Today I begin to understand what love must be, if it exists. When we are parted, we each feel the lack of the other half of ourselves. We are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost. That is what I imagine love to be: incompleteness in absence. ― Edmond de Goncourt
There is something about you that I can’t put into words. There is a part of you that I refuse to let go. I knew I had to let you go, but I can’t get over you. Letting you go seems hard for me. I have tried to force myself to forget you, but it doesn’t work. I tried to say hello to another woman, but it doesn’t work that way either. I really want to forget you, but I do not know what to do. I don’t even know where to start. I’m still in love with you as if nothing happened between us.
As F. Scott Fitzgerald said, “There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice.” I am afraid that I won’t find the kind of love that we once had. It's like a curse when people say, “You never fall in love the same way twice”. Just thinking about that makes me sad. For real, I don’t want anybody else. I want you. All of you: your flaws, smiles, mistakes, jokes, giggles. I can’t explain what I see in you as a person. It’s just the way you take me to a place where no one else can.
I met a beautiful, elegant lady a few weeks ago at Kinokuniya. I didn’t say hi to her; I just stared at her while she browsed books. I think she’s in her 20s and works around KLCC. Last week, I dressed well and went to Kino again, and yes, she was there. I am a bit frustrated. There were no flushed cheeks, racing heart, or clammy palms. There were no butterflies in my stomach, and I knew it wasn’t love. According to science, your mind only takes 90 seconds to 4 minutes to know if it’s in love.
I get mad at myself, and I realize I'm still stuck on you. I have failed to move on. If there were other planets besides Earth, I would love to stay there. Perhaps I could live peacefully without thinking about you. I love you so much. I hate thinking about you with somebody else. It’s hard to breathe when your heart yearns so much for someone you know you will never see again. Whether I like it or not, I need to live without you. That’s the fact I need to face.
When and where will you tie the knot? You must be very busy getting everything in order. Don’t invite me. I don’t want to go. I can’t hold back my tears when I see another man shake Tok Kadi’s hand. I can’t control my emotions in public. Seeing someone we love so deeply marry someone else is painful. It’s like a knife twisting in my soul. The hardest thing in life is to see you in his arms and remember how that used to be me. It’s not easy to watch the one you love, love someone else.
Where am I now? I’m at a nuclear base in Arak, Islamic Republic of Iran. Don’t ask, and you know I won’t tell you anything about my work. You never asked a lot of questions regarding my job. That’s why I like you. I’ll be here for four days before taking a flight to Greece. I still remember how you never liked it when I went outstation. You were very sad when I left for work. You never missed sending me emails. Ah! Those lovely memories…
I am making promises to myself that if we meet again at another time, I will write you love letters every single day. I miss writing you letters. I didn’t write much for you. Is there another time for us to reunite? I don’t know. Sayang, have I really lost you for real? Sometimes I hope everything that happened is just a dream, a nightmare, but it’s happening now. It’s real. When it’s real, it doesn’t fade away. This love is difficult, but it’s real.
Arak, Markazi, Iran
13.02.2017/8.25pm