Dari Jauh

Merindu dari jauh...

Rusuk Kiriku

Antara langit dan bumi
ada kau ada aku

Antara bulan dan bintang
ada hati menjadi satu

Antara malam dan siang
engkau sentiasa
dalam dakapanku

Kekal

Sesuatu yang akan kekal setelah kita mati adalah kasih sayang. 

Kusut

Walau kusut macam mana sekalipun
awak tetap ada saya.

Tiada Ukuran

Bahagia itu tidak pernah ada ukuran. Sesuatu yang subjektif untuk di perdebatkan. Sesuatu yang infiniti. Ada orang bahagia walaupun kena pukul hari-hari. Kebahagian sukar di perhitungkan. Tiada ukuran universial untuk mengukur bahagia. Saya masih berasa bahagia walaupun sering berduka. Seperti pelangi datang selepas hujan.

Saya cuba lenyapkan rasa duka dalam hati. Tapi perasaan tak boleh di lenyapkan sampai mati. Sampai bila-bila pun perasaan sayang, sedih, kasih, suka, gembira tetap wujud. Sebabnya manusia di lahirkan bersama entity bernama akal. Akal yang mencipta rasa;  bahagia, sakit, derita, suka, sedih, sengsara. Untuk mewujudkan segala rasa, otak  perlu di bangkitkan dahulu.

Hidup memang penat kerana kita bergelut dengan kehidupan dunia. Setiap satu daripada manusia akan merasa pelbagai rasa dalam satu detik yang sama. Saya selalu mengeluh kerana penat merasa sakit yang semakin hari semakin bertambah. Saya cuba bersabar tapi tembok kesabaran runtuh juga kadang-kadang. Manusia biasa.

Saya cuba bangkitkan cas positif dalam otak.

Tahun depan banyak perkara menanti. Antaranya graduasi. Manis, dia bakal menyarung jubah. Harap-harap saya masih di sisi ketika itu. Atau mungkin saya sudah berhijrah ke alam lain. Harap tidak. Saya tak mahu lihat airmatanya berderai.

Pernah terfikir untuk kehilangan orang-orang yang kita sayang? Kehilangan amat pahit. Hari-hari kita doa supaya orang-orang ini tetap terpelihara dengan kita; di samping kita selalu. Kita takut nyawa mereka di ambil. Mereka, pinjaman dari Tuhan. Cukup tempoh dipulangkan.

Bagaimana kalau dia pergi dulu sebelum saya? Bagaimana hari-hari saya nanti? Ketakutan ini tak ada bezanya, sayang. Saya tetap takut kehilangan. Takut hilang awak dalam kehidupan saya. Saya doa Tuhan jangan ambil awak dari saya. Saya doa supaya Tuhan tak ambil saya. Kalau boleh saya nak hari-hari tua saya; awak ada.

Tapi...kalau sakit saya bertambah teruk...saya akan bebankan awak. Saya akan tambah kesedihan awak. Saya tak mahu itu. Kalau macam tu saya lebih redha Tuhan ambil nyawa saya.

Walaupun sakit saya bertambah teruk. Saya tak mahu banyak merungut. Biar saya pendam diam-diam. Saya kedekut. Saya tak mahu kongsi dengan awak. Saya tetap mahu senyum depan awak walaupun awak sendiri tahu senyuman saya kadangkala palsu. Terima kasih kerana masih sudi berbagi kasih dengan lelaki seperti saya.

Saya cuba tidur. Tapi tak boleh. Gusi masih bengkak, sakit. Berdarah.

Selamat malam, sayang. Bangun nanti, kena senyum panjang sebab awak on call sampai malam. Mesti rindu saya nantikan? 

Tak Pernah Padam

Walaupun rasa sakit semakin menikam

rasa cinta tak pernah padam.

2.03 am

Manusia tidak akan berhenti berkata tentang cinta

kerana ia sesuatu yang indah untuk diperkata.

Priceless

It has been said that everlasting friends go long periods of time without speaking and never question the friendship. These friends pick up like they just spoke yesterday, regardless of how long it has been or how far away they live; they don't hold grudges. They understand that life is busy and know that you will always love them.

3.30am

I shall devote the rest of my life to keeping her happy, for as long as I can...

My Supplications

Please give me strength to go through this ordeal...

I love you, sweetie

Hi honey,

Good luck with your case presentation. I am sorry for not accompanying you last night and the other night. I feel sad and irresponsible.

 

Million words will not be enough to express my feelings for you. I love you with all my heart and soul. My love for you is like the wind – it is everywhere.

 

When I read about lovers ending their relationships, I become sad and scared that one day we will face the same fate. I pray day and night that you will be mine for eternity.

 

I know you love me deeply. Actions speak louder than words, and I am grateful for that. I am so glad to have you by my side through thick and thin.

I know it's not easy to have someone who will wait until the last breath. I know it's hard for you. I know you never give up on me. Thank you, honey. I appreciate it.

 

I don't care if people say our love isn't like Romeo and Juliet's. Who cares anyway? As long as I have you, I have everything.

 

Honey, August 12 is coming!

I love you, sweetie, more than words can say.

Your Endless Love

I am sorry if I made you worries. I am sorry for not be the real me for two days. I am out of mood. I have eaten my pills; I have taken my dinner just like you asked. I knew you are tired and need rest. Thank you for accompany me and shares short of stories.

Tomorrow you have class at 9am and spend your night at hospital. When you heading home, its half late night and I know you are thinking about bed. Your body extremely exhausted. Don’t be sorry honey. I get used with all this.

I feel your warm breathe. I hear you snoring. And I smile. On morning, when I tell you that you are snoring, I know you will say “No, I don’t”. Believe me honey. Yes, you are snoring but not the whole night.

Thanks for never ending support that you gave me. I really needed. You never fail to hold me up. Your love made me stronger.

Hug you tight.

I have more than left hand

1

My right hand is dysfunctional. I can’t even hold a glass of water. It is hard for me. I am about to lose another gift that HE gave me. HE wants to take back. And my eyes become more blurred. I can’t read for too long. I feel pain when my eyes grasp the light of laptop and lamps. My life becomes rough.

What else that I have? Only my left hand and lucky I am left handed. I know sooner or later I will lose this hand too…

2

I stop taking pills. I refuse to eat any medicine. Eating too many pills can’t make me feel better. I become worse with the side effects. You can say I have given up. That’s half truth.

3

I hate my wife’s college. Why should she have class on Sunday? She supposed be with me. Come on, [future] doctor also need a break both physical and mental.

4

Huda love arts. She likes drawing and painting. And now Huda has new hobbies. She learns how to make origami and miniature. These remind me to my young brother who is so artistic. Yes, I miss you Carl. I hope you live in peace there.

5

Besides playing games, Umar learns tarranum. I think he have opportunity to be next Imam Muda. My neighbours called him bilal kecil. Start from last month, he recites Quran from ustaz muda who volunteer to teach him without taking any fee.

6

I have more than left hand. I have her. I have my kids.

My Guardian Angel

I have problems with my laptop, needs to service and format. I didn’t write quit long because I lose my ability to write, to choose between words and write in proper sentences. I also have problem with my eyes. Every night I can’t sleep. My half part of body got cramped and my head still in pain. Every time I couldn’t breathe properly, I am afraid that was the last day I alive.

I love you very much. I love until death make us part. I pray God give me one more day to breathing. I wish I could give you more happiness. I want you in my arms, hold you close and feel your gasp. I pray I could give you bright future and spend our old days together.

Some said, I should stop fighting and let God handle the rest. They might think that is the best for me. They are wrong. I won’t stop fighting. I won’t...

When I lay beside you and looking to your face, I feel so in love. When I in pain and you touch my hand simply made me feel comfy. Your magic hands made me feel better. Thanks for always stay strong with me, honey. I love you with all my heart and soul. I love you the way you are. I always want to be your man, your protective man.

I am handicapped and you still want me in your life. I am half death and you still love me. I am lucky to have you in my life. There are no words to say how glad I am to have you in my life.

You’re my guardian angel.

Fatwa Pujangga

Sejak berkongsi hati dengan wanita sentimental sifatnya, heavy metal sudah hilang dari diri.

Thanks for the strength you gave me

I wish I have words to pen down. But I don’t have anything to write. This week seems nothing to me as I just lying in my bed. I even can’t read. It seems that one of precious gift from Him will be take away. I hope not. I have problem with my eyes, both.

Honey, I know you can be my eyes but I still need these eyes at least to look deep into your eyes. Am I going to losing this too? Please, don’t take this from me. I need these eyes. I am not ready to lose my eyes. Who does?

I did radiotherapy on Monday. And yes, the side effects made me become worse. That the things that I am going to share with anybody. I could not share how hurt it is. It’s hurt….

There are books on my table and beside my pillow that I wanted to read. Not to read and write is painful. One of my other worlds is not in my hand anymore. I wanted to write, to read. It is enough if I can read daily newspaper. I just wanted to hold a paper in my hand.

But…my energy is so weak. I could not hold a glass even.

Honey, I love you. Thanks for the strength you gave me.

...

Indahnya dunia saya
kerana awak mewarnainya
ibarat pelangi
di subuh hari

Come what may

I miss you baby. Please get well soon and we can make babies. Yes, babies. Come what may, I will love you forever.

I promise.

..

Enak rasanya merindu-rindu begini
bila berjauhan...

Namun amat terseksa.
ironi bukan?

.

Wahai bayu

kirimkan benih-benih rindu ini

pada ratu hatiku...

A Company Like You

Dear Mrs.Imran, 

What a blessing it could be to have the company of a person like you.

Yours,

 Mr.Imran

Paris

The Air Full of Love

To fall in love is a fantastic feeling. Peoples who never feel it won’t know how love can be a big impact of your life. My relationship with her like rollercoaster , have ups and downs. We did fighting and arguing over many things although it is small matter stuffs.

I feel great with her. Sometimes, when I sing and she said she love my bad voice, it simple can made me proud of myself. Who not? Love is hard to explain for those who don’t feel it. There is no theory about how to fall in love or who is the right person who suit for you. Love is love.

I am still in happy mood to see my brothers and sisters get married. My parents house full of happiness. The married couples can’t stop smiling, hugging and sometimes kissing. Not that type kissing, mind you just on cheek or forehead.

When you love someone, you would do everything to please your loves ones. There is no doubt about this. Sir Kellie builds Kellie’s Castle for his wife at Batu Gajah years ago. Shah Jahan builds Taj Mahal for Mumtaz. Both architecture are vast to shows how great their love and passion. I have been going this place a few times [before I’m paralyzed].

Speaking about Taj Mahal, my love went there yesterday. She said she feel the wind of love. At Taj Mahal, you could feel the air full of love. Peoples smiling, taking photograph and so on. I miss the air around that place. It’s warm and peaceful.

I’m not good in saying words or to be honest I can’t builds any other Taj Mahal to fulfill your requisition. I’m only could give my heart, the onlythings that I’m sure I can give you. Owh, I can give you ten babies if you wish to. How amazing to have 12 kids!

Love is like air. You could feel the warm but cannot touch it. You even never know what the real meaning of love but you know what love is. We are unaffordable to build Taj Mahal or Kellie’s Castle. But it doesn’t mean that we cannot show them what love all about is.

Show it or you will regret. Love is you and all about my life is about you. Forget to tell you honey, I’m at Ocio’s house. The couples are going for honeymoon. While I write this, Huda and Umar are ridding horse.

I miss you baby, a lot.

The Wind of Love from London to Agra

Hi honey,

1

I’m speechless. Honey, our Ary, yes, Ary Gay have wife now! He had solemnization today at 11am. Okay, I need to be honest that I am in big stun. Nobody assumed Ary will get married since everyone knows that he is gay (according to his confession).

His wife name Anna. They are in same profession. Reception would be tonight at his yacht. No one have thoughts about this and seems everyone keep talking about that. Ocio keep his mouth shut for Ary. They play drama in front of us. Grr!

By the way, the journalist couple is here. They have solemnization too. Ary asked them to join his reception tonight. They have assigned back to Libya. That’s mean they didn’t have much time to spend with me and others.

2

Huda and Umar wish you Happy Mother’s Day. Honey, how’s Agra? I hope you could feel the wind of love there. Taj Mahal is a great architecture. I hope I can be as great as Shah Jahan to protect and love you with all I have. I miss you badly. How’s your fever? Take pills please.

3

Umar won “Cute Boy” competition. He can’t stop cheery. I miss you sweetie. Forget to tell you, last night Aunty Mai slept with our kids. She still scared to have first night with Uncle Harris.


I miss you, deeply. Love and hugs.

Mahal ka sa akin

Hi babe,


1

Sorry I can’t wait. I’m tired and sleepy. I’m sure you have something to clear up. Its okay, we can Skype later. By the way, tomorrow we will fly to London at 9AM from KLIA. Umar busy packing his stuffs. He brings three bags likes he going to stay for two months.


2

I went to dialysis centre today. I got bad news. Honey, did you still remember that old man I told you before? Yes, he is. He passed away yesterday. He’s lonely in the house when he say good bye to the world…May Allah bless him.


3

Sigh… my entire body feels not really good. Is my time coming soon? Good night my dear sweetheart. Have a good time there. I miss you very much.


aku rindu setengah mati kepadamu
sungguh ku ingin kau tahu



(Rindu Setengah Mati - D’Masiv feat Kevin Aprilio)


Love you, much.

-xoxo-

Don't judge others

I’m at a coffee shop while my assistant, Pak Mad, takes my kids to KLIBF. I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to navigate PWTC with a wheelchair through a crowded area. Sitting here with my laptop and books is much more comfortable. I look around and see many people walking around, holding hands. They notice me, and I smile in return.

The people here seem to be from the upper or upper-middle class. They drive exclusive cars, wear high-end clothing, and use the latest cell phones. They live their own lives, and it’s apparent that many foreigners—Arabs, Filipinos, Burmese, Siamese, Pakistanis, and others—are here too. We have a good life, and it attracts their attention and work.

As I observe these people, I admit I have my own views about them. Yes, it’s wrong to judge others without knowing their true selves, but we often can’t help but make initial impressions based on appearances. Unfortunately, these impressions can be far from the truth. We tend to judge people based on what we see rather than recognizing them as ordinary beings created by God.

For example, a young couple holding hands might seem unmarried, but they could have eight children. An old man in dirty clothes might appear poor, but he could own a 30-hectare estate. A pregnant young woman walking alone to the clinic might seem like she is carrying an unwanted baby, but she might have a husband who couldn’t join her for a routine check-up.

We don’t know the full story. We base our judgments on superficial observations, which are not always accurate. We often judge others but dislike being judged ourselves. As the Filipino proverb goes:

“The rattan basket criticizes the palm leaf basket; still, both are full of holes.”

No matter how much money you make, how high your education, or how powerful you are, you are still a small creature in the grand scheme of things. Everyone is the same. Having superiority in any field doesn’t give anyone the right to judge others.

The Quran advises:

 

“O you who believe, if a wicked person comes to you with any news, ascertain the truth, lest you harm people unwittingly, and afterwards become full of repentance for what you have done.” (Al-Hujurat 49:5)

I wrote this for myself, not for anyone else. Last night, I taught my kids the advice of Prophet Jesus:

1. Always mention Allah when speaking to avoid a hardened heart.

2. Do not view the wrong actions of others as if we are superior.

3. Examine our own wrong actions as if we are slaves.

4. Some people are afflicted by wrongdoing, while others are protected from it.

5. Have mercy for those afflicted and thank Allah for protecting us from wrongdoing.

For those curious, my kids don’t attend school; they are homeschooled with me as their sole teacher. Last night, I taught them about life’s philosophy. I understand people might say that philosophy is too serious a subject for three- and six-year-olds, but as the Malay proverb says, “Meletur buluh biar dari rebungnya,” which means “Train the bamboo while it’s still a shoot.” I put this into practice.

Yes, understanding life is a serious subject, but our approach to teaching our children is earnest and dedicated.

Gusto kitang makasama habang buhay

1

Its 2.22am and I still awake. As usual, Umar needs his daddy to accompany him watch telly. No Ultraman tonight, he watches Batman. This morning he plans to plant papayaya. I taught him about photosynthesis and he wanted to know how papaya grows up. We have bought papaya’s seeds yesterday evening.

2

Honey, still miss me? It just one day without phone calls and you missed me so bad. No doubt I miss you too. Hey, don’t miss me that much. You won’t able to do anything if your heart just keeps calling my name. I knew you can handle heart matters. Please do that.

It’s good the whole lot have settled down. I’m quite worried. Obstacle is part of adventures. Remember that always. 

After they had confirmed that Anwar is Lelaki Y, today I read about sex video part two. Likes movie, the actor is still the same. I guess so.

I’m thinking about 1Malaysia e-mail that squanders our money. Do we need that? I think we most need free wireless hot spot rather than e-mail server.

3

My body becomes weaker day by day and I still keep doing chemotherapy. I need chemo to fight bad cells and in the same time, my body cannot stand tough to have radiotherapy. What should I do?  I live with high hope and its makes me still alive.

Hey adorable girl, I love so much. Please handle yourself with care.

You at all times look sexy in my eyes

Hi sweetie,

1.

Okay, sorry for not respond to your message. Blame to Maxis! Hey honey! We are at Cameron Highlands. It is not in my planning at first. Umar asked to bring him around and Huda comes out with suggestion to go to Cameron. I agreed!

On May 1st, we will fly to London for wedding occasion. I’m not sure how long we would stay there, maybe only one week. Everything in Ocio’s plan and he didn’t text or call me to inform. I guess him quite busy for last minute preparation.

When the whole thing have confirm, I will let you know.

2.

Good new for you. Utusan had reported that Lelaki Y is Anwar. I didn’t read further. It’s none of my curiosity. I bet you happy. That’s all I can tell you for today. Owh! Other interesting topic - Policemen have found fingers in plastic bag. Yes, only fingers without hand.

3

Honey, I think you didn’t have any capacity in taking pictures. Some pictures are blurring. You look sexy with pink t-shirt. You at all times look sexy in my eyes.

Miss you sweetheart.

Cherish your life today

1.

Yahoo! No more text books, no more notes, no more exams. I’m sure you are happy because exams have ends even today’s paper is more tough than expected. It is okay Honey. Don’t bother with that. Most importantly, you are free now, at least for two days before going to India.

Nothing much I could write here. Today just like yesterday. Everything seems to be fine. Huda has discharged from ward and Umar got fever last night. Umar didn’t sleep well last night because he misses his sister. I bought ice cream but Umar didn’t eat either Huda.

2.

I met an old man at dialysis centre. He was about 70’s something and he was alone. Nobody accompany him there. We had chit chat and exchange stories. He told me none of his kids wants to take care of him. They seem busy with works and daily life. He stays alone at his old house and nobody pay a visit at least once in a month. I could see his sad eyes and I nearly to cry.

He took bus from his house because he couldn't drive. I was imagining how hard it is for him to walk to the bus station and walk again to be here. Years before he stayed with his eldest son but not longer after that his son send him to old folk home.

Yeah…You know what it means.

He said his son is more than affordable to take care of him but still he refuse to. This old man needs a friend to talk to. I lend my ears for him for four hours. I know how sad he is. Fathers who work so hard for his children and had been throw by his own blood. Who didn't feel heartbreaking?

3.

I never expect to be like this. I mean to have brain cancer and use wheel chair to move. Like everyone else, I expected my life will be okay until my last breath. Life is unexpected. Today we are fine but tomorrow nobody knows. Maybe tomorrow is your last day on this earth. We pray and we hope everything would be fine as it is.

My whole life has changes a lot. Every single thing seems tough for me. I must adapt all those things. I must learn how to cope with that. We are on learning process every day. We learn how to make people love us, we learn how to make our life better than previous years, we learn how to be a better person from day to day, we learn how to cope with new thing happened around us, we do adapt new changes in daily life and so on.

Life is not easy as we think and yet not so hard. Every person has their own challenges. Everybody have their own accountable to carry. We have our own life. My life is not similar like you not because I am special. I believe each person of us is special. The thing is, we must think we are creating to be special. That’s the new way how I see my life.

Cherish your life today. Maybe tomorrow never comes. Who knows?

Poems

Its afternoon and I make great effort to complete Buku Puisi Untuk Dia. Until now, I have about 10 poems which are not enough. I was planned to write about 15 poems. She had asked about the progress of her present. I knew it sound not surprise.

Maybe when I have completed that book, I will show it here. No promise. I been stuck for a while when my baby lappy had attack by naughty Trojan. For three days I struggle to remove the virus. Thanks to the wife, she helps me a lot. Well, she’s computer experts.

Her birthday is tomorrow, April 12. I will give this present before she goes to India for one and half month. Hopefully, today I can have a rain of idea so I could write and complete this special present for special person in my life.

Much Love.

It’s not our option, God choose for us because He knows better.

Do we need any particular reason to love someone? We love someone for no exactly reason. So don’t bother to ask why. We used to hear love at first sight or last love ever after or puppy love. We believe what we want to believe. For instance, I do believe love at first sight while my wife believes last love. After all, it is about love. Love, in any case is more important than prosperous.

You cannot force someone to love or hate you but certain people do believe that shaman can do it. When I at a stall around my place, I hear [hearsay] someone talking about shaman. Forgive me for hearsay but I couldn't help myself not to hear that because they sit near me.

This woman was talking about her daughter who falling in love with a fat boy. She didn't like that boy simply because he is fat and she claim that her daughter is beautiful and deserve better. She was asking her friend about shaman. She wants the shaman work on something to make her daughter hate that fat boy.

It is not the first time I hear about that. Certain people meet shaman because they do trust shaman could make someone that they adorable fall in love with them. They believe shaman have power to do so. I don’t believe it. Shamans just want your money.

Why we always judge someone by their appearance? It doesn't matter fat or thin, black or white, as long as we love, then it's nothing to be question. There should be no double stand or discrimination. All human being are deserved to be in love. It’s in God’s hand not ours.

If we keep questioning why, it means we questioning God’s work. It’s beyond our ability to choose who we want to love. It’s not our option, God choose for us because He knows better. Remember He creates us.

In short, if we find shaman to change our destiny, it means we change His planned. I don’t know why we used to compare a couple through their appearance. For instance, A doesn't match to B because B is attractive whereas A is not so good-looking. B ought to have better in other words.

Who are we to say A is not suit for B while God write in our destiny that she/he is the one to accompany us in not-so-long journey?

We always want to be God.

Pelengkap

Dia,

si manis

kekasih saya sepanjang hayat.

Rasa

Sayang,

rasa itu

tak pernah luntur

tak akan padam

tak mungkin berkurangan

7 Hours

1.

I have a lot of stories to write. Well, infamous reason why I didn’t write simply because of time. Last week we went to my second hometown and straight to Langkawi Island. We stayed 3 days 2 nights. Nothing much differs and to be honest, I do not really love to spend my time there. I prefer Redang Island or at least Tioman.

My kids were so excited when I told them about the legends of Mahsuri. Umar keep asking me why these things happen, who involved in that conspiracy and so on. He enjoys asking question while her sister chooses to listen. Yeah, they have different character.

2.

…and I like the seven hours we lay side by side on Sunday morning in bed. Honey, I think we can write down our names in Guinness World Record for that seven-hours-record.

3.

I still on my mission to complete my poems book as a present for her. Don’t ask how many poems I have written. I wish I could finish it on time. If not, she will go to India without my present. I need to work hard in limited time. Please stop ticking.

4.

I think she has finished her revision. I need to climb into bed [borrow her words] to sleep.

I love you.

To the remarkable woman in my life…

Love is a moment that lasts forever.

 - Julie Wittey

 Truly yours,

Sweetpie

Doing Nothing

Sitting next to you doing absolutely nothing

means absolutely everything to me...

Rusuk

Engkau tulang rusukku; yang tak pernah gagal

memberiku ketenangan

Ciptaan Terindah

Engkau ciptaan terindah dari Tuhan untuk aku...

Nothing Else Matter

2.12am

1.

I melt with you…

I love this feeling that we had now. We fall in love for second time. This feeling is so sweet and I like it. I even didn’t have any right words to describe what I feel towards you. To have you in my life it’s like to have the whole world. I knew its sound hyperbole but it is true.

We shared the same feeling and it makes our love charming. What you feel, I feel it too. Today, I feel uneasy and when you text me and say the same things, what would I say. We share everything. You are my best companion ever, my best friend and my other half.

I don’t care much about our dissimilarity. Most importantly,

you still here with me; nothing else matter.

2.

You forget to ask what I missed to tell you.

Last couple days, before you sleep I think I want to say I Love You Very Much but I failed. I tried hard but I’m too shy.

3.

I love you wildly. Good night and sweet dream.

Cuddle

1

We went to Tesco after I did dialysis. Grab some vegetables, fruits, chocolates and milk. After that, we went to Jusco to buy books at MPH. I bought several books that I have make wish list before. There are Room by Emma Donoghue, Sizzle by Julie Garwood, Wishes by Jude Deveraux, The Passage by Justin Cronin and The Lotus Eaters by Tatjana Soli.

For my kids, I bought them Samsui Girl, Gasing Boy and Wayang Girl all by Ho Lee-Ling. Ho a Singaporean writer who had won AFCC’s inaugural First Time Writers and Illustrators Grand Award 2006 was a historian by profession.

On the way to back home, we stop for half an hour at Novelhut. I bought 15 novels for RM 14. Yes, I knew it is very cheap even the cheapest I have buy. I also bought four Times magazines for RM 2 each. In Novelhut there are no children story books. Maybe they have but I couldn’t find it.

Umar want perfume. He always wanted to be handsome all the time. I bought Hugo Boss for him. He can’t stop smiling and give me kisses. And Umar, please don’t asked daddy about your boxer. There is no size for you. If they have surely daddy will buy one box for you.

2

Last night we had sleep outdoors at my house. Umar want us to accompany him sleep out side the house. He said “Camping season”. He also request me to prepare for him a fan so he won’t get warm while sleep. Yes, he is so fussy.

And my wife sleeps damn early last night! Maybe she likes to sleep in a small space so she could cuddle me firm. I think so. As I lay, I look at the stars and I smile to my mum there. Good night mum, rest in peace. Thanks for bring me to this world. I love you.

3

In the morning, I am sulked because my wife sleeps early and leaves me alone. It’s Friday night dear! We should have some talks.

Never mind, I still love you even though you sleep early.

Guzaarish dan Euthanasia

Saya menonton Guzaarish seorang diri di dalam bilik. Tentang seorang lelaki yang menderita akibat Paraplegia dan ingin mati melalui petisyen mahkamah. Mahkamah menolak petisyen tersebut. Tidak ada istilah mercy killing. Setiap hari saya cuba menerima hakikat hidup. Setiap hari saya doa agar sakit saya hilang di bawa pawana. Tapi masih belum bernasib baik. Saya tak pernah lagi fikir yang saya akan bunuh diri atau minta kebenaran dari mahkamah untuk di bunuh untuk menamatkan kesakitan ini.

Kata Ummi, sakit itu kifarah setiap doa yang anak Adam lakukan. Kata Ummi, kita harus redha dan terima setiap dugaan yang ALLAH kirimkan buat kita. Kata Ummi, setiap yang berlaku ada ganjaran yang tinggi untuk kita. Dan saya rasa amat berdosa tatkala saya cuba bunuh diri dahulu. Saya berasa sangat malu jika di beri kesempatan berdepan dengan Ummi. Saya bertambah malu bila nanti saya akan bersoal jawab di hadapan Tuhan.

Kita memang tak ada kuasa untuk mengambil nyawa sendiri kecuali kita terpaksa berbuat demikian dalam beberapa keadaan walaupun sebenarnya masih tidak di benarkan dan di anggap berdosa. Mungkin dalam keadaan seperti Ethan yang mengidap Paraplegia - tidak boleh merasa apa-apa pada anggota badannya, lumpuh separuh badan. Ketika membuang air juga dia tidak berasa apa-apa. Sofialah yang membantunya. Untuk hidup dalam situasi begini memerlukan kecekalan kerana insan yang lahir normal kemudian menjadi tidak normal akibat kemalangan memerlukan semangat yang kuat untuk terus hidup - hidup dalam kesakitan dan penderitaan. Menanti setiap masa nyawanya di ambil Tuhan.

Orang yang sakit tak mahu mati kerana dia ingin mati. Dia ingin mati kerana hanya dengan itu dia dapat merasa bebas dari kesakitan. Kita tidak perlu berasa aneh kerana adakalanya kita berasa dunia seolah-olah tertutup untuk kita nikmati. Kawan saya, si pemikir kreatif selalu menyatakan bahawa “ Hidup ini perlu di rai dan bukan untuk di tangisi”. Kawan saya itu pernah berkata, “Hidup kita seperti melakukan seks. Adakala di atas dan kadang-kadang kita di bawah. Jika kita selalu berasa di atas, kita lupa nikmat bila kita berada di bawah”.

Apapun yang kita lalui, kita pasti pernah berasa berada di atas, bawah, tepi, kiri dan kanan. Posisi hidup kita tak pernah sama dan kerana itulah hidup kita menjadi indah. Ethan tetap mengambil keputusan untuk membunuh diri dengan bantuan orang yang paling di kasihinya, Sofia. Baginya, penderitaan perlu di tamatkan. Bagi saya pula, hidup perlu diteruskan kerana janji Tuhan belum sampai.

Love…over and over again

I heard a lot of things about love. People always talk about how it makes you smile, makes you cry, makes you laugh, makes you feel good about yourself, and a whole lot of other things but they missed one thing, one most important thing:'

They missed to mention how good it feels to fall in love with the same love over and over and over again, and you still find your love and lover fascinating every second you spend time together. It makes you feel like you would want to keep on falling in love forever and hope it will never ever stops.

by Mrs.Imran

Feb 27,2011

Sweetness

She said :-

"Your love is so sweet and I'm very much addicted to it. I think I'll be a diabetic soon. Thanks to your love. Nothing can beat the sweetness of your love".

I love you.

Much, Much Love

It’s time to do chemotherapy again. The chemotherapy programme began with the anti-cancer drug gemcitabine. There are a few other regimes available consisting of two, three, or even four, chemotherapy agents. The side effects - lethargy, occasional low blood counts - were tolerable and self- limiting.

At first when doctor diagnosis that I have cancer, my wife got panic. She always asks over me about my medical treatment, medicine, CT scan. Every single minute she keeps remind me to eat pills sharp on time, eat a lot, don’t do this, don’t do that.

She even wants to be my doctor - formal doctor. I say no. I can’t have someone relate to me to be my doctor. She’s get angry when I didn't tell her the result of CT scan or what I have discussed with my doctor. She’s mad.

Long after that, her actions change. If I said I need to do chemotherapy or radiotherapy, she won’t let me do that. Ironically isn't? From that time, I know I was made mistake. I keep saying that I can go through this pain. I even don’t need her support.

I was wrong. I realize that every time she’s babbling because she loves me. There is no reason - just love. I hate when she starts asking all about my pain. Unhealthy people abhor when you ask them about their tenderness. If you think that question would help them to feel easy, you are totally wrong.

Sayang, you should know why I refuse to talk about my pain all this time. It is because I don’t want you have personally affected. Let say if I’m your patient and you failed to safe my life, would you blame on yourself? I believe yes because I am somebody to you. Doctors are human too. We cannot escape the fact. They are, often, fallible. They become slaves to their minds and sentiments. They feel. They emote.

When you are finally graduated and gain the title of “Dr” in front of your name, you are expected to conduct yourself professionally. Honey, you can't treat me with your medical understanding. You only can treat me with your love and tender. I can’t wait to see you in white coat as a formal doctor - that is my wish, my last wish.

You are Dr [soon]!

Much, Much Love.

Sometimes, all we have to change is our perspective

People seem concern to people like me. I think so. They used to ask whether I am happy with my life. Do I happy? Yeah, I am happy. But most of the times, I’m not really happy - unhappy. I am still learning to adapt, to accept what have been happened in my life. I’m copying.

Maybe I just need to be more open - heated. My big brother said “It’s your fate and you must accept with smiling on your face. We cannot change what God had planned for us. He’s our Creator. All you need is learning how to cope with your new “life style”. I know it’s hard but you have no choice”

I still go to meet psychiatrist. Once, he said that “If you don’t feel happy with the way your life is going, you are able to change it. Sometimes, all you need is to change your perspective.” Maybe the times is coming for me to accept that I am disable person now who always need helping hand even though I refuse to. People said - its ego.

Be grateful with what we have.

Honey, I miss you.

You are always gonna be the one

I'll remember to love
You taught me how
You are always gonna be the one


Good morning love.

My day would be this colorful if there are no you in my life.

Everyone has their own story. I read some of my favourite blog. They write about life. Mostly they are woman who frustrated with life. One of them had been divorce. She has 4 kids. Another girl had fallen in love with someone but that guy fall to another girl. Other girl writes about her pregnancy progress. Life full of secret and have natural colour.

We met a person who had lost his/her dear one. We met a woman who had lost her dear husband. Some of them are struggling to keep alive. We are struggling every single day to be breath. We are struggling in different types. Some of us have to work hard to get more money for their child. Some of us have to fight with their bad health. We do struggling in our own way.

Life is so special. I do believe it. Our life will have ups and downs. It’s just like a circle. Everybody will face the hard time once or more than once in their life. That is why we called it life. Life is not static. Life has to move on. I have passed so much critical time in my life. I didn't think to suicide but I did it and I failed.

I’m suffering not because I have brain cancer. I’m more suffering because of depression. My life totally changes when I’m paralyzing, had tumour, need to dialysis, and need to meet psychiatrist.  It’s not easy for me to adapt all that. I need time. Until now I still try to adapt my new life style.

I didn't share what I had been trough with my love ones. Maybe just a little bit. I don’t want she worry about me. I just want her to study and complete her medical bachelor. When she asked to accompany me, I said no. She needs rest to focus on her study. How could I let her stay up just to be with me?

I knew how worry she is. She couldn't sleep if I’m not accompanying her. All she has is me. It’s so hard for her to close her eyes and not to concerning me. I didn't have any choice. I won’t let she sacrifice her sleep time just to take care of me. That is not my way. After all, I am happy.

I am happy I have her and kids. I am happy because I still can write and read. I am happy because I still can sing for my dear one before she sleeps. I am happy because I wanted to be happy. Yeah, I’m fully happy of course. At least I try to be happy. I don’t want my wife sad when she saw me crying. I want her to be happy and always smile.

Years ago I wanted she to leave me. I thought we will be happier. I want her to find someone else to replace me, to give her happiness, to bring light to her. I can’t do anything for her. I felt hopeless. To a man who can’t give happiness to their love ones is not a man. She refuses to leave me. For several days, I cried - I missed her badly. So do with her. That is my bad. I’m sorry honey.

I was wrong when I thought without me she would be happy. I was totally wrong. When she have me, she would be happy, neither me. That is life. What we thought the best sometimes is not the best for us. What we thought not always right. We do hope everything would be fine for us. We do hope our life won’t be this hard. We do hope but we didn't have any power to say “I want my life back, I want my life easy than this”.

We do have something else that sometimes we just blind to cherish that - the people around us. Without them we couldn't make it. If you meet someone who frustrated in their life, do give your support. If you read a blog about hard life, do give a doa. Help them so that He will help you.

To my lady, thank you for your love and hope. I won’t let you down. My day would be this colorful if there are no you in my life. *yes I copy-paste your words - sharing is loving right?*

Okay, I’m not good in romantic word because I’m not romantic at all. Well, I’m conservative man.

I love you - every day.

Honey, you just like coffee - always hot and sexy

I love to write even though my official field is engineering. Writing to me just like coffee; I enjoy it and I love it. More important it’s make me feel relax, in other words - therapy. I’m a conservative man who think and believe man should not show off their weakness, not to crying, must be brave, not to share their painful with partner and protect their loves one.

Years ago and until now I do believe man should protect their lady by their own ways. Girls just like coffee; have a lot of types - White Coffee, Kopi Janda, Tongkat Ali ect. Each type has different taste. To know how to handle a girl, you have to know what type she is - a traditionalist, moderate, socialist, ect. Then you know how to handle that lady. Handle doesn’t mean you control her life fully.

Do not make any generalize to them and don’t ever show that you are more intelligent, vast knowledge and macho. If you tackle my wife I believe she will reject you. Why? Because now days girls are more advance than man. Trust me. For example, my expertise in engine but I’m truly dim-witted in computing. Who teach me how to up grade my laptop? my wife.

I’m not bashful to tell you that because we are human. We are not expertise in everything in this world. Then we need someone like guardian angle to help us. Man full of ego so do with woman. I’m old-fashioned men who never ever have any idea how to tackle a girl. My wife had rejected me more than 6 times. Her self-esteem (read ego) more than me.

I don’t know why man always trying to control their lady. Let them free. As human being, we should have our own life to enjoy it. Let them have a little bit privacy. Let them hang out with their friends, watching movies, be friends with guys. Why should you control everything? It’s pointless. Trust me, woman know how to take care their self. They are not kids to be control 24/7. Come on.

My friends told me that my words harsh and that is why more than 2 times she cried because of my harsh words. Man is like that. I think so. People change. Love made me changes a lot. When you love someone you must know how to tolerant with her, how to melt her heart and how to make her heart beats fast when you both together. Some of my good friends asked me how long I fall in love with my wife. Eight years before I tackled her officially, she had made my heart melting. Until now, I still love her even more.

After all, I can share everything with her - through my words. I’m to shy to say “I love you”. Once she said “Abang tak pandai jawab”, refer to her “I love you” that I didn’t reply. I have four blogs. All my blog she read but she never asked or talked about what have I wrote. I love the way she behave. Just read in silent and didn’t give feedback.

Honey, you just like coffee - always hot and sexy.

I love you.