri ada peluang larikan diri"
"Kesian sangat…manusia sekarang dah gila"
"Setengah laki memang ada perangai aku tak dapat, orang lain pun dapat. Orang laki kalau cemburu memang selalu akhir dekat tali gantung asalkan hati puas. Tu bahaya kalau tak dapat kawal hati"
_
"Sebab tu orang perempuan jangan mudah sangat ikut laki. Bukan suruh jual mahal, tapi tegas sikit. Sebelum kawin, kalau boleh elakkan naik kereta sama. Selain elak maksiat, nak elak jugak tawar lepas kawin. Dah biasa naik sama. Dah kawin tak rasa beza sebab dah biasa kulu-kilir"
"Manis sangat first time naik kereta suami acam wanginya diaaa. Maksud kita kereta dia hihihi"
_
"Men are dangerous animals. Falling in love is a phenomenon of attention. Sebab perempuan dah bagi perhatian, perhatian dekat sini bukan yang kita faham tu, ni lain. In falling in love, one’s attention becomes voluntarily focused upon another person. Laki pulak, bila dia tengok dapat perhatian — dia mara selangkah. Ajak keluar minum. Cari apa-apa alasan. Alasan bodoh pun tak apa asalkan dapat keluar sama. Simple gesture kadang boleh jadi alasan. Laki jatuh cinta dalam masa 4 saat. Lepas 4 saat, dia dah proses untuk dekat dengan perempuan. Tak menyabar. Dari situlah semuanya bermula. Nak tackle perempuan bukan susah pun"
"Really?"
"Bagi abang la sebab abang kan handsome"
"Laaa itu aje point dia"
"Ha la. Dalam proses jatuh cinta libatkan 3 perkara. Pertama sekali attraction. Mesti kena ada physical attraction. Abang ni kan, senyum je, belum buka mulut orang dah suka"
"Berapa tan angkat bakul sendiri tu?"
"Kejab-kejab. Ha ni ha "I have so many options, but I saw you once and decided yes, this one" Fuuuuuuuh!"
"Eeeeeee! Tak kira. Not fair!"
"Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah"
_
"Dah habis?"
"Dah hehehehehe"
"Abangggggggg! Benci la!"
20260502
Sunday, May 17, 2026
Late-night letter
Lisbon — 16 May
I miss you. Thinking about you. Reading an email. Rereading old conversation—
“Satu masa nanti, awak pun kena lepaskan abang. Macam mana abang lepaskan awak dulu, macam tu la awak kena buat. Tuhan ajar kita untuk bercinta. Tuhan juga ajar kita untuk melepaskan”
“Melepaskan yang macamana...Kalau tak berjodoh...kenapa hati ni degil....”
(16 May 2024)
I shouldn’t rewind and replay those memories. I should store them somewhere far beyond my reach. But the feelings still come. Sometimes they arrive slowly, sometimes all at once. Not talking to you has been the hardest part of everything I’ve had to carry.
You know… honestly, sometimes you didn’t really treat me well, but I never truly cared. I just loved loving you. And if it was never returned in the same way, that was fine too. You became a part of me, like salt in the sea. It is inseparable.
Good night, love. I’m still working.
Sleep tight in his arms.
Saturday, May 16, 2026
Jangan fikir
"Hmm…dah seminggu lebih benda ni dalam otak abang…"
"Fikir apa, abang?"
"Tak fikir. Datang sendiri. Hmm…Kajang mesti banyak video…tangkap gambar dengan laki dia kan…"
"Ha'a. Laki dia kan, bang?"
"Ha…"
"Abang sedih? Jealous?"
"Tak"
"Abang…stay strong, okay?"
"Abang tak jealous…tak sedih. Tak ada rasa. Monster kot"
"Tiger"
"Hmm"
"Jangan layan"
"Okey"
_
"Ra, abang dah okey"
"Sibbaik. Kita dah siap asah parang"
"Amboi, garang"
"Jangan usik laki kita. Nahassss"
"Sayang sungguh laki eh"
"Mesti laaaa"
"Hehehehe"
"Abang…nak duit"
"Hahahahahahahaha"
"Alaaaaa jahat"
20260513
Friday, May 15, 2026
14 May 2026
Lisbon — 14 May 2026
Felt good today.
Attended three meetings. Wore a new colour combination — a salmon shirt, beige trousers, and tan loafers. Broke my fast with coconut water and Sardinhas Assadas. Ate only a little — too spicy. Later tonight, I read a heartbreaking report from India: a woman was allegedly assaulted on a moving bus by the driver and conductor. Despite serious injuries, she reportedly refused hospital treatment because nobody was home to cook for her children.
Thursday, May 14, 2026
13 May 2026
Lisbon — 13 May 2026
Nineteen-hour workdays all week. Only pauses for prayer, sleep, showers. Third day of my 72-hour fast.
Somewhere between deadlines, I sent my wife a quote: ‘My heart talks about nothing but you.’ — Albert Camus
May Allah SWT always keep her safe.
_
"Okey, Ra. Abang nak sambung kerja"
"Bye, abang"
"Bye"
"Abang"
"Hmm?"
"Terima kasih tau kerja tak berhenti untuk keluarga kita"
"Abang takkan mampu buat semua ni tanpa pengorbanan Ara… Terima kasih, Ara"
"Take care, abang"
"I just think… you are the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen. You are so beautiful"
"Bang"
"Hmm"
"I miss you"
"I miss you twice as much"
"I love you"
"I want to love you with joy and eagerness"
"Acam cair mmm"
"Tunggu abang balik eh"
"Setiap hari"
"Dekat office pasang lagu Chopin Nocturne"
"Try dengar Nocturne in C-sharp Minor"
"Okey"
"Bye, abang"
Saturday, May 09, 2026
Raysha
Daddy: Hari tu pergi snorkeling pakai gown. Tak pernah di buat orang turun laut pakai gown
Raysha: Acha nak cantik
Daddy: Daddy ni dahlah dah tua, nasib tak naik darah tinggi
Raysha: Kenapa?
Daddy: Dah Raysha buat benda pelik-pelik
Raysha: Tapi Acha nak cantik
20250501
Gentleness breeds gentleness
"Baru sekarang abang faham. A woman becomes soft because of the man in her life. Gentleness breeds gentleness"
"Lambatnya awak"
"Yela dah dapat 'kayu balak' hilang terus taring. Garang pun dah melayang mana hahahahaha"
"Ke situ jugak dia"
"Yela dah dapat belaian padu jadi kucing la dia. Aduuuu hahahahaha"
_
"Ara tipikal perempuan la kot. Sebelum kawin haih macam bunga. Ayu je, lembut je. Dah kawin, jadi singa utara hahahahaha tapi tak apa la laki tak kena marah"
"Acam sikit aje kita nak merebus 360°"
"Tak sayang laki eh"
"Sayang sangat"
"Hahahahahaha"
Panggilan telefon
Barcelona, Sepanyol
20–24 March 2026
Monday
Morning (Kids)
10:00 AM – 12:15 PM
KidZania Kuala Lumpur (max. 4 structured activities)
Afternoon (Spouse – Personal)
Salon appointment
Evening (Teens)
5:00 PM – 6:30 PM — Tennis
Night (Spouse)
10:00 PM onwards — Skincare & hammock reading
Tuesday
Morning (Kids)
10:00 AM – 12:00 PM
Petrosains Discovery Centre
Afternoon (Spouse)
❌ Cancelled: Tuesdate @ Kinokuniya Kuala Lumpur (no replacement)
Night (Teens)
9:00 PM – 10:15 PM — Mamak
Wednesday
Morning (Kids)
10:00 AM – 11:45 AM
Aquaria KLCC
Afternoon (Spouse – Personal)
Time with kakak angkat
Evening (Teens)
5:00 PM – 6:30 PM — Running
Night (Spouse)
10:00 PM onwards — Massage
Thursday
Morning (Kids)
10:00 AM – 12:00 PM
MoSAIC Museum of Arts Science & Innovation for Children
Evening (Spouse)
Horseback riding & sunset
Night (Teens)
9:00 PM – 10:15 PM
The Library by BookXcess
Friday
Morning (Kids)
10:30 AM – 11:30 AM
❌ Cancelled: Twigs Bookshop @ Sunway 163 Mall
→ Replacement: Kota Baca @ Dataran Merdeka
Evening (Kids + Teens)
5:00 PM – 6:00 PM — Swimming
Night (Family)
8:00 PM — Dinner with BB
Sunday, May 03, 2026
Deep love is meaningless
"Deep love is meaningless. What can deep love do for you? Nothing. People don’t care about your love. They want to breathe the same air as you, live with you, share the same toothbrush, hold your hand, lie next to you, surprise you with gifts or visits. They want presence. They don’t want someone caring from a distance. Spending years losing sleep just worrying about them. That doesn’t matter. People talk about effort and presence. No one talks about effort in absence. Do people even care that they can sleep peacefully because someone else is watching over them? Do they really care? No. Never. No one appreciates the army or the police who protect them… because they don’t see that effort. I don’t want any love. It’s just an illusion. There is no love in this world. I learned too late that people love you with their own terms and conditions. When I realized it, I had already drowned, unable to breathe, too helpless to live. So tell me… what is deep love really worth? I’m tired of trying to convince people of my love, my worth… until I just gave up and stopped caring. People dump what they don’t want. People won’t dump something priceless. They dump trash, and I’m one of that trash. Don’t talk to me about love. I hate it. I hate myself more. I hate everything. I’m just trash that you tried to build, and you ended up hurting yourself. Thank you for trying to save me… but I can’t be saved. I’m sorry for pulling you into my chaos. I’m really sorry…”
"I can’t fully understand what you’re feeling… but I know it hurts"
"I’m tired… of everything"
_
"Ara dengar apa?"
"Something worth listening to"
"Falsafah?"
"That’s for senior citizens"
"Takkan dengar ceramah agama?"
"Nooo"
_
"Ni peluk-peluk nak apa?"
"Nak cinta abang hihihi"
"Tak habis lagi"
"Tak pernah habis"
_
"Kenapa Ara dengar tu?"
"Because it’s real… honest… it feels human. And abang… you’re not empty. You’re just protecting yourself"
_
"Abang… I see what people don’t see. Your quiet effort… the way you love through sacrifice. Presence matters, and as humans, we chase what we can see and touch"
"Tahu. Faham"
"What you give, it matters too. More than you think"
"Apalah guna sayang…kalau tak dapat di buktikan…"
"Not everyone can carry love the way you do… and still stay kind. You’re one of the most beautiful souls I’ve ever met. So selfless… so rare. Thank you for letting me into your life"
_
"Ara nak ambil hati abang je kan…"
"Don’t you trust me?"
"I do…"
"It just feels like… all this time, you haven’t really let me in. You don’t give me the chance to truly know you. There’s always a little distance between us. Why is that…? Are you scared of getting hurt?”
"……………"
"I just wish I could hold you more… and feel closer to you all the time. Sometimes I feel like you’re a little far from me… even when you’re here. I know you show love through touch… but I just wish I could hold you more often. It feels like you keep a part of yourself away… like I can’t really reach you fully. Sometimes it feels like I’m only really close to you when things get intimate…"
"I can’t broach this topic. Can we talk later?"
"Sure, abang"
"Banyak sangat. Abang tak boleh proses"
_
"Ra, abang nyawa dulu ada banyak tapi sejak dengan Ara, nyawa ada satu je. Tak tahu mana nyawa yang banyak tu pergi"
"Effortless funny"
"Betul, Ra. Satu je. Ni pun dah sesak nafas, sakit kepala, sakit dada"
"Am I causing that?"
"Ra, banyak mana Ara sayang abang? Banyak sangat ni…jangan sayang abang banyak sangat. Abang tak biasa orang sayang abang banyak sangat"
"Banyaknya banyak sangat"
"Orang serius dia gelak"
"Kita pun serius hihihi"
"Tengok tu"
20260503
Understood
"Why do you think she contacted you?"
"I don’t know. Maybe for one last conversation, or maybe she just wanted to confirm her feelings. She clearly wrote that she doesn’t want me back and told me I shouldn’t even think that way. She said she’s really happy with her life. Her husband is loving, caring, and puts in every effort to keep her happy bla bla bla so yeah, I’m not sure what it is"
"Not regret?"
"Absolutely not
"Oookeyyyyy"
"Ara tanya semua ni, Ara tak cemburu ke? Mana ada perempuan boleh dengar laki cakap pasal perempuan lain. Ara nak kepastian apa? Hati abang? Perasaan abang? Cuba Ara cakap apa yang Ara cuba buat selama ni. Bantu abang? Ara tak boleh bantu abang. Ara kena faham satu benda. You can’t unlove what you’ve loved… unless you never loved it at all. Cuba Ara cakap dengan jelas bagi abang faham. Abang tak faham apa Ara cuba buat"
"I just like listening to your stories"
"It will hurt you"
"Honestly… you’re right"
"Then?"
"I like watching your eyes when you talk about her. Sometimes you look away… like you don’t want me to notice. But I see it. Your love… it’s deep"
"If you firmly choose me, then you will be the only one. There are no other options. Ara cuba analisis abang?"
"Never"
"Ara tak percayakan abang?"
"Percaya"
"Habis?"
"Jangan marah"
"The right kind of love is not confusing, it is sure"
"It is"
"Jangan duga abang"
"Abang yang cakap"
"Habis apa dia?"
"I love your words"
"Jangan la main-mainkan abang"
"Why are you angry?"
"Marah la. Abang tak tahu apa Ara buat. Abang tak faham"
"How are you supposed to understand me… when you still understand her more than me?"
20260502
Saturday, May 02, 2026
Utamakan diri
"Ara beli buku apa? Tengok sini"
"……………"
"Buat keputusan untuk diri sendiri. Bukan untuk orang lain, bukan untuk anak-anak. Diri sendiri kena bahagia dulu. Dan kalau satu masa nanti Ara pilih beralih arah, cakap dengan abang. Selagi kita hidup bersama, abang akan tetap sayang dan jaga Ara lebih dari nyawa abang sendiri. Abang tahu Ara sedang nilai abang. Abang minta maaf lukakan hati Ara. Kalaulah…abang bertegas…semua ni takkan jadi tapi masa tak boleh undur. Abang yang salah. Abang hampir hancurkan rumah tangga kita…rumah tangga orang lain. Abang tahu abang berdosa. Abang nak minta Ara peluang pun abang malu"
"…………"
"Abang tak nak yakinkan Ara. Abang percaya Ara pandai menilai. Abang bukan lelaki pentingkan diri. Abang lagi suka beralah asalkan orang yang abang sayang bahagia"
"Kadang-kadang…bahagia tak bererti kita tinggal di bawah bumbung yang sama, kan abang?"
"Kalau di beri pilihan…semua orang nak bahagia di bawah teduhan yang sama tanpa perlu meninggalkan…"
"Tapi kalau kita saling melukakan?"
"Tak ada pasangan yang tak saling melukakan. Kalau abang tahu abang akan curang…benda yang paling abang tak nak buat…tapi abang dah buat…abang takkan kawin dengan Ara hanya untuk hancurkan hati Ara. Abang dah hancurkan hati Ara berkali-kali"
"Maybe I'm just really tired of everything right now or I am no longer happy with this life…"
_
"Abang marah kita cakap macam tu?"
"Tak…you’re allowed to feel whatever comes. We’re human"
"No hard feelings at all?"
"Ada tapi tu kita ketepikan dulu. When you’re ready, we can talk"
"Tak nak gaduh?"
"Ara nak gaduh jom"
"Tak nak. Penat"
"Nak abang dukung?"
"Tak nak"
"Main buai?"
"Eee dah malam"
"Bihun tomyam nak?"
"Asam laksa oleh tak?"
"Boleh. Tunggu sini abang turun buat"
"Kalau abang takde acam mana…cape nak macak. Kita kan selalu lapar"
_
"Tak boleh tiup. Nabi tak bagi tiup makanan panas"
"Astu kita lapar"
"Sini abang suap"
"Abang"
"Hmm"
"Abang pernah tak bosan dengan kita?"
"Ada jugak"
"Apaaaa?"
"Tapi kalau Ara tak ada lagi bosan"
_
"Kenyang?"
"Sangat"
"Gosok gigi lepas tu tidur"
"Abang?"
"Abang pun nak tidur"
"Tidur sama tau"
"Iye"
_
"Kita sayang abang"
"Tahu"
"Tak romantik pun"
"Nak tidur dah. Esok pulak romantik"
"1,2,3,4,5,6. Kenapa abang sayang kita?"
"Kena la sayang dah bini"
"Kena? Acam terpaksa aje"
"Taklah"
"Kenapa telinga abang 2?"
"Kang Tuhan bagi 3 tak ada tempat nak letak"
"Abang…"
"Tidur, Ra. Pejam mata"
20260430
Maafkan abang
"Ara…abang minta maaf. Abang tahu susah Ara nak maafkan abang tapi…"
"Kita dah lama maafkan abang"
"Kenapa Ara maafkan abang? Ara pernah cakap 'I won't forgive a cheater'"
"I don’t judge you for what you did. I look at who you are inside"
_
"Abang tak ada hubungan istimewa dengan dia. I’ve made that clear to her. Dengan dia sendiri pun abang pernah cakap tak ada hubungan apa-apa"
"What was her response?"
"I can’t really define it"
"Marah? Sedih? Frust?"
"Entah. Tak tahu. Abang tak analisis"
_
"I analyze every feeling, every emotion, every action because I care. I want to know someone I love more deeply. Back then, I was too deeply in love. I tried to control everything just to make sure it worked even when it was tearing me down. I couldn’t give her the life she wanted. I was busy fighting every corner of my life, while she wanted what she wanted. When I let her go, a small part of me felt relieved. I just let her go. I didn’t fight. I was exhausted. Relieved that she finally gets the life she wants, like everyone else. It wasn’t a healthy relationship for her. I couldn’t make her happy. She wasn’t happy with me. Whatever I did, I only hurt her more. Whatever I said, I only made things worse. At that time, I felt that letting her go was the right thing to do. That man gives her everything. I am just a worthless man…"
"No, you’re not"
_
"Abang takut nak sayang Ara…dalam-dalam. Not everyone is ready for deep love with its chaos, messiness, jealousy, fight after fight, tears after tears. I can’t do it anymore. Maybe I just want something calm now. Something simple and safe. Not all that intense, passionate kind of love. It feels lighter, unburdened. No weight on my shoulders. I’ve learned not to love people too hard, not to make someone my home, not to build my entire world around someone else"
"Honestly, abang… that’s the kind of love I’m looking for"
"Love isn’t always a fairy tale. It’s painful. It’s inconvenient. You’re going to hurt the people you love, disappoint them, argue with them. Sometimes they’ll make you cry, and you’ll make them cry too. There’s too much emotion, too much damage. Too much of everything. There will be days when you feel like you’re boiling inside and just want to get out of it, but you’ll still find a reason to stay. A weight that was both heavy and comforting. One more day, one more minute…because you don’t want to leave them…You want to share everything. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times"
_
"Bila Ara nak cerita pulak? Asyik abang je"
"Tak nak, abang confirm jealous"
"Eh cerita pun belum"
"Dah lupa semua, bang"
"Campak masuk longkang eh"
"Tak baik tau kotorkan longkang"
_
"Abang dah tua, Ara. Abang nak hidup baik-baik je. Tak nak dah cinta-cinta tu semua…"
"Is it true that a man only falls in love once in his life?"
20260429
Friday, May 01, 2026
Tularemia
"Why aren’t you sleeping?"
"I was reading about tularemia. Ulceroglandular, oculoglandular"
"What’s that?"
"Plague of the Hittites"
"Never heard of Haiti having such a plague"
"The Hittite Empire. The Pharaoh killed Zannanza"
"Zannanza? Who’s that?"
"He was Suppiluliuma’s son. An Egyptian queen, Ankhesenamun, balu Tutankhamun nak berlaki. Dia tanya kalau Suppiluliuma ada anak laki, dia nak kawin. Dah sampai kena bunuh. Sebab tu jadi perang"
"Best-nya cerita. Lanjut, please"
20260426
Punggung
"Hahahahaha"
"Kita tak keseorangan"
"Memang tu ke Ara tengok dulu?"
"Takkk"
"Habis tu? Tengok apa?"
"First muka, ada jambang ke tak. Second rambut. Astu tangan. Kita suka berurat. Astu dada. Chest besar sangat kita tak suka. Perutttt, tak nak boroi. Harus la ber six-pack so pinggang ada shape. Last montot berisi tanda ke gym. Montot acam bun. Sedang elok hihihihi"
"Amboi"
_
"Patut la tak pernah selamat punggung abang hahahaha"
"Eyyyy"
"Ada orang admire rupanya hahahahaha"
"Jahattttt tau"
"Terima kasih mengagumi punggung abang hehehehe tak penat main gym"
20260429
Pulau
Suka
"Hi hot stuff"
"Morning, babe. Awal bangun?"
"Sejukkk. Abang tak tidur?"
"Tak"
_
"Jogging jom"
"Jom!"
_
"Kenapa Ara suka pantai?"
"Siapa cakap?"
"Habis tu suka apa? Gunung?"
"Suka abang je hihihi"
20260428
Pulau
Paling cantik
"Morning sunshine"
"Morning"
"Tidur lena?"
"Sangatttt. Abang tidur tak?"
"Tidur. Tak lena sangat tapi tidur. Lama jugak dekat 6 jam"
_
"Pagi ni abang nak pergi snorkeling. Ara nak terjum sama?"
"Tak kot"
"Mana tahu nak dating under the sea ke? 10-15 minit je"
"Mmmm…"
"Nak?"
"Tak asenya"
"Kalau Ara nak ikut, abang nak request tak ada orang laki"
"Acam malas tukar baju"
_
"Datang sini senang. Tak payah booking apa. Tambah hari kerja mana ada orang. On the spot je semua cuma bezanya tak premium. Sekadar nak cuba boleh la. Premium belah sana. Nanti kita pergi"
"Tempat acam tak terurus tapi kita okey aje"
"Dulu sini ada airport. Orang senang nak masuk. Sekarang dah tutup. Tak ramai pelancong"
_
"Ara okey ke? Tak selesa? Sorry la. Abang tak plan. Ingat nak lepak-lepak je"
"Kita okey. Best. Kampung nelayan…kan, bang?"
"Haah"
"It’s just simple island life, still very authentic. Nothing too commercial, not packed with resorts"
"Ada 2/3 resort dah tutup. Tak tahu tempat tak best ke apa"
_
"Kenapa senja lawa macam Ara?"
"Mengada"
"Cantik"
"Kita ke senja?"
"Dua-dua"
"Siapa lagi cantik?"
"Dekat pulau ni Ara paling cantik"
20260427
Pulau
Thursday, April 30, 2026
Sembilu
"Layan movie tak ajak kita"
"Mana ada tengok movie. Dengar lagu"
"Cerita apa, bang?"
"Sembilu II"
"Tahun bila?"
"90-an. Filem ni dulu pecah panggung kira macam Titanic la. Filem cinta terbaik Malaysia. Lagu-lagu dia best"
"Layannnnn"
"Abang tak pernah tengok la. Titanic pun tak pernah tengok. Abang mana suka cerita cinta"
"Happynya Erra"
"Bukan masa ni dia bercinta dengan Awie ke? Putus sebab kena tangkap basah sama macam cerita ni"
_
"Tu dia tepuk bahu laki Erra. Tanda dah redha. Laki tak nak dah la orang punya. Hati nak tapi diri tak nak"
"Senanya nak ke tak?"
"Orang laki mana ada berebut perempuan. Ada pun jarang. Nak, ambil je la. Macam tu je. Tambah kalau dah tahu perempuan tu pilih siapa. Keputusan akhir dekat tangan perempuan. Sebab tu orang cakap tak boleh salahkan orang lain kalau tersalah buat pilihan. Diri sendiri yang pilih"
"Astu rindu"
"Rindu bukan tanda nak. Rindu je. Laki ni senang je, Ara. Kalau perempuan dia sayang pilih laki lain, it's over. Once it’s over, it’s forever. There’s no turning back. Setiap keputusan yang kita buat, mesti kita fikir masak-masak. Ada satu quote abang baca cakap "Everything you do is based on the choices you make. It's not your parents, your past relationships, your job, the economy, the weather, an argument, or your age that is to blame. You and only you are responsible for every decision and choice you make. Period""
"Gitulah dia. Complicated sokmo"
"Laaa tapi tanya"
_
"Abang, rewind part last. Sedihnya tengok Erra nangis…"
"Lagi sedih tengok mata Awie pandang Erra kali terakhir sebelum gerak"
"Tapi Erra sedih sangat"
"Awie pun sedih jugak"
20260427
Friday, April 24, 2026
All I see is you
"If any man texts my girl and she responds in a way that crosses the line, he can keep her. I don’t compete with anyone for my place. I was taught that once someone does it, they can do it again. You don’t have to drink the whole sea to taste the salt. It always ends the same"
"A hard past builds a hard man"
"Love taken from someone else never brings true happiness. If a man flirts with you knowing you already have a boyfriend, he is not seeing you as someone special. He is seeing weak boundaries. He is not thinking, ‘She’s special.’ He is thinking, ‘She’s available.’ A man who openly crosses that line does not respect your boyfriend, and he does not respect you either"
_
"Do you remember her today?"
"Yeah… every day. Still"
"Mmm…"
"Love can’t be erased. Longing doesn’t just go away. Love is love… you just let it sit quietly. Someday… it finds its own way out"
"Why is she so special?"
"She became my definition of love. We love different people differently… no same love twice. Once it’s gone… it’s gone… forever…"
_
"Schopenhauer’s view. Life is characterised by continuous tension, and we can reduce suffering by diminishing attachment. When you love, you let them be free to blossom in their own way. You believe in them. You trust that they will protect your feelings. You do not try to control their life. You do not compete with them. Love makes you stronger and wiser"
"So, do you love me?"
"There is always some other woman who is better than you in many ways, someone a man could hardly say no to, but I close my eyes and only see you. I close my eyes for you"
2026042023
Epigenetik
"Tak tidur?"
"Tak"
"Monster?"
"Tak"
"Bistu?"
"Tengah fikir pasal epigenetik. Anak-anak di katakan mewarisi trauma ibu bapa"
"You’re thinking about that now?"
"Yeah"
"It’s 2:30 am, darling"
"Ye"
"We’ll talk tomorrow"
"Okey"
_
"Morning, cariño"
"Morning, babe"
"Still thinking about epi… what was it?"
"Epigenetics"
"No te preocupes. Lo resolveremos"
"Amboi. Baru mimpi mamat Spain ke?"
_
"Abang dah lama fikir. Sebenarnya apa fungsi kelentit. Okey, hari ni baru dapat jawapan hehehe"
"Buku apa abang baca?"
"Tahu je"
"Sampai hal tu pun kena fikir? Paroh"
"Okey la fikir dari buat benda lagha"
"Astu dah dapat jawapan?"
"Dah"
"Apa?"
"Spread your legs first. Nanti abang explain hahahahaha"
"Eeeeee!"
"Hahahahaha"
_
"Apa sunyi sangat tempat ni. Kalau kelentit jatuh pun dengar"
"Bangggg"
"Apa? Semua perempuan ada kan benda tu"
"Benda sendiri tak nak sebut"
"Malu hahahaha"
20260423
Thursday, April 23, 2026
Thank you
Suddenly, you cross my mind. I look at the wall clock; it is 8:20 a.m. A few of our morning conversations before you clock in run through my head. I do not want to entertain my thoughts. Much to write, but I choose not to. Perhaps there is nothing left to pour, or perhaps I have already poured too much.
Here it goes. I hope your day unfolds gently. May you enjoy your Petronas coffee, meet kind people, and find ease in your work. May you feel at peace with yourself, and may you love and be loved by the one who holds your heart. Take care of yourself. Drive safely. And remember to smile.
Thank you for crossing my mind today.
Keli kena tangkap basah
"Abang tanya je asal muka macam keli kena tangkap basah? Malam tadi kelentit tak kena gigit eh? Dah marah-marah, masam je muka"
"Abang ni kan"
"Betul la. Orang datang nak beli muka masam. Tak nak kerja, tak payah kerja. Buat rosak mood orang je"
20260422
Kena calit?
"Abang mana la tahu. Sains cakap 4 minit ke 4 saat dah cukup untuk jatuh cinta"
"Alaaa jawab ajelah. Pendapat aje kan"
"Pendidikan sama tahap?"
"Tak. On the way Ph.D vs SPM"
"Duit?"
"Perempuan"
"Keluarga sama level?"
"Acam sama"
"Masa mula kenal ada keluar sekali?"
"Ha'a"
"Pergi makan sama?"
"Mestilah"
"Rajin ulang-alik rumah perempuan?"
"Sangattttt"
"Sama ada dia calit atau letak dalam makanan. Hebat lagi baca ayat. Siapa ni? Kawan kakak angkat? Senior dia?"
"Taklah"
"Keturunan apa laki tu? Banjar? Jawa? Boyan? Acheh? Kerinchi? Pantai Timur? Bapak dia siapa? Kadang ilmu ni turun-temurun"
"Tak tahu"
"Kalau guna pengasih lambat renew jadi tawar"
"Acam road tax kena renew"
"Silap hari bulan dekat punai pun dia pakai barang"
"Untuk apa?"
"Tu la kawin lagi dengan budak. Apa pun tak tahu"
"Babtu tanya"
"Bukan untuk mati pucuk. Jadi gagah perkasa sentiasa ingat. Taklah bini tolak. Ramai laki pakai kasi asah kasi tajam kasi jadi badang. Sedap didayung entah yang dayung"
"Seram la abang"
"Ada yang pandai kunci nafsu bini masa keluar kerja. Takut bini curang. Ni ilmu orang dulu"
20260422
Singa
"Ra, abang dah beli siri tu 4 buku. Tak tahu ada cetakan baru hmm rugi aaaa"
"Kenapa tak check?"
"Masa beli main beli je macam saja nak cuba baca. Sekali tengok cetakan baru dia cantik la. Cuma yang abang beli tu first edition. Kalau jual mahal jugak aduu tapi dah macam belacan"
"Sini link kita order"
"Tapi buku pertama dah unavailable"
"Banyak nau masalah. Beli buku aje pung"
"Wuarrghhh stres!"
"Hidup complicated gitulah"
"Pukul 5 pagi orang mengadu dia bahan. Kawin lain kang haaa"
"Nikoh 3 truh, bea. Masaloh kecik supo batu atah palo"
"Besar apa masalah. Salah beli"
"Mari sini link adik tekey"
"Senang je eh"
"Hola. Benda mudoh"
"Tak payah la. Lain kali. Tunggu tu sampai dulu. Kang tak best baca rugi pulak"
"Ikut suko"
"Bangun je jadi singa dah kenapa"
20260422
Wednesday, April 22, 2026
Ikan
"Ra, ikan ni tak reti buat anak ke? Tak kan abang salah beli dua-dua jantan? Ke ikan ni tak ada betina? Kalau tak ada betina macam mana nak beranak, kan? Kenapa eh?"
"Astu abang tengok dia aje. Takde privacy member"
"Ikan pun nak privacy. Kongk*k je la orang nak tengok"
"Hihihi suka sangat bergaduh dengan ikan"
Tuesday, April 21, 2026
Bawa lari hati
Siang
"Tak ada jual CD dah. Dulu dekat sini ada kedai jual kaset dengan CD. Kaset dulu mahal. Paling-paling RM 25"
"Abang beli kaset apa?"
"Lagu rock. Simpan sampai sekarang. Abang minat piring hitam tapi dulu mahal. Typewriter pun abang tak mampu beli"
"Typewriter? Untuk apa?"
"Zaman dulu kalau orang tak pandai tulis surat rasmi, dia cari typewriter. Typewriter tulis dapat upah"
"Tak pernah dengar. First time"
"Dulu orang susah, buta huruf mana reti mengarang sendiri. Abang dulu berangan nak beli tapi tak pandai guna. Salah satu huruf, tulis lain"
_
"Ra, kita pergi kedai haiwan situ kejab, boleh?"
"Abang nak beli apa?"
"Selain nursery, abang kan suka kedai haiwan"
"Please abang, no more haiwan"
"Abang nak beli ikan bagi Ara"
"Ikan?"
"Ha ikan letak dalam balang kaca bulat. Letak batu warna-warni, letak rumpai. Romantik, kan?"
"Untuk kita?"
"Ye. Letak dalam bilik kerja Ara tapi jangan lupa bagi makan kang mati"
"Astu kalau kucing abang makan acam mana?"
"Dia tak makan. Ikan hiasan, kecil je"
"If that’s what makes you happy, I’m okay with it"
"Romantik, kan? Bagi ikan. Nanti kalau Ara stres ke tengok dia. Boleh hilang stres"
"Terima kasih, abang"
_
"Ara tak happy eh dapat ikan?"
"Taklah"
"Ni…bunga…taklah bunga sangat. Small bouquet…abang buat tadi"
"Comelnyaaaaa"
"Kecil dari tapak tangan. Tu je barang abang jumpa dekat kebun"
"It's so cute!"
"Tak cantik sangat. Abang tak pandai susun"
"Cantik, abang"
"Wildflower, akar pokok, daun kering, rumput, ranting"
"Rajin aje buat craft. Thanks, love"
"Nanti abang bagi bunga. Abang kena sayang Ara ikut love language Ara bukan dengan cara abang"
"I’m okay with what you give me. You don’t have to overthink everything or figure me out all the time. Breathe. Live. Love doesn’t have to feel this heavy"
"Okey"
"My emotions are my responsibility, not yours to carry. Just being here is enough"
Malam
"Ehh dinosaur"
"Banyak tau movie best"
"Lama tak tengok tv"
"Now?"
"Abang nak tengok rugby kalau ada"
"Bisa di atur masss"
_
"Sampai terlondeh hihihi"
"Aip! Tutup mata. Nampak punggung tu"
"Calah dia tak pakai cepende"
"Lain tengoknya"
"Astu depan mata. Abang ajar"
"Apa abang"
_
"Yeayyyyy! Golllll!"
"Mana ada gol, Ara. Adeh"
"Came aje"
"Bukan main bola"
_
"Encem-encem, ketak-ketak, punggung mantap hihihi"
"Ey! Situ pulak. Tukar channel lain"
_
"Orang suruh tengok game. Dia tengok benda lain"
"Laju nau lari"
"Yela nak bawa lari bola"
"Acam bawa lari hati kita. Dup dap dup dap hihihi"
"Hahaha mengada"
20260419
Monday, April 20, 2026
Perang Dubai
"Bukan malas layan. Tak nak layan lagi"
"Acam tu ke layan wife?"
"Okey la dari abang layan perempuan lain"
"Dah layan pun kan"
_
"Okey pagi ni?
"Tak"
"Anak buat perangai?"
"Tak pun"
"Kalau letih, tinggal semua. Tak payah buat apa-apa"
"Okey"
"Dah makan?"
"Belum"
"Kembar biar Jaz jaga. Ara pergi berkebun ke tidur ke. Rehat. Anything I can do to make your day easier?"
"Abang, do you love me?"
_
"Before I make any assumptions and turn this fight into a war which I don’t want. Tell me what’s on your mind"
"Can I be honest?"
"It’s better than letting this turn into a war and dragging it on for weeks"
_
"Anyone can have trust issues. It doesn’t matter how long it happened. Something that’s broken needs time to heal"
"Am I someone you don’t trust?"
"Not being given access to everything you want doesn’t mean I don’t trust you"
"If you don’t trust me, and you don’t love me… then what am I to you?"
"Mana pulak abang tak sayang"
"Tanya hati abang… jujur dengan diri abang sendiri"
"Ara…"
"A man who cannot leave his past cannot build a new life"
_
"Ara tanya abang banyak soalan. Ara tengah nilai abang dalam hati Ara?"
"Abang rasa macam tu?"
"Ara dah penat dengan abang?"
_
"I’m working on myself. Please give me some time before you make any decision, if you already have something in your mind. These past two years really tough. More than ever"
"She is so much bigger in your world than you realize, abang"
_
"Since we met, I’ve felt sorry for you. The hardest part is seeing you still holding on to someone else"
"Ara…"
_
"You can’t get mad because she's not choosing you. You can’t expect her to wait forever. She deserves to know where you’re going"
"I know"
Panggilan telefon
April 17, 2026
Dubai
Sunday, April 19, 2026
Unforgettable man
April 18, 2026
8:45 malam
"Abang? Tak pergi Spain?"
"Abang tahu Ara penat. Banyak minggu dah abang tinggal Ara"
"Kita okey aje"
"Work can’t wait but you come first"
_
"Ara dah makan?"
"Belum"
"Ni ada Japanese food. Tadi abang suruh Don bungkus"
"Tak lapar"
"Makan la sikit. Ada Italian food baru bukak. Kalau nak cuba, esok kita pergi"
"It's okay, abang"
_
"Ara tak suka tengok abang ke?"
"Taklah"
"Makan la sikit. Kalau tak suka abang pun tak apa tapi kena jaga diri. Makan la. Sedap ni"
"…………"
"Buka mulut. Makan. Hari tu cakap kalau boleh bernafas pun nak suruh abang buat"
"Takde selera"
"Abang tak nak jadi penyebab Ara sakit jadi Ara kena makan"
_
"Ara…bagi abang 2 tahun. Kalau lepas 2 tahun Ara rasa abang tak berubah dan Ara dah penat dengan semua ni, Ara boleh buat keputusan…abang minta maaf lukakan hati Ara…"
"Fix yourself, Tiger. I don’t want to lose you. Do it for your own good"
"Yes, ma’am"
_
April 19, 2026
12:30 malam
"Ra…bangun…jom kita keluar"
"Abang…"
"Jom keluar"
"Pergi mana?"
"Jalan-jalan"
_
"Sorry abang kacau Ara tidur"
"Balas dendam kan"
"Jet lag"
"Beria"
_
"Peluk kuat sikit"
"Dahhh. Eee mengada"
_
"Ra nak apa? Teh tarik? Kopi? Nescafe? Abang handsome ke eh silap hee"
"Air mineral"
"Botol biru? Putih? Hijau?"
"Hijau"
"Nak makan? Nasi goreng? Sandwich? Sizzling? Nasi campur?"
"Abang makan apa?"
"Lai chi kang dengan mi hailam
"Samalah"
_
"Abang tak okey Ara tanya banyak soalan, bukan banyak soalan, soalan deep, killer. Macam mana la tak kena hukuman gantung, peguam tanya soalan maut. Ara tanya soalan falsafah ke abang boleh jawab"
"Jawapan tak penting, abang. Kejujuran yang penting"
"Soalan tu buat abang tak selesa. Real talk makes me uncomfortable. Really"
"You need to sit with yourself to understand yourself"
"Yeah, but"
"I’m not going to apologize for that"
_
"Abang, kita nak bawa"
"Hati-hati dengan lori…bas"
"Jangan tidur tau"
"Ha"
_
"Okey la abang tidur dari abang raba"
"Gatal"
"Eh tak suka ke kena raba?"
"Mandi, bang. Yang itu kalau real talk suka aje kan"
"7 jam pun boleh hahaha"
_
"Thanks, love. Lamanya tak ride"
"Sekarang pun boleh 'ride' hehehehe"
"Sakit dada, kan? Astu rehat"
"Heeee"
"Bang"
"Quickie, quickie"
"You’re hard to resist, aren’t you?"
"Me or my thing? Ehem"
"Which one is the gentleman?"
"Both are charmingly gentlemanly and sweet"
"Really?"
"Once you taste me, even a thousand years won’t make you forget. I am an unforgettable man. The one you will run after, begging and crying. The name you try to forget, but never fully can"
"Amboi, bang!"
"Hahahahaha"
Saturday, April 18, 2026
Fail
“I have a strong tendency, a bad habit that I believe no one knows about. I tend to repeatedly read things that hurt me hundreds of times. My mind remembers the words, letters, lines, and every symbol. I memorize them. I write them down until my heart feels like it is bleeding and screaming in pain”
"Kenapa Ara tak tahu pasal ni?"
"Yela dah tak ada dalam fail. Tu kan catatan lama. Puluh tahun dulu"
"Banyak yang abang sorok?"
"Cukuplah apa yang Ara dah baca dalam fail tu"
"Kenapa mesti sembunyikan?"
"Dah seminggu Ara tanya banyak soalan. Semua abang jawab. Abang penat. Bagi abang ruang sikit, boleh? Abang kan tengah kerja"
"Okay, sorry"
"Abang trauma berlapis-lapis. Ada dokumen abang minta doktor pisahkan sebab tu Ara tak dapat baca. Ada benda yang Ara tak boleh tahu"
"Tapi Kajang mesti tahu. Betul tak?"
"Abang tak nak gaduh"
"See"
"Apa?"
"Ara nak akses fail tu"
"Tak boleh"
"Kenapa tak boleh?"
"It’s my ugly side. My first and worst nightmare. Don’t cross that line. Kali ni je abang minta, jangan. Kali ni je. Abang tak boleh tanggung dah, Ara. Yang ada ni pun dah tak tertanggung"
"Kenapa Kajang tak tahu? Kenapa abang tak bagitahu dia?"
"She respects my boundaries. Doesn’t ask for much"
"Abang nak cakap Ara tak hormat abang? Macam tu?"
"Bukan, bukan. Dah, Ara. Abang sakit dada. Fail tu Ara tak boleh akses. Muktamad. Move on"
"No"
"Don’t do that… it will break my heart"
_
"If you knew, you wouldn’t look at me the same way. Please, can we just skip this? Not all trauma needs to be addressed"
"I value transparency"
Panggilan telefon
20260416
Dubai
Friday, April 17, 2026
Alhamdulillah
1:30 AM — Dubai
Sleep: 2h 30m 49s. Alhamdulillah
Hydration (100 ml). Bed made. Cold exposure, facial ice, light mobility, 45-minute cold shower
Sahur: 3 boiled eggs, honey (1 tsp), 150 ml water
Grooming complete. Dressed in baju Melayu and sarong. Went to the mosque for salah
Returned to the hotel. Reading block: Chinese novel (near completion)
Recovery: 25-minute rest. Skincare
Day outfit: light pink slim-fit shirt, black slim-cut trousers, black leather penny loafers, black leather belt
Work block completed. Returned at 4 PM. Short rest. Spoke with my wife
Physical reset: quick shower, swim (4 laps)
Maghrib at the mosque.
Iftar: water, naan, olive oil
Post-prayer: Surah Ar-Rahman, Dalail al-Khayrat, 1 rakaʿah witir
Sleep: 1 hour
Reset. Shower. Prepared for night shift
Night outfit: camel crewneck sweater, navy pants, espresso brown leather Chelsea boots
Now at the office
Morning breakfast after night shift: sourdough toast, eggs, olive oil, hot cocoa
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