You know, Hana, I haven't been happy lately because I think about your mom constantly, non-stop. She stays in my mind and has taken up a permanent residence in my heart. I have loved her deeply since she was 13 years old. Yes, it's been a long time, hasn't it? There have been many challenges in my life, and sadly, our fates didn't bring us together. She chose your father over me, and that was the day my world became so dull. I ran away to many places, seeking solace and trying to escape the pain.
Years later, she got married to your father, who is a good man. He brings watermelon juice for your mom, takes her out on dates, and treats her well. I, on the other hand, am a useless man. I didn't do all those things, so she chose your father. Soon after, you were born. I ended up marrying a girl I fell for, who is different from your mom in every way. Nothing is the same. I still miss your mom every day, every single second, but I haven't reached out to her. It has been years without any news, and I miss her tremendously. I can't keep her out of my mind. She is still my first thought in the morning and the last before going to sleep. Do I have any regrets? Yes, a lot.
It's a long story, so please be patient, okay? Last year, your mom reached out to me. She asked how I was doing and about my life now. We used to fight a lot, argue a lot. Yeah, we did. That was the best part of our relationship. We would fight, say sorry, fight again, and cry over and over again. I was mad at her. You know, her words sometimes make me tense. I am a person with a bad temper, so the hurricane comes between us again, and then I surrender, and we start talking again. I never expected she would come back. Never.
What's the best part of all this? You and your sister. I love reading how she describes her kids, and to be honest, I feel a mix of hatred and jealousy every time she mentions your father. I don't like him. I never liked that watermelon juice boy (no, no, I'm kidding). I don't hate him. He is not my enemy. I just feel jealous of him because he gets to see your mom every day. He gets all the things that I didn't, like traveling with your mom (but here's the thing, your mom and I don't have the same taste. We can talk about it later, okay?). Other than that, I thank him for keeping your mom happy.
What am I trying to tell you? I don't know. My heart feels empty without your mom, but being with her makes me feel guilty. I am a Muslim man. A Muslim man cannot love other married women. It is forbidden. It is haram. Besides the fear of getting caught by your father or my wife, I fear that Allah will cast your mom into Jahannam (hell). We are bound by our faith, and it is believed that a woman's paradise lies at her husband's feet. How sad I am to think that the woman I love may burn in hellfire? I feel so sad and depressed. A man can have other women besides his wife, as Islam grants polygamy. It is just considered immoral or unethical in our society, but it is different for a woman.
Do I want your mom to be mine? Yes, every second of my heartbeat, but I can't ruin the happiness of a small family just for my own self. I was born alone. I didn't have a father to take me to the sea and have fun. I didn't have parents to take me traveling. I didn't have my own "home" like you do. I slept in a shared room with 6-8 people. I didn't have enough food to eat, which is why I used to go without eating for the whole day. I don't want other kids to go through the same experience I had. Being separated from your father will make you sad, and you may come to hate me for taking your mommy away from your papa. You may see me as a bad person. I won't care much if you see me that way, but I don't want you to see your mother as an unfaithful wife. It will break her heart because you guys don't know the reason why she's doing that.
I don't want her minions (that's what she calls you both, although I always read it as "onion" and I don't know why, haha) to hate her. I want her so badly, but the chaos that I will cause will not end in a minute. So, I keep all my hopes and dreams in my heart, trusting in the hands of the Almighty. I don't want to break my wife's heart either because she is a good wife to me and a good mom to my kids (even though she likes to make our house feel like a war zone). I still love her and want to be with her. I can't imagine a life without her. A good man who keeps his woman happy, like your father, doesn't deserve to be hurt or heartbroken. I don't want your father to go through what I have been going through for the past 10 years. It is painful. Again, I keep my words inside my heart. I want to kneel down and ask her to live with me until death parts us, but I can't do that...
I don't want her name and reputation to be tarnished and destroyed because of our love. I don't want her parents, in-laws, friends, and society to hate her or look down upon her. I don't want any of that. I am always proud to say that she is mine. I am proud of her. I am proud to say that she is the most beautiful girl who has captured my heart. She is more beautiful than an angel. I still remember how I got lost in her bright eyes. It melted my heart, and her smile feels as sweet as honey. I love everything about her so much.
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O Allah, please make her faithful to her husband. Have mercy on her and forgive her feelings towards me, as she cannot bear the sorrow of longing for me. My heart desires her, but I fear You. Have mercy on her, Ya Rabb. Please ease her heart and prevent her from entering the hellfire. She is a good woman, a good wife, and a good mother. She deserves the highest heaven. If it is good for her, may we be separated. Until then, I will wait for her in Your heaven. I pray for us to be together in Heaven, where the impossible can become possible...
Ten years ago, I was tested by letting her go with someone else, and I passed the test. I never expected to be faced with such a difficult trial. Oh Allah, my love for her is indescribable. You know the depth of my love for her. Ya Rabb, please forgive her as she is a weak servant, just like me. Guide her to the right path. If she can't forget me, please remove all her feelings towards me, as I can't bear to see her in the hellfire. I can love her from afar even if she has forgotten me. Let me be the one to suffer from longing and sorrow, not her. Please, Oh Allah. Take her away from me, far away, if it means she remains faithful to her husband. This, Oh Allah, is the highest degree of love I have for her.
Jumeirah Grand Mosque, UAE
11-01-2024, 1.30 pm