I truly believe that you have loved him since the day you met him. If you didn't like him, you wouldn't have given him a chance and space to get close to you. I read what you wrote in our blog, "Semoga ada jodoh kami…". You gave him conditions, and he successfully fulfilled them. The best man won your heart.
I have come to realize and accept that you love him more (please don't deny it just to spare my feelings). I'm okay with that. I must accept it even though it hurts. Reality often hurts us, and we have no choice but to accept what God has written for us. You chose him consciously. No one made that decision for you.
Sayang,
I still love you as I always have, no matter what happens between us. I may get mad at you at times, but I never hate you. If I hated you, I wouldn't reply to your emails. I am someone's husband now. I have commitments to fulfill. I have a wife and kids who need my attention. I have responsibilities to carry.
I know you feel sad when I tell you that I can't call you for two to three weeks because I need to focus on my business problems. I didn't mean to distance myself from you. I just need time to pull things together. My workers depend on me. I have a huge responsibility to uphold. Sorry if the calls upset you.
You went to Krabi with your husband, and I took my family to New York. I didn't want to bother you with my texts, so I sent only one email per day. My intention was for you to focus on him and forget about me for a while. Your mind is consumed by thoughts of me, as if I were essential for your mental function.
I feel like you are feeling uneasy with him. I feel like you are faking your love and care towards him. I feel like you don't want him to touch you. You don't like that he enjoys you. You want to run from him but you can't. You already have a life with that man. I feel sorry for you. Perhaps it's just my delusion, nothing more.
You know, sayang, when I miss you, I never touch my wife. I just can't. Do you know how hard I try to endure my desire for you? It's hard. I want you, but in front of my eyes is another woman. I have to distance myself from you to be able to touch my own wife. I don't want to touch her when my mind is on you. It's wrong in our faith.
She is a good wife for me. Each time I pray, I always ask My Lord to make me love her more than I love you. I know I love her less than I love you. I feel guilty for not loving her as much as she loves me. I cry, begging My Lord to help me make her enough for me and not to look back at you to feel complete.
It's a heavy feeling...
May 12, 2024