“I have a strong tendency, a bad habit that I believe no one knows about. I tend to repeatedly read things that hurt me hundreds of times. My mind remembers the words, letters, lines, and every symbol. I memorize them. I write them down until my heart feels like it is bleeding and screaming in pain”
"Kenapa Ara tak tahu pasal ni?"
"Yela dah tak ada dalam fail. Tu kan catatan lama. Puluh tahun dulu"
"Banyak yang abang sorok?"
"Cukuplah apa yang Ara dah baca dalam fail tu"
"Kenapa mesti sembunyikan?"
"Dah seminggu Ara tanya banyak soalan. Semua abang jawab. Abang penat. Bagi abang ruang sikit, boleh? Abang kan tengah kerja"
"Okay, sorry"
"Abang trauma berlapis-lapis. Ada dokumen abang minta doktor pisahkan sebab tu Ara tak dapat baca. Ada benda yang Ara tak boleh tahu"
"Tapi Kajang mesti tahu. Betul tak?"
"Abang tak nak gaduh"
"See"
"Apa?"
"Ara nak akses fail tu"
"Tak boleh"
"Kenapa tak boleh?"
"It’s my ugly side. My first and worst nightmare. Don’t cross that line. Kali ni je abang minta, jangan. Kali ni je. Abang tak boleh tanggung dah, Ara. Yang ada ni pun dah tak tertanggung"
"Kenapa Kajang tak tahu? Kenapa abang tak bagitahu dia?"
"She respects my boundaries. Doesn’t ask for much"
"Abang nak cakap Ara tak hormat abang? Macam tu?"
"Bukan, bukan. Dah, Ara. Abang sakit dada. Fail tu Ara tak boleh akses. Muktamad. Move on"
"No"
"Don’t do that… it will break my heart"
_
"If you knew, you wouldn’t look at me the same way. Please, can we just skip this? Not all trauma needs to be addressed"
"I value transparency"
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