I am sorry that I did nothing for you. I am sorry for making your life stuck and suck when we were still together. I am sorry that I have been a terrible man for you. I am sorry for the things you wish I had done for you. I am sorry for the things I didn’t do for you. I am sorry for not fulfilling all our dreams and hopes. I am sorry for stepping into your life and turning it into a disaster. I do not deserve to be loved or to be in love. I am a failure as a man.
So yes, monster, I am just her second choice. You know everything she writes and says. There is nothing to argue. You were right all this time that I never deserved her. I just can’t stop loving her. I can’t stop thinking about her. It sucks, doesn’t it? Wanting someone that you can’t have, loving someone you can’t hold in your arms, looking from afar and wishing everything was on my side. She loves him more than she loves me.
It hurts, doesn’t it, to accept these facts? Yeah, it hurts. It hurts every single thing, every little thing, that someone you loved loves another person more than they love you. It hurts just to think that they are together. Everything happens for a reason. Sadly, I don’t know what the reason is. I always screw up things. I got a perfect wife, but I keep running back to my past—the one that dumped me for someone else.
Have you heard enough, monster?
Ara didn’t return my calls, didn’t reply to my texts. I’m not running back to my past. She has a good life. I won’t ruin her life again. I have stopped hoping. I have stopped wishing things would change. Nothing ever changes. I lost hope. I wish she is living a happy life. They are expecting a newborn next year. I cry when I think she’s pregnant. I said I waited too long for this moment to see her baby bump. She said I’m excited. Yes, I am.
Sadly, she’s not carrying our baby, but I am happy for her. At least she’s still in bed with her husband. Yeah, I advise her, even though I don’t like it, to think about that, but I love her. I don’t want her to sin by refusing to be intimate with her husband. It’s hard, but that is the right thing to do. My wife wants another newborn next year, but I refuse. I think four is enough. Raising kids nowadays requires a lot of expenses, and it is expensive.
Why I didn’t touch her for two months isn’t your problem. I have made it up to her. Things went well. I have given my best. She gave me her best. Please don’t disturb my peace, don’t harass my feelings, don’t bother me at all. Can you sit quietly and let me do my work? I have tons of work to do. I can’t meet Ara at the moment. I need to go to work. It doesn’t mean the relationship can be delayed; it means I prioritize what should be prioritized.
Don’t be a busybody about why Ara is going to the Syariah Court. It is none of your business. Your concern is all about my past, isn’t it? Leave my wife alone. She is a good wife nevertheless, no matter what you said. I love her. Don’t question my love for her. Yeah, we fight a lot. We are not like any other marriage where the marriage is calm and peaceful. Still, calm and peaceful aren’t the only indicators of a successful marriage, right?
Rather than you babbling in my head, you better keep quiet. I have given you my attention. Leave me alone, please. No, I don’t want to write what you said. It will look like I am a mentally ill person. People can’t know about this. It will jeopardize my reputation and some will question my decision-making. No more talking. Ara will get mad if she knows I entertain the nonsense you talk about. Get out of my head, you bastard!