I don't know where to start. Maybe I've just realized something. I'm sorry that I didn't understand you didn't like the idea of me doing something to have you in my life. Actually, I did some research about your work abroad so we wouldn't have any arguments about it like we did in the past. I looked into the requirements, experiences, skills, and so on. I wanted to talk to my wife about us, but I couldn't find the right time.
I'm sorry if, in these past six months, I've destroyed your peace of mind with my behavior. I know it's been hard for you to cope with my attitude. It's not your fault; it's mine. It's my internal conflict and constant "mind talking" that always shifts my mood. My head is always having a "conference," and it's hard to stop. It constantly reminds me of everything. I'm sorry if, in these six months, I have burdened you. I am truly sorry.
I’ve started to love staying here. In fact, this is the longest "holiday" I've ever spent here. I used to stay around 7-10 days only, but this time I had a reason to stay a bit longer—to see you from a distance, to see where you work, to admire you from my car window, thinking about how life would feel if I could be near you, embrace you, hold your hand, and taste your sweet lips. You are all I want in this life. Nothing compares to your existence.
I am sorry that I have this feeling of wanting you in my life, even though I have been defeated again and again. I know I won't be your choice. You have your reasons, and that is not your fault. I feel ashamed for wanting you more and more. I should know where I stand, but I always forget. Hope is sometimes a terrible thing. We chain ourselves to something uncertain. Hope is something too big for us. I also want to stop hoping.
I have been happy, sad, depressed, and struggling in these past six months, but I do smile a lot reading your texts or talking to you. I used to climb to the rooftop just to have a phone call with you. On the rooftop, the atmosphere is quiet. I can listen to your melodious voice without any disruption. That is why you hear the birds chirping. I would climb again and again just to have a chance to hear your voice. It’s a beautiful memory to remember.
I miss your lap to lay on and your shoulder to lean on. When I was in Goa, you asked me who I leaned on for my strength. Back then, it was you. When you left, I had nobody to turn to. I learned to rely on myself, but relying on oneself without anybody feels so draining. We need to learn to rely only on God, and it is not an easy task either. Life has its ups and downs, but the best moments and the best person I shared them with were you.
I have written too much. Sorry for wasting your time reading my scattered thoughts. I just wanted to say goodbye. I will be leaving tomorrow for Mumbai. I will fly to Costa Rica on July 13. The kids start school on July 15. Well, you asked how long I would be here, so here is the farewell. Perhaps this is my last email. I want to take pride in my dignity and no longer seek anything from you. I feel ashamed for having begged. A man shouldn’t beg for love.
I feel so ashamed. I'm sorry that I loved you too intensely and didn't know how to love you properly. I often misunderstood you or caused you to misunderstand me. In truth, I failed at loving you. I have nothing to offer other than my heart and a willing ear to listen to you. I have loved you in the wrong way, and still to this day, I can't seem to make it right. We continue to argue, and misunderstandings persist between us.
I should stop writing, and I feel sad because it’s like I need to hang up the phone. I am sorry that I wasted your time 16 years ago. No amount of apologies could repay your time. I am sorry for hurting you in any way. I am sorry for any harsh words that wounded your soul. Thank you for being my lover, my companion, my advisor, my confidant. Thank you for being my everything. I know what love feels like because of you. It drives me to madness.
I am so lonely without you… each poem I read, each love song I listen to, always makes me think of you. I have a lot of questions to ask, but when we are on the phone, I become clueless and forget everything. I just focus on your voice and forget what was on my mind. Can I kiss your forehead before I go? Goodbye, my first love. I'll always love you and never know why. Missing you in silence has tortured my heart each passing day.
July 11, 2024