I have learned that when we hurt someone we love, we can't always fix it. You can come back, but you can't heal them. As the proverb goes, 'A broken heart is like a shattered mirror; while you can piece it back together, the cracks will always remain.' Sometimes, healing is more painful than the wound. Therefore, when you are in a relationship, treat your partner the best you can. If someday you lose them, you won't feel regret. When you become older, regret will take your peace of mind.
I feel drained and tired. I usually leave my phone at my desk, but now I carry it everywhere to check for a text. I still check the chat app, waiting for a reply, even though I have notifications turned on. The app always tricks me—no notification appears, but when I check, there's a message. We haven't been texting much lately. It's hard to get a reply from her, and I don't blame her. I blame myself for letting something distract me from my work and causing me to lose focus.
I have focused so much on her that I feel like everything else in my life has lost meaning. I've forgotten to be grateful. One of my businesses has successfully gained more profit than I expected, but I am too busy counting what I don't have to appreciate what I do. I feel heartbroken, down, and stressed thinking that she is not mine. Sometimes I feel depressed when awful memories from a decade ago resurface and mock me. These memories bring tears to my eyes.
I want to give her a call, but I need to wait almost 6 to 8 hours just to have a few minutes of conversation. Lately, I haven't had the chance, even after a long wait. I don't want to wait for a phone call anymore. I don't want to wait for a reply. There was a time I waited from 7 AM to midnight and didn't get a reply. I am a terrible man; as long as she doesn't say good night, I assume the conversation isn't over. I know people will say I am giving my energy to the wrong place.
So, I made a decision to stop texting her for a while until I pull myself back together. Emailing is a lot easier. I don't have to wait (even though I still wait), but it's not as hard as waiting for her text. She can focus on her work and family without feeling guilty about me. I can do whatever I want without checking my phone regularly. Everybody wins. I am too old to be sad about this kind of thing. I tasted this sorrow ten years ago, and I do not want to experience it again.
June 8, 2024
_
Then you told me over the phone that your husband had taken your phone while you were putting your kids to bed. I forgot about that.