It’s time to do
chemotherapy again. The chemotherapy programme began with the anti-cancer drug
gemcitabine. There are a few other regimes available consisting of two, three,
or even four, chemotherapy agents. The side effects - lethargy, occasional low
blood counts - were tolerable and self- limiting.
At first when
doctor diagnosis that I have cancer, my wife got panic. She always asks over me
about my medical treatment, medicine, CT scan. Every single minute she keeps
remind me to eat pills sharp on time, eat a lot, don’t do this, don’t do that.
She even wants
to be my doctor - formal doctor. I say no. I can’t have someone relate to me to
be my doctor. She’s get angry when I didn't tell her the result of CT scan or
what I have discussed with my doctor. She’s mad.
Long after that,
her actions change. If I said I need to do chemotherapy or radiotherapy, she
won’t let me do that. Ironically isn't? From that time, I know I was made
mistake. I keep saying that I can go through this pain. I even don’t need her
support.
I was wrong. I
realize that every time she’s babbling because she loves me. There is no reason
- just love. I hate when she starts asking all about my pain. Unhealthy people
abhor when you ask them about their tenderness. If you think that question would
help them to feel easy, you are totally wrong.
Sayang, you
should know why I refuse to talk about my pain all this time. It is because I
don’t want you have personally affected. Let say if I’m your patient and you
failed to safe my life, would you blame on yourself? I believe yes because I am
somebody to you. Doctors are human too. We cannot escape the fact. They are,
often, fallible. They become slaves to their minds and sentiments. They feel.
They emote.
When you are
finally graduated and gain the title of “Dr” in front of your name, you are
expected to conduct yourself professionally. Honey, you can't treat me with
your medical understanding. You only can treat me with your love and tender. I
can’t wait to see you in white coat as a formal doctor - that is my wish, my
last wish.
You are Dr
[soon]!
Much, Much Love.