Kuala Pilah — 30 May
Do I really miss you, or do I simply miss the nostalgia we once shared? Nostalgia matters because of the person behind it. We may think we miss the memories, but more often, we miss the person who gave those memories meaning. Without them, nostalgia becomes little more than an empty echo. In one of the letters that Albert Camus wrote to Maria Casarès, he said "You and I met and fell in love passionately, impatiently, dangerously. I regret nothing." Those words remind me of our own story.
On 28 August 2024, I copied a verse by Qays ibn al-Mulawwah into my notebook —
"I pass by her house,
the house of Layla,
And I kiss this wall and that wall.
It is not the love of the houses that has taken my heart,
But the love of the one who dwells in those houses."
Ustaz Fahmi Zam Zam once quoted an Arabic proverb — "If you keep thinking about someone, you will find yourself looking at the roof of their house." My heart smiled as I remembered the days when I used to pass by your parents' house. And yes, I would always find myself looking at the roof. In Malay culture, some people believe that if a person keeps staring at the roof of someone's house, it is because of cenuai. Makcik Siti once asked whether you had done that to me. I told her you were too kind.
She still insisted that I visit a bomoh somewhere in Tapah or Gopeng. I assured her that I was completely fine. I simply missed you. For several weeks, I ran a high fever and would call your name in my sleep. Makcik worried deeply about me. Even today, I miss you as though it all happened yesterday. There is something quietly comforting in knowing that a single moment of genuine happiness can be enough to give meaning to an entire life. You once gave meaning to mine.
Life moves on. We live different lives now, yet amid our busy days and quiet moments, we sometimes pause for a second to remember the people we once loved. We replay the memories, the songs we shared, and how beautiful everything felt back then. Sometimes the memories make us sad; sometimes they make us smile. Sometimes we carry them lightly. Sometimes they carry us. Thank you for coming into my life. Through you, I came to understand the meaning of love, loss, and life.
"Endure, O heart
at other times,
you have endured worse."
— Homer, The Odyssey
…
Originally written in Kuala Pilah on 30 May 2026 while travelling home from Singapore.
Edited on 4 August 2026 between Batu Pahat and Pulau Pisang while en route to Batam, Indonesia.