Thursday, September 24, 2026

24 September — Thursday

There is still a battle I need to fight — in my heart. I fought, and I survived. I am no longer in a quandary. I do not belong to the past. I don't want to go back to the past. The past belongs to the past. The headache came back again. This time, it is quite serious. Maybe because I lack sleep and am dog-tired.

Oh yeah, I didn't have an emotional explosion, and that is the biggest win.

Come back stronger!

Wednesday, September 23, 2026

"Abang repair barang elektrik. Ada setengah boleh guna"
"Setenang itu?"
"Ha. Barang 2 ke 3 tahun lepas budak kutip. Tak sempat repair sebab balik"
"Sepantas itukah masa berlari? Mmm…apasal laju sangat?"
"Lambat lagi Ara nak tua"
"Annnnn"
"Amboi. Suka"
_

"Tak takut ke?"
"Takut jugak"
"Sejak bila? Asenya abang acam dah putus urat takut"
"Memang ada je nak mengata abang"
"Rindu suami. Hari tu dia senyap aje ntah kenapa. Ada masalah tak nak share"


Panggilan telefon
23-09-2026

Tuesday, September 22, 2026

"Why are you so quiet?"
"Nak dengar suara Ara"
"Something happened? Are you hurt?"
"I’m good"
_

"Abang dah makan?"
"Tak ada selera"
"Makan tau. Kita tak suka laki kurus"
"Suka macam mana?"
"Tinggi, tegap, katang! Macam abang!"
"Amboi"
_

"Abang kena gerak. Nanti abang call"
"Abang"
"Hmm?"
"Rindu kita tak?"
"Segenap maya"
"Sibaik banyak. Kalau sikit kita suruh tidur luar"
"Hahahaha"
"Ketawa pun. Rindu tau"
"Iye"


Panggilan telefon
22-09-2026
18 September 2026 — Home

4 a.m. 
Sleep but half-awake — writing an erotic letter to her. I see her in my dream — close enough to write about every inch of her. Feel the presence of her. The letter didn't finish. I woke up. I had a headache. 

9.00 a.m.
Log in to my Hotmail. I read random emails of hers. It was clear — something I missed before, or maybe my delusional, blind self. I deleted two emails. Previously, I had deleted another email.

9.05 a.m.
My habit — I write down any quotes or poems that remind me of her. Save them safely for her letter to craft in. Now, I have burned a quarter of the paper. They are now useless, soon becoming trash.
"Kita dah sapu. Acam mana dia ada sini?"
"Ara spray lupa buang kot"
"Ey awak, pemastautin tetap bilik kita ke?"
"Mana dia nak jawab. Kan dah mati kering tu"
"Mmm…mesti abang cakap kita tak kemas. Kita dah kemas. Kita dah…kita tak reti kemas gaknya…"
"Abang tak cakap apa pun"
_

"Jab g Ary cakap abang ikut cakap bini"
"Biar la abang buat"
"Kita nak lipat senanya"
"Tak apa. Bukan susah pun"
"Bertukar-tukar astu kita acam okey aje asenya sistem acam ni"
"Okey je. Abang tak ada kerja. Saja nak kemas"
"Mata abang sakit an tengok barang kita cepah"
"Tak. Abang suka kemas bilik Ara"
"Barang kita bebankan mmm acam serabutkan otak abang, kan?"
"Tak"
"Excessive OCD"
"OCD je. Tak ada excessive"
"Sama aje. Salah kita ke translation banyak typo"
"La ilaha illallah. Budak ni"
"Banyak kali tau abang complaint. Siap mention imbuhan salah, takde koma, pemilihan terms tak tepat and abang cakap nak beli edisi lain"
"Abang kemas bilik je, Ra. Apa sampai ke buku terjemahan?"
"Sebab kita beli"
"Kan dah cakap penerbit careless"
"Kita ase acam salah kita. Tak perfect. Abang kan suka perfect"
"I'm sorry that you interpreted (it) that way. I had no intention of hurting you or complaining. I was just sharing my thoughts with you. I'm sorry"
"It's okay"
"Betul…abang cuma cakap je. Tak sangka sampai macam tu fikir"
"Lama tau kita pendam"
"Berapa lama?"
"Dua minggu"
"I'm sorry for my attitude. I won't do it again. Terima kasih tegur abang"
"Bang, nak cucur kembung kuah sardin?"
"Boleh. Kopi pekat sikit"


Ogos, 2026
"Pedasnya ayat"
"Itu pun Ara dah cakap pedas"
"Sentap kita dengar. Terkejut. Abang tak pernah tau cakap macam tu"
"Abang boleh cakap lebih dari tu tapi abang tak suka sakitkan hati orang. Ada setengah benda lebih baik kita simpan. Bukan semua benda kita boleh lafaz. Some words cut deeper than a knife. Apa yang kita cakap hari ni, orang boleh ingat sampai mati. Abang kalau boleh pilih tak nak melukakan"


(2025)
"Dulu Ara pernah tanya, kenapa abang tak bagi hati abang dekat Ara. Ara cakap abang bagi sikit je. Ara nak tahu sebab apa? Sebab abang dah tak percaya cinta. I’ve stopped believing in love"
"Kenapa, abang?"
"Love is uncertain, possessive, jealous, and sometimes destructive. It destroyed me completely. I didn’t see the world the same way anymore. Salah abang…terlalu bagi muka sampai orang pijak kepala. Tak takut dengan abang, tak takut hilang abang. Lesson learned the hard way"


(2025)

Monday, September 21, 2026


Friday, September 18, 2026


"Abang, kita nak pergi Kajang sana"
"Buat apa?"
"Beli roti"
"Tu dia punya dekat"
_

"Ex abang Kajang apa?"
"Tak tahu"
"Sekolah mana? Kajang High School? Sekolah Menengah Persekutuan Kajang?"
"Tak tahu"
"Kajang ada dua stesen MRT, an? Sunset dia cantik"
"Pun abang tak tahu"
_

"Mana Ara dapat tu?"
"FB sana. Now kita faham kenapa orang rebut-rebutkan Kajang"
"Siapa rebutkan Kajang?"
"Pemaju"
_

"Ra, kita balik. Dada abang sakit"
"Tiba-tiba?"
"Haah"
"Jom pergi Hospital Kajang hihihihi"
"Baik mati dari pergi situ"


17/9
Daddy: Tadi beli candy ada baki duit, kan?
Raysha: *angguk*
Daddy: Baki masuk tabung. Tabung mana? Pergi ambil
Raysha: *lari ambil tabung*
Daddy: Masuk duit dalam tabung. Penuh nanti kita pergi bank
Raysha: Acha kaya


19/2/2025
Raysha: Daddy, Acha nak kad
Daddy: Kad apa?
Raysha: Kad duit
Daddy: Amboi. Kecik-kecik dah pandai kad duit


18/8

"Construction okey. Sekarang fokus nak buat business insurans dengan pharmaceutical. Tapi kalau buat senapang lagi untung kan? Zaman perang ni"
"Jangan mengada buka kilang acam tu"
"Ara tak suka?"
"Takkk"
"Business tu banyak untung"
"Dalam beribu business, acam mana boleh terfikir nak buat pistol?"
"Saja cakap"
_

"Roadmap 2027 dah siap. Dah clear. Bolehlah jadi lebih kapitalis"
"Tak cukup kapitalis selama ni?"
"Ara tahu apa impian abang?"
"Selain yang abang cerita, ada yang kita tak tahu?"
"Abang nak ada bank sendiri"
"Go for it, abang!"
"Macam tu bini solehah"


Panggilan telefon
14/9
"Ara dah makan?"
"Lobster roll pasta"
"Sedap?"
"Sedap sangat"
"Kenyang?"
"Ha'a. Abang berbuka apa?"
"Abang berbuka dengan senyuman Ara"
"Mmmmm…saja tau"


Panggilan telefon
14/9
"Abang stim eh silap abang nak makan ikan stim"
"Stim limau ke stim halia?"
"Tu tanya untuk ikan ke untuk benda lain?"
"Cili kenal tak?"
"Garang-garang abang suka. Rasa nak gomol-gomol je hahahahahaha"
_

"Ra, ada semut gigit peha abang"
"Astu picit"
"Mana boleh bunuh semut"
"Jab kita ambil Ridsect"
"Hahaha jangan, Ra. Ada insect lain dalam tu"
"Kecik besar aje kita tengok awak"
"Penuh kasih sayang ke tak?"
"Melimpah-ruah"
"Hehehehehe"


17/9
"Ra, abang nak keluar panas enjin. Nak ikut siap cepat"
"Kereta ke motor?"
"Bawa bini mesti la naik sport car dua pintu"
"Senanya nak keluar malam, an?"
"Iye. Tak pandai ajak. Tu je paling romantik"
_

"Nak makan apa, Ra?"
"Abang makan apa?"
"Kuetiau sup"
"Kita nak maggi goreng"
"Telur mata dua, air mineral. Set?"
"Ha'a"
_

"Sedap?"
"Sedap. Abang nak?"
"Pandai goreng"
"Sedapnya cili hitam"
"Tak pedas. Tauge je banyak"
_

"Nabi cakap sebaik-baik perhiasan ialah isteri yang solehah. Penerangan dalam tadabbur cakap, "Isteri yang solehah adalah kegembiraan dunia bagi seorang suami." Macam abang memiliki Ara"
"Terima kasih, abang"


18/9

Thursday, September 17, 2026

"Kita ada masalah dengan abang"
"Masalah apa?"
"bla bla bla bla"
"Kejab, abang nak mandi"
"Kita belum habis"
"Ye la. Abang mandi dulu. We’ll settle this in our bed"
"Tak payah kenyit mata sangatlah"
"Laa kena marah tiba-tiba"
"Kita serius, awak main-main"
"Jom! Buat apa gaduh. Benda boleh settle"
"Abang! Turunkan kita!"
"Apa? Tak dengar"
.
..
…

"Are we okay? Hehehe"
"Tak"
"Eh? Next round, next round"
"Eeeee abang ni kan"
"Dahlah…kejab lagi slow talk…kalau perlu"
"Tak perlu"
"Selamat hehehehe"

(Catatan tanpa tarikh)

_

"Ra, baca"
"Bila ni?"
"Entah. Tahun lepas kot"
"Padam laaa"
"I believe my entire length works perfectly for you. Ehem"
"Delete now, abang!"
"Hahahahaha tak nak"


16/9
"Abang, jangan pandang macam tu"
"Just a little longer"
"Kita ada sini"
"Takut abang yang tak ada…"
"Nak jaga kita, kan?"
"Ara lahir lambat sangat"
"Baba buat kita lambat"
"Hahaha tak pernah lagi orang jawab macam tu"


16/9
Nightmare after nightmare. I got a headache — an unusual one, with tight breathing and chest pain. I have been fighting the demon for a few nights in a row. Night always brings back the memories we wanted to forget, and forgetting isn't easy — it is an emotional battle. A battle not many have succeeded in. Hard to fight, but you have to.

Maybe women don't know how deeply men can experience these things. In the day, everything looks normal. We work. We talk. We smile. We carry on. But at night, the hollow ghost comes. Some nights, you can ignore it. Other nights, it becomes raw and wild, messy and uncontrollable. You become a beast — an unrecognisable monster.

It makes you want to explode. To punch the wall. To scream. To curse her. To reopen every dream and hope you had buried. But I won the fight by not exploding. I didn't write to her or about her. I didn't explode at the people around me. I just fought it as hard as I could. I was worn out, out of energy. So I chose to go back home to Ara, my wife.

My wife, my safe place. I know that once I step into my home, she will pull a chair for me, bring me warm water, stroke my head with tenderness, wrap her hand around my shoulder, and give me her radiant smile. And somehow, all the chaos in my head will disappear. She makes everything feel lighter. Two hours before reaching KLIA. It feels so long.

A few years ago, I was diagnosed with severe insomnia. It started when I had a brain tumour and became chronic in 2014. I usually sleep for two to three hours every night because my mind won't stop racing. And when I do sleep, I don't get deep sleep. Instead, I get nightmares.  I have been prescribed anti-anxiety and antidepressant medication. 

Written originally on 15 September 2026
Edited again on 17 September 2026

Tuesday, September 15, 2026

Bengaluru — 15 September, Tuesday

Last night, I listened to Erich Fromm’s Four Elements of Love from The Art of Loving. As usual, I wrote down every word so I could share it with you. I want us to have a healthy relationship where we constantly learn to understand what our partner needs, rather than assuming what they need. And if there is anything in these four elements that I am not practising well, please talk to me about it. I will try to improve myself and learn to love you in the way you want and need to be loved.
_

Here are my notes:

Beyond giving love, there are four elements. Without all four, what you have is not love. It may feel like love. It may be called love, but it is something else.

The four are care, responsibility, respect and knowledge.

Love is the active concern for the life and growth of what you love. If you say you love someone but show no concern for their growth, you do not love them. You possess them.

Responsibility — Not duty imposed from outside, but the willingness and ability to respond to another person and to their needs.

Respect — Not admiration. It is the ability to see a person as they truly are, and to want them to grow in their own way and for their own sake.

Knowledge — Not merely knowing the surface details: “I know your coffee order.” It is a deeper knowledge that penetrates — seeing past the anger to the fear, past the silence to the loneliness inside it.

Without this knowledge, care is blind, responsibility is presumption, and respect is performance.

Remove any one of these four, and what remains is not love. It is dependency, possession, or merely sentiment.
_

After listening to this, I went back and read the notes I wrote about you in 2018. I smiled. So many flashes of memories rushed through my mind, together with everything I felt about you then — and perhaps still feel now.

Wanna know what I wrote?

“Tak siapa menduga tahun lepas Tuhan hadiahkan seorang perempuan yang baik pekerti, lemah lembut dan senang didampingi buat saya. Bersama dia, dunia menjadi sangat indah. Pada pandangan saya, Hara adalah seorang perempuan yang cerdas fikiran, cerdik mengatur hidup dan teliti dalam membuat keputusan. Jalan hidupnya tidaklah begitu mudah namun berjaya diharungi dengan tabah. Tuhan selalu anugerahkan sifat tabah pada perempuan. Mereka adalah insan yang hebat dalam menempuh dugaan hidup. — Jan, 2018

I have always called you by your name because you are the only Nurhara in my life.

I love spelling your name. I love pronouncing it carefully, as though it were a sacred word.

Thank you for coming into my life and for sharing so many moments with me.


Love and only love,
Abang 

Monday, September 14, 2026

People say, “Only diamond can cut diamond.” Many people do not know that Canada is one of the world’s largest producers of high-quality rough diamonds. In recent economic research, Canada has slipped from being the world’s third-largest producer to fourth place. Many mines have closed, and Canada no longer produces rough diamonds at the level it once did. Many Canadian diamonds are transported through Dubai via the Dubai Diamond Exchange (DDE). The final destination is Surat, Gujarat, where the diamonds are processed, cut, and polished. In Asia, Surat is a major diamond-processing hub, handling more than 90% of the world’s diamonds.
"Berapa tahun abang rancang pindah Canada?"
"Muda lagi masa tu. Tak jadi-jadi"
"Sebab?"
"Sentiasa ada pilihan lain. Tanguh, tanguh lagi, tanguh lagi. Sampai sudah tak pindah"
_

"Kanada okey tapi cuaca tak best. Sejuk ais"
"Sebab tu delay?"
"Ha. Sejuk sangat la. Bila Trump nak turun jawatan. Abang dah rindu nak balik kampung"
"Suka sangat Amerika"
"Abang tak suka Eropah"
"Suka kita tak?"
"Ah, my darling. You are utterly delicious. And your scent… God, your scent. You smell like heaven"
"Kedai dah bukak ye"
"Hahahahahaha"
_

"Abang dah tulis lama nak bagi Ara. Tadi cari nak edit tak jumpa. Dah ter-delete. Cuba ingat-ingat nasib dapat"
"You’re dangerously charming, abang. Melting dah kita"
"Melting ke mating?"
"Ey, nak kena simen?"
"Salah sikit nak simen orang"
_

"Ara dah makan?"
"Dah"
"Dah solat?"
"Dah"
"Dah baca Quran?"
"Dah"
"Dah selawat hari ni?"
"200"
"Dah doa untuk abang?"
"Dahhhh"
"Doa apa?"
"Projek abang sukses"
"Dah terima kasih dekat Allah?"
"Dah"
_

"Tak payah terima kasih. Dah memang tanggungjawab abang"
"Abang tahu tak perasaan orang cakap terima kasih, sebab bagi air masak aje? Kita belajar dari abang"
"Kalau kita tak berterima kasih dengan manusia, kita tak berterima kasih dekat Allah"
"See…sentiasa ada wisdom. Acam tu lah orang tua"
"Ada je point nak kata abang"
"Astu memang tua, an?"


Panggilan telefon
13/9
"Selamat pagi wahai sayangku hahaha"
"Eeee gelilah"
"Kata nak romantik. Romantik la tu"
"Dok pung"
_

"Kenapa Ara suka abang?"
"Awak yang ngorat kita"
"Bila abang ngorat Ara?"
"Takde ke?"
"Abang usha je. Lawa sangat. Takut nak tegur"
"Tu pun takut"
"Ye la ingat senang ke nak ngorat. Dah la lawa, entah anak siapa pulak. Abang tak main ngorat. Kalau abang ada Master, abang tak ngorat makwe ada Ph.D. Kalau duit abang banyak ni sebulan, abang tak tackle makwe gaji lebih dari abang. Abang sedar diri"
"Banyak sangat fikir"
"Abang scan dari tudung, baju, kasut, clutch, jam tangan, perfume. Otak laju calculate"
"Teruk nau perangai"
"Makcik Siti pernah pesan, cari isteri yang mampu sara bukan suruh downgrade lepas kawin. Makcik cakap bela perempuan tak macam bela ayam itik bagi makan je"


Panggilan telefon
14/9
DREAM City — 14 September, Monday

Oh, my darling, my darling, my darling. You have ruined me completely. I am like a king who has tasted his feast and now begs for more, day and night. If loving you has ruined me, then let me be ruined forever. Ah, my darling. You are utterly delicious. And your scent… God, your scent. You smell like heaven.

King of your heart,
Abang
Happy Wedding Anniversary, my dear abang ❤️

May Allah bless our marriage with endless barakah, and may our children grow up knowing true love because they have seen it in you. And should I be given the choice again, I believe I should choose you still, quite gladly. ❤️
_

It’s been a few weeks since Ara wrote this for me. Yet every time I read it, my heart wells up.

Why were you born so late, Ara? I wish I had found you sooner. I feel like I waited an eternity to meet you.

It’s 12:30 a.m. Time to sleep.

Goodnight, Ara.
"Cakap dekat dia jangan jadi emotional labour. Laki kalau beria, dia tak relaks. Kejab tanya itu tanya ini, order makanan, hantar itu hantar ini, siapkan itu siapkan ini. Suruh dia hantar spaghetti
bolognese dengan matcha sudah. Limit bagi emotional support. Bagi jangan berlebihan"
"Memang tak relaks. Kita yang rimas"
"Lepas tu ajar dia, kalau hak orang jangan ambil. Kalau kena reject, suruh dia move on. Cukup sekali. Jangan approach banyak kali. Perempuan tak hormat laki approach banyak kali. Nampak terdesak, nampak lembik, nampak tak laku. Nanti dia tak respect, dia boleh buat apa dia nak buat sebab dia tahu laki tu nak sangat dekat dia, sayang sangat. Jadi macam anjing kurap nanti. Masa nak sayang, masa tak nak kena tendang. Suruh dia jadi laki yang tahu nilai diri. Cinta bukan segala-galanya. Cinta tak letakkan kita di kedudukan paling rendah macam tak ada maruah"


25/5

Sunday, September 13, 2026

Surat — 13 September, Sunday

It's a heavy rain in Gujarat. They say rainy days make people miss the ones they love the most. I sit in a café, eat fafda with masala milky tea — earphones plugged in, listening to a poem — repeatedly. I wrote down each word, for you.
"I love everything about you. I have searched for beautiful places in mountains, oceans, and cities that never sleep. I have stood beneath skies painted with colours that had no names, but no place has ever felt more like home than the moment you looked at me as if my existence was something worth keeping. And perhaps that is the most beautiful thing about you. You make ordinary souls feel extraordinary."
Have a wonderful Sunday, darling.


Till we meet again,
Abang

11:45 malam

"Abang dekat tapak projek"
"Malam dah kan"
"Budak cakap ada hantu. Abang datang tengok"
"Tak takut ke?"
"Takut jugak"
"Astu?"
"Ara ada. Teman la. Apa guna ada bini. Malam Jemaat semua orang kenduri"
"Kenapa tak balik?"
"Abang nak balik. Ara cakap fokus sana. Haaa"
"Salahkan kita"
"Memang la"
_

"Mana hantunya?"
"Entah. Tak nampak pun"
"Balik, bang. Tidur"
"Okey"


10/9
"Yang basuh pam, dia. Yang basuh botol susu anak, dia. Yang urut bini time bengkak susu, dia. Yang bangun memalam panaskan susu, bagi anak susu, dia."
_

"Ye, ye, ye. Laki kita pun sama. Semua dia. Kita beranak aje"
"Apa tu?"
"Baca orang merentan"
"Pasal apa?"
"Susu badan"
"Tu pun jadi hal?"
"Ha'a, semua hal jadi hal. Socmed, kan"
"Dunia nak kiamat ke apa. Hal susu pun kecoh"
"Jab g abang baca pasal perempuan borak hal berapa cm dah buka, puting susu, panties — mesti abang terdiam terus. Dia orang takde malu, bang. Semua share public. Threads sana lagilahhhhhh. Cerita luar dalam. Boleh pengsan kalau baca. Kita perempuan pun malu"
"Suami masing-masing tak tegur ke? Jadi kayu? Suami ni fungsi utama bawa seluruh keluarga masuk syurga. Ini kalau biar, memang parah. Open sangat macam tu. Tak ada tatasusila. Ara kena ingat, sifat malu sebahagian dari iman. Seseorang yang beriman pasti memiliki sifat malu"


5/9

Saturday, September 12, 2026

"Ra, abang dah sampai airport. Ara tidur, tak payah tunggu abang. Sampai nanti abang mesej"
"Take care tau"
"Lepas letak phone, masuk bilik kerja, buka laci. Ada benda untuk Ara"
"Now boleh?"
"Tak surprise la"
"Laci nombor berapa?"
"Bawah sekali"
"Comelnya. Mini bouquet"
"Terima kasih jaga makan minum abang. Terima kasih jaga anak-anak kita. Terima kasih jaga harta benda abang. Terima kasih, Ara, jadi isteri abang"
"Puisi best"
"Gus Mus tulis semua best"
"Pena di tangan kanan,
kopi di tangan kiri,
dan kertas di atas meja.
Tapi kau tak di sampingku, 
maka apa yang bisa kutulis, 
selain rindu?"
"Aduuuu dah rindu"
"Tiger"
"Hmm"
"Thank you for making time for me even jadual abang full"


Panggilan telefon
12/9
"Abang naik mandi. Ara tak payah masak beria. Balik kejab je. Flight abang malam ni"
"Peknga boleh, bang? "
"Boleh. Lama tak makan"
"Kopi?"
"Pekat"
_

"Sekeping lagi ada? Sedap pulak"
"Sedap macam kita?"
"Macam siapa lagi"
_

"Dahlah, Ra. Pergi rehat. Abang balik bukan suruh masak. Abang nak tengok Ara"
"Tak susah pun. Nasi kenduri aje"
"Nak tolong apa?"
"Main dengan kembar sana"
_

"Terima kasih masak nasi kenduri siap ikan bakar. Berpeluh makan. Sedap"
"Sesedap kendurikan kita mmm?"
"Haaa tu lagi sedap hahaha"


12/9

Friday, September 11, 2026

Darling to my heart,

Did you sleep well last night, dearest? I'm at the balcony, holding a cup of hot chocolate after having sourdough garlic with olive oil for breakfast. It's 6:45 a.m. in Mumbai. The road is busy with motorcycles, cars, and buses. Traffic jams are everywhere. Horns are everywhere. People rush to go to work, students rush to school and college. The air is full of carbon dioxide. People are always in a rush. 

Any interesting topic to talk about? I have one. Sit closely to me. We will have something to think about. Last night, before hitting the hay, I listened to Emily Esfahani Smith's TED Talk. She talked about two main things that people find hard to distinguish—what is important in life? To be happy or to have a meaningful life. Philosophers tried to explain these things decades ago.
_

Is there more to life than being happy? Here’s what writer Emily Esfahani Smith discovered:

More people feel hopeless, depressed, and alone. It's a lack of something else—a lack of meaning in life. Happiness comes and goes as a state of comfort and ease, making us feel good in the moment. But having meaning gives you something to hold on to.

Meaning comes from four pillars:

1. Belonging: The first pillar is belonging. It comes from belonging to and serving something bigger than yourself.

2. Purpose: For others, the key to meaning is the second pillar: purpose. The key to purpose is using your strengths to serve others. Purpose is less about what you want and more about what you give.

3. Transcendence: It allows you to rise above yourself and step beyond yourself, developing the best within you in a completely different way.

4. Storytelling: The fourth pillar is storytelling—the story you tell yourself about yourself. Creating a narrative from the events of your life brings clarity.
_

I wanted to write more, but time always has its own way of diverting us. I need to get ready to go for a site visit. There’s no client to entertain; just a regular inspection. I wanted to hear your mind thinking from a different perspective. I think this topic is quite challenging and interesting to discuss. Take care of yourself, eat well, rest well, and no driving at 280 km/h, please.

Thursday, September 10, 2026

Just because I listen to sad songs doesn’t mean I’m dwelling on them. I just love the songs I grew up with, that’s all.

Tiada Lagi Airmata

 

"Sayang"
"Masa memula bercinta aje sayangkan kita astu takde dah"
"Baru sebut sepatah dah kena"
"Tak payah sayang-sayangkan kita. Sayang aje Kajang sana"
"Tak panggil, salah. Panggil pun salah.


3/8

Wednesday, September 09, 2026

"Kita suka tapi tak suka"
"Mana satu?"
"Dua-dua"
"Habis kena buat apa?"
"Padam and tulis semula"
"Sebab satu perkataan?"
"Yesssss"
"Nak letak apa?"
"Mulut manis tanya kita"
"Tolong fikir"
"Kita darling awak, not your sayang. Jangan ganti dia dengan kita"
"Mana ada. Duckling boleh?"
"Abang tahu kan kita tak suka"
"Ra…semalam abang mimpi iblis"
"Serius la?"
"Ye. Dia kejar abang. Semua tempat abang pergi dia ikut"
_

"Lampu kelip-kelip dalam bilik ni"
"Lelaki ke perempuan?"
"Perempuan"
"Baca ayat Kursi"
"Dah"
_

"Rindu Kajang ekkkk"
"Ra, orang tengah risau hantu. Dia Kajang, Kajang, Kajang"
"Kajang aje yang boleh tarik perhatian abang"
"Abang dah move on la"
"Tak perlu pun kalau masi sayang. Sayanglah dia sampai kiamat, bang. Kita tak kisah"
"Ye la tu"
"Benarrr, bang"
"Orang nak move on, biarlah orang move on"
_

"Abang nak mandi"
"Janganlah"
"Habis takkan nak tidur tak mandi"
"Abang tak takut ke?"
"Takut"
"Astu?"
"Mandi je la"
"Dia off lampu acam mana?"
"Ara ni"
"Kita cakap aje"
_

"Bang, kita ase hantu dah tertidur. Penat gaknya tunggu abang mandi"
"Ra, semua dekat rumah okey?"
"Kita ada story tapi malas story"
"Jom la tidur"
"Good night, abang"
"Charge handphone tu. Esok pagi call tak dapat"
"Bang, nak ayat cinta"
"Kedai tutup"
"Alaaa"


Panggilan telefon
8/9
Dearest to my heart,

It’s a rainy day, darling. I’m at the café with a cup of herbal tea and a bowl of noodles. Sit beside me. Let’s have an inner conversation. In this life, there are many blessings that Allah has showered upon me, and among the most precious is you. You have been there for me through every season — sunshine and rain, through every curve and turn. Not every day is smooth, but every day with you is extraordinary. You fill my days with laughter and smiles, love and patience. If love had a shape, it would be you.

There is a saying in Tafsīr Ibn Kathīr, in its commentary on Sūrah al-Aʿrāf 7:190  “There is no intimacy between two souls like that between the spouses.” You are a wonderful gift, beautifully wrapped in īmān, akhlāq, and tawḥīd. A gift I could never have earned, but only received through the mercy and generosity of Allah. What a beautiful gift. A gift I do not want to lose through my own blindness or foolishness — failing to cherish what Allah has so graciously placed before me.

Happiness often comes at unexpected times. When I met you, I never imagined that one day I would get to live my life with you. Yet here we are. Imām al-Ghazālī describes several causes of love, one of which is love arising from a hidden affinity — a subtle congruence and harmony between two souls. I have always told you that you are my rūḥī. Not every man gets the chance to marry the woman he loves. But I was given something even more precious — the chance to marry the woman who loves me the most.

If you promise to stay,
I promise to never leave.

I made duʿāʾ to Allah for a drop of water, and He gave me the ocean — in you.

— Arabic Literature


Love and only love,
Abang




Written on 08 September 2026
Edited on 09 September 2026 at 1:18 p.m.
Aduhai kekasih…berat sungguh rasa ini…kerana aku akan pergi meninggalkanmu, meninggalkan cerita kita…
_

Salam ke atasmu duhai kekasih pemilik hatiku, 

Selamat Hari Lahir, sayang. Semoga usiamu yang berbaki ini di manfaatkan untuk memberi kebaikan dan kesejahteraan kepada dirimu keluargamu, masyarakat, negara dan sekalian alam — terutama kepada Rabbmu. Berpegang teguhlah kepada tali Allah Yang Maha Pengasih lagi Maha Penyayang — yang menjagamu  setiap saat dan waktu. Moga engkau terpelihara selalu. 

Peliharalah dirimu, duhai kekasih — tutuplah auratmu dengan sempurna, jagalah batasmu sebagai perempuan, bersederhanalah selalu; marahmu jangan keterlaluan, bencimu jangan berlebihan, sedihmu jangan berpanjangan. Hiasilah dirimu dengan al-Quran, lengkapilah dirimu dengan adab dan ilmu. Jauhi permusuhan, ikhlas dalam setiap niat dan perbuatan. Nescaya engkau akan disenangi selalu. 

Sayangilah sesiapa yang menyayangimu, hargailah sesiapa yang menghargaimu, perjuangkanlah sesiapa yang  memperjuangkanmu. Bersabarlah dalam menempuh setiap ujian, kukuhkan pendirian, berani hadapi apa jua tantangan. Hidup ini tidak mudah tetapi kekal indah. Lebarkan sayapmu duhai kekasih, kejarlah cita-citamu, gapailah impianmu. Balutilah dengan doa dan usaha — engkau pasti akan berjaya. 

Selamat Hari Lahir kepada insan pertama yang menetap di hatiku, yang mengajarku tentang cinta dengan selautan sabar, yang mengajarku ikhlas dalam perhubungan, yang memberiku ilmu seluas langit malam, juga yang mengajarku erti melepaskan dengan penuh keredhaan. Maafkan aku kerana tidak punya keberaniaan untuk memilikimu. Semoga engkau berbahagia selalu. 

Hidup baik-baik, sayang. 
Abang pergi dulu.
My sayang, my almost forever, my baby love,

Perhaps this will be the last time I wish you a happy birthday. I knew you came back the second time not to disrupt my marriage or ruin my small family or my peace, but it has affected me both physically and mentally. I would like to say thank you for the memories, for your kindness, and for the part of your heart you once shared with me. I am so grateful for the time you spent with me. Loving you is the best thing I’ve ever done. I love loving you, but not every love story has a happy ending.

Please don’t dwell on “what ifs.” You are where you are meant to be. You have a beautiful family and a loving husband. He deserves all of you. Protect and cherish what you have. Be fully present in the life you have chosen. You chose to be there. No one forced you, and I am sure you are happy where you are now, with whom you chose. Allah always writes what is best for His servants. His plan is better than ours, even if we don’t understand or like it. I’m still happy loving someone amazing like you.

"You are the one who makes my heart happy day and night, you are the one who brings sweetness to my soul and heart."

(Arabic Poetry)

I am sorry for the six years of your life that I may have taken in ways I never should have. Please forgive me for the time, energy, and emotions you gave to me. If I could turn back time, I would not have let my love reach you—I would have kept it to myself. I would not have caused you pain, and most of all, I would not have made you wait. Waiting hurts… sometimes more than anything else in this world. You were the first place I learned to feel loved. Thank you for your patience in loving me.

While you are taking care of everyone else, please remember to take care of yourself too. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve that. To me, you will always be my rose—blooming, colourful, and full of light. Your presence makes this world feel softer, lighter, more alive. Eat well, stay healthy, get enough rest, and sleep properly. Health is wealth. And please… do not hurt yourself in any way. You may cry, you may scream, but never harm yourself. You are precious. Never doubt yourself.

I intended to wish you since last year because I knew you might be waiting for my message. I had planned to keep it simple. It would have gone like this:

“Untuk budak tak ada bulu, selamat hari jadi.
Daripada abang yang banyak bulu.”

I think it is time for me to step out of your heart. I have stayed long enough. What was once mine to feel is no longer mine to keep.

Bunga melati di tepi laman,
Harum semerbak di waktu senja;
Terima kasih segala kenangan,
Semoga bahagia hingga ke syurga.

Goodbye, my first love,
Abang


P.S. Goodbye, KB

xoxo

Tuesday, September 08, 2026

"Baju tu Ara tak payah keringkan. Dah rendam lepas tu nak bakar"
"Apa salah dia, bang?"
"Hari tu ada perempuan nak berkenalan. Dia sentuh lengan. Abang tak suka"
"Muda?"
"Entah. Ye kot"
"Dia cakap apa?"
"Minta nombor phone"
"Cantik tak?"
"Lawa Ara lagi"
"Orang tu dah bergetar ovari, dianya tak layan"
"Abang cakap I'm happily married. Tak berminat. Enough. Move"
"Asmidar aje boleh cairkan hati laki kita"
"Dia ada hantar emel"
"Bila?"
"15 bulan 8"
"Dah balas?"
"Tak"
"Tak? Ke belum?"
"Tak"
"Kenapa?"
"Abang tak nak ambil kesempatan atas kebaikan Ara. Lagipun abang dah dapat terima abang kalah. Abang dah boleh terima hakikat dia sayang laki lain lebih"
"Masih merajuk tak sudah?"
"Abang tak nak terlibat dengan bini orang"
"Kita percaya abang lelaki yang baik"
"Abang tak baik sangat, tak alim mana pun, iman nipis, tapi abang takut dengan Allah. Abang tak nak jadi punca rumah tangga orang runtuh"
"Does it still hurt?"
"I have to close the window, no matter how beautiful the view is. She chose her road, I chose mine"
_

"Abang dah tutup hati abang untuk dia. Abang jarang bagi orang peluang kedua. Dia takkan boleh memiliki hati abang. Pernah memiliki, dah tak ada lagi"
"Abang, she chose her husband. It doesn’t mean you lack something. You may be better than him, but she had to choose what she needed to choose. That’s it. Don’t hate what you once loved"
"I don’t hate her"
"Then what is it?"
"What matters in life is not what happens to you, but what you remember and how you remember it. And the way I remember her hurts me. I can’t lie to myself. It hurts"
"It’s okay, sayang. You’ll be alright"


6/9
"Panas kan, sana? Kita check 33° feels like 41°"
"Haah, tapi macam nak hujan"
"Kita sejuk dalam rumah. Abang berpanas dekat luar. Terima kasih abang, kerja keras untuk keluarga kita"
"Dah biasa. Panas sikit je"
"Kuatnya angin"
"Tingkat atas"
"Pakai safety tak?"
"Tak"
"Sekarang dekat mana?"
"Dah sampai tempat selamat"
"Sayang nyawa, bang"
"Ye"
"Panjang kita nak marah tapi kejab lagilah"
"Bye, Ra. Satu kali cium dekat ehem hehehe"
"Abangggg"


Panggilan telefon
07/09/2026
Saigon — 8 September, 1:29 a.m.

The monster came tonight and created an image of you at Krabi—your first night. It is not the first time. Maybe it will not be the last. The demon in me still struggles to release you, but my heart and mind have accepted the reality of you, the history of us. The image played for a few minutes, and then I distracted myself by thinking about the stars. You are no longer my moon. I did not look for her when I stared at the night sky. It is over, isn’t it? I keep you in another, safer place now—as a happy moment in my life. You were a chapter, not my whole story. A lover I learned to love. A struggle I learned to move through. A defeat I have accepted. And the hardest goodbye I have ever had to make. I do not want to say it. But I have to. An old Irish proverb says, “May you never forget what is worth remembering, nor ever remember what is best forgotten.”

Your last email was on 15 August 2026. I will not reply. I miss writing love letters to you, filling them with poems and quotations, finding beautiful ways to say what I felt. But I will not craft another beautiful one for you. You are still my favourite human— in the past tense. I stared at the date tonight and remembered the same date twelve years ago, on 15 August 2014, when you wrote “I’m staying, with you... I love you....” You said you loved me, and you loved him. I was confused. It was like the song Rindu Rinduan Jadi Kenangan. Then you clarified “…cuma saya sayangkan dia lebih….” It was an honest feeling. I do not get angry anymore. Nor am I sad. It has been twelve years since our breakup, and I will never forget that first morning—the morning I woke up and realised you were really gone. It changed everything. I have never been the same. 
_

ingatan adalah
sebuah peta

aku cuba mengikut jejaknya
tapi setiap simpang
membawa aku ke tempat yang sama:

kau
yang tidak lagi ada

— Fred Ikhtiar

Monday, September 07, 2026

"Ara, abang dah sampai"
"Selamat berjuang, bang hihihi"
"Eh hehehehe"
"Panjat pakai safety tau"
"Manjat Ara tak payah pun"
"Kita tak merbahaya"
"Tu bezanya"
"Ha'a"
"Bye, Ra"
"Take care, Tiger. You are so Tiger"
"Nampak tu. Habis macam mana nak fokus"
"Hihihihihi"
_

"Abang ada pantun"
"Bacakan"
"Besar sungguh batang durian,
Buahnya banyak bukan kepalang;
Biarpun jauh abang berjalan,
Di hatiku adik tidakkan hilang"
"Batang durian ye"
"Hahahaha ha la hahahahaha"
"Suka dia"
"Bye, Ra"


Panggilan telefon
07-09-2026

My dearest Nurhara,

It has been less than thirty minutes since I left the house, and already, I miss you terribly. Scientists suggest that electrons can survive for at least 66,000 yottayears—that is, 66 billion trillion trillion years. I have no other wish except to be with you, for as long as forever allows. I want to live long enough to spend a lifetime with you here on this earth. You are my sunshine, my sunsets, my colourful rainbows, and, of course, my morning coffee. Thank you for bringing so much happiness into my life.

Allah's gifts
are beautiful,
and you
are the most beautiful one.

— Arabic Literature


P.S. Please read this note while listening to Elliot James Reay’s I Think They Call This Love in the background.
"First time dapat surat Jawi ase acam nak melompat. Jatuh cinta sangat-sangat"
"Amboi"
"Ye, bang. Excited!"
"Trivia — Ara satu-satunya yang pernah terima surat tulisan Jawi dari abang"
"Eleh. Tak percaya"
"Betul"
"Ye ke?"
"Ye. Buat apa nak tipu"
"Ase acam…special…sikit"
"Banyak"
"Serius?"
"Kalau tak cukup istimewa, tak dapat surat dalam Jawi. Tak tulis Gurindam 12, Syair Burung Punggok. Tulis dalam Jawi pulak tu. Bukannya senang. Abang bingkaikan jadi hadiah. Tulisan abang buruk, tapi abang rasa itu hadiah paling bermakna abang bagi untuk Ara"
"Sangat bermakna, abang"
"Hadiah paling murah Ara pernah dapat, kan? Hadiah tu ikhlas dari hati abang"


6/9

Sunday, September 06, 2026

"Raaaa. Abang dah balik hehehe"
"Agak dah"
"Biar la orang balik. Esok pergi lagi"
"Cakap tu acam berulang Selangor-KL"
_

"Abang nak makan?"
"Dapat pakej Ara sekali tak?"
_

"Kenapa minum teh kita?"
"Cawan Ara lagi sedap"
"Sama aje"
"Mana sama. Sini ada bibir Ara hmmm…"
_

"Lama tak dukung Ara"
"Abang okey tak ni? Takut kita"
"Jom mandi!"
"Kita dah"
"Teman la. Takut"
"Takut la sangat"
_

"Esok abang janji abang kerja. Hati dekat Ara… nak buat macam mana"
"Couldn’t stay away from me?"
"Hmm…mmm…"
_

"Come here. Dance with me"
"You forgot your shirt"
"I thought you liked me shirtless"
"Only if you’re comfortable"
"I am"
_

"I miss you, Nurhara sayang"
"Acércame a ti"


5/9
"Baru turun kapal terbang dah rindu bini"
"Rindu kita keee"
"Yeeeee"
_

"Ambil la tiket datang sini. Kita boleh pergi Da Nang"
"Bang, tengah kerja, kan? Fokus sana"
"Tapi hati fokus dekat bini"
"Bini setia di sini. Awak sana, kerja"
"Tak bagi muka"
_

"Kerja semua okey. Nak balik ah"
"Abanggg"
"Yela dah pergi tapak, dah tengok semua. Haa boleh la balik"
"Bakpo gini?"
"Rindu bini"
_

"Ara rasa abang boleh ke bina sky…"
"Boleh. Abang boleh"
"Belum habis cakap lagi"
"Kita dah jawabkan"
"Tak boleh balik aa ni?"
"Nope!"
"Okeylah. Abang fokus. Nak fokus apa nampak Ara je"
_

"Abang dekat kedai cari buku bunuh-bunuh"
"Tak kerja ke bang?"
"Kerja dah tadi"
"Bila?"
"Kerjakan Ara je belum hehehe"
_

"Ara, abang dah masuk office"
"Okey"
"Ra, abang sedap tak?"
"Abangggg, kerja"
"Ha, ha. Kerja, kerja"


Panggilan telefon
5/9

Saturday, September 05, 2026

Last night, while I was mopping the dining area, a poem suddenly popped into my head — “And I will never forget / Like I was nothing.” It is such a sorrowful line that I was so sure it was written by Charles Bukowski, but it was actually written by Antonio M. Arce. Back in 2014, every poem I read seemed to be about lost love. I did not want to drown in the thought, so I quickly let it pass. I then finished mopping, took a bath, read two paragraphs of a conference paper about mitochondrial DNA, listened to a song by Mega — Pasti, swept my body with my homemade Ayurvedic massage oil, and got ready to sleep. Past love should stay in the past.

I took my pocket notebook from a drawer and read a few lines I had written in crosswriting. It was about Ara—more and more about her. We have been spending a few weeks sailing around Malaysia and beyond. I feel more connected to Ara. We cook, eat, read, and pray together. Sometimes we discuss various issues and have heated debates, watch series, and simply enjoy each other's presence. We have been intimate almost every night. It feels like a mini-honeymoon. The boat has become her best sanctuary. I have found the best way to explore the world with Ara. It is with the boat. She can cook, bathe, do laundry, read and play with the kids freely.

Our nearest plan is to sail back and forth to Indonesia. Indonesia has many small islands that I have never had the chance to explore. Between the beaches of Thailand and Indonesia, I still believe Indonesia has much more to offer. Furthermore, it is safer compared with Thailand. Travelling by road or airplane is not the same as sailing. Sailing is more peaceful and quiet, and challenging in some ways, but we can enjoy nature more. One thing I love about sailing is that we can anchor at uninhabited islands. It is truly a new experience for my wife and my four tiny humans, as some islands can only be reached by boat. New discoveries lead to new knowledge. 


Pulau Angsa
August 26, 2026
_
Edited September 5, 2026

Friday, September 04, 2026


"Laa kenapa dia tak main kaki?"
"Acam kartun, kan?"
"Macam Popeye the Sailor Man"
"Cosplay asenya"
"Ni kalau bini degil kasi angkat je"

"Tu Ara tak tahu. Laki kurus tinggi jadi rebutan ramai macam nombor satu tu sebab dia ada "long shaft". Sekali kena sampai senak perut hahahahahaha"
"Itu aje tahu"
"Betul aaa. Setengah ada "long shaft". Setengah ada "big head". Pilih yang mana berkenan untuk di tiduri di malam hari hahahahaha"
"………………"
"Aduh, aduh! Sakit, Raaaa. Orang cakap benda betul"
Hi abang,

Abang sihat? Semoga yang baik-baik saja untuk abang...

Sekejap je masa berlalu, dah 4 bulan saya kat Ireland ni...

Bye abang, jaga diri...

(Sabtu, 15 Ogos 2026, 9:13 pagi)
_

I received your email at 4:14 p.m. on the same day you sent it to me. I was then at Port Klang, en route to Pangkor Island. This time, I genuinely felt that you were simply sending an email as a polite gesture to say hello. I am glad that you made it to Ireland, whether to continue your Master's degree or to work abroad. Hats off to you, dearly. I am so proud of you, even though I know I contributed nothing to this new chapter of your life. You were always a fearless and adventurous girl who relentlessly pursued your dreams. You are a true philomath. Fly high. Keep growing in your career and studies. 

How's Ireland? Is it that good? Where are you staying—Dublin or Galway? I do not know much about Ireland, and I cannot even remember the last time I was there. The one thing I can remember is that the RMS Titanic made its last port call at Queenstown, now known as Cobh, on 11 April 1912. Have you ever been there? The other things I know about Ireland are mostly its writers: the prolific poet W. B. Yeats and his unrequited love, James Joyce and Ulysses, Oscar Wilde, and Colm Tóibín. Irish literature has a vast amount to explore. You should try reading them, starting with Oscar Wilde.

Nearly three months after we stopped speaking, I came across a quote that said “If she truly loves her man, she may have to hurt another man’s feelings to protect the one she loves.” At the time, I realised that you had done the right thing in protecting the person you loved. You once told me that he did not deserve to be hurt by you. Those words hurt me deeply, but eventually I came to understand what they meant—you loved him deeply, and he loved you wholeheartedly. I had to learn that the hard way. You did not write those words to hurt me. You were simply being honest about your feelings.

I may not reply to your email, not because I have nothing to say, but because I do not know what should be said. More importantly, I do not want to reopen an old wound or make room for feelings that should remain in the past. You told me that you are genuinely happy in your marriage, and I am glad that you found your person. Whatever feelings I once had for you no longer have a place in your life. I am trying to put our memories somewhere safe, so they no longer have to wander through my present. Healing does not mean forgetting. It means accepting what was, and accepting what is — amor fati. 

You know that feeling when you realise you were the one responsible for the failure of a relationship? I still struggle to lift that burden from my shoulders—the knowledge that I played a part in making everything fall apart. I was not your safe place to pour out whatever was inside your heart. You spoke to me as though you were walking on an iceberg. You had so much to say, yet you could not say it because you were afraid of how I might react. I made honesty feel dangerous. You learned to edit yourself before speaking, to weigh every word carefully before allowing it to leave your mouth. 

Looking back, I realise that I did not give you the emotional safety you deserved. I treated you with a lack of maturity, and I failed you more times than I would like to admit. We became two human beings carefully measuring every word, constantly afraid of what the other might feel. Instead of being a place where we could both lay down our burdens, we became a place where we had to protect ourselves from one another. I failed you repeatedly. And perhaps the hardest thing for me to admit is—I was not a good man for your heart. A man like me doesn't deserve a place in your life. 

Thursday, September 03, 2026

"Abang, daripada semua benda dalam dunia ini yang abang boleh beli, kenapa kambing?"
"Comel. Ketek-ketek je"
"Tak nak. Hantar balik"
"Apa kambing tak boleh jadi hadiah ke?"
"Boleh, tapi pelik. Tak pernah di buat orang"
"Hadiah lembu pendek kang hahahahaha"
"Abanggggg! Kita serius"
_

"Jom, bagi makan kambing"
"Tak nak"
"Jom la"
"Jangan memaksa kita"
"Nak jalan ke nak dukung?"
"Fine"
_

"Dia suka Ara. Nampak dia lompat-lompat dekat Ara"
"Acam ni ke bau kambing?"
"Hahahaha yela"
_

"Google pasal kambing eh "
"Nak tahu aje"
"Suka ke tak hadiah tu?"
"Hadiah tak logik, bang"
"Cinta pun tak perlukan logika"
"Logik abang apa senanya?"
"Mandilah. Dah bau kambing"


31/8

Wednesday, September 02, 2026

"IG?"
"Tak ada"
"Phone number?"
"Tak ada"
"How do I contact you?"
"Tak perlu"
"I've caught feelings for you"
"I'm happily married"
"Too bad. I already like you"
"Tak berminat"
"You’re interesting, you know that?"
"Enough. Move"

Monday, August 31, 2026

"Pendek dan ringkas. Amenda masalah"
"Wa off seminggu …"
"Tak payah datang sini. Tak di alu-alukan"
"Celaka!"
"Kau datang sini kang suruh orang jaga. Orang lain yang penat. Ocio baru nak recover"
"Lu ada"
"Aku memang tak free. Nak bawa budak-budak belayar"
"Wow! Wa mau ikut follow"
"Kau bukan ada akal. Kang kau campak anak aku dalam laut apa pun tak dapat. Pergi je la travel sendiri"
"Ceh, berkira!"
"Nak datang, datang dengan Kak Ain. Kalau tak, tak boleh. Kang datang menyusahkan orang"
"Kici wa punya hati"
"Jujur, terang …"
"Tegang kahkahkah"


01-08-2026
"Bila kau kawin?"
"First July"
"Laa takkan dah ada masalah?"
"Wa punya bini suruh cuci itu dia punya seluar dalam. Wa tak ley terima, bro"
"Kau campak je la dalam mesin. Abenda susah?"
"Cilakak. Muka wa dia pijak-pijak. Wa suami ley"
"Habis esok kalau dia mengandung, siapa pulak nak cuci?"
"Wa tarak tau maa"
"Don't sweat on small things la, bro. Benda dia kau nak pakai"
"Cipap?"
"Ye la. Aku lupa dah nak cakap apa tadi"
"Wa manyak panas hati. Wa rasa wa mau kasi cerai"
"Benda senang. Letak dalam mesin. Bukan kena gosok pakai berus. Kalau kawin tak nak buat apa, nak bini ikut 100% — senang je, cari orang gaji. Habis cerita"
"Wa mau pakai itu puki"
"Nak makan luar, haram. Jadi suami tak nak"
"Syurga dia bawah wa maa"
"Bab ni pandai syurga"
"Wa kena kasi cuci? Itu macam?"
"Jangan bawa anak orang masuk dalam neraka yang kita cipta. Sudah ah, cakap banyak pun tak guna. Jadi duda, ambil maid. Tak boleh tahan …"
"Main sabun kahkahkah"
"Puasa la woi"
"Kahkahkahkahkah"


13.07.2026
"Araaaa, abang beli kawan baru. Sini la tengok"
"Apa ni, bang?"
"Kambing la. Pygmy. Comel kan"
"Nak kenduri ke?"
"Taklah. Bela. Happy Anniversary, Ara. Ni hadiah untuk Ara"
"…………"
"Apa tengok abang macam tu? Orang bagi hadiah kambing. Nanti dia beranak boleh jual"
"Kambing?"
"Orang ni kan, nama dia Ara. Dia memang tak berapa mesra binatang sikit. Sabar eh, nanti dia okey"
"Gitu aje dia introduce kita? Abang ni kannnnnn"


30/8

Sunday, August 30, 2026

اللهم خفف عني ثقل هذه الأيام
O Allah, lighten my burden for a few days.

 

"Kalau kita tak tanya, abang tak sakit dada kan…"
"Taklah"
"Sorry, bang…mmmm"
"Some realisations can be quite hurtful. Abang ada hati yang besar, tapi hati abang dah tak mampu tahan kesakitan. Hati abang dah tak boleh terima. Reality is more painful than I thought"

Saturday, August 29, 2026

"Abang tak rindu Kajang?"
"Dia dah mengerang kesedapan dekat sana, abang sedap dekat sini. Okey la tu. Sama-sama sedap"
"You okay?"
"Okey. Kenapa?"
"Pelik aje. Abang tak pernah cakap macam tu"
"Dulu abang selalu fikir…dia sayang siapa banyak. Abang dah tahu…jelas dan nyata. Kadang-kadang…abang cuma harap dia sayang abang lebih tapi kawin dengan laki lain. Abang silap. Sama jugak bila dia datang balik. I thought she wasn't happy in her marriage and wanted me back, but then I realised she was genuinely happy in her marriage. And then I learned that being happily married still means you can be curious. That was when I learned something new about human behaviour. It was quite a shock to me. The saddest part is, perhaps, that I may have occupied a very special place in her heart, but that doesn't mean she loves me more"
"That's something the heart struggles to accept"
"Very hard to swallow…"

Thursday, August 27, 2026

Sudan dan Perebutan Kuasa

Hari ini tidur awal. Tidak lena, tetapi cuba untuk merehatkan badan. Kami belayar ke sini melalui Selat Dinding. Sauh berlabuh lebih kurang pukul 4.10 petang. Selesai urusan pendokumentasian, kami ke hotel. Datang dengan bot, tetapi tidur di hotel. Bot selesa sahaja, tetapi mahu juga merasai suasana baharu. Esok akan menaiki feri menyeberang ke Pulau Pangkor. Terdapat resort persendirian di Pangkor Laut, tetapi tidak bermalam di sana — susah pula hendak bergerak kerana tiada pengangkutan antara Pangkor Laut dengan Pulau Pangkor. Terjaga daripada tidur, mata tidak mahu terlelap. Mandi, terasa lebih segar. Tiba-tiba terasa lapar. Buka beg, ambil Mee Kari Nyonya. Mi ini diperbuat daripada tepung atta. Sementara menunggu mi masak, bancuh lemon panas dengan secubit garam. Ara terjaga — pantang bau makanan. Dia minta dimasakkan Maggi Asam Laksa. Maggi kedengarannya seperti produk Malaysia, tetapi sebenarnya dicipta di Switzerland oleh Julius Maggi. Memasaknya sedikit renyah — air didihan pertama perlu dibuang, kemudian dimasak semula untuk membuang bahan awetan.

Kami berbual tentang krisis politik di Sudan. Tahun ini memasuki tahun ketiga Sudan berdarah. Konflik tercetus pada April 2023 dan melibatkan dua kuasa bersenjata utama Sudanese Armed Forces (SAF) dan Rapid Support Forces (RSF). SAF ialah angkatan tentera rasmi Sudan yang dipimpin oleh Jeneral Abdel Fattah al-Burhan, manakala RSF ialah sebuah pasukan separa tentera yang dipimpin oleh Mohamed Hamdan Dagalo, atau “Hemedti”. RSF mempunyai akar sejarah dalam kumpulan militia yang pernah beroperasi di Darfur, termasuk rangkaian yang sering dikaitkan dengan Janjaweed. Perang ini pada asalnya merupakan perebutan kuasa antara dua pemimpin dengan dua struktur ketenteraan yang berbeza. Konflik kemudiannya berkembang menjadi perang yang jauh lebih kompleks, melibatkan kumpulan bersenjata tempatan, faktor etnik, kepentingan ekonomi serta campur tangan kuasa luar seperti Emiriah Arab Bersatu (UAE), Mesir, Iran, dan beberapa negara lain.  Konflik Sudan bermula selepas kejatuhan pemerintahan Omar al-Bashir pada tahun 2019. 

Omar al-Bashir telah memerintah Sudan selama kira-kira tiga dekad. Pada 2018–2019, demonstrasi besar-besaran tercetus akibat masalah ekonomi, inflasi, kekurangan barangan asas dan penolakan terhadap pemerintahan autoritarian. Pada April 2019, al-Bashir digulingkan. Pemerintahan bertukar tangan apabila tentera mengambil alih melalui Transitional Military Council. Selepas al-Bashir digulingkan, rakyat Sudan terus menuntut supaya negara diperintah oleh kerajaan awam. Gerakan politik dan masyarakat sivil, termasuk Forces of Freedom and Change (FFC), memainkan peranan penting dalam tekanan tersebut. Akhirnya, pada 2019, satu susunan perkongsian kuasa antara pihak tentera dan awam diwujudkan. Abdalla Hamdok dilantik sebagai Perdana Menteri, manakala Abdel Fattah al-Burhan menjadi tokoh utama dalam struktur ketenteraan negara. Pada ketika itu, Sudan kelihatan mempunyai peluang untuk melakukan peralihan daripada pemerintahan tentera kepada demokrasi. Di sinilah hubungan antara Burhan dan Hemedti menjadi sangat penting, tetapi masalah utama masih belum diselesaikan.

SAF berada di bawah struktur tentera rasmi. RSF pula berkembang menjadi sebuah kuasa ketenteraan yang sangat besar dan mempunyai rangkaian politik serta ekonomi tersendiri. Selagi kedua-dua pihak mempunyai pasukan bersenjata yang berasingan, Sudan pada dasarnya mempunyai dua pusat kuasa ketenteraan. Burhan dan kepimpinan tentera mahukan penyatuan di bawah struktur tentera rasmi. Hemedti pula tidak bersetuju dengan proses dan tempoh penyatuan yang dicadangkan. Perselisihan tersebut menjadi semakin serius kerana ia bukan sekadar soal organisasi tentera. Ia juga menyentuh persoalan seperti pihak yang mengawal negara, ekonomi, kuasa politik, sumber semula jadi dan pihak yang menentukan masa depan Sudan. Pada Oktober 2021, Burhan mengetuai satu rampasan kuasa yang menamatkan susunan perkongsian kuasa yang sedia ada. Abdalla Hamdok kemudiannya diletakkan di bawah tahanan rumah sebelum kembali ke jawatan Perdana Menteri untuk tempoh yang singkat. Peristiwa tersebut melemahkan lagi proses peralihan demokrasi. 

Pada masa yang sama, RSF terus berkembang sebagai kuasa bersenjata yang berpengaruh. Akibatnya, ketegangan antara SAF dan RSF semakin meningkat. Pada April 2023, ketegangan antara kedua-dua pasukan akhirnya bertukar menjadi peperangan terbuka. Pertempuran besar tercetus di Khartoum, termasuk kawasan sekitar lapangan terbang, kompleks kerajaan dan kemudahan ketenteraan. Pada mulanya, ramai menganggap konflik itu mungkin berakhir dalam masa yang singkat. Sebaliknya, perang merebak ke pelbagai wilayah. Darfur menjadi antara kawasan yang paling teruk terjejas. Di sana, konflik mengambil dimensi yang lebih kompleks kerana sejarah panjang keganasan antara kumpulan etnik, militia dan komuniti tempatan. Wilayah ini mempunyai sejarah konflik yang panjang sejak awal 2000-an. Kumpulan yang dikaitkan dengan Janjaweed pernah dituduh melakukan pembunuhan beramai-ramai, pengusiran penduduk dan pelbagai jenayah terhadap orang awam. Apabila perang 2023 tercetus, sebahagian konflik kembali tertumpu di Darfur. 

Secara ringkas, perang Sudan boleh difahami melalui beberapa lapisan perebutan kuasa, terutamanya ekonomi. Emas merupakan salah satu unsur penting dalam ekonomi politik perang Sudan. Sudan mempunyai industri emas yang besar. Kawalan terhadap lombong, rangkaian perdagangan dan laluan eksport emas boleh memberikan kumpulan bersenjata sumber kewangan untuk membeli senjata, membayar pejuang, membiayai operasi ketenteraan dan membina rangkaian politik serta ekonomi. Oleh itu, perang Sudan bukan hanya mengenai ideologi atau agama. Sumber ekonomi merupakan sebahagian penting daripada struktur kuasa yang mengekalkan peperangan. Konflik menjadi lebih kompleks kerana kedudukan Sudan yang strategik, iaitu di persimpangan Afrika Utara, Tanduk Afrika, Laut Merah dan dunia Arab. Laut Merah pula merupakan salah satu laluan perdagangan paling penting di dunia. Perkembangan di Sudan memberi kesan kepada kepentingan banyak negara. Hal ini mencetuskan minat negara luar terhadap Sudan terutamanya UAE dan Mesir. 

Beberapa negara dan aktor luar telah dituduh memberikan sokongan kepada RSF, termasuk Emiriah Arab Bersatu (UAE), Chad, Kenya, Libyan National Army (LNA), serta rangkaian rentas sempadan yang melibatkan negara-negara jiran. UAE secara konsisten menafikan tuduhan bahawa ia membekalkan senjata kepada RSF. Antara tuduhan yang paling serius ialah dakwaan bahawa senjata dan bantuan kewangan disalurkan melalui rangkaian serantau sebelum sampai kepada RSF. Hubungan antara emas Sudan, rangkaian perdagangan dan kepentingan ekonomi UAE juga sering menjadi sebahagian daripada perbahasan mengenai perang ini. SAF pula telah dikaitkan dengan sokongan daripada beberapa negara, termasuk Mesir, Iran, Turkiye, Rusia, Eritrea dan, secara lebih kompleks, Arab Saudi. Mesir mempunyai hubungan keselamatan dan sejarah yang sangat rapat dengan Sudan. Iran pula memulihkan hubungan diplomatik dengan Sudan pada 2023, dan ada laporan mendakwa SAF menerima bantuan ketenteraan Iran. Turkiye pula membekalkan teknologi ketenteraan kepada Sudan iaitu dron.

Rusia pula mempunyai kepentingan terhadap emas Sudan serta kedudukan strategik di Laut Merah. Rusia mempunyai kepentingan strategik yang lebih luas di Sudan. Antara matlamat yang sering dibincangkan ialah usaha mendapatkan akses ketenteraan dan logistik di Laut Merah. Rusia pula mempunyai kepentingan terhadap emas Sudan serta kedudukan strategik di Laut Merah. Rusia mempunyai kepentingan strategik yang lebih luas di Sudan. Antara matlamat yang sering dibincangkan ialah usaha mendapatkan akses ketenteraan dan logistik di Laut Merah. Pada masa yang sama, rangkaian yang sebelum ini dikaitkan dengan Wagner Group mempunyai kepentingan dalam sektor emas Sudan. Oleh itu, Sudan bukan sekadar konflik Afrika. Ia juga merupakan sebahagian daripada persaingan geopolitik yang lebih besar, melibatkan Rusia, negara-negara Teluk, Mesir, kuasa Barat dan pemain serantau lain. Arab Saudi memainkan peranan penting dalam usaha diplomatik untuk menghentikan perang, termasuk melalui rundingan damai walaupun mempunyai kepentingan tersendiri.


Catatan: 18.08.2026