It's 3:33 am. I was awake after a nightmare—a Hiace van exploded, and I failed to save her. When I woke up, I was disoriented, but then I realized I was on an airplane bound for Japan. After half an hour, I began to feel a bit calmer. This is not the first nightmare I've had; a few days ago, I dreamed of her in an accident. She was hurt badly.
I think about her constantly, non-stop. My thoughts are always with her. I've stayed away from my inbox, not opening or reading it. The more I read her emails, the more I miss her. Longing is painful, but this love is both beautiful. It makes me feel alive and makes me want to live for a hundred years. Who in love doesn’t want to live forever?
I don't blame her for the chaos in my life. I choose to reply to her emails and always wait for her messages, even if it's just a simple "Hi abang." Reading her emails makes my day. When she’s around, I feel completely perfect. I can finally sleep peacefully. I sleep like a baby. My mind is at peace, and nothing feels void. I feel like I’m finally at home.
I prefer being awake rather than sleeping, but she is the opposite. She says that in dreams, she can do whatever she wants. She loves kissing me, but I'm too shy to kiss her. Years ago, I wasn't that timid. Maybe I’m too old for that. She’s now wild and adventurous, while I am a timid old man. She is so marvelous at seducing me, making the room so heated.
Sometimes she distances herself from me, trying not to be too uncontrollable. She says she doesn’t trust herself, and I smile, thinking about how sexy she is when she’s high. She’s still like a kitten, making me happy. Sometimes she’s okay, sometimes she’s not. Her mood goes up and down like any other person. When she’s happy, she talks nonstop.
I never feel like I’m wasting my time with her. I could sit in silence for hours, and it would still feel fulfilling and necessary. A phone call without hearing her voice is enough. That’s how it is. Even just hearing her breathe brings me peace. Silence is also a language of love. You don’t always need to talk; love has its own language, and there is beauty in silence.
I’m still hopeful for a phone call, but I know I can't have it anymore. I don’t want to cause any trouble. This week is her last working in Sunsuria City. After this, I won’t be able to check on her, as I don’t know her work schedule, but that’s okay. Maybe I should stop doing that too. Maybe then I can move on, start living, and leave the past behind.
I miss our conversations but haven’t opened the chat app. Life has become unbalanced, and I’m trying to stabilize, but I haven’t managed it. My mind keeps traveling to her—wondering what she’s doing, what she’s eating, and how her days are passing. Longing for someone is painful, but loving them is beautiful. Love is a beautiful pain.
On board for Japan
24-08-2024