You can't change the past because time moves forward. If I had a time machine, I would go back and fix my mistakes. As I get older, I feel increasingly regretful. Today, she sent me a screenshot that I had requested to see the background of the blog (did she intentionally capture that post for me to read?). I finally read it, despite deliberately avoiding it to protect my emotional well-being and preserve my mental health.
Do I truly need to go through all of this once more after 10 years? Why, my Lord, have You brought her back into my life? Could You instead keep us apart forever, erasing all memories and emotions we once shared? I don't want to go through it all over again. Not this time. Please, no. I only desire to love her silently from a distance. Let her find happiness with her own family, and erase her feelings and memories of me.
Dubai, UAE
4-1-2024
_
But I am happy when she's around despite all the wound and sorrow she once cause me. By doing nothing, as long as she with me, I feel complete even we were seperates miles away. It is weird isnt it? I still love the women who had stratered my heart into pieces. Can I be normal to hate her or doing all sort of kind? I cant. I just cant. To treat someone you loved badly is wrong even when she wronged you.
16-02-2024
_
I carelessly read it; I didn’t actually read it, I just scanned through it. Tonight, I intentionally read that posting. It stated that "...sayang saya untuk awak tak pernah kurang, cuma saya sayangkan dia lebih...". It hurts? Even more…but that's okay. That is her true feeling. Don’t be sorry for that. I constantly told her that the man was lucky because I knew it wasn’t me…that's okay.
(8) You are an extraordinary person, a rare find that is hard to come across. The man who holds your heart is undeniably the luckiest person on Earth.
I have known this all along, but my heart still wants you, even when I tell it not to love you harder. It will hurt, but this heart never listens to my advice, and now history is repeating itself.
I will act like nothing happened. She's in depression. I don’t want her to feel bad for feeling that way about me. I don’t want her to feel sorry for me or question her worth. She’s good; she’s just a bit lost. She will find her way back to the one who holds the key to her heart. Surely, Allah will guide her.
Ya Rabb…is this a sign not to ask for what wasn’t written for me? Okay…I will stop asking. Thank you for letting me realize (I do realize, or maybe I'm searching for an answer, and that answer is in front of my eyes, but I'm too blind, or maybe my heart hopes that it isn’t true, but my mind already knows). I will love her as I always do, nothing less.
My heart has endured repeated shattering. The pain is intense. In the Creator, I find the ultimate refuge. Heart, embrace the pain, even as it cuts deep.
"When you get what you want, that’s Allah's direction. When you don't get what you want, that’s Allah's protection." — Unknown
Bandar Seri Begawan, Brunei
14-03-2024, 9.01 am
_
I have a lot to say, but that is not important anymore. Ten years ago, around this month, she met someone and shut me off. After ten years, she came back, and I don't really understand clearly what she wants from me. Does she want to marry me? She said no, even if not directly.
She came and said, "I miss you," but when she doesn't want me, she makes me leave just like ten years ago. It seems that history is repeating itself. Maybe I'm dumb for thinking I could have a second chance without realizing… hmm I’m just an idiot. I don't have pride, do I? I don't have ego. That is my weakness.
Maybe I said something wrong and this happened, but I never had any intention to leave her, even when I said, "Kalau satu hari nanti abang tak boleh lagi berhubung, can you let me go?." I was depressed. What I tried to do was slow down, remain calm, and simply let life happen. I take a deep breath and focus on important things, but I can't control everything.
I want to take a nap for 30 minutes before going home. Dear heart, you can rest now. Stop wanting something you can't have. Stop carving her name in my heart. It hurts so much.
دل کو چھوڑ کر چلے گئے ہو تم،
کیا کروں اب میں اس خالی دل کا۔
Translation:
You have left my heart behind,
What shall I do with this empty heart now?
Taman Damai, Kajang
08/07/2024, 9:15 pm