Hi sayang,
I just stepped out of a long shower, a little refreshed, but too lazy to cook a proper meal. It’s a rainy day. I sit on the balcony, looking at the clouds while sipping hot chocolate. Want to share a cup with me? You can drink from the same spot as mine. My lips feel scrumptious—you were always craving to taste them. Come, sit on my lap and watch the rain pour. I want to write a billet-doux, but I am not sure what to say. I am still in the process of moving on—not rushing, just following my own pace—but my heart is not made of steel. It still melts for you.
I crave you more than anything. You’ve always been fearless and full of spark, with eyes that search for the next thrill. Adventure isn’t just something you enjoy; it’s what makes you feel alive. How are you today? Have you eaten? How is your mood? Today is my off day after working non-stop for fifteen days, sixteen hours each. I washed my clothes and boots—they were full of mud from the heavy rain and floods. It is winter here. I wish I could talk to you about everything. You are my la douleur exquise, living in every corner of my existence.
Sebab, paling tidak, sekali dalam seumur hidup, kita akan bertemu seseorang yang membuat diri kita begitu bersyukur mengenalnya.
Seseorang yang mengajari kita banyak hal. Tentang tertawa merayakan bahagia hingga menangisi sebuah luka.
Namun, dia tidak akan pernah kita miliki, dia hanya sebentar menemani, kemudian pergi.
(patahan.ranting)
Psychology speaks of five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. From a young age, I have faced childhood trauma and then PTSD. You were right. Sometimes I overanalyze, and it leads to negative thinking. Negative thinking does not only affect mood. It physically changes our brain. Studies show that chronic worry floods the brain with cortisol, the main stress hormone. When cortisol stays high for too long, it damages neurons, shrinks the hippocampus, and weakens the prefrontal cortex which controls logic and focus.
Over time, this slow chemical attack impairs decision-making, heightens anxiety, and accelerates cognitive decline. What makes this even more dangerous is how negativity rewires the brain. Repeated pessimistic thoughts carve deeper pathways of fear and doubt, making these patterns automatic. The brain becomes trained to look for danger—even when it is not real. A Cornell University study found that about 85% of the things we worry about never actually happen. Only 15% of worries come true. I was always worrying about trepidation.
Recent findings in neuroscience suggest that memory might not actually be stored in the brain. Meanwhile, we now understand that the heart has a bigger influence on the mind than previously thought: it contains around forty thousand neurons and sends more signals to the brain than it receives. The heart shapes our emotions, decisions, and mental clarity more than scientists once realized. Researchers have also found that depression may involve the brain’s visual areas, not just its emotional centres. Sound interesting, isn’t it?
The worst part about loving is recuerdos. Memory itself is elusive—and cruel. It drags back the things we desperately try to bury. Mahmoud Darwish said, “You are killing me and you are keeping me from dying. That is love.” It is hard to let go of the past completely. Mirza Ghulam penned long ago, “The miracle of your absence is that I found myself endlessly searching for you.” Goethe wrote in one of his masterpieces, “I have so much in me, and the feeling for her absorbs it all; I have so much, and without her it all comes to nothing.”
When I remember you, my longing grows.
When you are far, my heart remains with you.
Whenever your image passes through my thoughts, I search for it,
as though my soul finds in it both companionship and remedy.
(Ibnu Zaydun)
I should forget you—not because you are not worth remembering, but because we have both moved on. We both have our own directions, and I need to stay away from another man’s wife. His tenacious effort won your heart, and I am glad he did well. There is a Persian proverb that says, “What is brought by the wind will be taken by the wind, but what you earn with effort even a storm cannot take away.” He is fortunate. He receives the side of you I never had. He can touch you, kiss you, breathe you in, make love to you whenever he wishes.
You are now with the right man, in the right hands. I believe you love him as much as he loves you. You wrote in our blog. Once it is inked, it is permanent—forever. You cannot erase it. Your words echo repeatedly in my mind. It is painful. Please don’t deny it—it’s the reality. Letting go means accepting that you love him completely, and it is hard for me to accept the truth. My whole life has always been about you—the girl who drove me crazy with her mood swings and her straightforward, bold honesty. That has always enamoured my heart.
Now that I have known
what it is to be with you,
I realize this much—
before our meeting, I never
understood what longing meant.
(Izumi Shikibu)
I felt hurt sometimes. Maybe, as you once said, I misread your tone and took everything personally. I do. I always do. I did not have a good childhood—very few people ever spoke kindly to me. I grew up hearing harsh words and insults. I struggled with myself since I was young. Kafka in Metamorphosis writes what I feel “I cannot make you understand. I can’t make anyone understand what is happening inside of me. I cannot even explain it to myself.” But you—kind, gentle, and noble—treated me with such warmth. I will never forget that.
Ten years have passed
between life and death,
both equally distant.
I try not to remember you,
yet forgetting is impossible.
(Su Shi)
Growing up in the orphanage system wasn’t soft or easy. It was always about hardship and survival. I had no one to guide me, no one I could call mom or dad to correct me. I learned everything on my own through experience and reading. I never realized how deeply my patterns of thinking had shaped the way I behaved. Over time, I came to understand a painful truth about myself. After many sessions with psychiatrists and psychologists, I finally saw how terribly I had treated you. You must have suffered when you were with me, and I am truly sorry for the pain I caused. I now understand how my way of thinking continually hurt you.
I am not writing this to win you back. I already have someone in my life. I want to love her as fiercely as I loved you, but something inside me still resists. A piece of me remains stuck with you. I have not given her the full version of myself. I feel guilty for that. I want to move on from you so I can love her the way she deserves, but your shadow still sits beside me. Writing to you brings me comfort, but I know I must stop. I need to find another way to release these thoughts. I don’t want to harm you or disturb your marriage. I only wish I never had to let you go.
Distance has replaced the closeness we once knew,
and estrangement has taken the place of our gentle meetings.
The dawn of separation has arrived and broken over us, leaving only parting, without any hope of drawing near again.
(Ibnu Zaydun)